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Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 14/02/2021 22:22

I don't think you can do anything OP, except advise protecting his money should he buy a house with her. There are plenty of women in his age group without children so you have to assume that he rather likes the idea of a woman with children and has made a conscious decision to date her for 2 years.

I think I'd be prepared to be welcoming your own grandchild pretty quickly if they do move in together...

Is this woman a widow? Is the father of her children a factor in any way?

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 22:24

One of my red lines is no Class A drugs in my house. They’re my terms. But apparently that’s prostitution. Who knew?

Nobody knew because that statement is utter and complete bollocks.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 22:24

It’s no wonder to see how many women will willingly be in a situation where they can be quite vulnerable and will still accept a man that they have to push to move in with them. Just the first time should be enough to tell you what he wants. This does not appear to be a healthy relationship.

Menora · 14/02/2021 22:24

If he doesn’t want to move I don’t understand how this woman is forcing him or why there is a thread about it. He’s able to break up with her and she’s given him the choice to walk away. He hasn’t walked away he has told her he will move in. I’m pretty sure he won’t either though. I think Op is probably worrying about nothing. He will continue to sleep with her though I’m sure

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 22:25

Yes he doesn't have to move. He can say no.
32 pages ago

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:27

@VinylDetective

One of my red lines is no Class A drugs in my house. They’re my terms. But apparently that’s prostitution. Who knew?

Nobody knew because that statement is utter and complete bollocks.

🤣
Lady089 · 14/02/2021 22:44

I hope your son walks away and leaves this lady to be with someone who actually respects her and wants to share their life with her.
He is blatantly stringing her along, if after over 2 years he hasn’t made any sort of commitment to her.
She is a single parent with 2 DC who have no contact with their father, she provides for herself and her children and has managed to save 10k towards a deposit, she sounds rather amazing to me.
Your posts raise many red flags about you and your son. You’ve put this poor woman down before even welcoming her into your lives.
Honestly, she deserves much better! I hope she sees sense.

Hottielottie · 14/02/2021 22:45

So she rents. Has much lower income. Wants to take this huge leap & buy a house together with your son & be on the deeds as 50/50 split.

Hmmmmm Confused

All sounds a bit dodgy to me! I actually think she's really cheeky for suggesting this given the circumstances of her not owning a property & huge difference in wage!

Renting together first is the sensible option here, and yes I would advise all of the above to your son.

Girlfriend is a cheeky fucker I say!

Manchester1990 · 14/02/2021 22:46

You sound like Pam from Gavin and Stacey.

CherryPieface · 14/02/2021 22:48

He earns a good wage, but nothing out of the ordinary. If she was a ‘gold digger’ surely she’d aim a bit higher than 50k and some bonus?

OP, you need to lighten up. And having a wonderful step-parent can make the world of difference to children - would you not want your son to play that lovely role?

CherryPieface · 14/02/2021 22:49

@Lady089

I hope your son walks away and leaves this lady to be with someone who actually respects her and wants to share their life with her. He is blatantly stringing her along, if after over 2 years he hasn’t made any sort of commitment to her. She is a single parent with 2 DC who have no contact with their father, she provides for herself and her children and has managed to save 10k towards a deposit, she sounds rather amazing to me. Your posts raise many red flags about you and your son. You’ve put this poor woman down before even welcoming her into your lives. Honestly, she deserves much better! I hope she sees sense.
Yes, exactly this x
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:51

@Lady089

I hope your son walks away and leaves this lady to be with someone who actually respects her and wants to share their life with her. He is blatantly stringing her along, if after over 2 years he hasn’t made any sort of commitment to her. She is a single parent with 2 DC who have no contact with their father, she provides for herself and her children and has managed to save 10k towards a deposit, she sounds rather amazing to me. Your posts raise many red flags about you and your son. You’ve put this poor woman down before even welcoming her into your lives. Honestly, she deserves much better! I hope she sees sense.
Two years????? That is nothing.
TableFlowerss · 14/02/2021 22:52

Omg he’s 29- not 17!! Stop trying to control him

Dasher789 · 14/02/2021 22:52

I think this is a tought one.

From her side, she is a single mother and the df has no contact so it makes sense she works part time. It makes sense she doesn't want to move as her kids are settled at school. It is also astounding but quite a good sign that despite being pt and a single mum to 2 kids that she has £10k in savings. I understand that from her perspective, she has kids and she wants a serious relationship. She wants a father to her kids and security.

I see from ur ds side that he earns more, the house shouldn't go 50/50, he feels pushed to make a decision.

On balance I'm probably more on the GF side however, I fully appreciate and understand why you are concerned and that this wasn't the life you envisaged for your ds.

Menora · 14/02/2021 22:53

I have first hand experience of this to be honest. My step brother was in a very on off relationship with an older woman and my step mum hated her. Step brother was always coming home and telling terrible tales about her when they had a row but then soon was back round there the next day. Step mum was frantic over it and couldn’t understand what kind of hold this witch had over him. Step mum was convinced this woman was all bad news and just after his money. He messed her around back and forth for over 5 years, going on lads trips and buying nice cars etc, fair enough it was his money but I mean no one was forcing him to have this girlfriend if he didn’t want one and she really wanted to have kids and they fell out a lot because he wasn’t ready.

