Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

I get where your coming from. Urge him to not sell his house yet and give it six months.

But back off a bit. You don’t want to start a war with her. They may go on to have a baby and you will get cut out.

Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing.

This is unbelievable. Your son has chosen to make a commitment to a woman who has two children. Your son is not being 'isolated from you' as you choose to put it and it must be perfectly clear that he is choosing to give up spontaneity in order to move his relationship on with her. I can see this ending up with you being frozen out altogether if you don't change.

You are being beyond unreasonable. He is 29. He has decided to live together with his girlfriend of 2.5 years, who he is madly in love with. They have decided to live in her area ( only 2 hours away, not the other side of the world) presumably mainly because she has 2 school aged children and he doesn't! Yes he may have to give up his "spontaneous" life - that's what happens when you grow up and form a family. This all sounds perfectly normal and reasonable and none of your business.

'Most of us can't get a man in his thirties to commit to us enough to put our relationship status as boyfriend and girlfriend on FB, never mind support us and our 2 children from a previous relationship and buy the majority of a family sized house to live in!

She must be stunning, and have a fantastic personality, and make him feel very secure.'

Can you see the double standards at work here? I'm quite shocked TBH

Oh God. I pity the girlfriend in this scenario.

You're worried about him not being around his friend group from school? Have none of them moved away or settled down? They will soon if not and you'll have your son safe in his hometown while they've all moved on.

His choice to be in a relationship with a woman who has children, and it makes sense for her not to uproot them. He has no similar strings attached - and he's not a child however you appear to view him.

Making him feel like he's a special boy and much better than his gf won't do him any favours either, whether he sticks with this relationship or starts another.

The girlfriend probably thinks the same about you, wonders why you’re so controlling over a grown man.

@Nocares

Just be there to pick up the pieces if it falls apart .

You can't stop it but you can be there as a listening ear.

There is literally nothing you can do other than voice your concerns for him to consider and then support him either way even if it goes against your advice. Hes an adult. Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them, a part of life.

YANBU ^^ And protect his finances. Could he move near her, not IN with her. Even if it meant renting for awhile. It’s a lot to take on. Work colleagues son, very well off, partner pushed to move in. She married him then she had an affair and now wants him out so he has moved out. He’s now back with his parents whilst she lives in his house with her kids, because covid etc and her new partner lives there too! Insanity!!!!!!

The 50/50 on the deeds despite v different financial contributions would raise alarm bells with me. It’s also far too soon to buy together when they haven’t even lived together - he really might not enjoy living with 2 kids!
I agree.
I'd be slightly suspicious of someone wanting to have 50/50 split of assets when they're not putting anywhere close to 50% into the asset, especially when they seem to be quite pushy about it.
If they had children together then fair enough because there's logic behind one partner working more and the other being part time in a way that facilitates the whole household, but pushing for a man to pull your lifestyle and living situation up whilst you continue working part time would be a red flag to me.

Despite this, you can't get too involved in the relationship. I'd suggest he draws any property up to protect his investments and, if you are genuinely close to him, remind him that unless he wants to find himself with a 'surprise' baby on the way he needs to be responsible for himself.

I think the Tenants in Common split plus the rental his own house idea suggested unthread are good suggestions for you to make, other than that, you have to let him fly OP.

Just make him aware of what he will lose, cautiously.

Are you looking forward to being a step dad?
Gosh, look at you ready to settle down and start a new life away from friends and family? Do you plan to meet up with friends if you have baby sitters etc.
You know the thing.
Sometimes chipping away like this, just making small talk is all that's needed to stop them making a huge mistake.
I'm not suggesting he is btw, but all you can do at this stage of parenting is show an interest and make them aware. Then be prepared to pick up the pieces.

You love him and you’re worried he’s making a mistake. That’s understandable.

He’s a grown man, he makes his own choices. Trust in the man you raised, and let him know you’re always there for him. Definitely don’t criticise the partner he’s chosen or you will damage the relationship between him and you.

My MIL did this to my DH. So he just stopped phoning. Took several years for them to get their relationship back on track, and it was all so avoidable.

So, you have to be stunning with a fantastic personality for a man to love you and want to move in with you after you've been together for 2 1/2 years?

If you have children?

Does that work for men in the same boat too?

What are you saying @GreenlandTheMovie?

Who would have thought some of the most outdated sexist drivel I've ever seen would be on this thread.

Presumably the women who are anti the son's girlfriend don't have daughters.

@RootyT00t

I'm surprised at responses - why does he need to commit to her by moving? I get thw children thing but why is it her way or no way?

