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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
chickychicchic · 14/02/2021 19:16

Sorry hit the wrong button

I would recommend changes to ownership of House or just him owning the house and her moving in and she can use her 10% for something else or savings.

He's your son and you can offer advice I go to my parents for advice and respect their options but ultimately it's his choice

I moved to be with my hubby and although it would t be my parents choice and they were upset they are extremely supportive and visit much more than I expected as it's a the long way

MiddlesexGirl · 14/02/2021 19:17

@Rooroobear

Judgey much?? He’s earns a very good wage she on the other hand “only” earns 10k and has “baggage” ffs!! At least she works. How about maybe they love each other and she doesn’t want to uproot her children and the reason she said be with me full time or I’ll find someone who will was because she wants him to actually make a commitment instead of her feeling like her time is being wasted! Jesus, how overbearing. I’d run a mile if I was his gf having you as his mum. That’s obviously what you want.
All this would be fine if she didn't want 50:50 on the house deeds.
NoDramaMama14 · 14/02/2021 19:17

Stopped reading at he is 29. He is met someone he wants to take the plunge with,be happy for him or be prepared to lose him.

bellie710 · 14/02/2021 19:18

You sound like my Dh's mum, she was horrified that after him spending 30 years living within 500 metres of her he was upping sticks and moving 500 miles away. I am not surprised she is making ultimatums, she has 2 children who need stability and need to know if this man is a permanent feature in their life.

You need to step back and stop influencing his decisions, if it doesn't work then it doesn't work but you sticking your nose in is certainly not going to help and remember she may be the mother of your future grandchildren and at this rate you will never see them!

angelofthenorth72 · 14/02/2021 19:19

So? He's 29 not 19. He's an adult. As TestingTesting and others have said, you need to mind your own business!

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:20

@SoulofanAggron

Not normal for their age? What is normal?! Maybe I'm taking offence as I'm 29 and not married

@RootyT00t I know people don't like the idea of there being a normal, but a statistical norm/average is a reality. Grin

I'm 44 and never married or have kids tho, so it's not a judgement on anyone, I'm just saying OP is saying there'd be something wrong with him settling down at about the average settling down age, when it's average. Smile

waves from the shelf
o8O8O8o · 14/02/2021 19:21

OP you speak as if you see him as an extension of yourself rather than a sovereign adult

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:21

@AStudyinPink

It's not even two years though is it. The pandemic has been about a year.

Relationships have continued through the pandemic.

Two hours away when she has children?

I think you're being obtuse. This is not a normal timeline.

YouJustDoYou · 14/02/2021 19:22

Lord, the apron strings haven't been cut, huh

SorryPleaseTryAgain · 14/02/2021 19:23

As a single mum who dreams of finding a new partner one day, I am finding this thread extremely depressing.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 19:25

@myson123

I'm not happy with the entire thing if I am honest. I would never have chosen for him to be with a woman that already has 2 children. He is making his life unnecessarily stressful. I know this won't make me popular, but I doubt many mothers would really want their son to settle down with a woman who already has multiple children. He will also be far enough away that he cannot have the support of his family and friends through this stressful time.

She also earns a fraction of what he does, which will mean he will be biggest contributor. As well as this, he is looking to sell his house and put her on 50% of the deeds. I've mentioned renting, but he doesn't want to as they will be spending the majority of their wages on rent/bills etc! And he is also looking to have more children with her soon. All of this is ringing massive alarm bells to not only me, but the rest of our family too. I can't see it ending in any sort of positive way.

Oh my God. It's his life. He's 2 hours away not another country. What's with the drama? He doesn't have to. He doesn't have to do anything. He is choosing to. Is that what is annoying you, he's choosing this and it's not what you approve of?

He can say to her ok I'm not moving, I'm not selling my house and I'm not going 50 50. He doesn't have to, he can split up with her.
He is wanting to. Even if it's a mistake, it's his mistake an his life
You can gently say something if he is sure but unless he wants your advice.....

At 29 let him make his own choices.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 14/02/2021 19:28

Are you concerned she sees him as a meal ticket? You are allowed to be.

I would be uncomfortable with the on/off aspect of their relationship. I would be advising him NOT to sell his house but rent it out, live together first and review in a year. If they’re happy and it’s working then look at selling his house and buying together.

I have a feeling they will move in together and she will very quickly be pregnant.

All you can do is advise him to look after his finances and be there to support him if it doesn’t work out.

