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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 14/02/2021 21:13

Why not suggest to him he rents his house out and move in with her. Living with someone full time and taking on 2 kids full time is a whole new experience and pressure. This way if it all goes tits up and it might (as they keep splitting up), he hasn't lost half of everything he's worked for. This way he has rental income and can contribute half towards household bills and outgoings without taking on most of the financial responsibility . People do sometimes have ulterior motives, not that we like to mention that but they do. If she works part time and has an income of 10k she will be supported by the state. This will end to a large degree if he moves in with her. This will then, no doubt become his responsibility to fill that financial gap. I wouldn't expect a 30 year old man to be aware of this. Not sure why so many here are bitching about you having your concerns. I have heard some awful stories of people I know being screwed by their so called loving partner, forcing ultimatums for putting deeds into 50/50. This would even ring alarm bells for me. Why would you insist on that, why is it a priority. The relationship is two and a half years old. But not living together so the dynamics are totally different. 24/7 living shows up weaknesses in a relationship.

You are within your rights to be concerned but it's up to him what he does with his life. You relay this to him while remaining neutral.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:13

@RootyT00t
You're being dramatic
No one is saying serve him? Wtf?
Of course that's your role as a parent to be supportive. Even if you don't agree

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 21:13

@AStudyinPink

How many threads after threads have you seen on Mumsnet where the disparity in finances leads to lack of respect and loss of boundary down the line no matter how lovely the marriage was in the start?

It’s not the disparity that causes this.

Then you haven’t read enough thread perhaps.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:14

@VinylDetective

She's mena to be supportive in his choices even if she doesn't agree with them

Ludicrous. It’s like the MN mantra that your husband should always support you even when you’re blatantly in the wrong. Just bollocks.

A husband and a son are two different roles

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:14

The message is clear @VinylDetective.

The adult child can talk to them as much as they like (only on approved topics though) but when they change their mind OP must change with them. She must listen to his worries and confiding and then when he changes his mind have no worry of her own. She must support him in decisions she doesn't think are right them if it goes wrong she must be supportive then too.

Because she's a parent of a son so therefore none of her views are valid and future wives rule all.

However, if any of these posters posted something like this about their own daughter and I told them to keep their neb out, I don't think that would go well.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:15

No, it isn't. Good parenting in my book is not that.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 21:15

Then you haven’t read enough thread perhaps.

I have. It’s not the disparity that causes it. It’s the unwillingness to put the family unit first and wholly commit to it.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:16

[quote Silenceisgolden20]@RootyT00t
You're being dramatic
No one is saying serve him? Wtf?
Of course that's your role as a parent to be supportive. Even if you don't agree[/quote]
She has to listen to his worries, support him, change her views at whim depending on where they are in the break up cycle and jump between not getting involved and listening to bank account details. When he makes a decision she doesn't like based on the info he gave her, she must agree anyway and support him if it goes wrong. Which part of that is not serving him?

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:17

@AStudyinPink

Then you haven’t read enough thread perhaps.

I have. It’s not the disparity that causes it. It’s the unwillingness to put the family unit first and wholly commit to it.

They aren't his children.

He is being expected to financially contribute at an uneven level and shift his life for a woman he has been with for two years and financially support her and her children.

It might be reasonable for her, but it clearly isn't for him, or this debate wouldn't be happening.

jimmyjammy001 · 14/02/2021 21:18

Two Kids - RED FLAG
Wants 50/50 on the house - RED FLAG
Been on/off for over 2 years - RED FLAG
GF works Part Time - RED FLAG
Will have to give up his current perfect lifestyle - RED FLAG

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 21:18

@AStudyinPink

Then you haven’t read enough thread perhaps.

I have. It’s not the disparity that causes it. It’s the unwillingness to put the family unit first and wholly commit to it.

This guy is not ready to commit even to move in with this girl and has broken up many times, she is ready to plan children with him and has given him an ultimatum. Does not sound like a respectful thing to me.

PADH · 14/02/2021 21:19

I have been the girlfriend in this situation. I had a child from a previous relationship when I met my now DH. We were together 3 years and bought a house together. My MIL went crazy because Dh was moving to me (because my DC was in school) and because he was providing a larger deposit towards said house (at the time I was renting with a DC, while working PT and studying and he was living expense free with his parents). She made life miserable for him with her constant judgement, telling him he was making a mistake, I was using him, I had too much baggage, I was using him as a meal ticket, he was a naive little boy thinking with his dick... it went on and on and well passed the point of voicing motherly concern.

Fast forward 10 years, we're now happily married with 2 more kids, I have far out earned my "meal ticket" of a DH and have overtaken his original deposit and mortgage contributions. Her relationship with her son, and subsequently her grandchildren, have irrevocably broken down. He never forgave her for the control she tried to hold over him, and never forgave the way she treated me and my dc1, whom my DH loves as his own.

