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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Seedandyarn · 14/02/2021 19:51

Come on just be honest you simply don't think she's good enough for your son, she's poorer and a single mum and your prejudices mean she isn't worthy. They could date for 5 years and it still not be long enough for you.

You want him to meet a 'nice' girl from the same background with no baggage so you can brag about your perfect boy doing it the right way.

FLYINGAWAY1929292 · 14/02/2021 19:51

Also that is how abuse can start. The man/woman asks you to move far from your friends/families. Ask for unreasonable stuff like being 50/50 deeds when discussed earlier it is not right when earning 1/5.

And what happens when the person wants to leave? Financially they might not be able to. Because you have to give away more than someone deserves.

I have seen many stories like this (mostly happening to women) but of course men can also suffer.

It is a very hard situation. I wish you the best but your adult son has to realize it first.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:52

Asking for 50/50 when you earn a fifth of someone is never right. It is financial abuse.

It is nothing of the sort. He isn’t being coerced. He can just decline.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:52

I just don't think that moving a man two hours away where he knows absolutely nobody and asking him to put far more into your house than you are and live with you and your two children is......not how things usually go , and I understand both son and OPs concerns.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 19:53

Also that is how abuse can start. The man/woman asks you to move far from your friends/families. Ask for unreasonable stuff like being 50/50 deeds when discussed earlier it is not right when earning 1/5.
This with bells on^

Cameleongirl · 14/02/2021 19:53

Re. Getting pregnant quickly once he moves in.
If she was really scheming to try and get him to commit/ get money out of him, she could have deliberately got pregnant already, they’ve been together 2.5 years after all.

She hasn’t done that, she’s laid her cards on the table and told him she wants to commit to a LTR and future together. I think that’s a good sign.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:54

@Cameleongirl

Re. Getting pregnant quickly once he moves in. If she was really scheming to try and get him to commit/ get money out of him, she could have deliberately got pregnant already, they’ve been together 2.5 years after all.

She hasn’t done that, she’s laid her cards on the table and told him she wants to commit to a LTR and future together. I think that’s a good sign.

When she lives two hours away in a pandemic. I'd be interested to hear from OP how often he has seen her in the last year.
Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 19:55

@AStudyinPink

Asking for 50/50 when you earn a fifth of someone is never right. It is financial abuse.

It is nothing of the sort. He isn’t being coerced. He can just decline.

It will absolutely be called financial abuse of OP had posted this for a daughter, not a son. She will be told to LTB within ten posts.
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:55

I don't think you're reading my posts right at all. What I'm saying is, OP is doing NOTHING which is controlling. No controlling behaviour whatsoever. She has come on to ask advice about something she is concerned about , is all.

She has come on to ask how she can prevent her adult son making his own legitimate choices. I call that controlling.

Setting conditions on a relationship in the manner she has, is controlling.

No it isn’t. It’s articulating what she is prepared to accept. No coercion or control. He isn’t owed a relationship with her. He can decline and go and form a different relationship with a woman who is happy to accept a lesser commitment. What he can’t do is have a relationship with her without commitment, because she doesn’t want that. That’s her prerogative, not to control him but herself and her own life.

FLYINGAWAY1929292 · 14/02/2021 19:56

@Cameleongirl

Re. Getting pregnant quickly once he moves in. If she was really scheming to try and get him to commit/ get money out of him, she could have deliberately got pregnant already, they’ve been together 2.5 years after all.

She hasn’t done that, she’s laid her cards on the table and told him she wants to commit to a LTR and future together. I think that’s a good sign.

Which is well and nice. But she also has to compromise. Moving a guy to the middle of nowhere he knows no one 2 hours away is not reasonable when she gets to be near her family still. It would be best for them to leave 1 hr distance away from both in laws and start a new life if that is what they want. And as people said before, expecting to be on the deeds 50/50 when she earns 1/5 of his income red flags are already showing.
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:56

I just don't think that moving a man two hours away where he knows absolutely nobody and asking him to put far more into your house than you are and live with you and your two children is......not how things usually go...

The infantilisation of a 30 year old free agent here is mind-boggling. She isn’t “moving” him. He doesn’t have to do anything.

Cameleongirl · 14/02/2021 19:56

As for moving away from family and friends...it’s only two hours away and he works between the two locations. Hardly a massive move. Confused

LolaSmiles · 14/02/2021 19:57

As a single mum who dreams of finding a new partner one day, I am finding this thread extremely depressing.
Why would it be depressing? I'm guessing you wouldn't be in an on/off relationship with someone and expect to claim to 50% of a property you've not paid close to that into.

