Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

those of you who don't want your precious children to meet someone who already has children are ridiculous. You don't know why the person is single, she could have been widowed, abused, cheated on etc, or it could simply be a case of growing apart from her children's father and maturely deciding to split. Children from a previous relationship don't mean a ton of nasty baggage.

I’ve been in the position of stepparent in the past, and I’m now a single parent. I come at it from all angles. And I still wouldn’t wish for my children to be a stepparents. Not to young children anyway. Ultimately it’s nothing to do with me and not my choice, but I really hope they never pick anyone with children. Especially my daughter.

I’m not looking for anything serious while my children are little, because it’s just too much to juggle (kids and relationship). I accept that my children will be seen as baggage to other people. People will see people’s children as being exactly that. Maybe not the nice of terms, but they add a layer of complication to any relationship and the stepparent’s life. That’s just a reality of being with someone with children, and not always what people want.

In the nicest possible way, you need to stay out of it!

From what little you've said, your son's girlfriend doesn't sound controlling, she sounds like an adult with young children. Very few people would consider pulling two kids out of a school they're probably settled in, and moving away from an established support network, to be amongst strangers who sound far too involved in their adult son's life.

Leave your son to live his life, make his own decisions and mistakes.

And you think the GF is controlling! I can't really believe that in this day and age a mother of a 29 year old is making this her business. A whole generation of men are going to grow up completely unable to hold down adult relations if this is now common behaviour. Feel v sorry for the GF and the son. Back off and let him get on with his life.

Keep his house / rent it out. Move in with her and see how it goes. If they are still together in 1/2 years they can look at selling his house and buying one together. Seems like the most logical plan

I think you sound like a bit of a snob tbh. Is it because she's got children or doesn't earn as much as him? Back off; he's almost 30

OP, he’s 29! At that age, I was living abroad, having previously lived in several countries, my parents had no idea about my finances, and were totally uninvolved in my relationship ( I’d married DH so they did know him of course)😄.

You’re worried about your DS moving two hours away and leaving his childhood friends?! Let him get on with it- although I agree with previous advice that he should move into his gf’s rented property initially, before buying a house together. They need to be sure they’re happy living together as a family before committing to a house purchase.

I have DS of 31 and a DD of 30. If I tried to interfere in either of their love lives they would, quite rightly, tell me to butt out! And fwiw, I wouldn’t have an issue with them being involved with someone with DC as long as they were happy and treated respectfully. I agree with a PP in that your issue is you think your son can “do better”.

I don’t get parents who are so over invested in their adult children’s lives. I love my DC more than life itself and we are close. But that doesn’t mean I expect them to live their lives in a particular way to please me!

She sounds like a manipulative dickhead and your son sounds too keen and a bit naive.

Like the previous poster said, you’ll just have to be there to pick up the pieces when and if it all goes pear shaped.

I have a DS23 - I never get involved in his relationships even when I can see right through the girl he is dating - also, our sons are not perfect - you are not inside their lives with their partner and therefore never know the whole truth.

Stand back but be there to support.

@GreyFrenchique

Step parent here.

I don't blame you for not wanting this life for him OP. It's hard and it's thankless.

The heart wants what it wants though. Only he can decide what he does.

Very wise. My DH left for a woman he was dotty about, but he found being a step parent to her kids very hard. They divorced after 2 yrs. Nice days out is not like living with someone else’s children 24/7 If they have their bio kid, bio kid is loved more. Not easy being a stepchild, either!

There’s nothing you can do, other than be happy for him.

It’s not what I would want for any of my children. However adults have to make their own Choices and it might sound out really well.

The fact that he hasn’t committed so far speaks volumes.
Having been a step parent it’s not something I would wish for my children. But just take a step back and treat her well.

I also think mn isn’t keen on mums having good relationships with their adult sons. I’m surprise he’s not been labelled a mummy’s boy.

@MadameTuffington

She sounds like a manipulative dickhead and your son sounds too keen and a bit naive.

Like the previous poster said, you’ll just have to be there to pick up the pieces when and if it all goes pear shaped.

I have a DS23 - I never get involved in his relationships even when I can see right through the girl he is dating - also, our sons are not perfect - you are not inside their lives with their partner and therefore never know the whole truth.

Stand back but be there to support.

A manipulative dickhead? Absolutely vile comment

It's the bit about concern for a 29 yo moving to a new area that's particularly odd. I moved to the other end of the country out of my parents' home at 18 as did everyone else I knew. Moved areas many times since. It's usually part of growing up and well, just growing.

Get some therapy OP. This is entirely about YOUR feelings. Which are not normal. And potentially damaging for your DS, his GF and especially yourself.

