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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 22:10

He is being expected to financially contribute at an uneven level and shift his life for a woman he has been with for two years and financially support her and her children.

No, he isn’t. Those are the terms of having a relationship with this woman. He doesn’t have to do so.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 22:10

Coyacan

I agree. Nothing more to say, I hope she ditches him too. Absolute nightmare situation she's in...whoever she is.. One hopes someone lovley and special is out there for her.

Ivfplease · 14/02/2021 22:11

Lucky her having a MIL like you Hmm keep your nose out of their business.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:12

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

A man supporting and committed to 2 dc? Obviously not ideal but I'd rather get to know him before casting wild aspersions on his siren call leading my wise beautiful daughter to her awful fate?

My dd is only 13 and I already trust her immensely.. She has a very sensible head on her shoulders... Whoever she loves... I'd trust her judgement.
People make mistakes... I can only see wild addiction problems, cults, extreme beliefs as issues... But if that's what happens it's simply not for me to do anything... Except be there for her..

Your posts are very odd. I'm not sure what point you are making at all.
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 22:12

Apparently whatever a woman does is perfectly reasonable, even if comparable conduct from a man would be rightly challenged... unless the woman is a stepmother or a mother in law. Step mothers and mothers in law are obviously all that is wrong with the world and they should be caring but not too caring, totally supportive but also totally detached. They have to play the game of 'guess what the DP's ex/DP's partner wants' when the odds are anything they say or do means they lose.

All of this. Spot on.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 22:12

Menora...

I agree... I'd be embarrassed.. Stringing someone along with 2dc.

If this was my dd I would' embarrassed at the low level of morals I'd instilled into her.

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 22:13

@Ivfplease

Lucky her having a MIL like you Hmm keep your nose out of their business.
OP isn’t her Mil.
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:13

@Menora

The advice is not relevant he hasn’t asked for his mums advice. OP is asking us to help her with what to say to him to stop him, not help him. He’s chosen to stay in a relationship with this woman knowing full well he doesn’t want the same things as her, or isn’t ready and now she has got sick of the relationship going nowhere he’s jumping in with both feet. This is up to him

And reversed, if my daughter (I have an adult daughter) had been back and forth with a lower earning man with 2 small DC, I would be cross with her for what could look like stringing someone along for over 2 years. Yes I would mention protecting her assets, that’s a given. But I wouldn’t walk around pretending she is some kind of angel and the man is just simply a money hungry cock lodger.

So he told his mother about his GFS bank details and her being controlling because?
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:14

@AStudyinPink

He is being expected to financially contribute at an uneven level and shift his life for a woman he has been with for two years and financially support her and her children.

No, he isn’t. Those are the terms of having a relationship with this woman. He doesn’t have to do so.

Terms Hmm
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 22:14

Rooty, whats odd?

alexdgr8 · 14/02/2021 22:15

OP, does your son have a father.
if so, maybe he would do better to confide in him. men's talk.
you seem overly invested in the details of your grown-up son's life. it sound unhealthy to me.

Ivfplease · 14/02/2021 22:15

It seems she will be soon. Poor girl, I hope she knows what she’s in for.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 22:16

Yes rooty, moral terms?

Not legal terms or financial terms but moral terms?

Do you understand morality? Is this why you are finding my posts confusing?

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 22:16

No, he isn’t. Those are the terms of having a relationship with this woman. He doesn’t have to do so

That sounds suspiciously like the definition of prostitution to me.

Mischance · 14/02/2021 22:18

He's 29 - he is a fully grown adult. You must try not to worry about him.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 22:18

RootyT00t

Yes. If you want a relationship with another person, they will have non-negotiables. I do. I wouldn’t want a half-arsed relationship at 30, especially if I had kids and wanted more. I’d say, “This is how I see my life working.” Then, if the other person had non-negotiables, the same process would occur and we would see whether our red lines were compatible.

I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who wouldn’t move in with me because his mum said he shouldn’t.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:18

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

Yes rooty, moral terms?

Not legal terms or financial terms but moral terms?

Do you understand morality? Is this why you are finding my posts confusing?

No I find your posts confusing because they appear to have no connection with reality and don't really seem to point to what your opinion is.

Interestingly enough there is a thread running just now where a woman says she wants certain things from a man before she will sleep with him and she is being absolutely torn apart for setting terms. Funny that.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 22:19

That sounds suspiciously like the definition of prostitution to me.

That sounds suspiciously like misogyny to me.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:19

@AStudyinPink

RootyT00t

Yes. If you want a relationship with another person, they will have non-negotiables. I do. I wouldn’t want a half-arsed relationship at 30, especially if I had kids and wanted more. I’d say, “This is how I see my life working.” Then, if the other person had non-negotiables, the same process would occur and we would see whether our red lines were compatible.

I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who wouldn’t move in with me because his mum said he shouldn’t.

But that's not why. It's abundantly clear the son doesn't want to either. We've done this to death.
Sceptre86 · 14/02/2021 22:19

If you spell out your feelings to him you will risk alienating him. Instead be a friendly ear, always on the other side of the phone. Be careful not to criticise her or his decisions. In the end all you can do is be willing to be there for him and pick up the pieces if it all goes south. Yanbu to want your son to have a different kind of life but ultimately he is an adult and can make his own choices, good or bad.

Menora · 14/02/2021 22:20

@RootyT00t

Because he can. Most people complain to their friends and family when they are cross or upset. It’s very contradictory. She’s controlling but he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She’s after his money and wants commitment but he loves the kids and wants to move 2 hours away and buy a house. She’s said it’s over unless he moves to where her kids go to school but he wants a baby with her

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:20

Ah misogyny. That's quite late in the thread for that one, it usually appears much earlier.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 22:20

Not legal terms or financial terms but moral terms?

Indeed. One of my red lines is no Class A drugs in my house. They’re my terms. But apparently that’s prostitution. Who knew?

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 22:20

[quote Menora]@RootyT00t

Because he can. Most people complain to their friends and family when they are cross or upset. It’s very contradictory. She’s controlling but he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She’s after his money and wants commitment but he loves the kids and wants to move 2 hours away and buy a house. She’s said it’s over unless he moves to where her kids go to school but he wants a baby with her[/quote]
He doesn't want to move. This is the crux of the issue.

Tinkerbell456 · 14/02/2021 22:22

In the interests of full disclosure, I don’t have any kids, although I’m old enough to have a son of the op’s sons age.
Op, I get your concerns. I would have them too. I guess all parents want their children to be safe and happy, physically, emotionally and financially.
However, your son is 29. Big boy now. He needs to be able to make his own choices and own the consequences, as all adults do, whether good or bad. You do seem a bit over involved, in that you know how much he earns, his relationship issues etc. Did he choose to tell you that stuff or did you ask and he felt he had to tell you? I wonder if your issue is not with the girlfriend being controlling or your fear of not having control? Your user name is my son! You do seem to have a blueprint for how you want his life to be.
You sound like a mother who loves her son very much and naturally want to protect him from hurt. He has to make his own way in the world though.If this turns out to be a big mistake, all you can do is to be there for him. On the other hand, this may be the making of him.