Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

@nostaples

'I can see nothing in the OP that tells me his only reason for staying is his mother.'

Really?

'it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends'
'He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster.'

Can you really not see that this is about the OP's fears?

All relationships might end in disaster and nobody can predict which will and which won't. But it is not up to a mother to interfere in the love life of her 29 y o son. Especially not when he has made his choice and he is in love.

Why are you deflecting back to OP?

He has argued and split up with her every time moving is suggested. He is now going because if he doesn't , she will dump him.

Not a good foundation. OP had every right to be concerned (I agreed on page one her bit about him leaving the friends etc was too much ) but she is right about this.

I've got adult children. I can see what you mean
We can't stop them from making mistakes that might cost them dearly but there isn't much that we can do. You might want to suggest that your son ring-fences his financial input into the relationship but that will be met with some vitriol both with your son and on here OP.

Keep wearing your hard hat on this thread.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Unpopular opinion but I wouldn't want any of my kids to be a step parent when they're adults. I don't blame you OP.

Excuse you? Is that Hyacinth Bucket?!?!

Fair point @SandyY2K but there are so many ways to mitigate for that. And if the ds is 29 and has a job earning 50k, he's really old enough to make these decisions himself.

@nostaples

Out of interest, do the people on this thread contribute 50% or more to their own property?

Yes/ No

Are you on the deeds of your property 50/50

Yes/ No

I put down the bulk of the deposit but since we bought the house I've always earned less than my husband or even less than that. Still went on the mortgage 50/50 and I wouldn't expect anything differently.

We met when we were at Uni and went though various job changes. He got a well paying job, I didn't. We rented for a bit then wanted to buy after we got married to provide us some security. We were childfree so able to pick an area in between both our jobs so it worked out fine.

Several years down the line he is on about £50K and I earn about £7K. Dam right do I want half of my house, I helped buy it, I gave up full time work to look after the kids (I didn't mind to be fair, needed out of my job) and help provide us with a comfortable lifestyle.

I couldn't have bought the house without him because I couldn't have afforded the mortgage and he needed my deposit.

2 kids down the line if I were single and seeing someone for 2 years I would be expecting some sort of commitment and wouldn't have any doubts about saying so. You either commit or you go so I can get on with my life.

Doesn't make her a gold digger at all. She doesn't want to move her kids and I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to move mine either and I don't even have any local family to support me.

I don't blame you for having concerns over their relationship when they've split up several times and it would be useful if you could suggest ways of sorting things out financially but everything else is just mean. Any one of us could end up a single mum, it's not our fault that we aren't high earners or have perfect relationships/marriages. Shit happens and we pick up the pieces and carry on.

YABU. He is nearly 30 and he can make his own decisions. Hopefully it will work out for the. It it doesn’t then he can learn from that. Who says it won’t work out though? Because she has kids, because she doesn’t have much money? Because they are on and off? Maybe they are on and off because the distance puts a strain on things and he has an over bearing mother?

I hope mil didn’t think this of me. I already had DS when I met dp. I was young with not much and he had a steady job. He was living with her at the time but bought a house shortly after we met and I moved in a couple years later. We’ve been together 10 years and have dc together. I would hate to feel she was judging me in this way.

Maybe your son is happy to be the main earner in their relationship? Maybe he is happy to take on. Woman with 2 children! Maybe they will have their own. Who knows!

I don't have a problem with anything to do with her finances or being a single mum. I have a problem with OP being berated over valid concerns.

To add, I don’t blame the woman for not wanting to move her children to another shcool. As a parent surely you understand that? People move further for love.

'Why are you deflecting back to OP?'

One of the oddest questions I've ever seen.

'He has argued and split up with her every time moving is suggested. He is now going because if he doesn't , she will dump him.'

But he, a grown man, has made that choice. It's therefore none of his mum's business.

'Not a good foundation. OP had every right to be concerned (I agreed on page one her bit about him leaving the friends etc was too much ) but she is right about this.'

Maybe you're right. If you summarised anybody's relationship on this site, I'm not sure how many would be considered to have a 'good foundation' though. And sometimes those with seemingly the best foundation are the worst.

It's fine to be worried but the OP sounds like she's putting her needs first and showing v little empathy for the DS's GF or even him.

I think the OP would have got a lot more sympathy if she has worded the thread 'Worried about ds' and continued down that line. But she has said she 'doesn't want him moving in with her'. It's a very very different stance.

Leaving this now. Too many people (including me) investing too much time and energy in what should be up to this couple and nobody else.

@nostaples

'Why are you deflecting back to OP?'

One of the oddest questions I've ever seen.

'He has argued and split up with her every time moving is suggested. He is now going because if he doesn't , she will dump him.'

But he, a grown man, has made that choice. It's therefore none of his mum's business.

'Not a good foundation. OP had every right to be concerned (I agreed on page one her bit about him leaving the friends etc was too much ) but she is right about this.'

Maybe you're right. If you summarised anybody's relationship on this site, I'm not sure how many would be considered to have a 'good foundation' though. And sometimes those with seemingly the best foundation are the worst.

It's fine to be worried but the OP sounds like she's putting her needs first and showing v little empathy for the DS's GF or even him.

I think the OP would have got a lot more sympathy if she has worded the thread 'Worried about ds' and continued down that line. But she has said she 'doesn't want him moving in with her'. It's a very very different stance.

Yes I agree OP could have worded it better. I am also being very defensive but I thought the pile on was outrageous.

As per the odd question, the reason I asked it was because exactly what you say. Realistically it doesn't matter what she thinks. It matters what he does.

