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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
ChestnutStuffing · 14/02/2021 18:13

I find myself surprised generally by the number of people who see a difference in financial power as seriously problematic.

It's like a Jane Austen novel. Mum doesn't want her son with so much a year to marry the widow living on a pittance.

Lucyccfc68 · 14/02/2021 18:14

I would advise my son or daughter to ensure that they protected what they had worked hard for. Maybe you could try and gently convince him to move in with her before committing to selling his house. It’s hard enough raising children at the best of times, but especially if they are step children.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:14

@ChestnutStuffing

I find myself surprised generally by the number of people who see a difference in financial power as seriously problematic.

It's like a Jane Austen novel. Mum doesn't want her son with so much a year to marry the widow living on a pittance.

🤔
SpeakingFranglais · 14/02/2021 18:16

Lots of predictable replies OP, and I suspect many of those telling you to butt out are those with sweet little primary school D.C. tucked up in bed who are a couple of decades away from this and probably nearer in age to your DS.

Here’s my two penneth from a mum with a DS who has moved his GF into his home that he saved five years for the deposit for. We love her, she is absolutely right for him, but until she has finished her degree and got a job and they either buy a house together or get married, strongly support him protecting his interests (which we may or may not have worked very hard to help him with).

Interfering or not I don’t give a hoot. I would certainly learn to love his partner as it sounds like she will be around for a while and if they eventually end up happily married for 50 years then fabulous, that counts for more than all the money in the world.

In the mean time I would be strongly encouraging him to live with her in rented first and if he subsequently comes if he comes to sell his property protect his deposit.

If he loves her and wants to marry her, great, she deserves to be an equal in the relationship in all ways. If it doesn’t work he can cut his losses and start again.

What I wouldn’t do as a parent, is just butt out. I might try to approach the situation with some impartiality but i wouldn’t just sit back. As a parent, however old your DC you should make sure you have their best interests at heart and share your wisdom.

I doubt there is a single person on here that doesn’t want the best interests of their own children.

Menora · 14/02/2021 18:19

You should remember that usually your close friends and family (or coworkers!) naturally tell you their problems from their own perspective and often when they are highly emotional. This usually leads to friends and family disliking the other party because all they have heard are the bad bits about that person. I have an adult child and they usually sound off to me about all sorts then it’s confusing when they trot back off to whatever/whoever it is they were complaining about. That’s why people are telling you that you are over invested because you are - he’s your child and he’s come to you to moan when he’s having a hard time with her and not wanting to settle down, that’s why you have a ‘bad feeling’ because it’s based on what he’s told you when he’s pissed off/upset and which is why it’s confusing he’s running off to her now. You need to separate yourself out from what he’s told you to overlook the whole thing from above. It doesn’t stop you caring about him to be more objective. Financially secure man settles down at 30? It’s not really a horror story

Rooroobear · 14/02/2021 18:22

Judgey much?? He’s earns a very good wage she on the other hand “only” earns 10k and has “baggage” ffs!! At least she works. How about maybe they love each other and she doesn’t want to uproot her children and the reason she said be with me full time or I’ll find someone who will was because she wants him to actually make a commitment instead of her feeling like her time is being wasted! Jesus, how overbearing. I’d run a mile if I was his gf having you as his mum. That’s obviously what you want.

Bumpsadaisie · 14/02/2021 18:22

You have to let him do it.

You will still see him and speak to him regularly, just like many other families.

Of course if she has children settled at school that is going to be the main factor.

He won't be "isolated" from his family - he can still see and be in touch with you plenty. He can make new friends.

I think you will miss him - of course you will, and it will be difficult. But still the right thing if that is what he wants to do. He is almost 30 !!!! I thought you would be writing about a boy of 18 or 19 at first.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 18:23

@nostaples

Is this common, to have interfering mothers with sons in their 20s? And presumably a generation of mummys boys who can't live independent lives. Really worried about my daughters if that's the case.
Why? Are you bringing your daughters up to be grabby little madams, pressuring blokes to hand over their assets when they've made it clear they're not ready, then to issue ultimatums?
PADH · 14/02/2021 18:23

If he asks for your advice you can suggest the tenants in comment thing, or that he rents out his current house and moves in with her so if it doesn't work out he has something to fall back on.

If he doesn't ask, I'd say nothing. He's 29 and in the nicest possible way, it isn't any of your business. You'll do more harm than good poking your nose in (even if it is with the best intentions).

PADH · 14/02/2021 18:24

*common not comment

Christmasfairy2020 · 14/02/2021 18:24

Hmm talk about nightmare mother in law!

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:25

Because mothers are never over invested in their daughters in their 20s.

LifeExperience · 14/02/2021 18:26

I have two children in their 20s. My eldest lives with his girlfriend, a choice I don't approve of. But he's an adult and he gets to make his own decisions. You've had your life and made your decisions, both good and bad, and now it's your son's turn.

