Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
MindfulBitch · 14/02/2021 15:42

Could he not rent his house out for six months before selling?

Apologies if it's already been suggested I've just skimmed through

viques · 14/02/2021 15:42

Wow, if ever they do have children together I can imagine exactly what sort of honorary step granny you would end up being! Not to mention how overbearing you would be with any genetic children. I am not surprised his girl friend wants him to move away from your clutches.

He is 29, he has indulged your hanging on to your “my baby boy” wishes for a long time, even to the extent of buying a four bedroomed house near you for you to boast about. It is time for him to spread his wings, cut those apron strings and live a life as an adult. If he makes mistakes or loses out financially then that will happen, it’s called life.

Your odd fixations about his friendship groups and lack of confidence in his ability to make new friends and build new relationships in a new area says a lot more about your insecurities than it says about his social skills. Stop living your life through him, find yourself a new hobby, buy a dog, try gardening, take up watercolour painting.........

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 15:42

@myson123

According to him, they keep splitting up because she wants him to move in and up until this point he hasn't felt ready. Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will.. hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.
More fool him then.

At 29 it's a little bit late to be teaching him about control & manipulation really. But no harm in trying to get him to keep his house here & finances separately & just rent a place:live at her place while they see how it goes living together. That'll st messy minimise the damage, but he's a fool to move in with her because she's given him an ultimatum.

cookies92 · 14/02/2021 15:44

Can I also point out to the people defending this. Your children are NOT your personal property. They are not yours to keep, certainly not at 29 anyway. Your job is to raise them into healthy decision making adults and guide them as best you can. Offer advice and guidance but when they are adults themselves it is none of your business what they do. Obviously I can understand being concerned for your child but if you've raised them right you should be able to trust that they will be able to figure things out even if/when they go wrong.

MiddlesexGirl · 14/02/2021 15:44

@titchy

I wonder what the responses would be if the son's dp had posted: 'AIBU to want my partner of two years to move in with me. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who are happy and settled in a nice school in a nice area. Dp's commute to work would be the same as now, but he seems reluctant even after two years to move our relationship on. As background he lives near his parents and school friends and often goes out and plays computer games with the lads he was at school with and his parents seem quite hostile to the idea of him moving. I love him though and can see my future with him.'

MN would be unanimous in saying give this man child an ultimatum!

Just add on ...

Oh ... and I want a half share of the house that I'm barely contributing to ....

The answers will be a little different .... even more so if the dp was a man.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 14/02/2021 15:44

She should not be on the deeds 50/50. That way madness lies as he clearly got the money for the property before she arrived on the scene and she has (and will continue to) contributed bugger all to it. If they have children in the future, that could be revisited but at the moment the idea that he is being pushed into doing that would raise massive alarm bells for me.

Moving closer to her kids, I can understand because as PP say that are settled. Could he rent with her maybe closer to where she is and rent his own out? If it goes wrong he's then protected as she has can't claim any rights and if it goes right, then in due course he could make further financial commitment.

nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:44

Some people seem to be missing these facts:

The son is 29
He has been with his partner for 2 1/2 years
He love her
He is 29

That she wants him to move in with her is PERFECTLY NORMAL when it comes to two adults in a long term relationship.

What is not normal is for a mother of a 29 year old to try to prevent this.

saraclara · 14/02/2021 15:45

That's not a relationship. It's coming across as coercion.

Nope. If a woman posted here and said that she'd been in a relationship with someone for 2.5 years and he was refusing to commit, she'd be advised to tell him that he make a decision or she should move on.

nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:46

Out of interest, do the people on this thread contribute 50% or more to their own property?

Yes/ No

Are you on the deeds of your property 50/50

Yes/ No

Ellmau · 14/02/2021 15:46

He's 29 and you think SHE's controlling?

That aside, it would be sensible to live together first, renting out his own house to cover costs.

They they can look at buying somewhere. If he's putting in 5/6 of the deposit and a similar percentage of mortgage payments then it would be reasonable for the equity to be 5/6 his too, but he needs to take legal advice about that. Different if they marry or have children together.

TidyOmlette · 14/02/2021 15:46

OP put yourself in her shoes.

You found someone you love and loves you supposedly. Wouldn’t you say to your partner to either be with you or not? It would be easier for him to move instead of uprooting the kids from their school and friends. If she was your daughter would you still have the same opinion?

nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:46

I'll go first.

