Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 20:53

I am not from the boomers either and have worked bloody hard throughout my adult life. So I definitely understand why OP is concerned for her son’s hard work. There are far too many red flags here.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:53

Insolvent. 😂 Watch, next she’ll be a cam girl.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/02/2021 20:53

@caringcarer

Makes sense for him to buy house alone (just his name on deeds) and let gf and kids live with him rent free. Suggest this to him then let him make his own choices. Just be nice to his gf kids.
This is a good idea. Or rent out his present house, rent for a while and see how living together goes. It may be the best thing he's ever done or he might find the reality of living with two children not so great. You can't tell him what to do but advise him to take tiny steps at a time. I totally understand your concerns @myson123 I still worry about my DC who are older than yours. As someone said early on, just always be there to support him.
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 20:53

'' baggage '' is human, 2 children whom maybe ops son already feels close too and who enrich his life.
Usually women who feel like op prefer to raise lap dogs who are can't say no, I assume ops son can say no. This is a good ultimatum. He can choose.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:54

@AStudyinPink

I don't think he does. Spontaneous is an utterly bizarre word for a woman to use about her son. It's not come from her.

Oh right. Hmm

Do you know anyone who would be worried about their son not being able to be spontaneous anymore?

My mother would be bloody thrilled if I gave up my bachelorette lifestyle. But then I'm a woman and so is she so her endless attempts to encourage me tied down even when it was blatant we wer not compatible would be perfectly supported by MN.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:55

@AStudyinPink

She is having to swallow her perfectly valid concerns and fears, because why? Because we say so? Because he's 29?

Not because we say so, no. But because her son is a grown up independent adult who can decide what in life is going to make him happy without reference to mummy? Yes.

Of course he can.

But in what world can a parent or a friend or anyone who cares about them not air their concerns and fears?

What a weird, sad world it would be if people didn't.

WildHorsesRunInMe · 14/02/2021 20:55

@DawnR96

Whilst I understand your concern, I don't think we ever stop worrying about our children despite their age but he is a grown man. He needs to make his own decisions. Just be there for him and help him if he needs it but I think it's definitely his own business whether he decides to move or not regardless of the consequences
Absolutlely agree.
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:55

Interesting that OP is close enough to her son to know the girlfriends bank balance, yet shouldn't be allowed an opinion.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 20:56

@AStudyinPink

She is having to swallow her perfectly valid concerns and fears, because why? Because we say so? Because he's 29?

Not because we say so, no. But because her son is a grown up independent adult who can decide what in life is going to make him happy without reference to mummy? Yes.

Again, a lot of people here will give exactly the opposite advice to a woman in this situation.
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:56

But in what world can a parent or a friend or anyone who cares about them not air their concerns and fears?

She can air her concerns if she likes. But given what this sounds like is “This is a local son for local people”, I imagine he’ll give her short shrift.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:57

Of course they would.

AIBU? My partner wants me to move 2 hours away from my friends and family , to life with his two children. He wants me to put more money into the house than him, and says he will end the relationship if I don't go. I love him. We've been together two years on and off. My mum is concerned about this. She just needs to butt out , right?

Eh, no.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 20:58

@RootyT00t

Interesting that OP is close enough to her son to know the girlfriends bank balance, yet shouldn't be allowed an opinion.
She's allowed her opinion. But that's all it is. It's not her life.
Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 20:58

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

'' baggage '' is human, 2 children whom maybe ops son already feels close too and who enrich his life. Usually women who feel like op prefer to raise lap dogs who are can't say no, I assume ops son can say no. This is a good ultimatum. He can choose.
Do get a life. What a bully you are being!
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:58

@AStudyinPink

But in what world can a parent or a friend or anyone who cares about them not air their concerns and fears?

She can air her concerns if she likes. But given what this sounds like is “This is a local son for local people”, I imagine he’ll give her short shrift.

Do you honestly think a son who has told her about his girlfriend's financial details, his splits and her being controlling doesn't know how his mother feels about it?
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 20:58

And why the heck is he discussing her bank balance with his mum anyway?

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 20:59

I'd like to know what she should be earning and how much and what job would make op happy.

I know plenty of 40 plus who would have liked a family and settled down but who are single.

Op clearly doesn't trust her son at all.. Would she be prefer to arrange a match for him? Even if it consigned him to a life of lonely misery....

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:59

@Silenceisgolden20 that's all she has. She hasn't done anything except air her valid fears.

I personally couldn't give a shit one way or the other re the move but I don't feel the absolute pile on OP is any way fair.

Annabell80 · 14/02/2021 21:00

You are way too involved. If I was this woman I would want him to move away too, as I can imagine she will never live up to your expectations and any issues between her and your son will be her fault (in your eyes).
He's 29 and you are so involved you know his friends, how much he earns, all about his relationship. I mean are you ever planning on letting him run his own life?
He needs to cut the apron strings too.
Unfortunately I see this relationship failing because you will be dripping posion in his ear and instead of talking problems through with his partner he'll keep running to you.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:00

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

I'd like to know what she should be earning and how much and what job would make op happy.

I know plenty of 40 plus who would have liked a family and settled down but who are single.

Op clearly doesn't trust her son at all.. Would she be prefer to arrange a match for him? Even if it consigned him to a life of lonely misery....

There is nothing at all to say that PP doesn't trust her son or wants to matchmake herself.
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 21:01

Do you honestly think a son who has told her about his girlfriend's financial details, his splits and her being controlling doesn't know how his mother feels about it?

In which case there appears no need for her to air anything.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 21:01

How many posters on here, 1st marriage really feel content because their bank balance and job matches their spouse? Because neither dh nor I could give a crap?!

It's the most dreadful materialistic rubbish I've seen spouted for a long time.. I honestly can't imagine lying down next to dh sighing with pleasure, not because he's beautiful and loves me and I love him and adore him.... But because his bank balance matches mine.

I can't get my head around it.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:01

@Annabell80

You are way too involved. If I was this woman I would want him to move away too, as I can imagine she will never live up to your expectations and any issues between her and your son will be her fault (in your eyes). He's 29 and you are so involved you know his friends, how much he earns, all about his relationship. I mean are you ever planning on letting him run his own life? He needs to cut the apron strings too. Unfortunately I see this relationship failing because you will be dripping posion in his ear and instead of talking problems through with his partner he'll keep running to you.
OP hasn't got mind reading skills by osmosis. I also presume she hasn't got a torture chamber. Her son is telling her these details. 'his life, his choice' , or does that only apply when he's doing things that don't concern OP?
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 21:02

[quote RootyT00t]@Silenceisgolden20 that's all she has. She hasn't done anything except air her valid fears.

I personally couldn't give a shit one way or the other re the move but I don't feel the absolute pile on OP is any way fair.[/quote]
But they are HER fears.
Let her son live his life.
Whatever he does even if she sees it as a mistake. It's his mistake to make.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 21:02

@AStudyinPink

Do you honestly think a son who has told her about his girlfriend's financial details, his splits and her being controlling doesn't know how his mother feels about it?

In which case there appears no need for her to air anything.

Oh behave.

MN is all about airing how we feel about things. She has as much right as anyone else.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 21:03

@Silenceisgolden20

And why the heck is he discussing her bank balance with his mum anyway?
This guy has lots of concerns regarding this move hence the multiple break ups. He does need to discuss this with someone. How unnatural it is that people want him to have no one to turn to in his own family. What a sad thing that would be if my mother or father didn’t give me any advice if I shared personal matters with them.
Swipe left for the next trending thread