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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:

MirandaGoshawk · 14/02/2021 20:43

I also can understand why she wants him to commit or split up. He should give it a go. Your job is to smile sweetly.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:43

It seems to me the responses on this thread are, understandably, split generationally with younger posters identifying with the girlfriend and older ones seeing OP’s point of view.

Did everyone state their age and I missed it?

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 20:44

Yup @RootyT00t
They have broken up many times so this guy is not all that happy and ready for the love of his life even before he has lived with her a day.
She is already planning to have children with him even though they have not even moved in together yet. And she wants 50/50on an asset that is not hers.
Then she is also not willing to move from her area either which is fine if all of the above wasn’t true.
So overall, this does not paint a picture of true love to me at all.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:44

@VinylDetective

It seems to me the responses on this thread are, understandably, split generationally with younger posters identifying with the girlfriend and older ones seeing OP’s point of view.

I do think that those castigating OP who maintain they’d be saying the same if the person in the son’s situation was a woman are being less than honest.

I'm younger and on board with OP.

And I agree entirely with your second point.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:44

@Caketroubles

Yup *@RootyT00t* They have broken up many times so this guy is not all that happy and ready for the love of his life even before he has lived with her a day. She is already planning to have children with him even though they have not even moved in together yet. And she wants 50/50on an asset that is not hers. Then she is also not willing to move from her area either which is fine if all of the above wasn’t true. So overall, this does not paint a picture of true love to me at all.

I completely agree.

Baffled why this is all being laid on OP. I can't find anything unreasonable.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:45

@MirandaGoshawk

I also can understand why she wants him to commit or split up. He should give it a go. Your job is to smile sweetly.

Ooft.

Day in day out on these threads there are people complaining about society's views that women should just put up and shut up and keep their mouths closed , except , it appears, when it comes to the isolated situation of a son and a potential girlfriend, in which case they can do as they like and the mother can say absolutely jack shit b

MirandaGoshawk · 14/02/2021 20:45

@VinylDetective

It seems to me the responses on this thread are, understandably, split generationally with younger posters identifying with the girlfriend and older ones seeing OP’s point of view.

I do think that those castigating OP who maintain they’d be saying the same if the person in the son’s situation was a woman are being less than honest.

How on earth do you know how old we are? I'm an oldie and you can see from my response above that I think the OP should butt out.

MrBullinaChinaShop · 14/02/2021 20:46

@VinylDetective

It seems to me the responses on this thread are, understandably, split generationally with younger posters identifying with the girlfriend and older ones seeing OP’s point of view.

I do think that those castigating OP who maintain they’d be saying the same if the person in the son’s situation was a woman are being less than honest.

I didn’t mention my age in my response

jimmyjammy001 · 14/02/2021 20:47

@titchy

Where has OP said they're looking to buy as joint tenants with equal ownership? He is going to rent with her first which is good, and maybe when they do buy it'll be as tenants in common with his share protected

OP - he's 29 FFS. Time he grew up and stopped living his spontaneous (I presume you mean carefree and irresponsible, like a late teen/early 20s?) life safely closeted in the world he has inhabited all his life.

Sounds to me like he has the perfect life that he has worked so hard for, nice house, good career, close friends circle and he's going to throw all that away for someone who hasn't and will have to make alot of sacrifices. Why would someone want to throw away a spontaneous and carefree lifestyle no matter what age (can't see how it's irresponsible) to get tied down with someone else's baggage?!

DawnR96 · 14/02/2021 20:47

Whilst I understand your concern, I don't think we ever stop worrying about our children despite their age but he is a grown man. He needs to make his own decisions. Just be there for him and help him if he needs it but I think it's definitely his own business whether he decides to move or not regardless of the consequences

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:47

women should just put up and shut up and keep their mouths closed , except , it appears, when it comes to the isolated situation of a son and a potential girlfriend, in which case they can do as they like and the mother can say absolutely jack shit

But she isn’t having to put up with anything. It’s not her life, it’s his.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 20:48

Isolated situation of a son???
It's 2 hours. He's 29.
Jesus.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 20:48

Op you say she's controlled him but then by his open admission you say how much he loves her.

At what age would you like him to settle down?
Have you raised a shallow son, is he literally just in love with how she looks? Is he ugly your son... Do you feel he thinks he is punching above his weight? Do you secretly feel he is punching above his weight? Looks wise...

