Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

Don't tell him you're saving obviously. But it would mean you would have a safety net for him if he needed it.

He's 29. You do nothing. Let him live his life and be there if he needs you.

@TheyIsMyFamily

I was with exh for 20 years. We had 2 children together. He was always the higher wage earner but we paid a proportionate percentage of our salaries into the mortgage.

When we were divorced the property was split 60/40 with the larger share going to me because the children live with me.

That is what was considered fair in law. And by me and everyone I know.

There will be women on this thread and possibly our mother who contributed v little or nothing to their property. This might be the case for our daughters. It might also be the case for our fathers, husbands or male children (but much less likely). I am v surprised that anybody would think that you are not entitled to at least a half share of the property if you are in a long term relationship with children.

You very rarely see women on Mumsnet saying that they are getting divorced or separated but they're not bothered about keeping a roof over their children's heads and their husband/ partner is welcome to the house!

I mean this kindly OP;

This is none of your business. Your son is an adult who can and should make his own decisions.

I would be absolutely mortified if either my parents or my in-laws discussed our financial situation in this much detail.

I don’t think the Op is controlling, just because our kids are adults doesn’t mean we don’t worry about some of the decisions they make .

The girlfriend is doing the right thing, two to three years he should be at shit or get off the pot stage, he’s nearly thirty, not a child

Ans she’s right she shouldn’t remove the kids from school, much easier for him to move.

As for the house, then he can decide if he wishes to draw up something to protect his deposit. Did you and your husband do this when you bought, or was it equal input?

I’d urge you to make friends and welcome her, because you stand to loose a lot if you don’t.

She is putting her children first which is the right thing to do as they are settled at school etc

@RootyT00t

'Why is a woman expecting a man to move in and support her daughter and her children any less invested than OP is?'

Do you honestly not get why an ADULT partner of an ADULT man should have more of a say in whether her partner moves in with her than his mum? Jeez, if you have sons I feel very sorry for any girlfriends they might have.

They’ve been together 2.5 years. If I were his GF, I’d be telling him to shit or get off the pot.

He loves her and he loves her children. He is 29 years old and intelligent enough to have a 50k a year job.

Just advise him about what the joint ownership means and then you support his relationship, you make his GF and her children welcome. If not, you will actually be the one responsible for cutting off your son.

@happytoday73

Suggest he rents out his house and moves in with her. They can look at joint house when get married... I'd just limit myself to that to hopefully keep him financially secure. You need to let him follow his heart or he will resent you.. leave him to it

Absolutely agree with this idea. He isn't risking the property he worked hard for and this gives him an option to return to if it doesn't work out. If it does work out, he can still keep as an investment in his name or sell on...

@Rachie1973

Jeez. As the mother of 3 grown men (not children btw) I will be eternally grateful to my own wonderful late MIL who taught me to be a MIL

I listen.

I don’t offer unsolicited advice.
I try to think about how I would feel if my DIL is upset at my son and I were in her position.
I give them space.
I expect them to put their wives and children (AND step kids for some of them) before me.

Just because I gave birth to them doesn’t mean I get to tell them how to live their lives. I am here for mopping up tears when things go wrong, and invariably sometimes things do go wrong, and for celebrating when things go right.

Exactly this. I try to do this with my grown-up sons too. Never force them to make a choice, because it won't be you I am afraid.

Think back to your serious relationships...would you you have taken parental advice to bin them?

Obviously, things happen that worry us as mothers, but unless they ask for advice I don't give it. I let them know that I am here if they need me, but I do not interfere. It can be hard but they are not children any more.

Why doesn't he let his 4 bed home out and move in with her? Why does she want him to sell to buy a house with her and put all his money into it. The fact they've split up numerous times in 2 years screeches big mistake! Your son is an adult as well, he has to learn from mistakes and this one will cost him dearly. I'd suggest renting and living with her for 6 months to him. See how it goes if they manage 6 months without breaking up that is.

@Stompythedinosaur

Of course the partner without dc moves to the parent that does so the dc's lives aren't disrupted. It's bizarre that you want your ds to be the sort of person who would prioritise his social life over his stepkid's well being.

I don't think that's necessarily the best option.

What if the partner without children earns the considerably higher wage and there are no like jobs in the area the partner with children lives in? What if the partner with children has a job that can be done anywhere but the partner without children has a specialised job that only exists in a few locations?

I think the only thing you can to is strongly advise him not to agree 50/50 on the deeds when she is only putting up 20% of the deposit.

If she refuses then he know’s she is gold digging fannylodger who is using him to get on the property ladder.

My eldest child is 18 and has left home, living hundreds of miles away at university. She has been with her BF for 2 1/2 years but they don't yet live together. If and when she does decide to move in with him or anyone else, that is absolutely none of my business. And she's 18. And she's already left home and moved somewhere where she didn't know anybody and wait for it not only survived but flourished.

We still have a great relationship. I don't need to control her and who she is in relationships with and where she lives in order for that to happen. The opposite.

Should she ever have a failed relationship with children, I really hope she never gets together with a man who cannot commit to her because of his effing mother.

Imagine if it was your 29 year old daughter you were talking about?
“My daughter has two dc who are settled in school, but her BF of 2.5 years just won’t commit because he doesn’t want to leave the town where his school friends live. His mother is putting pressure on him to stay put. What should she do?”

@RootyT00t

'If it was a man saying move in with me or il find someone else the replies would be very different.'

There often are threads like this both ways (posted by the participants rather than the mother) and posters are v often advised to move on if the other partner won't commit.

[quote nostaples]@RootyT00t

'If it was a man saying move in with me or il find someone else the replies would be very different.'

There often are threads like this both ways (posted by the participants rather than the mother) and posters are v often advised to move on if the other partner won't commit.[/quote]
My point is, her children do not give her carte Blanche that he moves otherwise he's the arsehole.

I really don't see it.

@yearinyearout that's excellent. Really puts in in perspective.

I'd say 9/10 posters would tell her to offer an ultimatum and end the relationship if he didn't commit.

But how incredibly sad if a good relationship was ruined because the man wouldn't commit because of the influence of his mother.

He's 29! You are being very unreasonable.

[quote nostaples]@RootyT00t

'Why is a woman expecting a man to move in and support her daughter and her children any less invested than OP is?'

Do you honestly not get why an ADULT partner of an ADULT man should have more of a say in whether her partner moves in with her than his mum? Jeez, if you have sons I feel very sorry for any girlfriends they might have.[/quote]
Again, nothing like what I said. If you're going to attack at least read it.

My point was aimed at someone who said that they would expect a man to move in and support their adult daughter. Which makes them no different from OP.

So there was no adult PARTNERS INVOLVED.

The vitriol is strong today. Do you honestly think you have any right to have any opinion on any of my son's girlfriends? What a strange place MN can be.

It’s entirely his choice but given the set up I would imagine she will fall pregnant very soon.

His solicitor will discuss how the property is purchased and any division of funds upon any sale. I work in conveyancing and we discuss this at the outset of the transaction so the buyers have time to think it through properly and get a Declaration of Trust drawn up.

@RootyT00t

You don't see why a woman with children would want to keep them in school and continue to get support from her parents who live locally?

And that this trumps the desire of a 29 year old single man whose mother wants him to stay close to her?

Even when it's unlikely the GF and children could move in with him as it is because he's living in accommodation for a single man so he'd have to move anyway?

You really don't get that?

Are you often lacking in empathy? Or is it back to the double standards thing?

You’re too involved in his life. You need to let him be free or he will struggle finding anyone at this rate. Not many women find men with overbearing and over involved mothers attractive.

He’s 29. Let him go.