Lockdown is getting to us all 🤣🤣

This happened to my BIL. A year later she moved out, divorced him and walked away with a LOT of money.
Sadly, not much you can do.

Wow. My boyfriend is 13 years my junior and I'm pretty sure if he decided to move in with me and my DC his mum would say she's gonna miss him then mind her own business because he's a grown ass man

Thanks for everyones comments. I've only just had the chance to read them all.

I am very concerned about this situation, which I think is my right, especially as a year of their relationship has been through COVID. So really, we are basing their relationship on 18 months. He has a fantastic career, has prospects to do even better for himself and I do worry that the disparity of their earnings will bring trouble for my son in the long run. If I am being honest, as someone mentioned earlier, she is extremely attractive, which is why I think my son is so smitten with her.

She has wanted him to move in from very early on. I have seen the negative effect this has had on my son, he has confided in me on several occasions about how he feels. He feels very pressured by her and thinks she is controlling. They are clearly at different life stages. None of his friendship group are married or have children. However, he also says that he loves her, loves her children and wants to spend the rest of his life with her and have more children with her by the end of the year. As well as moving in with her ASAP. It's all a bit much and I am only trying to advise him in the best way I can. I know I cannot control him or stop him from making his own decisions, he is an adult, but it devastates me that he cannot see how disastrous this will be.

Totally with you OP. I would not want this for my adult son. The best you can do is advise him not to sell his property and be there for him when it all goes horribly wrong.

I can understand that she would want him to make a commitment- most women of that age would.

And he can presumably drive after all and visit his friends etc.

He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing.

Most people settle down/couple up eventually, they don't stay living the life of a single bloke with their mates forever.

Financially he should perhaps protect some of his money/input into the house, though.

Just be there to pick up the pieces if the worst happens. He is nearly 30 he needs to make his own path. Personally I think he should rent his house even for a year or so.

Let him move,you can't stop that. Visit as much as possible and keep communication open, be the annoying MIL

Don't worry about the rest, you can pick him up after. Focus all your efforts on getting him to protect his finances. He needs sound legal advice on ownership and just ensure that he acts upon it. Make him aware of his losses if they split and she turns nasty. No way should she put in that little and be entitled to half! That would ring alarm bells for me.

Following that, make sure he's not subsidising her and her kids. For example it wouldn't be appropriate that he pay 50/50 bills/food as there is 3 of them and one of him. Just make sure he's going in to it with his eyes open.

@myson123

No he will not need to change jobs... his job is in the middle of the two places. The DC don't have any contact with their dad, so he will become a full-time step parent. He says he loves her and the two children and can't imagine life without them. He wants her to be the mother of his children too apparently!!

The plan is to move into her rental, but he doesn't want to be shelling out for his place and contributing towards her place, so he will be looking to sell his house as soon as possible to buy one together... otherwise all of their income will be spent on mortgages/rent/bills.

You seem surprised that your adult son might want to have a child with the women he loves. This is normal for many people. As is moving a way to move in with their partner.

In his situation I would be encouraging him to rent out the property he owns but don’t say it’s in case the relationship breaks down. Tell him it’s good financially or maybe they will want to move back into to it so there is lots of room for the children.

He’s 29. Cut the apron strings. Sounds like he has two controlling women in his life. He should run from both of you.

This (though to be fair the gf doesn't sound controlling, at their age its fair enough to want commitment or call it a day).

You do sound snobby I'm afraid OP. I don't think your son's salary is that great, and I don't associate not having moved away from home towns and childhood friends to be markers of success...does that mean he wouldn't be good enough for my DD?

@oakleaffy

Woman:
''I am dating a man with two children who earns a quarter of what I earn..He wants me to move in with him, and for me to pay £50,000 to his £10k.*

He is giving me an ultimatum.
He wants to be on the deeds 50/50

Red flag

People would be saying ''Run a mile''

Absolutely they would.

Her wanting a commitment is not the issue. I agree with her on that point. Her wanting 50/50 on the deeds with her 20% in comparison contribution is the issue.

Her proposal means her expenses reduce and his increase. I can see why he's not in a rush, but if he wants kids with her...he'll have to move in at some point.

If she was my DD I'd certainly advise her to get married before anymore kids, as she could easily end up being a single mum to 3 or 4 kids.

He feels very pressured by her and thinks she is controlling

Then if he's actually said that to you, I have a bit more empathy for you, OP.

Let him go

They are clearly at different life stages. None of his friendship group are married or have children.

@myson123 If that's so then statistically they're not normal for their age.

I think if you think about it you can think of a lot of them over the years that are now living with their girlfriends and have children. They've probably fallen away from those going out etc a bit.

COVID or not, it has been 2 and a half years.

18 months is about when people start to think about moving in or some other commitment anyway.

It seems like you want to keep him as your young boy and don't like to think of him growing up.

Do you feeel unhappy/trapped in your own marriage at times and that's why you don't want him to end up in the same situation? It could be seen as controlling to not want him to grow up.

Having said that, if he's been saying to Mummy that he finds his girlfriend controlling, maybe he should bin her.

given the frequent splitting up, buying a house together now is not a good idea. He can rent his house out, move in with her and then see if they like liivng together. If they do they can buy a house together at that point, if they dont then he can move back to his house.
When they buy, if not married then go with PP suggestion and ensure he ring fences his deposit and she hers, and then agree the house is owned 5:1 if that is what the deposits are and he is paying the mortgage - or she can keep her house rent it out and he buys his own house in her area, so that any financial commitment is delayed until the relationship is on a stronger footing