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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:54

@WhySoSensitive

Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area

But it’s ok to isolate her from her family and friends, her children from their family and friends. SMH.

No.

OP isn't suggesting she moves.

Beautiful3 · 14/02/2021 18:56

I would suggest that he rents out his house and moves in with his girlfriend, and see if they get on before selling his house. I would probably stay out of their relationship especially now he's nearly 30.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 18:56

Not what PP said.

No, I know. What PP said was absurd. He wants to do it because he loves her and wants to create a family with her. Which is precisely none of his mum’s business and perfectly normal at nearly 30 years of age.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:56

@AStudyinPink

Not what PP said.

I don't think it reads like that.

He wants to move despite not previously wanting to because if he doesn't it's over.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 18:59

He wants to move despite not previously wanting to because if he doesn't it's over.

Right. His girlfriend has set out her stall. She wants commitment. He’s a fully grown man who’s capable of deciding whether he can do that or not. He has decided he loves her and can do it. End of story.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:00

@AStudyinPink

He wants to move despite not previously wanting to because if he doesn't it's over.

Which is all fine.

But OP is allowed to be concerned. Anyone is, for whatever reasons they like.

Original poster

myson123 · 14/02/2021 19:02

He doesn't want to move there right now, and if it were up to him, he wouldn't be moving in for at least another 6 months. What has been happening for a long while now, is she will nag him to move in, then when he raises doubts or hesitates, they split up... only to get back together. From what he has said, and I only have my son's perspective to go on, she has now said she doesn't want to spend anymore time with him if he's not going to commit to her and her children after 2 and a half years. It is very much a 'if you won't move in, have children with me, I will find someone who will.' He maintains she is the love of his life and he wants her to be the mother of his children, so he's going to move in with her even though he wouldn't if it was just up to him. Next will come selling his house, trying for more children etc. I foresee him being a single dad and financially worse off, who would honestly want this for their child?

OP posts:

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:02

But OP is allowed to be concerned. Anyone is, for whatever reasons they like.

Absolutely. But she isn’t asking how she can feel, she’s asking what she can do. And the answer is very little.

Iwonder08 · 14/02/2021 19:03

The GF wanted him to move in with her even before they were together, earlier than 18m into relationship. She wants him to sell his house, buy a property and give her an equal share despite contributing a fraction of cost. What else is that if not a gold digger? Just because she is a single mother it doesn't necessarily mean she is a poor victim. Also a good mum wouldn't try to move in a bloke with her 2 kids who she knows for a couple of years and who is somehow reluctant to be so committed.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:03

From what he has said, and I only have my son's perspective to go on, she has now said she doesn't want to spend anymore time with him if he's not going to commit to her and her children after 2 and a half years. It is very much a 'if you won't move in, have children with me, I will find someone who will.'

Her prerogative entirely. He’s 30, not 12.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:04

Also a good mum wouldn't try to move in a bloke with her 2 kids who she knows for a couple of years...

This is ridiculous. A couple of years is enough. What do you expect, decades?

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 14/02/2021 19:05

I really don’t get the sentiment on this thread..?! If it was a man who was pushing a woman to sell assets so they could be automatically redistributed through the deeds (which is what this amounts to if there was a break up) there would be total support for the OPs concerns. Instead, she is being told she is an interfering and controlling old boot.

How many threads are there on here where an OP took the leap of faith on the grounds of ‘love’ to find their other half was actually perfectly happy to leave them high and dry and out of pocket when the relationship ended. No one can say for sure that’s what will happen here but if the OP says this isn’t the first time this has come up that’s not after 2 1/2 years, but maybe 2 or even 1....

