Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

The problem with the property thing is that while moving in together without real ties to "try things out" might be ok in some situations - and I don't think it actually improves the chances the relationship will work out - it's not the same to do it and buy a house together, or to do it with kids.

In either of those cases there are very strong arguments for not moving in without getting married, which means it's a 50/50 thing whether you earn the same or not.

If he isn't sure enough about the relationship to do that, buying a house together is not a great idea, and it's potentially pretty shitty for the kids. On the other hand the gf is right that if he isn't ready for that after two years, she should move on, it's a waste of her time.

Op os right to have alarm bells ringing...
I own my own home and have worked hard in a job i hate to be in this position...my ex rented and didnt work but wanted me to sell my house so we could live together in a bigger house...i had alarm bells ringing and luckly didnt sell...we continued in a relationship that resulted in me being controlled and abused...iv long gone from that situation and count my blessings everyday that i didnt sell my home..if i had o would have been setting with everything i worked for gone...also, i had people say to me at the time not to sell my house because of him..these people were friends and i never once thought they should mind there own business..i was glad of their opinion and it verified what i already suspected...

I can see from her point of view why she has told him to commit or leave.

But I also see the concern of him essentially giving up his financial security to support this woman and her children.

I think the sensible thing would be to move but hold onto his house.

Once they are married he will be supporting them and paying for their home but until her knows that they are going to be together then he should hold onto his own house.

I feel so sorry for his girlfriend to be honest. You talk about how much he earns compared to her, maybe she feels she cannot live up to your very high expectations for your darling son.
You sound like a nightmare

@RootyT00t

If it was a man saying move in with me or il find someone else the replies would be very different.

OP , I'm sorry you got such a pile on. Totally uncalled for.

I agree with you 100%.

Especially with the difference in incomes and deposit amounts. He'd be called grabby. That he was looking for a maid, cleaner and someone to keep his bed warm.
Plus a whole host of other things.

OP... your son should possibly move in first being buying with her. Other people's kids are fine when you can go home and get some peace.

Visiting or staying the night are very different from living with someone.

He may find he doesn't agree with her parenting style. Which is important if they have kids together

Doee she want more kids? He can hope she will but he needs to ask her.

I'm not that I understand why the ds can't move in with her on a trial basis (and perhaps while renting out his current flat) though before buying a house? That would be the best way to trial the relationship with minimal upheaval to all, esp the kids.

@myson123

According to him, they keep splitting up because she wants him to move in and up until this point he hasn't felt ready. Now she's pretty much told him if he doesn't commit to her, she will find someone who will.. hence he is now going full steam with moving in with her.

It is fair enough for her to want some commitment though

I don't think you will have to worry about this for long op. He sounds like a sensible person and for whatever reason (probably the two children and the unfair financial demands!) he doesn't sound like he want to commit to her and good for him. The more she makes ultimatums the quicker it will fizzle out I should imagine. And for those saying he will be turned against you if you interfer...he wont. He would choose the right woman over his Mum maybe, but chances are not a girlfriend that he cant even be arsed to properly move in with.

@happytoday73

Suggest he rents out his house and moves in with her. They can look at joint house when get married... I'd just limit myself to that to hopefully keep him financially secure. You need to let him follow his heart or he will resent you.. leave him to it

yep. Encourage him to rent out rather than sell but other than that sadly I think you need to keep out of it .

I can understand the reservations Op. I say this as a mother to sons in their 20s, who has mopped up the fallout, when asked from a variety of clusterfucks as they navigate their way through adult life, mostly with my heart in my mouth and occasionally screaming into pillows.

However, the only way to maintain open communication is to remain neutral. We all make mistakes, the important thing is we learn from them.

Our children are not ours to control when they reach adulthood, and guidance has to be given when sought with the skill of a UN diplomat, it may feel unjust but think back to times when ones own parents disagreed with decisions we made, and how defiance became motivation over and above common sense.

I'd say leave it be. If in ten years time they're settled and happy, all good. If he doesn't try, in order to appease you, will there be a subconscious resentment about the road not travelled?

You said you wanted advice, OP.

I've given both of my daughters some money that will either help them with a house deposit, or help them move up from a tiny place to a family home. It's been given without strings, other than that if they buy with their partner/DH, that money is ring-fenced should they ever split up.

The money I've given them is what I consider my late husband's half of my savings, and in lieu of an inheritance from him. So I don't want half of it to go to a partner that he never even met, in the case of a split in their relationship. Both are absolutely fine with that, and their partners understand. It's very simple to do in the legal paperwork where the deposit is referenced.

I would suggest to him that any difference in contributions to the deposit are registered in the same way. But that would be the limit of my interference.

Maybe you're much younger than me and things have changed or just that you have v different expreriences @SandyY2K and @RootyT00t but I have no experience or knowledge of relationships where a couple don't move in together after 2 1/2 years unless they BOTh agree to live apart. Where one person wants the other to move in (and the other doesn't) then clearly that's a strained relationship which will usually fail. Just like if one person wanted children and hte other didn't or one person wanted sex and ther other didn't.

I don’t think 29 is very old actually, many are still free and single at that age. 2 of someone else’s school age children is a lot to take on and a big decision and loads of couples aren’t ready to take the commitment to the next level at 2.5 years. Given there are significant financial implications here too I’m not surprised his mum is not keen on the idea. But this is MN where men are disposable and definitely shouldn’t have any kind of relationship with their mothers.

