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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:
TheyIsMyFamily · 14/02/2021 16:12

@nostaples

I'll go first.

I contributed about 30% to my property. I am on the deeds 50/50

I imagine you're married and fully committed to each other.

It sounds like they're just moving in together to see how it goes ... that's different.

Emmylou292 · 14/02/2021 16:12

I think as hard as it is, you have to set back and let him make his own decisions. You can give him advice, but if he doesn't take it then there is not a lot you can do unfortunately and the last thing you want to do is risk driving him away completely.

I an completely understand why his partner doesn't want to uproot the children.

I don't have a lot of experience though as my adult son is in a Residential Care Home and has the mind of a baby.
I would give anything for him to be out here in the big wide world making his own choices and living independently.
It has made me appreciate things a whole lot more.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 16:12

[quote nostaples]**@RootyT00t do you honestly not think it's fairly typical to move in together when you've been with someone for 2 2/1 years?

Out of interest, have you lived with a partner and if so, would you have been OK if somebody has asked your partner that question, 'Why does he/ she need to commit to @RootyT00t by moving?'

I bought a house with my partner after we'd been together for less than a year, admittedly we'd rented for 6 months first. He was always the higher wage earner. But I'd have been surprised and angry if anybody had queried our decision.

Is this thread showing that some mums have completely unreasonable expectations for their son's partners, which are also double standards.

If the son's GF was your daughter would you be fine with the fact that her partner of 2 1/2 years was not committing and not offering to pay more of the home they would share, proportionate to her salary. Or would you be telling her that she should be happy with the arrangement as it is? Or with a smaller share of the property she was sharing with her partner, whom she loves?[/quote]
Did you read what I said?

I said why does the fact HE hasn't moved not show commitment. Why is it on him to move? Because she's got children?

Redburnett · 14/02/2021 16:13

All you can realistically do is gently point out the potential difficulties associated with becoming stepfather to two children, along with a lifetime of dealing with his GF's ex - over holidays, arrangements to see the children, finances etc etc.
Does he really want to become responsible for and pay for another man's children?
If he has thought all this through and is happy with the situation then there is nothing you can do, but the fact they keep splitting up suggests some reservation on his part.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2021 16:13

Yeah, you sound controlling.

To those saying she is "guilt tripping" him into moving - if a woman came onto Mumsnet saying that she'd been in a 2 and a half year relationship but the man still wasn't sure if he wanted to commit to moving in, you'd all be telling her to stop wasting her time on him.

And she is being responsible mother by not wanting to uproot her children from their school and lives.

He ought to protect his finances. But why does a 29 year old need to live right near his mummy for the rest of his life? Loads of people move away from their home towns when they become adults.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Deleted as it quotes a deleted post

Viviennemary · 14/02/2021 16:14

If shes told him to either provide for her and her kids or jog on and she'll find somebody else. Surely this is a massive red flag. He needs to tell her to find another mug.

nostaples · 14/02/2021 16:14

@RootyT00t YES because she's got children who are in school presumably.

Pennethorne · 14/02/2021 16:14

If they keep splitting up they sound dysfunctional. He needs to act his age - he's not a little kid anymore breaking up with a playground girlfriend. He's an adult and needs an adult relationship, which involves less splitting up and less demands he move in with her (ie: she wants half his house.)

There's nothing the OP can do, but it doesn't mean this sounds like a beautiful love story.

parrotonmyshoulder · 14/02/2021 16:15

@nostaples

I was quoting a PP! Not my belief at all and yes, very strange!

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 16:16

[quote nostaples]@RootyT00t YES because she's got children who are in school presumably.[/quote]
Ah.

And that means he must move his whole life , to somewhere he knows no one , to someone he's been on off with. And anyone suggesting this could be a problem gets the level of vitriol thrown at OP. Right.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2021 16:16

@RootyT00t yes, as the one with no ties then he should be the one to move. She shouldn't have to uproot her children from their lives. They come first.

nostaples · 14/02/2021 16:16

@TheyIsMyFamily

'I imagine you're married and fully committed to each other.

It sounds like they're just moving in together to see how it goes ... that's different.'

How odd.

I WAS married to my now ex dh but when I moved in with him we'd been together to a house we jointly owned we'd been together for less than a year.

Would you not agree that this is a fairly common scenario?