And to those being nearly with the poster who said it’s well enough for posters who aren’t in the situation to be so casual, absolutely 100%. I had this with my MIL. She got narky (and it still rankles with her) when I looked to protect certain assets worth well over 7 figures in total when I married her DS (we have since built up a lot of wealth together which is not ring fenced). However, many years on and his DB got a five figure sum he put in a house that suddenly needed all the protection in the world from a dozen hypothetical situations and he wasn’t even in a relationship!!!! I took great pleasure reminding her of the importance of taking care of pre marital assets a few days ago when she raised the legal agreements he has again because he is now moving someone in. She didn’t like it. She couldn’t argue with me.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 19:06

@AStudyinPink

Also a good mum wouldn't try to move in a bloke with her 2 kids who she knows for a couple of years...

This is ridiculous. A couple of years is enough. What do you expect, decades?

It's not even two years though is it.

The pandemic has been about a year.

And they have been on/off.

So it's not a long time before moving him in.

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2021 19:07

He is an adult in an adult relationship. She has kids - hell lot easier for him to move to be with her than the other way round. I dont see it as her pressuring him. She wants an adult committed relationship which moves forward and living together is next step. Rightly so she doesn't want to continue the relationship if it isnt going somewhere.

You basically sound unimpressed because she is pt working mum on a low income. If she were a business woman on same wage without kids would u have the same issue?

Schoolchoicesucks · 14/02/2021 19:07

Separate out what you are not comfortable with, OP.

Is it him moving away and in with his girlfriend or is it that you are worried about unequal financial contributions?

If the former, he is 29 and you need to back off. If the latter, then I agree that renting his existing house and renting with the girlfriend would be a sensible move if they have not previously lived together full time.

Humblebumbleoh · 14/02/2021 19:11

He’s almost 30, what do you expect?!

o8O8O8o · 14/02/2021 19:11

who would honestly want this for their child?
he's not a child, he's a man

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2021 19:11

Plus he doesnt have to sell his house. My friend in now 6 years married (dates 3 years) and he still rents his original house out. They can easily rent togther, while he rents out his house. Do this for couple of years and see how it goes

Marinaloves · 14/02/2021 19:12

This is hilarious

SynchroSwimmer · 14/02/2021 19:12

Another vote for him to keep his own house there and rent it out.

Meanwhile rent in the new location with his partner “while they look at properties” - and in the intervening time the relationship will either thrive - or not.

Original poster

myson123 · 14/02/2021 19:13

I'm not happy with the entire thing if I am honest. I would never have chosen for him to be with a woman that already has 2 children. He is making his life unnecessarily stressful. I know this won't make me popular, but I doubt many mothers would really want their son to settle down with a woman who already has multiple children. He will also be far enough away that he cannot have the support of his family and friends through this stressful time.

She also earns a fraction of what he does, which will mean he will be biggest contributor. As well as this, he is looking to sell his house and put her on 50% of the deeds. I've mentioned renting, but he doesn't want to as they will be spending the majority of their wages on rent/bills etc! And he is also looking to have more children with her soon. All of this is ringing massive alarm bells to not only me, but the rest of our family too. I can't see it ending in any sort of positive way.

OP posts:

duckalemon · 14/02/2021 19:14

You're too interfering. No wonder he (and his gf) want to live 2 hours away

chickychicchic · 14/02/2021 19:14

Op I think some of the replies are unkind

You obviously care about ur son and his interests

Him moving away is out of your control and as a mum encouraging his happiness comes before you wanting him close by

If he has asked your advice on the house then 50/50 if definitely not fair as she is not contributing 50% deposit or working FT so won't be paying into monthly costs either.

Not ideal her offering a ultimatum however she obviously feels like he's messed her around abit. If they want to move in together it's essential the house issue is sorted. Might be easier for him to buy somewhere abs

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 19:14

It's not even two years though is it. The pandemic has been about a year.

Relationships have continued through the pandemic.

SoulofanAggron · 14/02/2021 19:16

Not normal for their age? What is normal?! Maybe I'm taking offence as I'm 29 and not married

@RootyT00t I know people don't like the idea of there being a normal, but a statistical norm/average is a reality.

I'm 44 and never married or have kids tho, so it's not a judgement on anyone, I'm just saying OP is saying there'd be something wrong with him settling down at about the average settling down age, when it's average.

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