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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
Souther · 14/02/2021 19:36

If he does want to sell he needs to ensure his share.pf the house Is protected. I think you can talk to an accountant to arrange this.
Unfortunately he is an adult now so he needs to learn from experience.
I can understand your fears. I think he needs to be careful and maybe love together for a while before deciding on any children. Because once they have a child then he even if they were to split he will have to pay child maintenance for years.
This means he needs to ensure he is wearing a condom. And live together for at least 9 months.
But obviously hes an adult and he can do what he wants.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 19:37

@AStudyinPink

As a woman myself, I can’t imagine how I would expect a man to marry me, put me as equal on a house bought BEFORE we even moved in together and plan to have children with him while I am earning five times less than him.

Maybe some people are less money-focused than you.

It’s easy to say that if it’s not your DC who has worked really hard to get to this point in life at a great age. Sorry but OP has the right to be concerned and has received great advice here. Her son can’t ring fence his assets if he moves in this way. It will be painful to watch for OP or any parent really when about half of all marriages end up in divorce and this girlfriend is already demanding 50/50, so I would say that a lot of her focus appears to be indeed on money.
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 19:37

Why are men treated like infants that cant make their own decisions?
He can say no.

Catflapkitkat · 14/02/2021 19:39

I feel you are getting a hard time on here OP. He may be 29 but you are still his mother. He has successfull career, a great friendship group and his own house. If that isn't aprons strings already cut I don't know what is. I don't see anything controlling in your post. You haven't said you will go NC, you haven't threatened to disinherit him. You are concerned he is moving because he doesn't want to loose her and it will end it tears and a financial mess. I get it.

I think the suggestions upthread of renting his place out and using any left over income on it (if there is any) to rent somewhere bigger near her makes sense. Suggest it terms of who knows how the property market will be after Covid.

Fingers crossed it will all work out.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 19:39

I think a lot of people are missing the point that the girlfriend is expecting a 50/50 share despite bribing in five times less than him. This is the red flag here.

DaphneduM · 14/02/2021 19:40

You need to tread very carefully here or you will end us losing your son. You sound rather judgemental about this girl and holding her at arm's length rather than accepting her as your son's partner and building a relationship with her and her children. I suffered from this judgement from my in-laws at the beginning - they made assumptions about me based on only their prejudices. I was a divorced mum of one, working and with assets equal to my those of my new husband. Some of my assets were inherited from my family. I was not some gold-digger. I was not made welcome into their family at the beginning. My father-in-law spent the next twenty odd years grovelling and eating humble pie for getting it so wrong. As for my husband being a step-dad, yes he is - he walked my daughter down the isle and is now the proud grandfather of our beautiful grandson, who is the light of his life. It's 2021, there are all sorts of families out there. Be careful and be respectful of your son's life choices.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:40

It’s easy to say that if it’s not your DC who has worked really hard to get to this point in life at a great age. Sorry but OP has the right to be concerned and has received great advice here. Her son can’t ring fence his assets if he moves in this way. It will be painful to watch for OP or any parent really when about half of all marriages end up in divorce and this girlfriend is already demanding 50/50, so I would say that a lot of her focus appears to be indeed on money.

Good parents don’t try to control their adult children’s decision-making. She can be concerned if she likes.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:42

@AStudyinPink

It’s easy to say that if it’s not your DC who has worked really hard to get to this point in life at a great age. Sorry but OP has the right to be concerned and has received great advice here. Her son can’t ring fence his assets if he moves in this way. It will be painful to watch for OP or any parent really when about half of all marriages end up in divorce and this girlfriend is already demanding 50/50, so I would say that a lot of her focus appears to be indeed on money.

Good parents don’t try to control their adult children’s decision-making. She can be concerned if she likes.

She isn't controlling anything.
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:43

I think a lot of people are missing the point that the girlfriend is expecting a 50/50 share despite bribing in five times less than him. This is the red flag here.

I think “red flag” is very overused. She wants to form a family with the OP’s son. In families, assets are shared. She appears to know what she wants and to be serious about creating a complicated situation for herself. The bottom line is, he’s an independent, functioning grown up and can decide whether the relationship is what he wants, based on the conditions she is setting.

I think she’s spot on, myself. No messing around, he’s in or he’s out.

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 19:43

So would you be happy to see your child put their hard earned house in jeopardy @AStudyinPink?

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:43

She isn't controlling anything.

🙄

Jasminexx · 14/02/2021 19:44

2.5 years is more than enough to know if you live someone and want to start a family with them. Am finding it quite unnerving that people think because she can't put as much into the house or earn as much she shouldn't be entitled. That's like getting married and your husband asking for a prenuptial because he warns more, how would that make you feel? Or all the SAHM, should they not have any entitlement to their home if they split because they never finicially contributed? When you truly love someone you class them as a equal and wfats yours is theirs and whats theirs is yours, you go into these things together not seperate. She is probably insisting on having 50/50 as any money she does have she will be investing into the house and paying what she can and probably is secretly worried that if for any reason they didn't work out she wouldn't be entitled to natghing and could lose any money she has Invested plus she has two children to think about. Maybe they should rent for a while first as things can change once you live with with someone. I totally get why you worry about your son but really he is old enough and obviously loves this woman and he R children and sees his life with her, like many of said once her children are grown her own career could really take off.

Lotusmonster · 14/02/2021 19:44

I wouldn’t be disappointed if this happened to my son, but I would be concerned at the risk of him losing a great deal if the woman wasn’t in the relationship for all the right reasons ie. love etc. I don’t understand why the OP has been given such a hard time. When it’s a woman whose the breadwinner and the man is bringing little in terms of assets or income, posters are very quick to use the word ‘cock lodger’.
The guys a big boy and has to make his own mistakes without his mum fretting ...but to suggest he rents first and goes tenants in common, under the circumstances seems pretty reasonable to me.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:44

So would you be happy to see your child put their hard earned house in jeopardy @AStudyinPink?