Original poster
myson123 · 14/02/2021 19:29

I have a feeling they will move in together and she will very quickly be pregnant.

This is exactly what I think will happen.

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 19:29

@SorryPleaseTryAgain

As a single mum who dreams of finding a new partner one day, I am finding this thread extremely depressing.
Me too
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 19:29

@myson123

I have a feeling they will move in together and she will very quickly be pregnant.

This is exactly what I think will happen.

And? Maybe he wants a family
AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:30

Two hours away when she has children? I think you're being obtuse. This is not a normal timeline.

Sounds pretty normal to me. They’re in a long-term relationship and he wants to move in. Not unheard of.

Parsley1234 · 14/02/2021 19:30

He needs to keep hold of his house rent it out then see how it goes - I’m with you OP I would be disappointed if it was my son.

Caketroubles · 14/02/2021 19:30

I think a lot of posters are projecting here OP. I would be concerned too if someone demanded a 50/50 share in a house that my DC doesn’t want it even buy yet for a while.
It sounds like a big demand. That is the red flag here. It is also related to the huge difference between the deposits they will put in together, the way they haven’t lived together yet (and your DS has no real idea of how a day to day life with two DCs will be when he himself has no support system around him) and the difference between their earnings. It’s worrying how so many posters missed the whole point of not seeing the inequality in this. Imagine a reverse in AIBU: the man would be called a cocklodger and freeloader within first five posts!
As a woman myself, I can’t imagine how I would expect a man to marry me, put me as equal on a house bought BEFORE we even moved in together and plan to have children with him while I am earning five times less than him.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:31

As a single mum who dreams of finding a new partner one day, I am finding this thread extremely depressing.

It’s awful, isn’t it? Suddenly you’re the “experienced woman with multiple children” and your partner is treated like a 17 year old with dubious cognitive skills. When actually you’re two adults making a joint decision.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:32

As a woman myself, I can’t imagine how I would expect a man to marry me, put me as equal on a house bought BEFORE we even moved in together and plan to have children with him while I am earning five times less than him.

Maybe some people are less money-focused than you.

ZenNudist · 14/02/2021 19:32

In case this is for real. You sound obsessed with money. Whilst there is sound financial advice to offer (like protecting your original capital contributions if these are unequal) harping on about his salary just seems irrelevant. Is everything absolutely equal between you and your dh? For most people there is pooled resources in both time and money. He obviously feels torn. You need to back off. Tell him you can't live his life for him and you trust him to make his own decisions and to do whatever makes him happiest. I still think try before you buy. Literally! Don't buy a house together until you live together as a family. They should rent his house out and then contribute that income towards living at her house.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 19:33

Exactly. He's a grown man. With a brain.
Not some poor kid.

caringcarer · 14/02/2021 19:34

Makes sense for him to buy house alone (just his name on deeds) and let gf and kids live with him rent free. Suggest this to him then let him make his own choices. Just be nice to his gf kids.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 19:35

Here's a thing.......he can say no.

mathanxiety · 14/02/2021 19:35

He says he loves her and the two children and can't imagine life without them. He wants her to be the mother of his children too apparently!!

You are as wrong as wrong could be about all of this.

None of what this woman is asking is unreasonable. Your adult son has developed a relationship with her and with her two children. The woman has devoted 2.5 years to it, and her children have been involved.

The fact that your son keeps on breaking up with her when she tries to get him to put the relationship with her ahead of his ties to you is a big problem. It is not the behaviour of a grownup and you are encouraging this immature way of conducting a relationship.

The only reason their relationship might be in danger of failure is the damage your expectations of his relationship with you have done over the years. He is clearly torn between inappropriately close ties to you which you have encourage, and his girlfriend.

If you want happiness for him, you need to completely change your expectations and your approach, start supporting the relationship with all your heart, welcome the two children into your family - in general, stop hobbling your son and bite your tongue when it comes to the GF, or he will end up a lonely, miserable man or one who keeps his relationships unofficial and hides them from you. Do you want that for your son?

My DCs are aged 19 to almost 31. Speaking from my own experience, relationships with adult children and their girlfriends or boyfriends are not the same as relationships with children when they are young. The expectation that they can be or that they should be, that a group of childhood friends will always remain in the home neighbourhood and maintain the old dynamics, with you involved in their lives to the extent you seem to believe you should be is a problem.

I strongly recommend you seek therapy to get to the bottom of your fears here, to put the massive mistake you are making firmly in the past and to help you start moving forward.