Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

@happytoday73

Suggest he rents out his house and moves in with her. They can look at joint house when get married... I'd just limit myself to that to hopefully keep him financially secure. You need to let him follow his heart or he will resent you.. leave him to it

Agreed. The only thing I’d be worried about is the financial ties buying a house together so soon and without being married.

The rest of the OP is unreasonable given her son is on the cusp of 30 - and can make his own decisions for the life he wants to live.

@nostaples

Maybe you're much younger than me and things have changed or just that you have v different expreriences *@SandyY2K and @RootyT00t* but I have no experience or knowledge of relationships where a couple don't move in together after 2 1/2 years unless they BOTh agree to live apart. Where one person wants the other to move in (and the other doesn't) then clearly that's a strained relationship which will usually fail. Just like if one person wanted children and hte other didn't or one person wanted sex and ther other didn't.

There is nothing to say he doesn't want to move in with her.

Maybe he doesn't want to move two hours away from his friends and family purely because she has kids. That's where the double standards comes in because if a woman didn't want to move nobody would be telling her she has to.

@Treacletoots

I think given the fact that OP has ignored several excellent suggestions about tenants in common and renting his current house, that she's clearly not on here to get honest opinions, but rather has already made up her mind about her son's gold digging girlfriend.

As long as we still live in a society that believes it's acceptable for men to leave their children entirely, and women are expected to pick up the pieces at the expense of their career, whilst men can seemingly carry on regardless we will continue to have single mums who have no choice but to work part time and rent a property because they can't get on the property ladder.

OP should perhaps try and empathise rather than judge. Admire that her son's GF has put her children first over a man, and not unreasonably asked him to step up and behave like a man, not a man child attached to his mother's apron strings.

You need to make friends, with your son's GF. You might even like her. But even if it does all go wrong, your job is there to console not to gloat, or judge, since we all make mistakes, it's how we learn from them that matters.

OP has probably run a mile after the total avalanche of vitriol and I don't blame her.

After2 and a half years she wants a commitment from her 29 year old boyfriend and she wants her children to be life near their school. This does not sound unreasonable to me. I would back off and start being friendly towards the woman who will one day be the mother of your grandchildren.

Oh FFS @RootyT00t the OP also has a problem with empathy.

Her son has made his decision:

'He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried '

It is SHE that is worried.

Of course she's entitled to worry. All mothers do all the time. She is not entitled to intefere with the love life or decisions about his life of her 29 year old son.

Especially not on the basis that:

1. She thinks moving (in with his partner) will make him isolated (from her)
2. Moving will mean the end of his 'spontaneous' life.

I think wanting a proper commitment after 2.5 years together isn’t unusual. If you want a serious relationship then I think it’s right to say so. So from the girlfriend’s POV, it doesn’t sound dodgy.

However I do see it from the OP’s POV as you’re worried your son will lose out and get hurt if they break up and the property gets split despite him paying more in. Well, unfortunately there’s nothing you can do. If he’s got a good job etc then even if they split up he’ll not be left in a dire situation. Like others said you need to let your children be adults and make their own decisions.

'f a woman didn't want to move nobody would be telling her she has to.'

It's not about sex, it's about parenthood.

She has children; he doesn't.

@nostaples

Oh FFS *@RootyT00t* the OP also has a problem with empathy.

Her son has made his decision:

'He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried '

It is SHE that is worried.

Of course she's entitled to worry. All mothers do all the time. She is not entitled to intefere with the love life or decisions about his life of her 29 year old son.

Especially not on the basis that:

1. She thinks moving (in with his partner) will make him isolated (from her)
2. Moving will mean the end of his 'spontaneous' life.

I don't disagree.

Doesn't mean I need to pile on her and not see it from her side as well.

@nostaples

'f a woman didn't want to move nobody would be telling her she has to.'

It's not about sex, it's about parenthood.

She has children; he doesn't.

And that always trumps?

That's also how the law sees it (should they be married and divorced). The children's interests are paramount.

Oh dear. He’s nearly 30. You do not get to control his life or who he chooses to live with. Make him choose and see what happens. As is seen on here time and time again, he will choose her, and you will lose him.

This assumes that he wants to move in and play that role. Just because he is madly in love with her doesn't mean he does

2 and a half years (on off) is not that long, despite the hysteria from some posters.

@RootyT00t

I really can't believe you would ask that question on this site.

The only reason he has to stay where he is is so that his mum can be close to him (by her own admission). He would still have to move to accommodate the girlfriend and her children.

She has children in school and parents who support her and the children (not his children).

YES. 100% the children trump the man's mum.

[quote nostaples]@RootyT00t

I really can't believe you would ask that question on this site.

The only reason he has to stay where he is is so that his mum can be close to him (by her own admission). He would still have to move to accommodate the girlfriend and her children.

She has children in school and parents who support her and the children (not his children).

YES. 100% the children trump the man's mum.[/quote]
It's you that keeps mentioning OP not me.

I was asking whether the fact she has children trumps the fact that he potentially doesn't want to move.

I can see nothing in the OP that tells me his only reason for staying is his mother.

'This assumes that he wants to move in and play that role.'

