Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

@nostaples

' contributed 100% to our house and my husband and I are joint tenants (50/50).'

That's interesting @LaceyBetty

And presumably nobody challenged you or your husband about this?

Nobody did at all.

At 29 someone shouldn't need their mum to protect them from the evil machinations of (gasp!) single mothers. Especially someone who's obviously astute enough to have a 4-bedroom house. I can't believe some of the disgusting assumptions being made about this girlfriend.

Or, the OP could move closer to the son.

This is bordering on the ridiculous. Great way to cut the apron strings!

I also have a 29-year-old. He's lived in Spain for a year. Should I be a gypsy and follow him around in life? Of course not!

Op, in your situation I would advise mine to NOT sell his house (at least for a year or so), but rent it out as pp have suggested. There are no guarantees in life but he would at least have a bolt-hole if they split up. (cos they already have a few times).

I particularly like Kahlil Gibran's take on it from The Prophet (great book!)

"Speak to us of children.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."
It goes on....

@SoulofanAggron

They are clearly at different life stages. None of his friendship group are married or have children.

@myson123 If that's so then statistically they're not normal for their age.

I think if you think about it you can think of a lot of them over the years that are now living with their girlfriends and have children. They've probably fallen away from those going out etc a bit.

COVID or not, it has been 2 and a half years.

18 months is about when people start to think about moving in or some other commitment anyway.

It seems like you want to keep him as your young boy and don't like to think of him growing up.

Do you feeel unhappy/trapped in your own marriage at times and that's why you don't want him to end up in the same situation? It could be seen as controlling to not want him to grow up.

Having said that, if he's been saying to Mummy that he finds his girlfriend controlling, maybe he should bin her.

Not normal for their age?

What is normal?!

Maybe I'm taking offence as I'm 29 and not married 🤣

@jumpyturtles

I can’t believe the nastiness here, just because she’s a single mum she’s a gold digger?

Well...when she's contributing 10k...him 50k and she wants 50/50 on the deeds...that's nothing to do with being a single parent.

She could say the same thing as a childfree woman and the views would be the same.

@YoniAndGuy

You MAJORLY need to back off.

Or you'll end up not seeing much of the children he'll have with her.

He's nearly 30?!

'Older independent adult children' - omg. You just mean an adult, then? Not a 'child' at all?!

I'm finding myself wishing her luck - taking on a nearly 30 mother's boy who's still dithering about moving away from his childhood cocoon and whose mother actually thinks it would be more reasonable for her to move her childrens' school to accommodate darling boy still being able to see his school friends just as much as he always has.

If she posted here everyone would be telling her to run like the wind, so you never know - you may get your way, and he'll still be single and allllll yours at 45.

Totally agree.

You need to back off and leave him to it, it really has nothing to do with you.

OP's son hasn't felt ready to move in with his gf up until now. What has changed now is that gf has increased the stakes and has said she will stop being his girlfriend if he doesn't commit to moving in with her. She's more or less said that she'll set her sights on finding somebody else who does want to move in with her.
So gf is not so in love with OP's son that she'll settle for having an exclusive and loving relationship with him, where he lives in his own place and visits. He could take her kids out for weekends with her and stay over, but this won't be enough for her. It's the lifestyle choice gf is wanting of being married, or living together, presumably she wants a child with him - if he has told his mum he imagines gf bring the mother of his child. You can be with someone but not living with them.

OP's son has fallen out with gf in the past, when she has gone on about him moving in. He hasn't felt comfortable with the idea and has been prepared to take a break and stop being her boyfriend over this. There is a limit to what his 'being madly in love' means. If his feelings for her felt right, he probably would have been making some plans. The 50:50 split is her idea, but he hasn't formulated any alternative plan himself. Why not? If he's earning a big salary he is intelligent: hasn't he investigated tenants in common or renting out his place? Can he express his own sense of what would be best for everybody? Is he foot loose and fancy free in his attitudes? ( 'spontaneous' and making plenty of time for his friends) If he is, and if he and gf have had numerous breaks, he probably isn't spending that much of the week with gf and her kids and finding out what it would be like on a permanent basis. It sounds like he is going from foot looses to feet in first. Feet first leaping is what you do - blindly - when you're not really thinking things through. You are saying you'll leave things to providence. He should be testing the waters and gradually seeing if they are all compatible and if the kids' welfare will be properly secured with not too many sudden changes in store.

