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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
malificent7 · 14/02/2021 17:44

Put

crystalpaula · 14/02/2021 17:46

He's an adult. Let him live his life. Or it will backfire on no one else but you.

InFiveMins · 14/02/2021 17:46

I read up to 'I've got a 29 year old son' and then voted YABU.

Stop trying to interfere with your adult child's life!

His life, his choices - keep out of it.

IrmaFayLear · 14/02/2021 17:46

It seems a lot of posters can’t imagine being the mother of adult dcs. Fgs, even my 100-year-old granny worried about her “children” if they were having problems.

I suppose we have a vision of how we would like our dcs’ lives to pan out. And the OP I would think would like her ds to meet a nice local girl and live locally. That I think is a bit U as the ds is a separate person and should spread his wings if that’s what he wants. However, it’s not Unreasonable to be cautious about someone who appears to want it all her own way. That will never end and OP’s ds could be trapped with quite a domineering partner.

AliceMcK · 14/02/2021 17:46

He’s 29 I’m sure he’s more than capable of making his own decisions and new friends. If this was your daughter you would be telling her to do everything this woman is doing. Obviously her kids schooling and support network with childcare is going to take priority especially if their dad lives close to them.

I think you need to cut the apron strings

TatianaBis · 14/02/2021 17:48

Only read the OP's posts not the responses.

While you have the right to be concerned you have no right to be involved.

I would advise him to rent his house out and move in with her for a trial - make or break. If it works out he can uproot his life for her. Unless he's ready to be full time dad to 2 kids it may be something of a shock.

I would underline the importance of retaining assets and independence in case the relationship failed - and I would say the same to a woman in this circumstance.

gorillasinthemist · 14/02/2021 17:50

@myson123

Thanks for everyones comments. I've only just had the chance to read them all.

I am very concerned about this situation, which I think is my right, especially as a year of their relationship has been through COVID. So really, we are basing their relationship on 18 months. He has a fantastic career, has prospects to do even better for himself and I do worry that the disparity of their earnings will bring trouble for my son in the long run. If I am being honest, as someone mentioned earlier, she is extremely attractive, which is why I think my son is so smitten with her.

She has wanted him to move in from very early on. I have seen the negative effect this has had on my son, he has confided in me on several occasions about how he feels. He feels very pressured by her and thinks she is controlling. They are clearly at different life stages. None of his friendship group are married or have children. However, he also says that he loves her, loves her children and wants to spend the rest of his life with her and have more children with her by the end of the year. As well as moving in with her ASAP. It's all a bit much and I am only trying to advise him in the best way I can. I know I cannot control him or stop him from making his own decisions, he is an adult, but it devastates me that he cannot see how disastrous this will be.

It's understandable that you are concerned. It doesn't sound likely that the relationship will last if he is so unsure/ unwilling to commit/ keeps splitting up with her. Being a full time step parent will be very hard and it doesn't really sound as if he is ready for this. However, you need to keep quiet and not say anything to him. He is a fully grown adult and needs to make the decision himself. If you do try to control him, it will backfire either way.

It is perfectly normal and commonplace for adults to move around the country or even abroad for work or a relationship. You seem to think that your adult son will live locally all his life, remain in the same group of friends from childhood, etc. This is unrealistic. It may be good for him to spread his wings and grow up a bit. The girlfriend will obviously not want to move her children and disrupt their lives, no parent would want to do this unless necessary. You clearly don't like her and are letting this cloud your judgement on everything.

The one thing I would say if this was my son is that I would suggest he protect himself financially. Lots of posters have already suggested renting out his house initially which would be an option as would selling, banking his money and renting with her for a year or two. They can buy later if things work out well.

randomer · 14/02/2021 17:51

The only thing you can "do" is have a short, calm conversation explaining your fears.
Then proceed to develop your self and your sense of self, so that you are no longer living your life through somebody elses.

SandyY2K · 14/02/2021 17:52

@titchy

Where does OP say she wants 50% of the house they will buy in the future after they have lived together in rented for a while?

Or are people making up random shit?!

No. I'm not making up random shit. It was very clear in the first post. I've copied the relevant bit below.

She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

I hope this clarifies your question.

Wherearemymarbles · 14/02/2021 17:52

Titchy,

This is what the OP said in her opening post

....... ‘She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.....’

If the gf insists on 50/50 then yes, she is a goldigger.

The fact she wanted him to move in ages ago is also a red flag -

Senabak · 14/02/2021 17:53

It’s not what most parents would choose for their kids but you have to let them get on with it.

Lovemakesworldgoround · 14/02/2021 17:53

He 29 , they been together 2 & half years . I don't blame her to be honest .

Durgha · 14/02/2021 17:54

Thank God for my step mother in law. She took me and my daughter on as though we were family from the beginning. If she had doubts, she never mentioned them. OP, maybe you raised a good lad and are now worried about the consequences? My daughter has nothing but fond memories of her step grandparents. My son (actual grandson) had much less time. So they talk about them together.

ThunderBuddie · 14/02/2021 17:55

Can he not rent his place out whilst they rent together? Would encourage anyone to protect their assets regardless of pay/children etc.

Red flags if they’ve only been together 18 months (12 through covid) and they’ve split up because she’s pressuring him to move in already - and wants to be on the deeds/mortgage.

All you can do is support and gently advise him, without pushing him away.