I’d be happy to see my child happy, which - if they wished it - might include sharing their assets with a long-term partner.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/02/2021 19:44

He's a grown man and what she's asking seems reasonable - of course it's easier for a single man to move than to uproot 2 kids.

Stay out of it or you will lose him.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:45

@AStudyinPink

She isn't controlling anything.

🙄

What is she controling? Has she hid his phone? Opened his post? Locked him in the house? She's expressed her fears and concerns which are perfectly bloody valid.

But the woman who says if he doesn't move it's over isn't controlling...aye OK.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 19:46

@AStudyinPink
I agree with you that OP can’t do much here if her son decides to go ahead. What is worrying for me though is the double standards we see on Mumsnet from a lot of posters. It’s as if a switch turns off. Also, a lot of parents do support this children in building up assets. We are doing this for our DCs already and it will be very painful for me to watch if a wrong move like this means they lose the fruits of their and their parents’ efforts of many decades.

FLYINGAWAY1929292 · 14/02/2021 19:47

I feel that a lot of people are being quite over the top to the poster of the thread. I have seen similar posts where women have said they say that their BF wants them to move 1hr away from family and the posters say things like "this could be abuse he is moving you from your family" or things like "why should women always compromise why does he not come near you?"

I agree if you are an adult you should live your on life (men and women) without interference. However, what if there are red flags? Something which I teach everyone is financial independence. Everyone should have their accounts and look after their own finances in case things go south.

  1. 2 hours part is not the problem. If his GF wants a life with little interference that is not a problem. What is the problem is expecting someone to move 2 hours (leaving their family, friends) when you are not willing to do the same. Why is it okay for her to live in her area and be close to family but you can't? If it was me I would suggest a compromise. Fine you fear interference ok so what is best for both of us to potentially start a new life away from both our families. So a 1 hr distance for both of you. That is a better compromise.

  2. Asking for 50/50 when you earn a fifth of someone is never right. It is financial abuse. In no way in any given world can that be seen as fair. How can anyone ever justify 50/50 is right in this situation baffles me?

  3. I would not call this a stable relationship they have split countless times. It is not as if he has been with her 2-3 years in a row with little fighting. So if it is not a stable relationship why is he considering moving away? Surely he knows that there is a chance this might not work out if they split up before?

You are right to have concerns. Let's face it any parent would if it was their child. But as people say he is an adult so there is little you can do. But perhaps rather than giving your view listen fully to his angle again. That way maybe he can see some potential red flags.

I feel you are getting flamed a lot. Any parent would feel the same. Yes he is an adult if it don't work out his responsibility. But given the scenario, lets be honest if you posted this without mentioning gender i.e. saying Person A Person B a lot more people would have posted differently. Unfortunately, I have never understood this.

Cut a long story short, I hope things work out but you won't have the final say only he can realize the red flags.

LaceyBetty · 14/02/2021 19:48

@myson123

I have a feeling they will move in together and she will very quickly be pregnant.

This is exactly what I think will happen.

So what. He loves her!!! You said so yourself.
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:49

What is she controling? Has she hid his phone? Opened his post? Locked him in the house? She's expressed her fears and concerns which are perfectly bloody valid.

Leaving aside that (if this is your standard) this is a perfect argument for the fact that the girlfriend isn’t controlling, the OP came in here to find out how she can prevent her adult son making his own choices. I call that controlling.

But the woman who says if he doesn't move it's over isn't controlling...aye OK.

Setting conditions on a relationship isn’t controlling. It’s saying this is what I want from life, you’re in or out, your choice.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:50

What is worrying for me though is the double standards we see on Mumsnet from a lot of posters. It’s as if a switch turns off.

Not from me.

Also, a lot of parents do support this children in building up assets. We are doing this for our DCs already and it will be very painful for me to watch if a wrong move like this means they lose the fruits of their and their parents’ efforts of many decades.

A wrong move like making a family with someone they love? Hmm.

wibblewombat · 14/02/2021 19:50

I absolutely expected my DH to treat me like an equal, regardless that he earned 10x what I did...

If I had kids, I'd want assurances that a DP was serious before disrupting our lives.

Sounds like a bit of distance might be good for him. Right mummy's boy.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:51

@AStudyinPink

What is she controling? Has she hid his phone? Opened his post? Locked him in the house? She's expressed her fears and concerns which are perfectly bloody valid.

Leaving aside that (if this is your standard) this is a perfect argument for the fact that the girlfriend isn’t controlling, the OP came in here to find out how she can prevent her adult son making his own choices. I call that controlling.

But the woman who says if he doesn't move it's over isn't controlling...aye OK.

Setting conditions on a relationship isn’t controlling. It’s saying this is what I want from life, you’re in or out, your choice.

I don't think you're reading my posts right at all. What I'm saying is, OP is doing NOTHING which is controlling. No controlling behaviour whatsoever. She has come on to ask advice about something she is concerned about , is all.

Setting conditions on a relationship in the manner she has, is controlling.

yaybacktoschool · 14/02/2021 19:51

Dear lord, you sound exactly like my ex's mother - hence he's the ex!
Leave them to it!
Might not be what you imagined in your 2.4children average life, but the demographic of this country has changed - 1/3 of marriages end in divorce, step family are more common than your ideal perfect family.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 19:51

@LaceyBetty
OP said they have split many times within two years. It’s not ok at all. They haven’t even lived together yet FFS. Confused