Eventually my step brother matured a bit nearer 30 and decided he did want to settle down and they got married. They then struggled to conceive for years and eventually after IVF they had a baby recently and are very happy.

I thought she should have cut her losses a long while back but for some reason she waited for him to be ready. It took him ages but he finally was. Step mum died shortly after they got married very suddenly and never got to see their baby. I don’t know how or why they do work or whether it will last but what I do know is that you need to try not to fall in the trap of always seeing your kids in the best light and everyone else as at fault. It’s entirely possible your own child has flaws too

GADDay · 14/02/2021 22:55

Crikey I thought you were going to say he was 17 and she was 35.

You don't get to have an opinion (or at the very least you don't get to voice it). Stop being so weird and controlling with your adult son.

🤯

Lady089 · 14/02/2021 22:59

@RootyT00t - 2 years maybe nothing to you but for a lot of women that want a fully committed relationship, it’s a long time.

SoEverybodyDance · 14/02/2021 23:02

@missrm and others taking the piss...

You are actually pretty horrid. OP has every good reason to worry about a situation where his girlfriend only puts in 10% and wants it recognised as 50%.

OP I'm afraid you just have to step back, hope it's going to work out and be there for him if it doesn't. You sound like lovely, caring parents and the fact he also has a good set of friends will all helpful if it goes wrong.

Suggesting that they rent before they buy is a good idea esp now when covid makes buying and selling houses more difficult.

Good luck. I hope it works out...

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 23:08

That 10, 000 is worth a whole lot mote to her than his contribution as a free wheeling so called by op, High flier, she has far more of to loose.

My goodness how long to be together before people know they are matched? 2,years is not two months.
She wants commitment.
He can't give it, he needs to stop wasting her time.

Marcipex · 14/02/2021 23:15

Not wanting to move children from schools is fair enough.
Wanting commitment is fair enough.

Wanting 50:50 ownership when input is so unequal is a big red flag.

AIMD · 14/02/2021 23:16

When your child is in their late twenties, owns their own home and has a well paid career you really need to try to step back from their decisions about their personal life.

Is your nose out of joint because this isn’t the life you pictured for him (or you). Maybe you pictured him staying local to you, marrying someone with no children and then raising a new family round the corner from you while you play doting grandma?

Just a guess

saraclara · 14/02/2021 23:17

@LolaSmiles

VinylDetective Threads like this always get into fantasy land.

Apparently whatever a woman does is perfectly reasonable, even if comparable conduct from a man would be rightly challenged... unless the woman is a stepmother or a mother in law. Step mothers and mothers in law are obviously all that is wrong with the world and they should be caring but not too caring, totally supportive but also totally detached. They have to play the game of 'guess what the DP's ex/DP's partner wants' when the odds are anything they say or do means they lose.

Post of the month. If not the year.
Norwayreally · 14/02/2021 23:18

He’s 29. Lots of people have married and had children by 29. You need to butt out of his life, he’s a fully grown man and there’s more to the world than your home town.

LaBellySausage · 14/02/2021 23:18

I wish people would stop saying 'if it were a man making these demands the answers would be different' etc etc.

Obviously it's different for men and women; if she'd 30 she doesn't have 10 years to waste hanging around to see if he grows up and commits. She has 5 good fertile years, plus anouther another 5 where it's going to be more of a struggle, then we get into her 40s where many have to use ivf. If he faffs around 'gaming' with his friends from school for 5 more years then leaves her, it doesnt leave a huge amount of scope for her to meet someone new in time to start a family with them.

Women can't wait around forever. It's totally reasonable to say 'look, we either move in, get married and have a family, or it's over'. Why should she gamble her fertility on a man who doesn't know if he wants to commit to her after 2.5 years at 29?

Men have decades to have kids. Sure they might not be as sprightly, but they can have a family for much longer than we can.

I agree it'd be a good idea to have a trial live together first for a few months (which they probably would anyway while they house hunted) but after that he needs to accept that there's risk getting married and having children, for everyone involved. And at some point you need to take a leap of faith that you're going to stick at it.

He can sell up, move in with her for a while, then they can both look for somewhere new. He can ringfence his assets but if they're planning on marriage and more kids asap I doubt that will matter.

GalaKC · 14/02/2021 23:19

I understand your concerns, being a mother too, but think of these points as calmly as you can:
He is a grown man
He loves her
He won't listen to you- and if he does and he loses her he will blame YOU and resent you for it
2 hours away is really not that big of a deal
She has children so it's only natural that she wants as little disruption to their lives as possible. Other women would not hesitate to shift anywhere for a man and this lady put her children first, so props to her for that.
It is really not your place to run his life... he is an adult.
Just be proud that you have raised a man that can be man enough to love a lady with children. It means you raised him well. Now step back, relax, let him live his life and be there for him if it goes wrong. That is how we learn and grow in life.