Mummaofboys93 · 14/02/2021 16:17

You either haven't given you full story on their relationship or you're way too involved? Your son is nearly a 30 year old man?! My partner is 25 & honestly if I had been with him as long as your son & his partner have been together & he was saying he isn't ready to move in with me & I lived 2 hours away I'd say the same thing! She has children in school, her family may be her support system if you're saying the father isn't involved with her children, what about her job? She may have to leave if she was to move closer to you ect. Your son has you close by & friends?! He can still come & visit, he isn't moving across the other side of the world?! & even if he was he is nearly 30??!! I'd be so put off a bloke if I knew his mum was involved the way you are in his business? You need to cut the apron strings. Let him make his own mistakes & be there to pick up the pieces if it ever falls apart.

CantBeAssed · 14/02/2021 16:17

*lolasmiles.....well said lola...a lot of posters accusing op of being controlling..
Makes you wonder how many posters insisted on 50/50 whilst contributing less...
It would be interesting to hear what the dps would anonymously say on this matter...if given chanceWink

GreenlandTheMovie · 14/02/2021 16:17

@nostaples

So, you have to be stunning with a fantastic personality for a man to love you and want to move in with you after you've been together for 2 1/2 years?

If you have children?

Does that work for men in the same boat too?

What are you saying @GreenlandTheMovie?

Who would have thought some of the most outdated sexist drivel I've ever seen would be on this thread.

Presumably the women who are anti the son's girlfriend don't have daughters.

Absolutely. No way would I move in with a man with 2 children and a part time job, and provide 4 x as much mortgage deposit as him.
RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 16:17

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@RootyT00t yes, as the one with no ties then he should be the one to move. She shouldn't have to uproot her children from their lives. They come first.[/quote]
I see.

woodhill · 14/02/2021 16:17

I wouldn't like it if my ds did the same. Ideally OP probably wants someone who has no dc already for her son and with her own property and career which is perfectly understandable imo.

reader12 · 14/02/2021 16:17

The plan sounds perfectly sensible. He could always rent out his house for a year instead of selling straight away. But a move In with someone he lives who lives 2 hours away is not a disaster and you need to back off, let him make his own decisions and live your own life.

passtheorange · 14/02/2021 16:19

@lydia2021

That's not a relationship. It's coming across as coercion. If you dont do ,this, this and that. You will lose me forever. There really are some men as well as women who are led by the ..... other poster said rent his place out. Move in... see how it goes first. We have a Male relative in similar circumstances. He looks sad and broken. Whatever it is , it certainly isn't love our male relative is suffering.
I don't think so.

I think she's reached the end of her tether and has decided that he needs to make a commitment one way or the other. Which seems fair enough to me.

dividedwefall · 14/02/2021 16:19

It doesn't sound like she is controlling him. And if he wants to settle down that means he will mostly give up the spontaneity in his life, like all grown ups do eventually. I can see you are probably disappointed that he is committing to a divorcee with two children, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

It is not uncommon for mothers of sons to have the feelings you do towards the women their sons choose. It's a story as old as the hills and often ends in the said son cutting ties or at least reducing them to his family. Obviously this will just cement for you the feeling that she is isolating him from his family, as if this grown up man can't think for himself and still needs his mum to make his decisions.

You see her as controlling him because she has influence on his decisions, but that's what happens in couples that are going to commit to each other. Take my advice, and the advice of millions of daughters-in-law and ex-daughters-in-law from history and welcome this lady into your family with open arms. Trust me when I say no good will come of your hostility towards this young lady that you do not know.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/02/2021 16:19

Of course the partner without dc moves to the parent that does so the dc's lives aren't disrupted. It's bizarre that you want your ds to be the sort of person who would prioritise his social life over his stepkid's well being.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 16:20

[quote nostaples]@parrotonmyshoulder when you say 'I wouldn’t want that for any of my children either.'

Do you mean if you had a daughter with children from a relationship that had broken down then you wouldn't expect another man to move in with her and help support her?

Because, that's quite a strange POV if you do have a daughter.[/quote]
Why is a woman expecting a man to move in and support her daughter and her children any less invested than OP is?

TinyCake · 14/02/2021 16:20

If you give him any financial gifts you could always save them for solicitor's fees if it goes wrong or a wedding if it goes well. I hope it goes well.

RootyT00t · 14/02/2021 16:21

If it was a man saying move in with me or il find someone else the replies would be very different.

OP , I'm sorry you got such a pile on. Totally uncalled for.