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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
MerryChristmasToYou · 14/02/2021 20:31

@randomer, 2 hours is doable in a day. Its not Australia.

It's doable in a day but you probably wouldn't want to do it frequently.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:32

@Icantrememebrtheartist

OP If this thread had been posted by a single woman with a great career and good income dating a single dad of two who has a tiny income and ends the relationship when she says she’s not ready to move in with him and he’s trying to convince her to sell her house, buy another and put him on the mortgage/deeds with an equal split even though she will be paying most of it, Everyone would say this relationship has red flags all over it!

I have a son and daughters and my advice would be the same for all three. Move in together, rent your house out DON’T sell it, don’t rush in to having a baby, see how it goes, see how you get on, 2 years together really isn’t that long, and after a year or so if things are going well make plans.

As I mentioned upthread, I would be uncomfortable with the on/off nature of their relationship but I would also be concerned with her pressuring him to sell his house and provide her with financial security when she is contributing so little money to the relationship. Huge red flag for me.

Obviously you can’t tell your son what to do but you can advise him and give him the benefit of your wisdom.

If they move in together and they’re happy that’s wonderful.

Agreed
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:32

@LaceyBetty

I just don't think that moving a man two hours away where he knows absolutely nobody and asking him to put far more into your house than you are and live with you and your two children is......not how things usually go...

Then he's doesn't have to do it. She's not "moving a man" FFS.

But she is, or she's ending the relationship.
mywifi · 14/02/2021 20:33

You can stop boasting about his financial status on Mumsnet, then you can mind your own business and let him get on with it.

ClinkyMonkey · 14/02/2021 20:33

It's a long time since I was 29, but I would have been mortified if my mum had been this invested in my life decisions.

He's a grown man and has demonstrated that he can navigate life very well, with a good career and property under his belt. Despite this, you don't seem to trust him to make sound decisions. And, don't forget, no matter what you think, even if your son has confided in you, you really don't know everything about the relationship.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:33

It's doable in a day but you probably wouldn't want to do it frequently.

No, probably not. Still not exactly being “isolated” from your friends and family, though, is it? Just making a choice to do what works for the family you’re choosing to create.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:33

@randomer

2 hours is doable in a day. Its not Australia.
In a pandemic?
SnackSizeRaisin · 14/02/2021 20:35

OP you are coming across as the nightmare mother in law. Tread very carefully or you may not end up seeing much of any grandchildren. For goodness sake don't let on that you disapprove of the relationship.
Your son is old enough to make his own mistakes. You sound over invested here. It's not unreasonable for the woman to ask for some commitment from him after 2.5 years together, and your son is free to walk away if he's not ready for that. It's for them to sort out between them. As for the money side, even if the relationship ends he will still have the earning power so not the end of the world if he loses out a bit whilst supporting her.
If I was to give him any advice it would be to not have children with her too soon (doesn't sound like he's ready for that if keeps breaking up with her anyway) and keep finances separate initially - e.g. live in a rented house for 6 months before buying together.
To you I would say that even if you are 100% right and this relationship is destined for failure, you need to let your son find that out for himself. Otherwise he will resent you. And if the relationship goes well, his partner will probably never forgive you. So you can't win either way.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 20:36

There is a lot of hyperbole on this thread. People are repeatedly asking and assuming things that OP has clearly answered already.
The double standards are baffling.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:36

@SnackSizeRaisin

OP you are coming across as the nightmare mother in law. Tread very carefully or you may not end up seeing much of any grandchildren. For goodness sake don't let on that you disapprove of the relationship. Your son is old enough to make his own mistakes. You sound over invested here. It's not unreasonable for the woman to ask for some commitment from him after 2.5 years together, and your son is free to walk away if he's not ready for that. It's for them to sort out between them. As for the money side, even if the relationship ends he will still have the earning power so not the end of the world if he loses out a bit whilst supporting her. If I was to give him any advice it would be to not have children with her too soon (doesn't sound like he's ready for that if keeps breaking up with her anyway) and keep finances separate initially - e.g. live in a rented house for 6 months before buying together. To you I would say that even if you are 100% right and this relationship is destined for failure, you need to let your son find that out for himself. Otherwise he will resent you. And if the relationship goes well, his partner will probably never forgive you. So you can't win either way.
Don't let on that she disapproved to the man who told her the woman is controlling?

She is concerned. Her fears are completely and utterly valid.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 20:37

I have don't know what would be more painful, loosing the love of your life and being consigned to thinking about them and being haunted by that for the rest of your life or losing an asset and getting that back. Because money and houses are replaceable... At a young age....