To me, it is about having a baby. That would be the reason why they would feel an imperative to be under the same roof with a shared asset because he would then need to be in situ to do his share of childcare. If they are not ready for this, it would seem better to work towards togetherness in smaller steps. 2.5 years is not that long a time together in view of the big life decisions ahead.

Read the replies carefully . Emotionally you can do nothing and you shouldn’t .

Financially just make sure he rents his house out . As the market is very volatile at the moment convince him it makes sense and will pay the rent at her house for the moment . And as he admitted , will give them a chance to make sure the relationship works. Then make SURE he knows he goes with your blessing .The last thing you want to do is sour your relationship with him .

If you have already voiced your opinions about her , then apologise .

Sorry but you have to play the long game .

Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing.

Most people stop living a ‘spontaneous life’ as they grow up. My DP moved countries at a younger age than that in order to be with me.

By all means offer him some financial advice, but he’s 29 and has met a woman he loves and wants to have children with. It’s not your place to stop that.

[quote SandyY2K]**@jumpyturtles

I can’t believe the nastiness here, just because she’s a single mum she’s a gold digger?

Well...when she's contributing 10k...him 50k and she wants 50/50 on the deeds...that's nothing to do with being a single parent.

She could say the same thing as a childfree woman and the views would be the same.[/quote]
Where does OP say she wants 50% of the house they will buy in the future after they have lived together in rented for a while?

Or are people making up random shit?!

I’m very glad my stepfather, one of the very best people in my life, and in my children’s and nieces lives, didn’t see us as spoiling and restricting his life! As far as I can tell, he thinks we’re pretty close to the best things in his life too.

That’s great for you and your stepfather that he has had such a lovely time being a stepparent to you. Sadly many don’t enjoy it as much.

Hateful attitudes from some people on this thread! Many, many people become step parents, because so many relationships end - often for good reason and better outcomes.

And all too often, and in more cases, become stepparents and it’s very difficult. I’d rather my children didn’t take that risk if I’m honest.

It’s not hateful to draw on my own experience and to not want my children to experience what I did. I’m not as worried about my sons because stepfathers do get a somewhat easier ride than stepmums do. But I’d be very worried about my daughter becoming a stepmum. If that’s hateful then fine.

Being an adult who can make your own decisions doesn't mean that the people who love and care about you shouldn't be worried about you, concerned that you may be being coerced or ask what they could do to help you.

You can also say that you don't want something to happen whilst completely understanding that you have no right to try to prevent it and that doing so could harm a relationship that is important to you.

Anyone who understands about coercive control knows that being an adult doesn't automatically mean you can say no to someone. None of us can say for sure that the OP's concerns about the GF being controlling are without foundation.

He may be being pressured to move before he's ready because he's been persuaded by his abuser that he has no choice or is being given an opportunity he doesn't really deserve OR he may feel completely ready to move but is putting the blame on his GF in order to avoid offending his DM.

There are a lot of sheep on this thread picking up previous posters' assumptions and joyfully beating the OP about the head with them. It's really quite unpleasant. The best of MN is that people can ask questions and expect a variety of opinions from people with all different perspectives to help them think things through properly. This hasn't been the best of MN.

I get it OP. I think he is being set up.

Surely he could keep his house, rent it out and move in with her for a bit to see how it goes? If she isnt keen on this idea it may not be your son she wants ...

but it devastates me that he cannot see how disastrous this will be

On the other hand, finally growing up and committing to someone he loves, and becoming a father may well be the making of him, and all he has ever wanted.

OP has posted nothing that suggests she is a gold digger, and a lot that suggests he's been a bit of a commitment-phobic man child (let's be honest that's pretty appalling for an almost 30 year old isn't it?) for the couple of years they've been together.

I know a few people who quit relationships in their late twenties on the grounds that they "didn't want to settle down". Then suddenly there's a domino effect of weddings and kids in their friend group and nobody wants to come out to play any more.

I'm not saying that rhose people were wrong to break up, but in 18m time those friends will probably be substantially settled themselves, so he'd be throwing away apparently a very important relationship to him for the sake of a few months convenience.