Are you being deliberately obtuse, the OP HERSELF says:

'He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend,'

If he didn't want to. He is a grown man and can say no.

I can't believe all the nastiness about single mothers. And I say this as a smug married who might be in the OPs shoes one day.

Does this mean that any single mother who wants a relationship is a golddigger? Why all the 'she sees ££££' comments? She likely earns less because she has children. The fact that she works part time and has savings of £10,000 is admirable. She clearly isn't frivolously spending everything she gets in on designer shoes and bags.

What do all of these posters think? That if your husband dies or leaves you you should wait until all your children turn 18 (or apparently 30) and are no longer financially linked to you? That if you want to move on with your life you're after somebody's money rather than love?

That all these men (who have been self appointedly running the world for thousands of years) are too feak and weeble to make their own decision about who they want to live and how they manage their finances without mummy's input?

None of us know this woman. Why all the golddigger comments about a woman (any woman) but all we know of this one is that she has some savings and a job? And why the hell shouldn't he contribute if he loves her and them and wants to be a family? Sure, protect your assets pre-marriage, or move in with her to see how it goes first, but they've been together over 2 years. It's time for him to make a bloody decision, he's made that decision, and it's HIS decision to make. Leave or move in sounds totally reasonable after 2+ years of long distance.

It doesn't make her a gold digger. It just means she doesn't want to end up wasting more of her fertile years on a man who won't commit.

If the man didn't want to move I don't think anybody on this site or anywhere else would say he should. But HE DOES.

What a v odd line of argument you are pursuing.

@nostaples

'This assumes that he wants to move in and play that role.'

Are you being deliberately obtuse, the OP HERSELF says:

'He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend,'

If he didn't want to. He is a grown man and can say no.

No I'm not.

Yes - he's moving because if he doesn't she will dump him and move on , as she's decided enough is enough.

Not because he WANTS to.

The key is that every time he has gone to move they have argued, split up and he doesn't.

'because she wants me to' is no solid foundation for a move. The only reason he is moving is because if he doesn't it will end, and he loves her. That's not enough.

I don't know how you're not seeing this.

The girlfriend expecting to be 50/50 on the house purchase would ring alarm bells when they keep splitting up and she's contributing far less than him and the OP's DS will be selling his house and reinvesting the proceeds in the house sale. I think as a parent it would be reasonable to want to advise a DS and to protect them from the potential fall-out if it goes wrong. It doesn't mean he shouldn't move though if he wants to continue the relationship. He should, however, get some legal advice to protect his financial position as the relationship doesn't sound very stable at the moment. 50/50 on the house when he is putting in far more and they aren't even getting married at this stage seems like an unreasonable demand from the girlfriend.

The worrying thing is she is expecting him to sell his asset- that he owns 100%, to invest in "their" house that he'll contribute more to (due to the difference in their earnings) and if/when everything goes tits up the house won't be sold as its the family home.

Financially he is been taking for a ride.

Emotionally though he needs to decide where he wants to go.

@nostaples

Maybe you're much younger than me and things have changed or just that you have v different expreriences @SandyY2K and @RootyT00t but I have no experience or knowledge of relationships where a couple don't move in together after 2 1/2 years unless they BOTh agree to live apart.

I'm not young. My kids are both in University.

The issue isn't moving in or committing after 2.5 years together. I met and married my DH in less than that time. If he wasn't ready to commit to marriage, I would have ended it...... BUT neither us us had kids from a previous relationship. I wasn't contributing £10k on comparison to his £50k..we contributed an equal amount.

An expensive 4 bed is required for her kids. She can't afford that without him. I doubt she'd even get a mortgage on her own. This relationship isn't equal and she has way more to gain than him.

No doubt he'll be paying more of the bills and household expenses. I know that can happen in non step families, but the higher earner is providing for their own DC

Now if I was her mum...I'd be very happy she'd found someone like him, all things considered.

If I was his mum, no. I wouldn't be so happy. He has more options for a partner without baggage and the financial gap is a concern.

If you read the SP, board so many seem to regret getting with a partner who has kids already. It can be complex and comes with a lot of headache and is something I've advised my DC not to do. Thankfully they agree...for now.

Where one person wants the other to move in (and the other doesn't) then clearly that's a strained relationship which will usually fail.

I agree. It's the finance that concern me.

@draughtycatflap

Pamelaaarr!

Omg that's exactly who this sounds like!!!!!!!

'I can see nothing in the OP that tells me his only reason for staying is his mother.'

Really?

'it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends'
'He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster.'

Can you really not see that this is about the OP's fears?

All relationships might end in disaster and nobody can predict which will and which won't. But it is not up to a mother to interfere in the love life of her 29 y o son. Especially not when he has made his choice and he is in love.

I can’t believe the nastiness here, just because she’s a single mum she’s a gold digger?

Being practical, moving children's school if you can possibly avoid it is a perfectly sensible request in my opinion. Given the concerns, the rent existing house and rent another seems a sensible option.

Though that does not mean the 29 year old DS is going to accept this suggestion about his property. GF wants commitment, which given how many commitment phobic men seem to exist, not unreasonable either.