Any fair and reasonable adult would not expect a new partner to draw up a 50/50 split on a huge purchase like a house without making the equivalent contribution.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:57

It will absolutely be called financial abuse of OP had posted this for a daughter, not a son. She will be told to LTB within ten posts.

Not by me.

mathanxiety · 14/02/2021 19:59

He has a car?

Two hours away is 'far from your family'? Hmm

This is getting a bit silly now.

He has a mind of his own and the income to empower him.

Frankly, speaking as a divorced former SAHM, the concerns about this man strike me as whatabouttery.

MerryChristmasToYou · 14/02/2021 19:59

@Cameleongirl

As for moving away from family and friends...it’s only two hours away and he works between the two locations. Hardly a massive move. Confused
Two hours away (by car) is something like 100 miles. It's a lot.
woodhill · 14/02/2021 20:00

@myson123

I'm not happy with the entire thing if I am honest. I would never have chosen for him to be with a woman that already has 2 children. He is making his life unnecessarily stressful. I know this won't make me popular, but I doubt many mothers would really want their son to settle down with a woman who already has multiple children. He will also be far enough away that he cannot have the support of his family and friends through this stressful time.

She also earns a fraction of what he does, which will mean he will be biggest contributor. As well as this, he is looking to sell his house and put her on 50% of the deeds. I've mentioned renting, but he doesn't want to as they will be spending the majority of their wages on rent/bills etc! And he is also looking to have more children with her soon. All of this is ringing massive alarm bells to not only me, but the rest of our family too. I can't see it ending in any sort of positive way.

Does she own a property, where does she live now ( I mean accommodation wise)?
Sometimeswinning · 14/02/2021 20:00

How many men are left as lower earners and are single parents? Sorry I'm kind of with her. He makes more money, shes invested 2 years with him, he's met her children and a has trouble with commitment.

Cameleongirl · 14/02/2021 20:01

That’s ridiculous. I live 3000 miles from my home town in my DH’s home country. Strangely, I’ve been quite capable of adjusting and making new friends, while still keeping in touch with my childhood friends through WhatsApp.

This man wouldn’t even be changing jobs!

FLYINGAWAY1929292 · 14/02/2021 20:02

@mathanxiety

He has a car?

Two hours away is 'far from your family'? Hmm

This is getting a bit silly now.

He has a mind of his own and the income to empower him.

Frankly, speaking as a divorced former SAHM, the concerns about this man strike me as whatabouttery.

The 2 hours is not the problem part. It is more to do with compromise.

She wants 50/50 but only earns 1/5 of the income

She wants him to live in his parents area where she would get to see them regularly. How do we know that her parents aren't controlling? That is why it is best to move away from all in laws. Why is she not willing to move 1 hr distance both of them it is fairer, they both get to see their family more if they wanted and it is called being fair and not expecting someone to just move to the middle of nowhere when you can remain with your family in the same place.

RuledbyASD · 14/02/2021 20:02

@myson123

I'm not happy with the entire thing if I am honest. I would never have chosen for him to be with a woman that already has 2 children. He is making his life unnecessarily stressful. I know this won't make me popular, but I doubt many mothers would really want their son to settle down with a woman who already has multiple children. He will also be far enough away that he cannot have the support of his family and friends through this stressful time.

She also earns a fraction of what he does, which will mean he will be biggest contributor. As well as this, he is looking to sell his house and put her on 50% of the deeds. I've mentioned renting, but he doesn't want to as they will be spending the majority of their wages on rent/bills etc! And he is also looking to have more children with her soon. All of this is ringing massive alarm bells to not only me, but the rest of our family too. I can't see it ending in any sort of positive way.

I would never have chosen for him to be with a woman that already has 2 children

Newsflash: You do not get to 'choose' who he ends up with

HTH

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 20:02

Two hours away (by car) is something like 100 miles. It's a lot.

It’s absolutely 100% normal for working age adults to move cities to settle down. What isn’t quite as normal is to leave an adult relationship with someone you love and want babies with so you can stay within 10 miles of your mum.

QualityRoads · 14/02/2021 20:03

You are way too involved and deep down you know it. He's an adult, free to make his own decisions. Why haven't you come back to defend your position?

MrBullinaChinaShop · 14/02/2021 20:04

If they go on to have children together then the fact that she earns less than him and will have put less money into the house becomes rather irrelevant, doesn’t it? Any financial split will be done in the best interests of their children.

Cailinrua1979 · 14/02/2021 20:04

@draughtycatflap

Pamelaaarr!
😂