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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another unfaithful husband. WTAF

128 replies

Howcanthishappen · 13/02/2021 22:01

Ohhh where do I start. DH has history but this has blindsided me. He had an 'emotional' (fckin hate that term) affair three years ago but with counselling we got through it but it turned out to be more than that. He never lets his phone out of his hand but got pissed last night and left it on couch and lo and behold not just one woman messaging him but TWO. I am in total shock. We are in middle of house renovation, WFH and homeschooling. He's meeting them through his work. A fckn plumber. Such a flippin cliche. I'm so sick today. Spent day in bed with a pretend tummy upset. Im so worried about effect on kids. They are 12 & 10. I'm so sickened and I'm so angry. I don't know what I am. Mam is eldery and I'll health. Can't talk to anyone in RL as don't yet know how I'm going to do this. Am so lost and scared

OP posts:
StarCourt · 14/02/2021 01:26

It seems he's a serial cheat OP

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 01:28

I take it he doesn’t know that you know yet ?
What do you want to do next Op ? Apart from wring his neck.

Weenurse · 14/02/2021 01:43

Some men think that because you tried to mend the marriage the first time around, that you won’t leave no matter what they do.
Only you can decide what you want your future to look like.
Just be aware that him as a faithful husband, is not a likely outcome.

Marinaloves · 14/02/2021 02:06

Just move this to relationships
Mnhq will help
And people never change

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/02/2021 02:43

What a scumbag.

But @Howcanthishappen - you need to adjust your thoughts on this - he is NOT your "best friend". A best friend does not do this to their best friend, they just don't.
He might be your number one, but you clearly aren't HIS.

I'm so sorry - I don't know how you carry on through this, especially at the moment.

Just disgusting behaviour on his part.

Nandakanda · 14/02/2021 02:54

Has there been any actual infidelity?

Have I missed something somewhere? He's been messaging two women - is this now considered to constitute an affair? What is an "emotional affair" anyway? Is that the same as fancying someone or having a crush (incidentally considered fairly normal on mn).

Excuse my failure to join your lynch mob, but from what you have described so far, there is no evidence of any actual infidelity, but a lot of adding two and two and getting twenty.

Apologies if I've failed to grasp something - you are obviously quite distressed.

Taikoo · 14/02/2021 02:57

Divorce really is the only sane option here.

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 03:19

@Nandakanda I’m sure you can have a good guess at what an emotional affair is www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091

The Ops partner has already cheated on her and he is now messaging other women and I doubt it’s swapping recipes for banana bread .

AgentProvocateur · 14/02/2021 03:40

With friends like that, you don’t need enemies. You should get an STI test as soon as possible and speak to a lawyer.

PurpleM · 14/02/2021 03:45

Even if its just flirty messages being exchanged as entertaining ego rub for him, it still shows huge disrespect for the OP, knowing the hurt and damage it caused to the relationship previously. Infidelity really messes with self-esteem & trust in general.Flowers

Can co-parent & be friends out of a relationship.

CattyCactus · 14/02/2021 03:45

@NoKingDingaLingTitsInAbsentia

He fooled you once. Now it's time for you to walk away and get what you deserve out of life, not what scraps he decides to give you. What an absolute tit. Stay strong, don't let him talk you back from this.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me

The leopard hasn’t changed his spots.
So what do you want your future to look like? (You said you couldn’t see your future without him). But a future with him, still cheating?

Nat6999 · 14/02/2021 03:47

Do your detective work, get all your financial evidence, copies of tax returns, payslips bank statements, make sure you have your & dc birth certificates, passports etc, get as much cash as you can in your own sole bank account, use cashback at supermarket, if you need anything new at home, get it ASAP. Once you have everything sorted kick him out & screw him financially, once he has gone, change the locks. Could you get rid of him once the dc are back at school, kick him out while they are at school to give them as little disruption as possible, if he shows off threaten him that you will tell dc when they are older exactly what he has been doing.

Bookwords · 14/02/2021 05:29

I've no wise words, sorry. But ThanksThanks for you.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2021 05:44

You don't have to divorce him. You don't even have to let him know you know. You h ace the luxury of time to think about what you want. Best in mind though that one of these flings could end up being "the one, " and he may take the decision to leave you.

Original poster
Howcanthishappen · 14/02/2021 06:18

He knows I know. Rowed all day yesterday. Drank way too much wine last night and had a huge row. Kia know something is up. My daughter caught me crying in bed. How can I get through this. Can't even get away for a bit of headspace with Covid. My head is going to explode. He's saying his usual shit. Just a bit of texting. Nothing physical is happening. I even know one of the women. I'm in such a mess.

OP posts:
Bookwords · 14/02/2021 06:20

@Howcanthishappen gosh this sounds awful, I'm sorry.

Can you get him to leave, I know Covid etc, but surely this comes under domestic disputes and could easily escalate into physical arguments.

Landlubber2019 · 14/02/2021 06:23

I am sorry, he really is a tool.

I know you can't imagine a future without this man, but does the future you envisage include a plethora of other women, if not it should because that is the reality of your future together. Your best friend hurt you 3 years ago, you got past it but for him to hurt you with 2 more suggests you are not his priority, get yourself protected emotionally and don't allow him to destroy your mental health any longer. Get yourself together and get out

Landlubber2019 · 14/02/2021 06:30

Just read your update, i would be telling the kids what's off, I wouldn't be slating him or using them as an emotional crutch but I would be factual and honest regarding his betrayal. This may be devastating but the rows, excessive drinking, tears will be as devastating for them.Flowers

Midwife1997 · 14/02/2021 07:12

I’ve been where you are now. You deserve better than this. My girls were the same age as yours. No need to bad mouth him to them. In time they will see you as a strong woman who did what had to be done. You will come through this. PM me if it would help.

Midwife

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/02/2021 07:31

He sounds like a arrogant narcissist who expects you will forgive him. You deserve better than this OP!

Seatime · 14/02/2021 07:52

Save the evidence and show people. Talk to people. Don't deal with this alone. Your kids will know you are upset, be honest with them, as is age appropriate. Don't keep his secrets, it will haunt you and your kids, if you do. You need to build up your confidence. You don't deserve to be abused like this. And no he is not attractive, he is a lying piece of shit. Appearances can be deceptive.

tensmum1964 · 14/02/2021 08:11

Sorry you are going through this. Sadly he isn't your best friend he is someone who clearly has no respect for you or his children. It's time to seriously reevaluate your situation and not give him any further chances. It doesn't sound like his behaviour will ever change.

Figgygal · 14/02/2021 08:14

Kick his arse out op
He must think he’s gods gift

tensmum1964 · 14/02/2021 08:16

@Nandakanda

Has there been any actual infidelity?

Have I missed something somewhere? He's been messaging two women - is this now considered to constitute an affair? What is an "emotional affair" anyway? Is that the same as fancying someone or having a crush (incidentally considered fairly normal on mn).

Excuse my failure to join your lynch mob, but from what you have described so far, there is no evidence of any actual infidelity, but a lot of adding two and two and getting twenty.

Apologies if I've failed to grasp something - you are obviously quite distressed.

Absolutely ridiculous statements. I suspect. You are a man and a cheating one at that. If not you are clearly a woman with no self respect and very possibly a low self esteem.
RuggeryBuggery · 14/02/2021 08:23

@tensmum1964 what?
So if someone has a slightly different opinion they’re a man or a woman with low self esteem?
I’m with @Nandakanda on this and I’m neither of the above!

Just think there is quite a range from some flirty messaging to physical infidelity and it would make a difference to me, I think.
But also appreciate that here even if it appears “just” texting there could well be Kristi it.