Your son is a 29 year old, fully grown man. I think you need to leave these decisions to him.

OP I don't blame you for being worried. From what you've posted it doesn't sound like he actually necessarily wants to move in with her, he's only considering it because she will end it otherwise. Which sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

Of course the GF isn't being unreasonable in not wanting her kids to move schools.

If they had a rock solid relationship then fine but the whole on and off nature of it means it isn't stable (and frankly why the hell is the GF putting her kids through that?) so of course he's at risk of losing money.

But I'm not sure there's anything you can do other than advise what others have suggested - renting out his house and renting one with his GF. Maybe it'll work out fine and you'll be on MN in ten years time talking about your wonderful grandchildren.

The thing is op, just possibly, he could end up extremely happy. You seem determined to be negative despite the comments on here. At 29 it is not unusual to be settling down and doing so is unlikely to have any negative impact on his career. Indeed if he feels settled it may even help him progress. Let him decide though.

There is becoming stepparents, she has 2 children, works part time and contributing less than the man with no children who works full time. Sorry not sorry but if she was invested in this relationship she should move into his big house, where he has room for her children too rather than invest in a property at unfair share. I don't I'd be comfortable going out with a man who bought and paid for everything and expect him to sell to buy a house for me and my children. If I was halfing in fine but only 10 grand towards his 40, nah!

Tbh id my dp didn't want to move in with me id dump him too.

I can absolutely see from this girlfriend’s POV, that she’s tempted to bin off a bloke after 2.5 years who wanted the best of both worlds - to have sex with her, dinner cooked for him and part time family life but also access to a whole second separate life he can disappear off into 2 hours away to enjoy his separate friends and his excess income. For over 2 years. Why wouldn’t she want more? What’s wrong with her asking for this?

It’s absolutely ok for him to not be ready to settle down but it’s not ok to string her along all this time and ‘maybe being ready one day’ is unfair. He’s in or he’s out. And that’s not his mother’s decision he is 30. She’s invested 2.5 years in your son and it is unfair to expect her to have other expectations as to what she wants from a relationship!

If he doesn’t want to do it then he shouldn’t. But he knows he’s going to lose her which is absolutely fair for her to give him an ultimatum. What is the sad part is that when your son was 27 he got involved with this woman and got to know her kids and you still dislike her this intensely

Yanbu at all. I wouldn't want any of my children, male or female to risk their financial security that they've worked hard for to move in with a partner with two children whose lifestyle they would have to fund. Your dc needs to be smart and protect their own interests. Tenants in common would be a good start. They need to think with both their head and heart. If shoe was on the other foot and it was a single father with two children demanding their female higher earning partner sell their home, move 2 hours away from their family and friends, and be 50:50 owners without contributing the same amount I reckon the responses on this thread would be different. It would cocklodger galore!

So if it was your daughter with two children would you be telling her to move? If this was my daughter I would be saying get him to come here. She has two children to think about and their lives too. It's not just about your son. Oh god you sound like an awful MIL. You would prefer your son stays here near you and keeps you happy then he takes a leap and maybe it all goes wrong. He can't be your husband so let him go and be someone else's. seriously this girls is only putting ultimatums up because he's been dragging his feet and she wants to get on with her life. Just because she has children doesn't make her a bad person. Let your son make his own mistakes and support him.

He feels very pressured by her and thinks she is controlling.

This doesn't sound good at all.

Has your son had other relationships? Is he easily led? Was he bullied at school? Is he lacking in confidence at all?

Relationships at different life stages can be challenging.

I think I have a link for stepdads thathe mayfind useful. I'll try and locate it and send you via PM. It

Tbh if this was a daughter not a son I think people would offer difference advice and people would be advising you to tell you're dd to protect her assets and to have a tenants in Common order set up incase they split up especially even their history. The fact the sexes are reverses shouldn't have any bearing on the advice given but unfortunately mn can be biased on this. He should protected what he has worked for as I would imagine she would be advised to do the same followed any assets obtained from her divorce. Its only natural any parent would want their child protected financially. My friend lossed out from the sale of her home when she put more in than her ex because she hadn't properly ring-fenced her money, it was a hard lesson, she learned and the next timed she made sure when buying with her new long term partner she did it properly.

I think you are pit off by the fact she has kids op....well good on him for loving those children....