I would do 2 things :

1. arrange a meeting with a property legal adviser for your son. He needs to have 100%clarity of what he is getting into from the financial standpoint. He might not listen to you, but if an impartial person tells him the girlfriend's demand for 50/50 share is unreasonable he might take it into account. An honest person would never suggest it.
2. gently explain to him the practicalities of raising someone else's children. It is likely he will be told off by her if he tries to parent them in a different way from hers. It is also likely he will be told by the kids how he has no right to discipline them as he is not their dad. Despite him being there for them, spending money on them, investing his time

It is a rather large burden to take on such a young age

Who would ideally choose to be a step parent but maybe these children enrich your sons life?

Op, be very careful how you tread. You absolutely cannot blame this woman for wanting to see some action and commitment from your son.

She has two children to think about.

One day this lady maybe the mother of YOUR grandchildren... How do you think she will involve you in their lives?

Is this common, to have interfering mothers with sons in their 20s? And presumably a generation of mummys boys who can't live independent lives. Really worried about my daughters if that's the case.

He hasn’t lived with the children yet & if the entire relationship has been 2.5 years on & off at a long distance then in reality he probably doesn’t even know what step-parenting full time entails yet.

I would most definitely recommend him to rent his house out & move in with her in the first instance. They need to live together as a family to know whether it’s going to work or not.

The other aspects (family & friends being local, difference in income etc) is not relevant.

It’s all very Jane Austen to object to your son marrying a women worth only £10,000!

OP the mistake you made here was posting truthfully about your son. If you’d said it was a daughter, and she had a boyfriend with 2 kids who was pressurising her to move in with him, and worked part time -then everyone would have said YANBU. The single father boyfriend would have been called a lazy abusive cocklodger. You’d have been told to do everything in your power to stop your daughter from tying herself to this lazy man who clearly wanted her for child care and wanted her money etc etc.

Sadly this is MN where all man are lazy and reckless and all women (esp single mothers) are worthy and wholesome.

In my view YANBU. I think your son is making a huge mistake. I would try your nest to persuade him to keep his house, and rent with the girlfriend to see if it works out.

*Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will pay for everything for her and her 2 kids

You might not want to hear this , but he has made his mind up and chosen her. Their relationship is longterm and has already lasted 2 years. He is willing to be a stepfather and take on all that entails, including prioritising their happiness and futures.

For what its worth, it seems you have raised a good man with a strong moral compass. He loves her and her children, and at 30, he knkws what he is doing. Trust his judgement, but if it does go wrong, be there for him.

You'd be more than happy with them moving to him, when the same things you are worried about, him being away from family and friends etc would be the same for her. Her reasons for wanting to stay where she is sound reasonable, rightly she is putting her children first, and their schooling/friends etc.

I agree you should mind your own business, he has done well for himself, and he is capable of making whatever decisions he wants.

@happytoday73

Suggest he rents out his house and moves in with her. They can look at joint house when get married... I'd just limit myself to that to hopefully keep him financially secure. You need to let him follow his heart or he will resent you.. leave him to it

This is good advice

He doesn’t have experience of living with her week in and week out and with the kids.

He needs to hedge his bets just for a while. They have been on and off and he would lose too much if he makes the wrong move when it comes to property etc.

I know people will say back off, he’s an adult, but my oh made catastrophic mistakes at that age for similar reasons and I too jumped in with both feet when I should have protected myself more.

I'm sorry but your son is 29 not 16. He can make his own decisions. I don't know you so I can't decide if this is from the heart or you are the controlling one but it comes across as controlling. Take it from me, my husbands mum couldn't let him go and it's caused MASSIVE problems between us all to the point he barely sees his parents now and I don't have anything to do with them whatsoever. My children also only see them when my husband decides to. It's caused so many arguments and near split ups between me and my husband and all I can think is wow his parents must feel so special trying to ruin their sons life, because if we split up it would 90% be their fault and my husband would be devesated. Would you want to be one of the reasons for your childs unhappiness? If it all goes wrong just be there for him but at 29 he's more than capable of deciding what to do for himself without mummy telling him.

Feckless not reckless!

@myson123 I don’t think you sound as controlling as other PP have said. You sound concerned, and reasonably so. Your DS and his gf don’t sound compatible. They keep splitting up and seem to want different things, so her guilt tripping him into selling his nice house and leaving his job, friends and family behind to financially care for a woman and her 2 children isn’t great.

she wants to control him, she seems to see £££ signs, he shouldn't be entering into any financial relationship with her or she will take him to the cleaners

Do you know her? Personally?

She wants to control him or she has been seeing someone for a couple of years and would like him to commit to her (and her children)?

Controlling because she doesn't want to move away from her support network and her children's schools?

She seems to see £££££ signs? Possibly. Or the OP's son could have told her he wants an equal relationship, that he trusts her, and that he wants them to start off their lives together on an even footing?

I do agree that he should seek legal advice and protect his investment. I don't think that necessarily makes the new partner a money-grabbing bitch.

I also think that if a 29 year old man is willing to throw in his lot with a single mum who's ex isn't on the scene and have a desire to add to the family, he's probably a pretty decent bloke and rather than be fearful for his future, the OP should perhaps congratulate herself on having managed to bring up a decent human being.