Now, I acknowledge we were lucky, and that it is no way a guarantee that things will work out for OPs son and his girlfriend. You are right to gently raise any concerns you may have - you are his mother and no matter how old our kids are, we want to look out for them. However, it's up to your son to make his decision after that. You can't keep on at him, or try to sway him one way or the other. Best case scenario, he'll end up marrying this woman and go on to have children and you'll want to be a part of that. Worst case scenario, it'll all go arse over face and you'll want him to be able to go to you for support. If you go too hard on this you might risk yourself losing out and damaging your relationship with your son.

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 21:20

This isn’t a family unit. It’s a boyfriend who’s vacillating about moving in. They’re not living together, they’re not married, the kids aren’t his. The family unit is the girlfriend and her kids.

saraclara · 14/02/2021 21:21

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@saraclara no, she earns 10k a year.

Sounds like if he stands his ground she will announce a "surprise" pregnancy to force his hand. I have a 30 year old son and I would feel the same as you if he was in this situation. He had an ex that wanted to get engaged, he wasnt sure. She said if he wouldnt marry her then he would leave. Which I get, she wanted marriage and said that she would find a man who also did if my son didnt. Except that he saved hard, bought her a very expensive ring and within a month of the engagement she fucked him off and kept the ring.

As for what you can do.....nothing. As I learned. Just make it clear that you will be there for him when (and it is a when) it all goes south. She sees him as a meal ticket. I would see if you can persuade him to have a percentage agreement on the house purchase.[/quote]
This, from the OP is confusing then. I assumed the figures were for a deposit, because then OP says "She also earns a lot less than my son".
So I'm not sure what OP means.

Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time,

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:21

Oh for goodness sake.
Let's agree to disagree as you're taking everything I write way over the top and being dramatic.
As a parent, I feel you support your children, even when grown, in their life decisions. If you don't agree, fine but it's not your life, it is theirs and they may lead a life you didn't imagine .
You may voice this without being opinionated but they still need to decide themselves. Mistakes and all
If you see that as serving then fine , I don't really care as i raise my children how I choose and think best
Just as I'm sure you do.

LolaSmiles · 14/02/2021 21:22

Imagine a single mum prioritising her children by keeping them in the area where they go to school and are near their family.I'm sooooo shocked that a single might only be able to work part time around her children;she sounds so awful 🙄🙄🙄
It's not awful that she is a single mum.

The concerning element is that she wants her on off partner of several years to put substantially more of his assets into a home, and then ensure she is entitled to 50% of it.

Too many people here seem intent on pushing the 'omg the OP must hate single mums, why should a mum uproot her children for a man' angle and conveniently seem to be ignoring that the red flag isn't to do with that. The red flag is that she is expecting him to plough his finances into a house she wants 50% claim on when they haven't even lived together yet.

If he does move in then I seriously hope he insists on condoms as it wouldn't take much for a not-so-surprise baby to arrive.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:23

@Silenceisgolden20

Oh for goodness sake. Let's agree to disagree as you're taking everything I write way over the top and being dramatic. As a parent, I feel you support your children, even when grown, in their life decisions. If you don't agree, fine but it's not your life, it is theirs and they may lead a life you didn't imagine . You may voice this without being opinionated but they still need to decide themselves. Mistakes and all If you see that as serving then fine , I don't really care as i raise my children how I choose and think best Just as I'm sure you do.

I'm not OTT or dramatic. You haven't actually been able to tell me what's wrong in anything I've said.

I don't disagree with you on the rest of it, I just think OP has done absolutely nothing wrong here .

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 21:23

Root,

In that case, op needs to be encouraging her son to stop using this poor woman.

Op should be absolutely embarrassed and ashamed that he's strung her along all this time when all he actually wants to persue are very different things.

She should be counselling him to stop wasting this person's time.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 21:23

@PADH
Your situation sounds quite different than OP’s.

FidgetArse · 14/02/2021 21:24

His 29.
Cut the strings!

jimmyjammy001 · 14/02/2021 21:25

"They aren't his children.

He is being expected to financially contribute at an uneven level and shift his life for a woman he has been with for two years and financially support her and her children.

It might be reasonable for her, but it clearly isn't for him, or this debate wouldn't be happening."

Completely agree, why on earth does he want to invest all of the his time, effort, money and life into a ready made family, can he not have his own?! No wonder his mum is so disappointed in him that he couldn't do better for himself in life,especially as he has obviously worked so hard to get a perfect life and just needs to find someone who has also worked hard who is also at the same life page as himself - never married/no kids /good career/own house e.t.c

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 21:25

Lola on the other hand she's put her children into it?

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 21:26

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

Lola on the other hand she's put her children into it?

What do you mean?

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:27

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

Root,

In that case, op needs to be encouraging her son to stop using this poor woman.

Op should be absolutely embarrassed and ashamed that he's strung her along all this time when all he actually wants to persue are very different things.

She should be counselling him to stop wasting this person's time.

You cannot be for real.

Why should op be absolutely embarrassed and ashamed by her son's behaviour?

The same son that for the last however many pages is his own oerson with his own life and OP has no say and should stay out of it? I've read it all now.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:27

@Jimmyjammy001
That is so sad.
Maybe because he wants a life with her?
He could easily date women without kids couldn't he? No one is making him

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