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 20:38

The 2.5 years thing is not true though is it? How can you be in a stable relationship with anyone through this pandemic if they live two hours away? It’s much more difficult. So it’s actually 1.5 year really.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:38

@Caketroubles

The 2.5 years thing is not true though is it? How can you be in a stable relationship with anyone through this pandemic if they live two hours away? It’s much more difficult. So it’s actually 1.5 year really.
I said that earlier upthread and was shut down, but I agree. Especially with the on off.
3JsMa · 14/02/2021 20:39

Goodness gracious,after reading the updates on OP thread is feels more and more like letter to Agony Aunt in Victorian times.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 14/02/2021 20:39

Any concerns are valid about anything.. Taking a job, buying out of date fish... It's not for parents to constantly tell their adult dc about mistakes... Or what they think are mistakes.

It's screams... I don't trust you...

Look at Harry and William, apparently, this is the cause of their friction...

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:40

How can you be in a stable relationship with anyone through this pandemic if they live two hours away? It’s much more difficult. So it’s actually 1.5 year really.

So if your partner is in the Armed Forces or works on a rig or on the International Space Station, you’re not really together?

SimonJT · 14/02/2021 20:40

@Caketroubles

The 2.5 years thing is not true though is it? How can you be in a stable relationship with anyone through this pandemic if they live two hours away? It’s much more difficult. So it’s actually 1.5 year really.
So if someone has a partner who works away is their relationship paused when they’re away for work?
SorryPleaseTryAgain · 14/02/2021 20:41

@LolaSmiles

As a single mum who dreams of finding a new partner one day, I am finding this thread extremely depressing. Why would it be depressing? I'm guessing you wouldn't be in an on/off relationship with someone and expect to claim to 50% of a property you've not paid close to that into.

Any fair and reasonable adult would not expect a new partner to draw up a 50/50 split on a huge purchase like a house without making the equivalent contribution.

The part I find depressing is all the general comments saying things like "I really hope my children never meet a partner who already has kids".

Of course I agree with you, I would never expect that, whether I already had a child from a previous relationship or not. I am independent and support myself and my own child, I would want to be equal (as much as is possible) with a new partner.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:41

@SimonJT

OP herself has said it is on off. Given the woman lives two hours away with children, I'm not sure how much time he has reasonably spent there.

jimmyjammy001 · 14/02/2021 20:41

I would advise your son to head over to the step parents board and have a read through there so that he can let himself know what he is in for, if that dosent do the job, make sure he rents first and does not sell his house, he is obviously wrapped up in his emotions and can't see how it can not work out, living with someone else and their children will be very hard work and very rarely works out, has he had girlfriends in the past with children?! If this is a first he really dosnet know what he is letting him self in for. He's in his 20s, there are plenty of more suited on the same life page as himself females out there, just takes a bit of effort to find one, sure there will be a lots of single mums on dating sites there allways is but there are still quite a few ones without kids that are at the same stage of life as himself.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 20:42

There are far too many comments along the lines of DS needing to move in to support this woman's kids.

This is not why this should be happening.

Siepie · 14/02/2021 20:42

Two hours away (by car) is something like 100 miles. It's a lot.

I moved further than that to go to university when I was 18. There’s nothing wrong with an adult moving away from their parents.

Karmakarmachameleon · 14/02/2021 20:42

I can fully understand why OP finds this concerning. I also don’t understand why people seem to think you should stop caring about your children and their decisions from the moment they turn 18, or you’re ‘controlling’.

I can absolutely see it from OP’s son’s girlfriend’s point of view - she doesn’t want to uproot her family, and after 2 years she wants to see some commitment from OP’s son. But I can absolutely see why OP is concerned. Her son’s been unsure up until this point and is now making a huge decision with major consequences under pressure.

You can’t stop him OP, obviously, but you can help him protect himself financially. Personally I think the most sensible suggestion was on the first page. If he wants to move in with her, he can rent his place out - at least for a year or two - then if all goes well then they can buy together.

They haven’t even lived together yet. It makes sense to try living together before buying a place together.

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 20:43

It seems to me the responses on this thread are, understandably, split generationally with younger posters identifying with the girlfriend and older ones seeing OP’s point of view.

I do think that those castigating OP who maintain they’d be saying the same if the person in the son’s situation was a woman are being less than honest.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:43

He's in his 20s, there are plenty of more suited on the same life page as himself females out there, just takes a bit of effort to find one, sure there will be a lots of single mums on dating sites there allways is but there are still quite a few ones without kids that are at the same stage of life as himself.

But he loves this one.