Unless you want to screw up your relationship with your son, back off. Of course it's difficult, but seriously, back off. His mistakes are his to make.

Cameleongirl · 14/02/2021 18:28

I completely agree that they shouldn’t rush into buying a house together, they need to live together in rented accommodation for a while to ensure this relationship is truly committed.

I do find this obsession with how much each person financially contributes to a house abit odd, tbh. I put down the entire deposit and covered all the closing costs for our house so I was well ahead of my DH in terms of how much I initially contributed. He’s since caught up by paying more of the mortgage -but it took years to get to that point.

Different scenarios work for different couples, there’s not a perfect way to do things. We’re both on the deeds.

Jampot1 · 14/02/2021 18:28

SpeakingFran absolutely spot on!

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 18:29

@SpeakingFranglais

Lots of predictable replies OP, and I suspect many of those telling you to butt out are those with sweet little primary school D.C. tucked up in bed who are a couple of decades away from this and probably nearer in age to your DS.

Here’s my two penneth from a mum with a DS who has moved his GF into his home that he saved five years for the deposit for. We love her, she is absolutely right for him, but until she has finished her degree and got a job and they either buy a house together or get married, strongly support him protecting his interests (which we may or may not have worked very hard to help him with).

Interfering or not I don’t give a hoot. I would certainly learn to love his partner as it sounds like she will be around for a while and if they eventually end up happily married for 50 years then fabulous, that counts for more than all the money in the world.

In the mean time I would be strongly encouraging him to live with her in rented first and if he subsequently comes if he comes to sell his property protect his deposit.

If he loves her and wants to marry her, great, she deserves to be an equal in the relationship in all ways. If it doesn’t work he can cut his losses and start again.

What I wouldn’t do as a parent, is just butt out. I might try to approach the situation with some impartiality but i wouldn’t just sit back. As a parent, however old your DC you should make sure you have their best interests at heart and share your wisdom.

I doubt there is a single person on here that doesn’t want the best interests of their own children.

Sweet aged primary school? You don't know anything of the posters lives. Yes you can have a chat about your ADULT children but the rest is basically interfering. Unless the adult children ask for advice, it's really not your place to.
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 18:30

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

If I wash single with mine I'd want to see commitment too, sounds like he's stringing her along. And there is no way I'd move my dc life to please an adult 29 year old who wants to Stay near mum
Telling her he's not ready isn't stringing her along, he's 29 - giving up his house, his life to become a Dad to two kids, should be when he's sure it's what he wants!. Not sell your house, give me half & bring up my kids or were finished. It not the way forward.
3JsMa · 14/02/2021 18:31

You sound like a typical toxic MIL (albeit future) who wants to control her already adult children and live their lives.
He's 29 not 2,he made choices and all you can do now is to respect it and support him.
I have a strong feeling that all the drama is due to your interference as your son is just stuck with your constant questioning and not so healthy advice regarding his life.Let him be happy and stop babying him.
It's 21st century,it's perfectly normal to have a relationship with single mothers/fathers.

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 18:31

And just because you ar the parent in the scenario, doesn't automatically makes you wise.
We know nothing of the mother-son relationship here either.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:31

@LifeExperience

I have two children in their 20s. My eldest lives with his girlfriend, a choice I don't approve of. But he's an adult and he gets to make his own decisions. You've had your life and made your decisions, both good and bad, and now it's your son's turn.

Unless you want to screw up your relationship with your son, back off. Of course it's difficult, but seriously, back off. His mistakes are his to make.

Did you read the bit where the son told his mother she is controlling??

If OPs child was a daughter not one person would say to back off in this event.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 14/02/2021 18:35

@Theunamedcat

Advise he protects himself financially but support him the reality is they have split up several times for whatever reason and unless he is prepared to lose all his hard earned money he needs to be sensible

If they get married its different but moving in together you need to protect yourself

Getting married is NOT the answer here. That just gives he even more rights to his assets, there are no advantages for him.
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 18:35

I would.

Jasminexx · 14/02/2021 18:35

I personally do not think it sounds like a mistake. 100% he should move to where her children are going to school and the fact she earns less should not matter what's so ever. As a couple you pool together earnings and work as a team. You say isolating him, it's not isolating at all, it's called growing up, when you settle down with children you do not see your friends as much as you spend more time with your immediate family and so travelling up once a week to see the family and friend sis not the end of the world. I think you sound like you just don't like her. I personally would be very proud and impressed if my son grew up into a decent mature man, taking on responsibility and treating this woman and her children as his priority and doing right by her. At some point women you will lose your son to an extent to his wife because that's just how it is. Daughters are daughters for life, son is a son until he gets a wife

IrmaFayLear · 14/02/2021 18:35

I’m almost tempted to start a thread saying I’m worried about my dd considering moving in with an insolvent single dad of two...

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 18:36

Wtf? What if they want to get married.
They are grown ups!!!

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