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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 21:03

Rooty everything screamed this!!

Sheffield doesn't trust her son!! She doesn't trust his judgement, his life choices what's right for him... Nothing

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:03

And if I were the son , i would stop telling her so many details to use against him how hes making a mistake.

Iwonder08 · 14/02/2021 21:04

It is not the fact she is a single mum with the part time job that is concerning. It is the fact despite her previous experience (2 kids with dad no contact) she is desperate to have another child with a man who is not fully committed to her (on/off relationship for 2 years) + she wants him to buy a house before they have actually tried living together and assign a half to her.
Assuming the information provided by OP is accurate that doesn't pain a good picture of the GF

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 21:05

All op needs to say is, don't do it if it doesn't feel right.

That's all.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:05

I assume nobody on this thread berating OP allows their own children to confide anything about their relationship unless they're female.

I don't think anything screams she doesn't trust him. She is worried.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 21:05

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

How many posters on here, 1st marriage really feel content because their bank balance and job matches their spouse? Because neither dh nor I could give a crap?!

It's the most dreadful materialistic rubbish I've seen spouted for a long time.. I honestly can't imagine lying down next to dh sighing with pleasure, not because he's beautiful and loves me and I love him and adore him.... But because his bank balance matches mine.

I can't get my head around it.

How many threads after threads have you seen on Mumsnet where the disparity in finances leads to lack of respect and loss of boundary down the line no matter how lovely the marriage was in the start? Again, if it was a woman, the advice would be completely different here.
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:06

@Silenceisgolden20

And if I were the son , i would stop telling her so many details to use against him how hes making a mistake.
Parents cant win here.

Adult child confides. Parent uses this evidence to decide they are worried. They are in the wrong.

How?

This theory of take it all on board then just smile and nod even if you don't agree just on case adult child decides to take the huff (and you lose him forever as pedalled out by many PPs) is ludicrous. Anyone who does that to a parent basedd on information they themself gave is an arsehole.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:06

@caketroubles
But they're not his, they're his girlfriends.

There has to be some privacy between what you share with your parents as a grown adult. All hes doing is giving his ammunition to go against the girlfriend.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 21:07

Maybe gf what's stability??..

She doesn't want to be messed around?
She has 2 dc.. She loves op son and if he really wants her he will move other wise over and move on..

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:07

Giving his mum that should say

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 21:08

@Iwonder08

It is not the fact she is a single mum with the part time job that is concerning. It is the fact despite her previous experience (2 kids with dad no contact) she is desperate to have another child with a man who is not fully committed to her (on/off relationship for 2 years) + she wants him to buy a house before they have actually tried living together and assign a half to her. Assuming the information provided by OP is accurate that doesn't pain a good picture of the GF
This. ^ Taken alone, some of the bits are not worrying. But taken together, there are too many red flags and OP’s son should back off from this instability and heartache.
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 21:08

MN is all about airing how we feel about things. She has as much right as anyone else.

We weren’t talking about airing things on here, though. We were talking about intervening with her son to change his intended course of action.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:09

Shes mot meant to be winning!!!!
She's mena to be supportive in his choices even if she doesn't agree with them

thenewduchessofhastings · 14/02/2021 21:09

Can't we tell your going to be a thorn in what is effectively going to be your daughter in laws side.

Maybe he should ditch her and find someone local with no kids and a full time job;oh wait that's what you want because you're snotty and judgmental.

God forbid a single mum should dare to date someone with no kids right?

Imagine a single mum prioritising her children by keeping them in the area where they go to school and are near their family.I'm sooooo shocked that a single might only be able to work part time around her children;she sounds so awful 🙄🙄🙄

You need to give your head a massive wobble;you could actually have a lovely relationship with her and her children but you've already judged her and past sentence haven't you?

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 21:09

Root, you do realise all this comes down to the money, op doesn't mention happiness or anything... Just his friends and loose life... And his job....

All of that becomes pretty shallow if you can't share with anyone..

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 21:09

How many threads after threads have you seen on Mumsnet where the disparity in finances leads to lack of respect and loss of boundary down the line no matter how lovely the marriage was in the start?