I do agree with PP that this is blatantly about you wanting to keep the set up you have of you all nearby though.

Because with a 2 hour commute and work and kids, how often are they actually seeing each other? Late 20s, a couple of years in I'd expect more than three weekends in four and one done in the week! My friends lived a similar distance and cohabited early on for the same reason. No kids but the "if we're going to make it work we need to actually be together, not date weekends"

Judging by some of the nasty remarks you are receiving are we to assume that a lot of posters believe that when your children reach a certain age you are to automatically stop caring or give a fk if you suspect someone may have alternative motives
Thread carefully, you ds wont qant to hear anything negative but given that he has delayed moving in with gf he has some doubts or suspicions...the fact gf has stated 50/50 i would say this is a massive red flag...advise him to rent his own house, other than that i cant see what else you can do op..good luck

@Suzi888 do you contribute 50% to your own property? If not, should we also be suspicious of you?

You sound very controlling and overinvested.

I once had a partner whose mother was hugely over-involved in his friendship group, right down to inviting them over without asking him. It was utterly horrible and contributed to our break-up.

Why are you so involved with his friends from school too?? That's a bit odd. Sorry.

Today 14:23 funinthesun19

Yanbu. I wouldn’t want that for any of my children either. Having been a person who has been with someone with children, I know just how HARD it is and how much restricts and spoil your life. So it’s a life I really hope none of my children choose when they are older. Especially my daughter.

I’m very glad my stepfather, one of the very best people in my life, and in my children’s and nieces lives, didn’t see us as spoiling and restricting his life! As far as I can tell, he thinks we’re pretty close to the best things in his life too.

Hateful attitudes from some people on this thread! Many, many people become step parents, because so many relationships end - often for good reason and better outcomes.

Or it's a woman with kids who wants a half share of a house she'd never be able to afford any of on her own
I mean you're basically calling her a prostitute@MiddlesexGirl
She doesn't love the guy, isn't interested in having a family and settled life. No, she's just fucking him so he'll buy her a house. Nice.

@myson123 - Goodness, why are you controlling his life at 29 years old.
They’ve been together for 2 and a half years, she has been very reasonable to wait that long.
Their finances have nothing to do with you.
She is also not taking him away from you, you’re his mother and she is his girlfriend, huge difference there.
She is also completely reasonable not to want to move and change her children’s school, her children are her priority.

You can help him by recognising that he’s a grown up and letting him lead his life his way.
You say you think his girlfriend is controlling? Isn’t there a saying about men marrying their mothers?

Judging by some of the nasty remarks you are receiving are we to assume that a lot of posters believe that when your children reach a certain age you are to automatically stop caring or give a fk if you suspect someone may have alternative motiveshmm
If various MiL threads are anything to go by, I think some posters are of the view that as soon as a woman enters a man's life romantically he should very quickly drop his family, especially his mum. A woman being close to her mum is considered a good thing, a mum giving her adult daughter advice is considered a good thing, but if a mum and her son get on then it's pile on worthy.
Unfortunately there's some people who seem to think a man's relationship with his mum is a threat. Sadly this attitude also comes through when you read dozens of threads where posters are devastated at the idea of having a son. I've long concluded that some people are far too interested in creating power play dynamics and drama.

You sound like my soon to be in laws.

However they went one step further and offered their precious little boy money to persuade him not to follow a life of sin and unhappiness.

Unless the 29 year old has a significant learning difficulty that means he can’t be independent then leave him alone.

@parrotonmyshoulder when you say 'I wouldn’t want that for any of my children either.'

Do you mean if you had a daughter with children from a relationship that had broken down then you wouldn't expect another man to move in with her and help support her?

Because, that's quite a strange POV if you do have a daughter.

@titchy

I wonder what the responses would be if the son's dp had posted:
'AIBU to want my partner of two years to move in with me. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who are happy and settled in a nice school in a nice area. Dp's commute to work would be the same as now, but he seems reluctant even after two years to move our relationship on. As background he lives near his parents and school friends and often goes out and plays computer games with the lads he was at school with and his parents seem quite hostile to the idea of him moving. I love him though and can see my future with him.'

MN would be unanimous in saying give this man child an ultimatum!

Except you've missed out the important information of the financial gap and expectation to be 50/50 by her.

I was actually wondering what the response would be if a woman posted here saying she's a high earner, good career childfree, owns a 4 bed house, her DP has 2 kids...is a low earning part time worker and wants her to move in with him..buy a 4 bedroom house, with her contributing 50k....him 10k and she has to move to his area a couple of hours away from where she currently is.

I can't begin to imagine what she'd be told.