Plmoknijb123 · 14/02/2021 17:55

I think a lot of posters are being a bit mean. You’re his mum, it’s normal to worry and want the best for him whether he’s 1 or 100. This woman sounds controlling, and her threat to just leave and find someone else is pretty horrid. Sounds very ‘my way or the highway’. What does your son get out of this relationship? Seems very odd that he’s so invested in a woman with two children and a settled life. I would honestly advise him to leave her and try dating someone with less baggage. I would be surprised if she can find someone else quickly, given that any partner of hers needs to meet her specific demands.

Your son needs to look out for himself. Her priority will be her children, not him.

wellahair · 14/02/2021 17:55

I'm sorry this might hurt and I have a son myself and can emphasise. All you want is the best for your child whether they are 2 like mine or 29 like yours. Unfortunately you have to let him make mistakes because no matter what, it will go through one ear and come out the other and you will end up pushing your son away from you. I know you mean well, but he needs to see this for himself. It's not easy to step parent, it's not easy to be away from your familiar surroundings and he will see it better if you keep cool and warm all the time where he knows he can always come back. My advice is, don't point out the negatives as he might resent you and just let him experience the negatives himself where he will resent his own situation and why he got into it the first place.

You have mentioned that they have been in a on off relationship due to this move, so clearly he didn't want to move at the start which is good because when he does move in after the ultimatum, he will come back to his familiar life a lot quicker and realise this wasn't for him.

MerryChristmasToYou · 14/02/2021 17:59

I'm totally with you OP.

She wants a daddy for her DC and someone to pay the bills.

You need to get this message across to him in a gentle but straightforward way. You are his mother, if you won't tellhim who will.

You might alienate him, but if you do it tactfully, you won't.

Northernparent68 · 14/02/2021 18:00

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will

I’d have run a mile at that comment alone.

I’d be the same and want him to protect his assets. The fact the deeds are expected to reflect 50/50 ownership despite not paying 50/50 is a huge red flag and maybe you can get someone else to talk to him or get him to seek financial advice before making such a costly mistake.

Ice cream is right. You’re getting a hard time on this thread op, but the answers would different if the sexes were reversed,
Lightningcrops · 14/02/2021 18:01

She wants a daddy for her DC and someone to pay the bills.

How on earth do you know that? Are you saying that the only appealing feature of OPs son is that he has some money? Surely thats insulting to him. Admittedly it's mostly what OP focussed on so might be how she judges his worth.

willstarttomorrow · 14/02/2021 18:02

OP, basically you are concerned she is a money grabbing witch. She could be, or maybe she needs to see some commitment after 2 years. Advise your son but be careful- you are going to alienate him. The sensible solution is your son rents out his place and they move in together and they see how it goes. Either her place or rent somewhere new together- they have never lived together so seem reasonable. If it works out and they are together forever then all good.

woodhill · 14/02/2021 18:04

@myson123

Thanks for everyones comments. I've only just had the chance to read them all.

I am very concerned about this situation, which I think is my right, especially as a year of their relationship has been through COVID. So really, we are basing their relationship on 18 months. He has a fantastic career, has prospects to do even better for himself and I do worry that the disparity of their earnings will bring trouble for my son in the long run. If I am being honest, as someone mentioned earlier, she is extremely attractive, which is why I think my son is so smitten with her.

She has wanted him to move in from very early on. I have seen the negative effect this has had on my son, he has confided in me on several occasions about how he feels. He feels very pressured by her and thinks she is controlling. They are clearly at different life stages. None of his friendship group are married or have children. However, he also says that he loves her, loves her children and wants to spend the rest of his life with her and have more children with her by the end of the year. As well as moving in with her ASAP. It's all a bit much and I am only trying to advise him in the best way I can. I know I cannot control him or stop him from making his own decisions, he is an adult, but it devastates me that he cannot see how disastrous this will be.

I think if she really loves him she would be more patient. My advice to him would be - do nothing
ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 14/02/2021 18:05

If they haven't lived together yet, I think he'd be wiser to move into hers for a while, and rent out his place, to see if it works.

Your son is 29, he's old enough to make his own choices and mistakes. Encourage him or he will resent your control.

Advise him to be wise with his money, and be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 18:08

Why the endless comments about her being a money grabbing whatever? OP is saying nothing of the sort.

willstarttomorrow · 14/02/2021 18:09

Just to add- gently advise your son that they rent together first. No one buys a house together without living together, it may be the wrong area for them both, it gives them options rather than just rushing in. Sell it as a positive. Of course she does not want to move her children from their schools, so she certainly would not want to rush into this.

LolaSmiles · 14/02/2021 18:09

Tbh if this was a daughter not a son I think people would offer difference advice and people would be advising you to tell you're dd to protect her assets and to have a tenants in Common order set up incase they split up especially even their history. The fact the sexes are reverses shouldn't have any bearing on the advice given but unfortunately mn can be biased on this. He should protected what he has worked for as I would imagine she would be advised to do the same followed any assets obtained from her divorce. Its only natural any parent would want their child protected financially.
My friend lossed out from the sale of her home when she put more in than her ex because she hadn't properly ring-fenced her money, it was a hard lesson, she learned and the next timed she made sure when buying with her new long term partner she did it properly
100% this.
Nobody on this thread would be saying that a woman should put in the lion's share to a property for a man who wants to work part time and have a 50/50 claim. They'd rightly be pointing out that it has free-loading written all over it, especially if they had split up several times after disagreeing about moving in.

It's a really weird world when a parent (of any sex) advising their child (of any sex) to protect their financial contributions gets such a screaming chorus of 'you are so mean, you are controlling, keep your nose out, none of your business'.