In any relationship where one person really wants something the other doesn't (that is dependent on the other). There are only 3 outcomes: one or other person gets their own way, the relationship continues in conflict or there's an ultimatum and the relationship ends.

How it goes is up to the couple though and not one or other of the partner's mother.

@draughtycatflap

Pamelaaarr!

The nuances of these situations and relationships aren't easily portrayed in posts on social media and everyone answering will be doing so in the context of their own personal experiences and perspective.

OP, you seem to think that there is an element of coervice control here and that your DS is giving in to pressure from this woman to make a commitment earlier than he feels ready. Whether that truly is the case or not, nobody on the thread is in a position to judge.

If we assume that he is being subjected to a level of coercive control, your best strategy is to be supportive of the relationship, while asking carefully considered questions about the reasoning behind the plans they are making. Be careful not to be distrespectful or critical of your DS's girlfriend. If she is trying to isolate him from his family and friends, this will just help her cause.

I would pick the one issue you think is most important, I guess this is the house, and just focus on questioning whether there could be better options for them like renting out the larger house and using the income to pay the mortgage for a while. Make it clear that you fully expect them to commit further in the long run and you totally respect their right to make decisions together about their financial arrangements.

In respect of everything else, I would keep my counsel. Some of what you think is problematic is perfectly reasonable, e.g. not wanting to change the children's schools. The more you appear to want to undermine the relationship, whether coercive control is involved or not, the more likely you are to lose contact with your DS altogether.

If nothing else, this thread has given you a good persective on how others would advise your son and whether all of your concerns would be seen as reasonable.

@RootyT00t

If it was a man saying move in with me or il find someone else the replies would be very different.

OP , I'm sorry you got such a pile on. Totally uncalled for.

Exactly. Woman: ''I am dating a man with two children who earns a quarter of what I earn..He wants me to move in with him, and for me to pay £50,000 to his £10k.

He is giving me an ultimatum.
He wants to be on the deeds 50/50

Red flag

People would be saying ''Run a mile''

Re my house, after DH left 2 yrs after buying it {We earned the same} I paid 100% of mortgage, and it was not always easy, especially in the beginning.

Totally don't blame her for not wanting to uproot her childen when they are at school but I can also understand that tou are concerned for your son. Speaking kindly OP he is 29 and able to make his own decisions now and it sounds like her has enough time to mull it over. She will also be thinking " Is this man going to commit or not". Im not sure of the financial situation but xould they rent something together to see how it goes first. Its a big commitment on both sides.

According to the OP, this couple have reached the make or break stage.

In fact, if you read the OP, she says, 'He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever.'

So he's decided. He's an adult. This really is about the OP's (the mum's) issues and not his.

YABU to think it’s unreasonable for him to move away or for her to change her kids schools. He’s old enough to make his own choices and he’s making a normal choice.

YANBU to be worried, especially as she wants to go on the deeds 50/50. That would be a hard no from me. If she’s contributing one sixth of the deposit she can have one sixth of the house and will need to cover her share of the mortgage. If I were him I would want to rent my house out for a year before committing to a sale. How much time is he spending at hers at the moment? Is he there a few nights a week already or would this be a big change?

She’ll be demanding marriage next. Your son won’t be able to protect his assets from her then and I can see why you’re worried about that. I think divorce laws in this country need to be changed so people don’t risk losing their life savings by marrying or being stuck working in high pressure jobs for years longer than planned to pay for a divorce. I’m sure others will disagree with me.

I think given the fact that OP has ignored several excellent suggestions about tenants in common and renting his current house, that she's clearly not on here to get honest opinions, but rather has already made up her mind about her son's gold digging girlfriend.

As long as we still live in a society that believes it's acceptable for men to leave their children entirely, and women are expected to pick up the pieces at the expense of their career, whilst men can seemingly carry on regardless we will continue to have single mums who have no choice but to work part time and rent a property because they can't get on the property ladder.

OP should perhaps try and empathise rather than judge. Admire that her son's GF has put her children first over a man, and not unreasonably asked him to step up and behave like a man, not a man child attached to his mother's apron strings.

You need to make friends, with your son's GF. You might even like her. But even if it does all go wrong, your job is there to console not to gloat, or judge, since we all make mistakes, it's how we learn from them that matters.

@draughtycatflap

Pamelaaarr!

Haha yes!

Why on earth would you expect her to relocate her children and move away from her support network to move near her partner's family that clearly don't like her?!

Oh FFs, if a woman who has been with her fella for 2 1/2 years, has children and doesn't want to uproot them, wants him to move in with her. And this is something that HE ALSO WANTS because he is in love with her. Is being seen as 'coercive control' on her part I really give up.

I hope to God my daughters never encounter potential mother in laws who are so overprotective of their sons that they actually stand in the way of their happiness (because of their own issues with cutting the apron strings).

[quote nostaples]@RootyT00t

You don't see why a woman with children would want to keep them in school and continue to get support from her parents who live locally?

And that this trumps the desire of a 29 year old single man whose mother wants him to stay close to her?

Even when it's unlikely the GF and children could move in with him as it is because he's living in accommodation for a single man so he'd have to move anyway?

You really don't get that?

Are you often lacking in empathy? Or is it back to the double standards thing?[/quote]
You are incessant.

I do see why she would want that.

I don't think it trumps OPs desire , no. And no the double standards point was again not to you, not everything is.

I just see more than one side. Amazing that.

Excuse me while I process you lot talking about empathy after the absolute battering OP got for no reason.