Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 24 25 26 ··· 39 40

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:

Buccanarab · 14/02/2021 20:05

So would you be happy to see your child put their hard earned house in jeopardy @AStudyinPink?

So the OP's son should be sure to only fall for a childless, high earning woman from his home town? Why not just arrange a suitable bride for him instead and remove his free will in the matter entirely? I mean fuck love, it's all about protecting your assets by only hooking up with your fiscal equals eh?

LaceyBetty · 14/02/2021 20:06

I just don't think that moving a man two hours away where he knows absolutely nobody and asking him to put far more into your house than you are and live with you and your two children is......not how things usually go...

Then he's doesn't have to do it. She's not "moving a man" FFS.

randomer · 14/02/2021 20:06

2 hours is doable in a day. Its not Australia.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:07

I mean fuck love, it's all about protecting your assets by only hooking up with your fiscal equals eh?

This is it for some people! Imagine this young man gives up a relationship with the love of his life because she’s not earning enough?

mathanxiety · 14/02/2021 20:07

Any fair and reasonable adult would not expect a new partner to draw up a 50/50 split on a huge purchase like a house without making the equivalent contribution.

It's not a simple case of financial contribution alone when it comes to calculating the value each individual brings to the home and to the family unit.

Or are you asserting that being a 'good provider' is all that is necessary for a man?

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 20:09

@Buccanarab

So would you be happy to see your child put their hard earned house in jeopardy @AStudyinPink?

That’s what the advice would be to a woman in the same situation.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 20:13

@AStudyinPink

I mean fuck love, it's all about protecting your assets by only hooking up with your fiscal equals eh?

This is it for some people! Imagine this young man gives up a relationship with the love of his life because she’s not earning enough?

Exactly. Why are they even together in the first place? It's all known details that were there when they began dating. It's obvs serious now and they want to build a life together.

Pippa234 · 14/02/2021 20:14

She's not being unreasonable wanting her partner of 2 and a half years to move in.
Cut the apron strings he's 29 not 4.

You will drive him away from you if you portray her as the devil.

It's 2 hours away not the moon.

sassbott · 14/02/2021 20:15

Op. He’s 29. He’s not a young child, he’s an adult with substantial life experience behind him. If he’s feeling pressurised then it’s for him to find it inside himself to say ‘no, this isn’t for me.’ But he’s not doing that, he says he loves this woman and her children. And she’s the love of his life. He’s evidently gone back and forth and decided to give it his all. That’s his choice and there is nothing you can do here aside from detach and leave them be.

If it goes tits up, then it goes tits up. Equally they could be together 30 years from now. None of us (including you) have a crystal ball.
All you can do is give advice, then wish him well.

As an aside, I moved 2 hours away at 18 to go to uni and never returned to my family town (in part because of my controlling mother). Did just fine from a career/ friends perspective.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:15

It's obvs serious now and they want to build a life together.

Yes. And yes, maybe they’ll have more babies. And yes, maybe he’ll end up sharing his assets. And yes, maybe he’ll even be happy, rather than sitting there rubbing his coins together at 80 remembering when he was young and in love.

LaceyBetty · 14/02/2021 20:15

She also earns a fraction of what he does, which will mean he will be biggest contributor.

If I'd worried about that I wouldn't have my lovely DH and two amazing DCs. I can't fathom this attitude. Also, how on earth do you know so much about their lives and financial situation. Has he actually told you she wants 50/50 and how much she earn? Weird and way to involved in a 29 years old's life!

Gwegowygwiggs · 14/02/2021 20:16

I’m sorry to be blunt, but you sound like the absolutely mother in law from HELL. I will thank my lucky stars that I didn’t end up with a man who’s mother is as judgmental, controlling and overbearing as you are.

Quite frankly my dear, it’s none of your bloody business.

And I’m sorry but you’re very close to his friendship group?! Get your own life

Runmybathforme · 14/02/2021 20:16

I’d love to hear the girlfriend’s side of the story. You need to butt out of this situation and let him live his own life, you’re far too involved.

RuledbyASD · 14/02/2021 20:17

@SorryPleaseTryAgain

As a single mum who dreams of finding a new partner one day, I am finding this thread extremely depressing.

Same. I'm a single mum due to my husband dying and apparently the moment he passed away, I transformed into a gold digging, controlling hussy

woodhill · 14/02/2021 20:19

Aren't you a widow though. Sorry to hear about your dh, that must be very hard

SpeakingFranglais · 14/02/2021 20:20

silenceisgolden20 since you’re so opinionated, how much experience on this subject do you have, do share please instead of picking on other people’s responses.

What I really hate about MN is people that instead of commenting on the OP so the thread starter can make their own opinion, use the board to pick on comments of other people without offering any constructive advice or experience of their own.

Gwegowygwiggs · 14/02/2021 20:21

Also for everyone getting on their high horse about her wanting 50/50, maybe they’re planning on splitting mortgage and bills 50/50 whilst protecting their initial investment (his £50k vs her £10k). The OP hasn’t specified and let’s be honest, she probably does know. Because a) it hasn’t happened yet and b) why would she? ITS NONE OF HER BUSINESS.

