Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:36

@IrmaFayLear

I’m almost tempted to start a thread saying I’m worried about my dd considering moving in with an insolvent single dad of two...
It would be a completely different thread.
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 18:36

@IrmaFayLear

I’m almost tempted to start a thread saying I’m worried about my dd considering moving in with an insolvent single dad of two...
Go for it. Hmm
o8O8O8o · 14/02/2021 18:37

You have to let him do it
but he's an adult, he doesnt need permission from his mother!
Attempts from my parents to control me resulted in me never trusting or confiding in them

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 18:38

@Lovemakesworldgoround

He 29 , they been together 2 & half years . I don't blame her to be honest .
I don't blame her for wanting more commitment, but I think she's being very grabby to want the house they buy together to be 50/50 when he would be putting in several times as much as she would. That's grabby. Also he's told her he's not ready... it's a big step to take on two kids, they've only been together (and at a distance) 2.5 years. Madness. At most they should rent together/him move in with them. Selling his house and buying together at this stage is bonkers.
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 18:38

The replies against this woman are ridiculous.

o8O8O8o · 14/02/2021 18:40

Daughters are daughters for life, son is a son until he gets a wife
Isnt that just code for 'women are easier to control than men are because society trains them to be polite and deferential'

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 18:41

Anyone else think that after a couple of months of someone else’s kids he’ll be moving out again?

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 18:41

@wellahair

I'm sorry this might hurt and I have a son myself and can emphasise. All you want is the best for your child whether they are 2 like mine or 29 like yours. Unfortunately you have to let him make mistakes because no matter what, it will go through one ear and come out the other and you will end up pushing your son away from you. I know you mean well, but he needs to see this for himself. It's not easy to step parent, it's not easy to be away from your familiar surroundings and he will see it better if you keep cool and warm all the time where he knows he can always come back. My advice is, don't point out the negatives as he might resent you and just let him experience the negatives himself where he will resent his own situation and why he got into it the first place.

You have mentioned that they have been in a on off relationship due to this move, so clearly he didn't want to move at the start which is good because when he does move in after the ultimatum, he will come back to his familiar life a lot quicker and realise this wasn't for him.

Bit late once she got half of his house!
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:41

@o8O8O8o

Daughters are daughters for life, son is a son until he gets a wife Isnt that just code for 'women are easier to control than men are because society trains them to be polite and deferential'
It's code for throw the man to the wolves and who cares but protect women at all costs.
IrmaFayLear · 14/02/2021 18:42

Or, women are battle axes whose one aim in life is stopping their dhs seeing their mother...

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 18:42

His house! His life! Not his mothers!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 18:42

@Lightningcrops

She wants a daddy for her DC and someone to pay the bills.

How on earth do you know that? Are you saying that the only appealing feature of OPs son is that he has some money? Surely thats insulting to him. Admittedly it's mostly what OP focussed on so might be how she judges his worth.

Well given how she said 'Do it or I'll find someone else'. He seems pretty easily replaceable
OneJumpAhead · 14/02/2021 18:43

Wow I can’t believe how intrusive and babying this is. He is an adult and this has nothing to do with you. Just support your son.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 18:45

@RootyT00t

Why the endless comments about her being a money grabbing whatever? OP is saying nothing of the sort.
Because she's demanding she's on the deeds 50/50 despite putting 1/5th of the money in & earning far less than him.
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:47

I can see that , but I don't think that's what OP is painting her out as , so I don't understand why people are getting so irate.

Jasminexx · 14/02/2021 18:47

@o8O8O8o no quite the opposite actually. In other words men tend to follow the woman and go where they go as we usually have the finally say. Obviously you don't have to take it so literally after all it is just a phrase

IrmaFayLear · 14/02/2021 18:49

It’s one thing for a couple to get together and be on a more or less equal footing, and after pooling resources one drops back due to child rearing or even illness etc. It’s another thing if someone starts off with a fraction of assets, plus dependents, and then wants a 50/50 share...

Lastbonestanding · 14/02/2021 18:51

Personally I would be sad if this was my son but we all get to choose our own partners. It is important you don't interfere with this.

evouk · 14/02/2021 18:51

This sounds like a train wreck. Why would a guy want to move two hours away from family and friends to be with a woman and two kids who aren't his?

Voice your concerns then let him get on with it. Suggest renting his house out so he has it to come back to when this relationship fails

Ileflottante · 14/02/2021 18:51

@happytoday73

Suggest he rents out his house and moves in with her. They can look at joint house when get married... I'd just limit myself to that to hopefully keep him financially secure. You need to let him follow his heart or he will resent you.. leave him to it
I think this is good advice.

They should rent first and he can rent his house out.

It sounds like maybe you had other ideas for your son and think he deserves ‘better’ than a single mum? But you don’t get to choose his life for him. And if you try, he’ll push you away.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 18:52

So really, we are basing their relationship on 18 months

Who’s we?

LightDrizzle · 14/02/2021 18:52

The fact that she hasn’t just uprooted her children to install them all in his 4 bedrooms house is in her favour surely? She is a woman who puts her children before a man.

I would share your anxiety about protecting the assets he brings to the relationship at this stage. A solicitor or financial advisor would almost certainly suggest something along these lines, my DD and her BF were in a similar situation (no children involved) and this was addressed when they bought their house. However you should at most suggest they seek such advice; you shouldn’t tell him what he should do.

Your son is doing well, but not stratospherically. It can be hard to progress in your career as a single parent to young children, but don’t forget this is a snapshot in time. I can think of a couple of older, former male colleagues of mine who had “taken on” Sad single mum partners, later their wives, who were in low earning, low status office jobs to fit around their young children. My colleagues were on well above national average wage with private medical, company car and fantastic pensions etc.
By the time I joined the company their wives were rocketing up the career ladder, overtaking their husbands.
Most spectacularly, the one who was in her thirties with three young children and a meh job when she met my colleague, ended up a high flyer meeting cabinet ministers etc, and when they both went to the Buckingham Palace garden party, he was her +1, not the other way around. I bet his mum thought he could have done better Hmm
I know other women whose careers didn’t take off until their 40s as their children became more independent, who ended up doing incredibly well.

You sound very judgemental about the woman your own son has fallen in love with. I think you need a reset.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 18:52

Why would a guy want to move two hours away from family and friends to be with a woman and two kids who aren't his?

Yeah. Why would anyone want to form a family with a person they loved? Or move away from their mum? Hmm

WhySoSensitive · 14/02/2021 18:53

Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area

But it’s ok to isolate her from her family and friends, her children from their family and friends. SMH.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:54

@AStudyinPink

Why would a guy want to move two hours away from family and friends to be with a woman and two kids who aren't his?

Yeah. Why would anyone want to form a family with a person they loved? Or move away from their mum? Hmm

Not what PP said.

I'm surprised everyone is so on board with moving him in with her and the kids after a 2 year on off relationship (one of which in lockdown, so has he even seen her?!) .

If it was her posting this nobody would be advocating.