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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another unfaithful husband. WTAF

128 replies

Howcanthishappen · 13/02/2021 22:01

Ohhh where do I start. DH has history but this has blindsided me. He had an 'emotional' (fckin hate that term) affair three years ago but with counselling we got through it but it turned out to be more than that. He never lets his phone out of his hand but got pissed last night and left it on couch and lo and behold not just one woman messaging him but TWO. I am in total shock. We are in middle of house renovation, WFH and homeschooling. He's meeting them through his work. A fckn plumber. Such a flippin cliche. I'm so sick today. Spent day in bed with a pretend tummy upset. Im so worried about effect on kids. They are 12 & 10. I'm so sickened and I'm so angry. I don't know what I am. Mam is eldery and I'll health. Can't talk to anyone in RL as don't yet know how I'm going to do this. Am so lost and scared

OP posts:

Bouncebacker · 13/02/2021 22:05

That sucks OP - I’m so sorry

GrallaceandWomit · 13/02/2021 22:08

He’s an absolute shit OP and I’m so sorry this has happened to you

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/02/2021 22:10

So sorry you are going through this.

You need a bit of time to decide and plan your action.

maddening · 13/02/2021 22:11

Shit OP, so.sorry. Grab your evidence, grab your documentation and financial and do make your moves in your time that works for you and the kids.

Thedogscollar · 13/02/2021 22:13

Jeez that is shit OP.
For me there would be no second chances. As you say not one but two women on the go, cheeky bugger.
I'd be asking for a divorce as once the trust is gone it's gone and it's not the first time he has done this.
No doubt he will have all sorts of excuses to trot out for you but sod him he had his chance and blew it.
Get rid and rinse him for all he has, you deserve better.

Surlyburd · 13/02/2021 22:14

God op, thats awful. I'm sorry.

Take your time to think about your next move. You are going to feel raw and furious and hurt. He has let you down. I would be raging. Noone deserves to be treated like that.

Do you have your own money, own bank account etc, a job? Is that something you can do if you havent at the moment. I cant advise you to leave him, but he is the one that has broken your marriage, not you if you do decide to leave.

Original poster

Howcanthishappen · 13/02/2021 22:22

Thanks everyone. Yes I work myself and have always had my own money. It's the effect on the kids. They ADORE their dad. I'm heartbroken for them and for me

OP posts:

2021isgoingtobeasshitas2020 · 13/02/2021 22:25

So sorry op.
I can't actually believe people are carrying on affairs in lockdown.... so so selfish!!!!

1FootInTheRave · 13/02/2021 22:30

I think you need to divorce.

You gave him a chance 3 years ago and he blew it.

He's taking you for a mug.

Lorw · 13/02/2021 22:46

Kick him to the curb. You and your children deserve better.

Wellpark · 13/02/2021 22:47

What are they saying? Is it as incriminating as you think? I'm sorry you are going through this

Whammyyammy · 13/02/2021 23:12

He f**king around behind your back, so to be harsh but you either;

Kick him out
Carry on pretending all is ok for the kids, and let him shag these women.

grassisjeweled · 13/02/2021 23:14

I'm sorry, but are all these unfaithful men all gorgeous or what? How come all these women are hounding them? Whhhaaattt?

StealthRoast · 13/02/2021 23:18

This is shit op. I really feel for you. To have him to do this again after you already forgave him is despicable.

Without going into detail, do the messages suggest they have done more than talk? Also I’m sorry to mention that you may need to have an STI check if he has been sleeping around. He’s an absolute idiot.

Sending you a huge virtual hug

PinkiOcelot · 13/02/2021 23:22

Sorry OP. What a shit.
If you pull him up on this (I would have to) then do nothing, you are actually condoning his behaviour. You forgave him 3 years ago, you can’t again.

DNHandTNS · 13/02/2021 23:56

So sorry OP.
You say not one woman , but two?!
But covid! He's putting you all at risk besides being a cheating Bar steward!

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/02/2021 00:20

Its fairly obvious you can't depend on him, and he obviously learned nothing from the counselling. He's a serial cheat OP and this is how your life will be if you stay with him, one affair after another.

It can be an amicable split where he has access to the children, there's no reason why it has to be made into a massive drama.

Original poster

Howcanthishappen · 14/02/2021 00:24

Yeah he's attractive and knows it. He's my best friend. Together since I was 22; for 26 years. Married for 16. I feel totally adrift. I can't see a future without him

OP posts:

gaijinetal · 14/02/2021 00:45

I'm.not sure that your kids would adore him if they knew he's cheating on their Mum (which in my view is cheating on their family). I'm not suggesting telling them, just that kids aren't in the position to judge correctly when they're young & ignorant/innocent - whereas you are in the position to judge and act. Perhaps you can tell.them some she appropriate info, and perhaps the truth when they're adults.

Also he's not your best friend: friends don't betray each other, lie to each other, make the other stick to rules (like monogamy) they don't stick to themselves etc.

What you mean is you've spent shitloads of time together, bit it's just time/proximity. And you can build that up with someone else who doesn'tchest and lie. My aunt ended up.a single mum of two kids when her h cheated; she was in various relationships and single for a while but is now remarried to a great guy who is well.suited to her, good to her, and above all faithful. Incidentally she has a far better standard of living with him than she would've with her ex.

rawalpindithelabrador · 14/02/2021 00:49

He's been risking your health and your kids health fucking these women. What an arsehole! Nah, no more chances. He's had one. He'll just keep doing it.

gaijinetal · 14/02/2021 00:50

You could have a future without him. Do you really think he's going to stop, he sounds like a serial (multiple at that) philanderer and can lie to your face, and a counsellor's face.

You're in danger of sunken costs fallacy and of "I've been with him for years so I'll just stay, Im too scared of anything new/different". I bet he instinctively knows you won't leave him too - hence he feels at liberty to cheat like he is.

gaijinetal · 14/02/2021 00:53

Maybe you should focus on the fact that he's not the only man on the planet; because he certainly focuses (and acts on) the fact that you're not the only woman.

DavidsSchitt · 14/02/2021 00:55

"He's my best friend."

He's literally your worst friend.

"He had an 'emotional' (fckin hate that term) affair three years ago but with counselling we got through it but it turned out to be more than that."

Yep. He bullshitted his way out of that one and carried on regardless. You've caught him with three other women so far! Three! That's just the ones you know about.

Your kids will respect you for sparing them the nightmare of living through their teenage years knowing their parents are having therapy and can't stand each other.

This man is not your friend.

NoKingDingaLingTitsInAbsentia · 14/02/2021 01:23

He fooled you once. Now it's time for you to walk away and get what you deserve out of life, not what scraps he decides to give you. What an absolute tit. Stay strong, don't let him talk you back from this.

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 14/02/2021 01:25

Jesus OP

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