Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

The irony of accusing his GF of being controlling.

2 hours away isn't exactly far so he'll hardly be isolated from you. At 29 he really is old enough to make his own choices, your role is to support and be there for him no matter how it turns out in the end.

I contributed 100% to our house and my husband and I are joint tenants (50/50).

Is he called Sheridan?

@Iwonder08

I would love to see how the responses would be different if OP said her daughter in her late 20s with her own property and successful career has been issued an ultimatum by an experienced man with 2 children and a part time job to move to his area, provide for the children and put them on the deeds 50/50 when they only intend to provide 10%. Yes, ideally you would want this young man to do his own research and seek a financial advice, but he might be just smitten, in love or simply in a controlling relationship so many keep mentioning on MN. It is not up to OP to sort out his problems, but there is nothing wrong in her offering advice

Mine would be the same. It makes sense to move to where the children are (which seems to be the crux of the issue for OP), and she is old enough to make her own decisions.

Jeez. As the mother of 3 grown men (not children btw) I will be eternally grateful to my own wonderful late MIL who taught me to be a MIL

I listen.

I don’t offer unsolicited advice.
I try to think about how I would feel if my DIL is upset at my son and I were in her position.
I give them space.
I expect them to put their wives and children (AND step kids for some of them) before me.

Just because I gave birth to them doesn’t mean I get to tell them how to live their lives. I am here for mopping up tears when things go wrong, and invariably sometimes things do go wrong, and for celebrating when things go right.

Not on the deeds cos I have a MIL like the poster who wanted to control everything and it ended up back firing on her because now I have nothing to do with her and my husband and children barley do either 🙃

PS I didn't have any DC before I married DH, but in your DS DP position, I would be asking him to move too as it's less disruptive for the DC
(especially if it doesn't work out). I think that's the grown-up & logical decision to make in the circumstances, and I can't fault anyone putting her DC first.

Untie the apron strings. He’s a grown man. He loves another woman. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but he needs a life free from you. You’re way too involved.

@RootyT00t do you honestly not think it's fairly typical to move in together when you've been with someone for 2 2/1 years?

Out of interest, have you lived with a partner and if so, would you have been OK if somebody has asked your partner that question, 'Why does he/ she need to commit to @RootyT00t by moving?'

I bought a house with my partner after we'd been together for less than a year, admittedly we'd rented for 6 months first. He was always the higher wage earner. But I'd have been surprised and angry if anybody had queried our decision.

Is this thread showing that some mums have completely unreasonable expectations for their son's partners, which are also double standards.

If the son's GF was your daughter would you be fine with the fact that her partner of 2 1/2 years was not committing and not offering to pay more of the home they would share, proportionate to her salary. Or would you be telling her that she should be happy with the arrangement as it is? Or with a smaller share of the property she was sharing with her partner, whom she loves?

It is entirely reasonable for her to want someone to commit to her instead of living a 'spontaneous life'. Maybe your son should stop stringing her along by getting back with her only to not commit?

And it is entirely reasonable for her to put her children first. It is up to him to decide whether he is in a serious relationship with this woman, not you. If he is unhappy with the 50/50 house arrangement, then he needs to talk to her about it. If it is just you who is worried about this, you need to butt out.

You need to let go, he's almost 30 for goodness' sake. You'll only push him away if you keep on like this.

He's a grown adult who chose to have a relationship with a single parent who lives several hours away. What did he think would happen if the relationship got serious?

You talk about how he'll be isolated from his family over there but you don't mention why he's vulnerable or in what ways he's abusive? I'm unclear why he'll be isolated there?

I'd swallow the "she's not good enough" vibe and try to accept her into the family. She may well be the mother of your grandchildren in time

Time to cut the apron strings and butt out of his life. He's a man not a child.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Unpopular opinion but I wouldn't want any of my kids to be a step parent when they're adults. I don't blame you OP.

Spot on! I think he needs to take it very slow and see how it goes, suddenly going from no kids to two, with the added complication of being a step parent ('you can't tell me what to do, you're not my real dad! etc) is no joke!!

It may end up being a mistake, but at 29 your DS really needs to make his own mistakes.

If he doesn’t need to change jobs with the move how many miles away are we actually talking about? Surely not very many. Why can’t your son still keep in touch with his friends?? I can understand your concerns about the money situation, but comments about the friends are a bit weird.

It does seem sensible to rent first and not be in a hurry to sell his house. But ultimately he’ll have to make that decision for himself. You would have far more reason to worry if he had to give up his well paid job in order to move miles away - but he doesn’t.

' contributed 100% to our house and my husband and I are joint tenants (50/50).'

That's interesting @LaceyBetty

And presumably nobody challenged you or your husband about this?

I don't think either is being controlling
At 29 taking on two stepkids is a huge commitment
Two and a half years together really isn't that long
I can she the gf wanting more permanency and stability than a long distance 2 hour commute relationship
The finances mismatch also make it tricky, esp if she loses out on any benefits if bf moves in. On the other side, if he has rent coming in and a decent salary splitting bills/making up any deficit should be easy
They ought to move in first and see - the kids might hate the set-up and him by default, the honeymoon period might be over quickly, it makes sense to see if it all works before jumping in with shared property when kids are involved.

Incidentally do you think she should uproot her children from their school and herself from her network and live by you because her being away from her network is less important?

He is 29.

@nostaples

'Or it's a woman with kids who wants a half share of a house she'd never be able to afford any of on her own.'

Jeez.

She's been with him two years.

Isn't pooling resources in a long term relationship what most of us do? I couldn't have bought my house on my own either. Could you?

Isn't pooling resources in a long term relationship what most of us do? I couldn't have bought my house on my own either. Could you?

It wasn’t what we did until we were married - and I was the one who owned the house. My dad impressed on me how easy it would be for a woman with a career, savings and a home of my own to be taken for a ride and lose half of it. When we did pool resources we put equal shares in.

You've had some very harsh responses here. I'd be concerned as well, although you run the risk of alienating him if you intervene. As others have said, I would suggest to him that he rents his place out before committing to buying in a new area.

Tell him it would be wise to seek legal advice and protect what he's invested.

• She's putting in less deposit
• She earns less
• She will probably be putting in less monthly payments
• They need a 4 bedroom to accommodate her children

I don't see a single benefit in this for your son....but lots of benefits for her.

I really don't see why he wants to take this on.

I also don't think she really loves him and wants a man to house her and her kids. I'd like to see the queue of men waiting to plunge money into a 4 bedroom house for a woman with 2 children, who can only contribute one fifth.

I wonder what she'd say if he said he'll rent a 4 bed with her to see how living together goes, before taking the plunge to buy.

That's a lot for a 29 year old to take on. It does have disaster written all over it.

Most of us can't get a man in his thirties to commit to us enough to put our relationship status as boyfriend and girlfriend on FB, never mind support us and our 2 children from a previous relationship and buy the majority of a family sized house to live in!

She must be stunning, and have a fantastic personality, and make him feel very secure.

Or maybe he doesn't like more independent women with full time careers who can pay 50% of the mortgage? There are a lot of men out there who prefer the woman to be earning significantly less than them.

'Two and a half years together really isn't that long'

It's not that long in the lifetime of a relationship years but surely it's a long time before moving in together?

OK, I'm 48. Have things really changed that much? Is this a common view?