Also we are talking about a salary of £50k here,
Not £500k. £50k is modest, it’s not going to buy them a 7 bedroom mansion that she can then claim half of. Some of the comments on here are absolutely buffoonery

Partygirl2021 · 14/02/2021 20:21

Do not turn into my ex MIL who controlled my exH to every inch of his life (including managing our joint bank account without my knowledge). For this reason (and I know my experience was extreme) but I will never trust a man who seems to be too involved with his mother or answers her phone calls before mine. Please back off or you will ruin any relationship with your future DIL. It’s your son’s life, not yours, and if he makes mistakes that’s for his learning and for you to support him. I beg you to stop interfering.

mathanxiety · 14/02/2021 20:24

The 2 hours is not the problem part. It is more to do with compromise.

No, it's about the fact that she has children and the fact that they are both enrolled in school, with friends, extracurriculars, etc. Do you think it makes sense for the two children to be uprooted? Or how about a grown adult compromising and putting the children first?

She wants 50/50 but only earns 1/5 of the income

She works part time and would very likely be the one maintaining the house and garden, and thus contributing to its rise in value as an asset.

She wants him to live in his [sic] parents area where she would get to see them regularly. How do we know that her parents aren't controlling? That is why it is best to move away from all in laws. Why is she not willing to move 1 hr distance both of them it is fairer, they both get to see their family more if they wanted and it is called being fair and not expecting someone to just move to the middle of nowhere when you can remain with your family in the same place.

It is not being fair if the two children are treated as if they are household pets. You are asserting based on speculation about controlling parents (I won't bother with the silly 'middle of nowhere' nonsense) that the interest of three of the individuals (GF and her two children) in maintaining continuity in their lives be thrown under the bus.

As a single mother who has no contact with the father of the children, this women has probably relied a lot on her parents' support and the children very likely have a relationship with them that is strong. You are asking that the children move half way between the grandparents despite the obvious hostility toward the GF and toward the children on the part of the OP. You are asking this woman to ditch her support system and place herself and her children closer to a woman who looks down her nose at them and disapproves of her son's relationship with them. How is this fair to the children?

Can the GF get a job that works around school hours an hour away from where she lives now? Does she have a car she can use to get to and from her job if she keeps her current job? Can she make friends? Can she find support with the children?

This woman stands to face a lot more problems than the son does, an hour from where she lives now, if this all goes tits up and her man does his usual splitting up routine when things get tough between them. She will be left with sole custody of her two existing children, in a new area, away from her family and support system and unable to rely on the hostile OP for any help.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 14/02/2021 20:24

OP If this thread had been posted by a single woman with a great career and good income dating a single dad of two who has a tiny income and ends the relationship when she says she’s not ready to move in with him and he’s trying to convince her to sell her house, buy another and put him on the mortgage/deeds with an equal split even though she will be paying most of it, Everyone would say this relationship has red flags all over it!

I have a son and daughters and my advice would be the same for all three. Move in together, rent your house out DON’T sell it, don’t rush in to having a baby, see how it goes, see how you get on, 2 years together really isn’t that long, and after a year or so if things are going well make plans.

As I mentioned upthread, I would be uncomfortable with the on/off nature of their relationship but I would also be concerned with her pressuring him to sell his house and provide her with financial security when she is contributing so little money to the relationship. Huge red flag for me.

Obviously you can’t tell your son what to do but you can advise him and give him the benefit of your wisdom.

If they move in together and they’re happy that’s wonderful.

Skysblue · 14/02/2021 20:25

Sorry people have been so rude to you OP.

I think there’s two issues here.

He’s moving in with his girlfriend despite the fact that their relationship has been unstable and he doesn’t seem to particularly want to. On this, there is little you can do except offer support if needed. It’s upsetting for his family and friends that he’s leaving such a great situation near you all, but you have to remeber that HE is choosing to do that. He’s choosing his future with her over his past, and that’s up to him - perhaps even healthy: most people do it. If it goes wrong, all you can do is be there for him.

He’s buying a house with his girlfriend who wants to own it jointly despite not having a joint deposit. There are various fixes for this; a joint tenancy in different proportions, or a document making his extra part of the deposit a loan, etc. I can see that if this is basically a marital home then she doesn’t want to feel she’s living in ‘his’ house, she wants it to be equal to reflect the equal partnership. Bit awkward but any decent lawyer can sort this out.

Hope it goes well for them xx

Crayfishforyou · 14/02/2021 20:26

Maybe she doesn’t want to uproot her children from their friends, family and school for someone who’s taken over 2 years to commit to anything and whose mother wants him to continue his spontaneous lifestyle.
She’s putting her children first, that is a good thing.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:26

After a month or 6 months, I probably would see it as a red flag. After 2+ years I’d say, “Good on him. He knows what he wants.”

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 20:29

@SpeakingFranglais

silenceisgolden20 since you’re so opinionated, how much experience on this subject do you have, do share please instead of picking on other people’s responses.

Er what? Yes I have. I said the OP needs to step back and let him make his own decisions. And I can use mumsnet how I like and I have my own opinion like everyone else does. And yes I can comment on those opinions as you have on mine

So wind your neck in and stop telling him what can and can't write.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 20:31

Sorry, what I can and can't write.

It's a forum
People are allowed to respond to other posters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 24 25 26 ··· 39 40