Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

Also interesting how many insist man must move and pay unequally into the house to support children that aren't his.

If this was a woman being asked to do this there would be absolute uproar.

I would be unhappy with any adult child of mine having to take on someone else's kids. It's always a cause of stress and arguments even in the smoothest arrangements. My daughter agrees, seeing her friends having to play mummy and then suddenly they're out of the picture and the boyfriend has another woman in the role. And as someone else said the step granny role seems nightmarish and doomed to conflict.

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

Op has admitted she's very attractive?

Nothing has been mentioned about happiness.. If op had said he's a changed man, hollow shell always broke etc... Different story.
She's only said he's concerned about moving and he loves her.
The lady has made their commitment of allowing her dc to meet and get to know this man.. That's a massive step and commitment... Is it not?
I can't believe people saying 2 dc red flag..
We don't know if her partner had even passed away
I'm can't believe they say part time job red flag!! She has 2 dc!!

I can't believe people who put all this before love!

Has she?

We know nothing about tbe relationship with the kids.

Given I'd imagine she waited a bit of time, and the pandemic, I think we can safely assume he hasn't known them very long.
Yet she wants him to unequally pay into the house while she works part time.

The onslaught is because the OP is written in just such a judgmental way.

There are always 3 sides, his, hers and somewhere in the middle.

The OP has a son who could be seen as stringing along a single mother for a couple of years, getting her hopes up of having another child and having a solid family, only for him to change his mind again, then again and go back to her, then it’s off again

Even from the few details given I can appreciate that perhaps he is a solvent ambitious man who is an attractive prospect, and she’s apparently attractive (according to OP she has no other redeeming features) but she’s perhaps wasting her time on him keep hoping he will commit and he’s hoping she will stick around waiting for him to make his mind up. Maybe they aren’t right for each other. OP knows fully well he won’t listen to her which is why she’s asking here and Op’s son will already know his mum dislikes his GF. Christmas 2021 will be a lot of fun

Keep your beak out!

The gf wants to rent, he, the sons doesn't.

In that case, seeing as bizzarly she has less stability than a rental contract, he should offer her to live rent free... Then she gets stability from saving rent...

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

The gf wants to rent, he, the sons doesn't.

In that case, seeing as bizzarly she has less stability than a rental contract, he should offer her to live rent free... Then she gets stability from saving rent...

He should let her live rent free....

In what world?!

And as someone else said the step granny role seems nightmarish and doomed to conflict

I’m in that role and it’s actually quite nice. Although it’s different in my case because the grandchildren are my stepson’s kids and I’ve known their dad since he was 7.

@Menora

The onslaught is because the OP is written in just such a judgmental way.

There are always 3 sides, his, hers and somewhere in the middle.

The OP has a son who could be seen as stringing along a single mother for a couple of years, getting her hopes up of having another child and having a solid family, only for him to change his mind again, then again and go back to her, then it’s off again

Even from the few details given I can appreciate that perhaps he is a solvent ambitious man who is an attractive prospect, and she’s apparently attractive (according to OP she has no other redeeming features) but she’s perhaps wasting her time on him keep hoping he will commit and he’s hoping she will stick around waiting for him to make his mind up. Maybe they aren’t right for each other. OP knows fully well he won’t listen to her which is why she’s asking here and Op’s son will already know his mum dislikes his GF. Christmas 2021 will be a lot of fun

I don't think it appears that OP knows this woman. I can imagine given everything, they haven't met much. It also appears that son has been negative about her so I don't think she can be blamed for not knowing her redeeming features here.

"He wants her to be the mother of his children too apparently!!"

Why are you using double exclamation marks here? Like it's something so terrible? I'm sorry but you sound overly jealous and you'll only achieve ruining the relationship you have with your son if you carry on like this

@Caketroubles

I think a lot of posters are projecting here OP. I would be concerned too if someone demanded a 50/50 share in a house that my DC doesn’t want it even buy yet for a while. It sounds like a big demand. That is the red flag here. It is also related to the huge difference between the deposits they will put in together, the way they haven’t lived together yet (and your DS has no real idea of how a day to day life with two DCs will be when he himself has no support system around him) and the difference between their earnings. It’s worrying how so many posters missed the whole point of not seeing the inequality in this. Imagine a reverse in AIBU: the man would be called a cocklodger and freeloader within first five posts! As a woman myself, I can’t imagine how I would expect a man to marry me, put me as equal on a house bought BEFORE we even moved in together and plan to have children with him while I am earning five times less than him.