It’s not the disparity that causes this.

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 21:10

[quote Silenceisgolden20]@caketroubles
But they're not his, they're his girlfriends.

There has to be some privacy between what you share with your parents as a grown adult. All hes doing is giving his ammunition to go against the girlfriend.[/quote]
So nobody can talk to their parents about their worries and use them as a sounding board? I’m bloody glad I didn’t get that memo when my parents were still here.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:10

@Silenceisgolden20

Shes mot meant to be winning!!!! She's mena to be supportive in his choices even if she doesn't agree with them
Ah yes because parents must be always supportive when it suits despite presumably him wanting support during the break ups and change her mindset at whim depending on hos views. Because she lost all human emotion when she became a parent and lives only to serve him and his whims.

That logic is ridiculous.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:11

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

Root, you do realise all this comes down to the money, op doesn't mention happiness or anything... Just his friends and loose life... And his job....

All of that becomes pretty shallow if you can't share with anyone..

Presumably those are the things that make him happy?

Maybe OP doesn't feel that moving two hours away with someone he's split up with several times with two kids who he has confided in her about will make him happy?

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:11

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

All op needs to say is, don't do it if it doesn't feel right.

That's all.

Good advice. That's all there is to it. Step back and let him decide
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:11

@thenewduchessofhastings

Can't we tell your going to be a thorn in what is effectively going to be your daughter in laws side.

Maybe he should ditch her and find someone local with no kids and a full time job;oh wait that's what you want because you're snotty and judgmental.

God forbid a single mum should dare to date someone with no kids right?

Imagine a single mum prioritising her children by keeping them in the area where they go to school and are near their family.I'm sooooo shocked that a single might only be able to work part time around her children;she sounds so awful 🙄🙄🙄

You need to give your head a massive wobble;you could actually have a lovely relationship with her and her children but you've already judged her and past sentence haven't you?

It's nothing to do with the children. Easy emotive card to play but not based in reality.
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2021 21:12

@saraclara no, she earns 10k a year.

Sounds like if he stands his ground she will announce a "surprise" pregnancy to force his hand. I have a 30 year old son and I would feel the same as you if he was in this situation. He had an ex that wanted to get engaged, he wasnt sure. She said if he wouldnt marry her then he would leave. Which I get, she wanted marriage and said that she would find a man who also did if my son didnt. Except that he saved hard, bought her a very expensive ring and within a month of the engagement she fucked him off and kept the ring.

As for what you can do.....nothing. As I learned. Just make it clear that you will be there for him when (and it is a when) it all goes south. She sees him as a meal ticket. I would see if you can persuade him to have a percentage agreement on the house purchase.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:12

@AStudyinPink

MN is all about airing how we feel about things. She has as much right as anyone else.

We weren’t talking about airing things on here, though. We were talking about intervening with her son to change his intended course of action.

Like what?

I imagine OP knows there is nothing she can realistically do.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 21:13

@thenewduchessofhastings

Can't we tell your going to be a thorn in what is effectively going to be your daughter in laws side.

Maybe he should ditch her and find someone local with no kids and a full time job;oh wait that's what you want because you're snotty and judgmental.

God forbid a single mum should dare to date someone with no kids right?

Imagine a single mum prioritising her children by keeping them in the area where they go to school and are near their family.I'm sooooo shocked that a single might only be able to work part time around her children;she sounds so awful 🙄🙄🙄

You need to give your head a massive wobble;you could actually have a lovely relationship with her and her children but you've already judged her and past sentence haven't you?

This is practically a 1.5 year old relationship that has broken up multiple times because the girlfriend wants the guy to move with him. He is supposed to leave his area to move with her and share a house 50/50 with her no matter how small her own contribution may be. She already wants children with a man who she had to give an ultimatum to live him so he is unwilling otherwise.,He is also expected to do all this without having lived her for a day in his life. This will be called text book emotional abuse of it was posted about a man. What double standards!
VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 21:13

She's mena to be supportive in his choices even if she doesn't agree with them

Ludicrous. It’s like the MN mantra that your husband should always support you even when you’re blatantly in the wrong. Just bollocks.