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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 15:29

The irony that op would rather his gf uproot two small dc and leave their family and friends behind so her 29 year old adult son, won't leave his friends and family behind 😂😂

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 15:30

If I wash single with mine I'd want to see commitment too, sounds like he's stringing her along.
And there is no way I'd move my dc life to please an adult 29 year old who wants to Stay near mum

nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:31

As a point of interest, if they were to get married and have children themselves, on divorce the property could actually be divided in her favour because of the children, regardless of them being both on the deeds.

In many/ most relationships there is a higher/ lower wage earner. When you decide to have a serious relationship/ move in together and buy a house together, you are accepting a pooling of resources to an extent.

This recent pandemic has changed the dynamics of many relationships such that the higher wage earner in some cases has become the only breadwinner.

If you're not prepared to accept that there will be shifts and you need to support each other, then the relationship is probably not very strong.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 15:32

@Iwonder08

I would do 2 things : 1) arrange a meeting with a property legal adviser for your son. He needs to have 100%clarity of what he is getting into from the financial standpoint. He might not listen to you, but if an impartial person tells him the girlfriend's demand for 50/50 share is unreasonable he might take it into account. An honest person would never suggest it. 2) gently explain to him the practicalities of raising someone else's children. It is likely he will be told off by her if he tries to parent them in a different way from hers. It is also likely he will be told by the kids how he has no right to discipline them as he is not their dad. Despite him being there for them, spending money on them, investing his time

It is a rather large burden to take on such a young age

Oh my god no! A 29 year old can arrange his own financial meeting!
Oswin · 14/02/2021 15:32

@funinthesun19

those of you who don't want your precious children to meet someone who already has children are ridiculous. You don't know why the person is single, she could have been widowed, abused, cheated on etc, or it could simply be a case of growing apart from her children's father and maturely deciding to split. Children from a previous relationship don't mean a ton of nasty baggage.

I’ve been in the position of stepparent in the past, and I’m now a single parent. I come at it from all angles. And I still wouldn’t wish for my children to be a stepparents. Not to young children anyway. Ultimately it’s nothing to do with me and not my choice, but I really hope they never pick anyone with children. Especially my daughter.

I’m not looking for anything serious while my children are little, because it’s just too much to juggle (kids and relationship). I accept that my children will be seen as baggage to other people. People will see people’s children as being exactly that. Maybe not the nice of terms, but they add a layer of complication to any relationship and the stepparent’s life. That’s just a reality of being with someone with children, and not always what people want.

The thing is he would be a stepfather. So the expectations on him will be so much lower than a stepmother. He will be considered a good man just for moving in. Lots of Nrp expect a woman to move in and take over childcare. It just doesnt happen the other way round. That's why the reactions are different.
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 15:32

29 is not young.

nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:32

But that's entirely up to them as it is with any couple

livefornaps · 14/02/2021 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ibizafun · 14/02/2021 15:34

Honestly op you’re making a rod for your own back. He’s told you he wants children with her. Your grandchildren. Do you really think you’re going to have any kind of relationship with them if you don’t make a supreme effort with her and welcome her?

nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:35

'She sounds like a manipulative dickhead and your son sounds too keen and a bit naive

Oh my god. That is absolutely disgusting. You sound like a dickhead.'

Agree with the judgements of the GF. Quite misogynistic actually. 'Too keen' because she wants her partner of 2 years to move in with her. Jeez. Some people just have weird ideas. Which seem to be about protecting poor little men children from evil women.

Tinacollada · 14/02/2021 15:35

Keep your fecking nose out.

He's 29, not 9.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 15:36

@Bagamoyo1

OP the mistake you made here was posting truthfully about your son. If you’d said it was a daughter, and she had a boyfriend with 2 kids who was pressurising her to move in with him, and worked part time -then everyone would have said YANBU. The single father boyfriend would have been called a lazy abusive cocklodger. You’d have been told to do everything in your power to stop your daughter from tying herself to this lazy man who clearly wanted her for child care and wanted her money etc etc.

Sadly this is MN where all man are lazy and reckless and all women (esp single mothers) are worthy and wholesome.

In my view YANBU. I think your son is making a huge mistake. I would try your nest to persuade him to keep his house, and rent with the girlfriend to see if it works out.

Not true at all.