Yep. Agree with all of this.

Perfect put Cake.

@HeidiHaughton

I would be unhappy with any adult child of mine having to take on someone else's kids. It's always a cause of stress and arguments even in the smoothest arrangements. My daughter agrees, seeing her friends having to play mummy and then suddenly they're out of the picture and the boyfriend has another woman in the role. And as someone else said the step granny role seems nightmarish and doomed to conflict.

Gosh let's hope you never become a step grandparent!

Why don't you offer any advice from the perspective of the current/likely economic situation with Covid and not any judgement on their relationship? It would be a good idea to hold off buying/ put off selling his house until things settle down. Give it six months living together and hopefully things will be clearer. I'm surprised she wants to go all in without testing the water first. It seems sensible to live as a family before adding the other pressures. House buying is a stress on any relationship and not wise while also blending very different lives

The best advice to give him is how to protect his assets. Certainly renting out his current house seems to be most sensible.

She should not be permitted 50/50 on the deeds of whatever house they buy if she is only investing 10%. They are not his children, why should he be paying disproportionately for a house for them to live in?

Sounds as though she sees your son as a solution to getting out of her current rental, she’s got a cheek and the threats are extreme. How dare she tell him what to do with his money? I’d wish her luck finding the next mug to take her on.

He may well come to resent that, hopefully you can help him mitigate the financial damage.

Got it perfectly Cake.

It’s not the disparity that causes this.

Absolutely.

Maybe she's fed up of him messing her about, lovely booty call with an attractive woman... And back to bachelor life.. Maybe she wants to see if he loves her.

He doesn't have to do anything does he?

Caketroubles is right.
How many here would support an adult daughter taking on two kids, a man with far less money and purchasing a house he didn't put an equal amount into buying.
I would tell my daughter it sounds like a foolish relationship choice. Love doesn't mean you'll do anything and everything to hang onto a partner.

I do think that those castigating OP who maintain they’d be saying the same if the person in the son’s situation was a woman are being less than honest.

100% this.

A man supporting and committed to 2 dc? Obviously not ideal but I'd rather get to know him before casting wild aspersions on his siren call leading my wise beautiful daughter to her awful fate?

My dd is only 13 and I already trust her immensely.. She has a very sensible head on her shoulders... Whoever she loves... I'd trust her judgement.
People make mistakes... I can only see wild addiction problems, cults, extreme beliefs as issues... But if that's what happens it's simply not for me to do anything... Except be there for her..

I hope that woman has the sense to bin the OP's son. He sounds like a nightmare with a nightmare mother.

All you can do is advise him. As you would a friend/sister/brother. Anyone really. He should rent out his house if he wants to move and wait until he gets to know his partner better (living together) before adding to the family. If after a year or two they are very happy then by all means sell his house and add to the family. That's just common sense. Doing anything less is being irrational. You are going to offer advise to a relative if you view their actions as irrational. It's the same here.

Alot of posters have very interfering and controlled MILs so they might be projecting without realising it.

My dd already has solid savings and I couldn't care less really about her pinning down a future love to putting in the same precise amount.

She wouldn't exist if I'd have to do that and yet it's me who has the stable job now and me who has the healthier finances.

Life is so short I want her to be happy... If that costs her some ££ on buying a house so be it.

The advice is not relevant he hasn’t asked for his mums advice. OP is asking us to help her with what to say to him to stop him, not help him. He’s chosen to stay in a relationship with this woman knowing full well he doesn’t want the same things as her, or isn’t ready and now she has got sick of the relationship going nowhere he’s jumping in with both feet. This is up to him

And reversed, if my daughter (I have an adult daughter) had been back and forth with a lower earning man with 2 small DC, I would be cross with her for what could look like stringing someone along for over 2 years. Yes I would mention protecting her assets, that’s a given. But I wouldn’t walk around pretending she is some kind of angel and the man is just simply a money hungry cock lodger.