I contributed about 30% to my property. I am on the deeds 50/50

Sittingonabench · 14/02/2021 15:47

You sound like a concerned mother which is right. It sounds like normal progression of a relationship which is a risk, but it’s his risk to take and from his partners side I can see that she needs commitment and to settle as a family (she needs to think what is best for her kids). You’re right his lifestyle and priorities will need to change completely but they would likely do that at some point in future anyway. But take time to get used to it, be nice and supportive and never bad mouth her. If it all goes wrong, support your son with love and practical help/guidance.

morninglive · 14/02/2021 15:48

advise him to rent out his place and live with her. If he moves in with her or they buy ask him to ring fence his contribution. I understand your concern and it does sound as though there may be cause for concern, but ultimately you have to let him make his own mistakes.

dopenguinsdance · 14/02/2021 15:48

OP I'm sorry but you sound like my (now) MIL. She did everything she could to split us up but on the grounds that I was too old, too career-minded and so would never have children...oh, and I was after his money. There was an age difference of 5 whole years, I had my own property (my third at 31 because I'd been canny - and hard-working- enough to buy doer uppers & renovated them whilst working FT & living on beans on toast) and I've produced the only GCs she's ever going to have. I'm still not good enough and frankly, through lockdown, our lives have been so much better without her drama. Please, please OP don't become my MIL! You have to rely on the fact that you've done a good job & raised a fully-functioning, competent, independent adult and leave him alone. He will make his own choice regardless and you're much more likely to push him away if you continue as you are. Believe me, I'd have liked to have at least a civil relationship with my MIL but it's never going to happen; just stay mum. If and when your DS talks about selling up to make the move permanent then you can have the property/pension/wills/heirs talk. Until then why don't you try to get to know her?

OliverBabish · 14/02/2021 15:48

Beyond a gentle word of advice about him putting a charge on any money he puts down as a deposit for the property, I’d stay well out of it.

He’s grown.

ScottishLassie91 · 14/02/2021 15:49

You sound like the MIL from hell, no one good enough for your son and you say you want what's best, but only if it suits you. Newsflash, he's 29, time to cut the apron strings.
What he chooses to do with his finances is none of your business as well and its up to him to make the decision

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 15:49

I'm surprised at responses - why does he need to commit to her by moving? I get thw children thing but why is it her way or no way?

I do agree with PP that this is blatantly about you wanting to keep the set up you have of you all nearby though.

DottyFlossie · 14/02/2021 15:49

This man is 29 years old. He is old enough to make his own decisions in his life.

brunetteonthebus · 14/02/2021 15:50

As someone who is only a few years older than your son, who owns her own home is married and has two small children I would tell you that you need to mind your own business. At 29 I had just bought my house and was thinking about starting my family. He's a grown man! He probably wants to start living his own independent life.

You sound completely enmeshed in his life, it's not normal. I would find it so weird for my parents to be close to all of my friends. You should take a step back. What is it they say our job is at parents - give them roots and wings. A secure base, that they can eventually fly from. Do you want your son to continue living with you like some sort of overgrown manchild forever?

So what if his girlfriend has children? He might want some of his own with her one day!

You sound utterly suffocating, sorry. I'm sure it comes from a good place but your job now is to support him, love him and to help pick up the pieces IF it goes wrong. Not stop him living because you don't agree with his life choices.

Iwonder08 · 14/02/2021 15:50

I would love to see how the responses would be different if OP said her daughter in her late 20s with her own property and successful career has been issued an ultimatum by an experienced man with 2 children and a part time job to move to his area, provide for the children and put them on the deeds 50/50 when they only intend to provide 10%.
Yes, ideally you would want this young man to do his own research and seek a financial advice, but he might be just smitten, in love or simply in a controlling relationship so many keep mentioning on MN. It is not up to OP to sort out his problems, but there is nothing wrong in her offering advice

FredaFlintstone · 14/02/2021 15:51

Haven't RTFT because I can imagine the replies Grin

Anyway, if this was one of my sons I'd be concerned too.

Considering their volatile history of breaking up and getting back together, I'd try tactfully suggesting he rents his house out and rents somewhere with her for 6-12 months first. Then if it all goes tits up he isn't tied in. If it all goes well he can sell his house next year.

Not many people go straight to getting a mortgage together, usually they rent first. If she seems to keen to buy a house instead, '50/50' but mainly with his money I'd also be tactfully pointing out how unusual this is.

ballsdeep · 14/02/2021 15:51

Maybe she's not being manipulative and just wants her partner of two years to commit? Maybe she's fed up of him living a single, spontaneous lifestyle and wants him to deliver on the promises he's been making her?!
Op you sound bitter and controlling. He clearly loves her and the way you put !!! At the end of saying he wants her to be the mother oh his children comes across as you think he's too good for her.

Henio · 14/02/2021 15:52

How long have they been together?

MyFavouriteIsWhoeverlsQuietest · 14/02/2021 15:52

Rents his house out
Lives with her and the kids (how old are they?)
Sees whether it works
Buys as tenants in common, if it does
Moves out, if it doesn't (stays with you during notice to tenants period)
Gets married and have kids of their own if buying together and living together works out