He is a 29 year old man who doesn't need his mother interfering.
Maybe he's moving away to get away for his mother
We don't know the people and we don't know the girlfriend

LaceyBetty · 14/02/2021 15:36

@Viviennemary

She knows a good thing when she sees it. On another thread a man is villified for doing more or less the same thing. Double standards much. Why should OPs son bankroll this person into a better life.
Ridiculous. Did you miss the part where OP said he was in live with her? He's an almost 30 year old man in love with a woman so should want her to have a better life.
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 15:36

It sounds like his idea to sell his house and not rent... Not even her...

Createsuser · 14/02/2021 15:36

Well firstly he can rent his property. Secondly, his life, his choices. Regardless of how you feel, if you want to keep him support him and let him make his own mistakes. It might not be a mistake! Keep the door open by not judging- he’s already chosen her. You will just push him away.

Mydogneedsahaircut · 14/02/2021 15:36

I can tell you, as a mother of a son older than yours, that you never stop worrying about your children. However, he is an adult, many men are fathers by your sons age and manage perfectly well in areas away from their parents and friends from earlier times. Your son and his girlfriend have made a decision to be together. The spontaneous life you seem worried about him losing is one many people lose because they gain something more important. His girlfriend rightly doesn't want to disrupt her children by moving them and that she is happy to have your son in their lives suggests he is a mature man who knows the implications of the move. I would try not to view it as her isolating your son from you: he is not being forced to move and you can have plenty of time together with them both and children you may grow to love when we are free to move about again. You can help him by welcoming the woman he loves into your family and in that way she will want to spend time with you and if you chose not to do that, it can alienate your son and mean you become the person who isolates him from you and your family. It is clearly not an outcome anyone would want. He is still the same person you have brought up and you can remain close but their main relationship with their partner will be the most important and you will have done a good job!

Theunamedcat · 14/02/2021 15:37

Advise he protects himself financially but support him the reality is they have split up several times for whatever reason and unless he is prepared to lose all his hard earned money he needs to be sensible

If they get married its different but moving in together you need to protect yourself

nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:37

If they intend to have children then it's absolutely right she should be on the property 50/50.

Isn't that what still happens in many if not most relationships?

It must be because women still earn less than men on average and are much more likely to take time off for mat leave/ when the children are young or be part time.

Out of interest OP did you contribute 50/50 to your own house?

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2021 15:37

The thing is he would be a stepfather. So the expectations on him will be so much lower than a stepmother. He will be considered a good man just for moving in.
Lots of Nrp expect a woman to move in and take over childcare. It just doesnt happen the other way round. That's why the reactions are different.

Oh I totally agree with everything you have said.

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2021 15:38

The thing is he would be a stepfather. So the expectations on him will be so much lower than a stepmother. He will be considered a good man just for moving in.
Lots of Nrp expect a woman to move in and take over childcare. It just doesnt happen the other way round. That's why the reactions are different.

Oh I totally agree with everything you have said.

MiddlesexGirl · 14/02/2021 15:39

@Shakirasma

:13lydia2021

That's not a relationship. It's coming across as coercion I disagree, I think it's just how this reluctant MIL has chosen to portray it.

I think it's a woman with kids getting to the point where she wants her BF to either commit, or stop wasting her time.

Or it's a woman with kids who wants a half share of a house she'd never be able to afford any of on her own.
nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:40

Also just plain weird to be worried about your 29 y o son losing a spontaneous life. He WANTS to settle down with the woman he loves. As so many, many people at that age or younger. Isn't that what YOU did OP? Again, this is about your feelings. Is it your control of your son you're afraid of losing or is it that you have double standards about men and women such that men should be 'spontaneous' and keep their money for themselves. Until what age OP? Is he allowed to settle down at 40? 50? Or does he still have to ask your permission?

BilboBercow · 14/02/2021 15:41

She sounds like a good mum who's doing the right thing by her kids by not moving them 2 hours away from their school and family for a man.
She clearly isn't destitute if she has 10k+ to put into a home they buy together.
She's also doing what any self respecting woman would be doing after 2.5 years and saying it's time to commit or call it quits.

Sounds very much like you think a single mother isn't good enough for your "boy".

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 15:42

We don't know the girlfriend!
All these awful things said about her. How is looking out for kids now labelling her a gold digger?
No one has a gun to the poor darling 29 year old that he has to be with her.
Lots of women without children to date out there.
Maybe they are 2 adults that are having a relationship and want to get on with it?
Is that so crazy?

nostaples · 14/02/2021 15:42

'Or it's a woman with kids who wants a half share of a house she'd never be able to afford any of on her own.'

Jeez.

She's been with him two years.

Isn't pooling resources in a long term relationship what most of us do? I couldn't have bought my house on my own either. Could you?