What figure have you set on her earnings?

As an aside ironically when I met my dh I was in a bad way financially through no fault of my own... Now the tables have turned and for this moment in time I'm in a stronger financial position...

How many mothers of sons feel exactly the same way as you, the only difference is, this one already has 2 dc.

Is she supposed to just live her life and let your son lead 2 lives? Using her sexually, enjoying her beauty and ready made family but then come back to mum and his pals...

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:48

Why would someone want to throw away a spontaneous and carefree lifestyle no matter what age (can't see how it's irresponsible) to get tied down with someone else's baggage?!

I don’t know. It’s not for us to say why he feels the way he does. The heart wants what it wants.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 20:49

@AStudyinPink

How can you be in a stable relationship with anyone through this pandemic if they live two hours away? It’s much more difficult. So it’s actually 1.5 year really.

So if your partner is in the Armed Forces or works on a rig or on the International Space Station, you’re not really together?

Did op mention this was the case? We are discussing this case, not all the other situations in the rest of the world.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:49

@AStudyinPink

But she isn’t having to put up with anything. It’s not her life, it’s his.

She is having to swallow her perfectly valid concerns and fears, because why? Because we say so? Because he's 29?

Again, if OP had a daughter and this woman was the man this would be a completely different thread. There is such a stigma against MILs with sons on here.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 20:50

Maybe he sees it as a family rather than baggage.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:50

@AStudyinPink

Why would someone want to throw away a spontaneous and carefree lifestyle no matter what age (can't see how it's irresponsible) to get tied down with someone else's baggage?!

I don’t know. It’s not for us to say why he feels the way he does. The heart wants what it wants.

I don't think he does.

Spontaneous is an utterly bizarre word for a woman to use about her son. It's not come from her.

Gilly12345 · 14/02/2021 20:50

I would suggest a pre nup, the woman of course won’t like it but your son needs to protect his assets as he has so much to loose.

The woman knows which side her bread is buttered and sounds like a right gold digga.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:51

@Silenceisgolden20

Maybe he sees it as a family rather than baggage.

So much so that they've split up every time it's discussed and he still hasn't gone, and is only doing it now because she will dump him otherwise.

I don't think this move will happen in a million years.

Diverseopinions · 14/02/2021 20:51

I think that OP feels that her son is not worldly-wise and mature. You can be very clever at your job and not very savvy. If he is still basing his life very closely connected to his family and old school friends, perhaps he doesn't have a great deal of life experience, self-determination and hasn't branched out because to do so doesn't go with his personality. He has maybe been persuaded to buy a house because it's the sensible thing to do, but doesn't inhabit that agency to make lots of future plans.

We as readers can't really know. But on some level, OP mum doesn't feel her son is emotionally ready for all of this commitment with children and more children - maybe four in all, in a few years. It comes across that she doesn't think he knows what fatherhood is all about. She doesn't think he can adjust smoothly to taking on and working flexibly with new responsibilities.

It's bothersome that his response, in the past to having pressure and demands put upon him has been to finish the relationship, not to find a proactive and conciliatory way through the impasse, or to suggest other compromises. He seems to have been saying: " I like the idea of love and family, but I'm not ready for it yet. Go away you're scaring me." Then: "You're really pretty, and I like being around you when I'm not working and seeing my mates. Let's give it another go, then." She know she can't push him straight away, and starts up all up again slowly, until she decides, when softly softly isn't working, to issue the shock ultimatum.

I think OP's concerns are possibly about nebulous things she can't evidence. But as posters have said, if another baby or two come along, it's hardly going to matter who put more money into the house, as a stable home and support for those four children will be what matters: their welfare, which is as it should be. As long as he finds it easy to be a patient, kind and loving husband and father, all should be well.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:51

I don't think he does. Spontaneous is an utterly bizarre word for a woman to use about her son. It's not come from her.

Oh right.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 20:51

No because he's a grown man and it's non of her business how he lives his life.

saraclara · 14/02/2021 20:51

@IrmaFayLear

I’m almost tempted to start a thread saying I’m worried about my dd considering moving in with an insolvent single dad of two...

She's not insolvent. And she has £10,000 in savings.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:52

She is having to swallow her perfectly valid concerns and fears, because why? Because we say so? Because he's 29?

Not because we say so, no. But because her son is a grown up independent adult who can decide what in life is going to make him happy without reference to mummy? Yes.

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