Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Another unfaithful husband. WTAF

128 replies

Howcanthishappen · 13/02/2021 22:01

Ohhh where do I start. DH has history but this has blindsided me. He had an 'emotional' (fckin hate that term) affair three years ago but with counselling we got through it but it turned out to be more than that. He never lets his phone out of his hand but got pissed last night and left it on couch and lo and behold not just one woman messaging him but TWO. I am in total shock. We are in middle of house renovation, WFH and homeschooling. He's meeting them through his work. A fckn plumber. Such a flippin cliche. I'm so sick today. Spent day in bed with a pretend tummy upset. Im so worried about effect on kids. They are 12 & 10. I'm so sickened and I'm so angry. I don't know what I am. Mam is eldery and I'll health. Can't talk to anyone in RL as don't yet know how I'm going to do this. Am so lost and scared

OP posts:

helpmum2003 · 14/02/2021 08:23

OP I would end the relationship now. If it continues there will clearly be more cheating. It would be better for your children to end it now rather than to have a mess going on all through their teens, GCSEs, etc, etc

RuggeryBuggery · 14/02/2021 08:23

*more to it

Original poster

Howcanthishappen · 14/02/2021 08:26

I'm 100% sure there's physical relationships going on. He fckn lives himself and is a sex obsessed arshehole. Can't understand why I'm not always up for it. I work, do all house stuff plus 90% of looking after the kids. He is working on our house extension at moment. We are in mobile home beside house. You really couldn't make up how this is the worst time possible. Thanks everyone for taking the time to write back to me. It really does help x

OP posts:

utterfailureasamum · 14/02/2021 08:29

Him being a good dad is not a reason to stay if he is a terrible partner. He can continue to be a good dad even when he is no longer your partner.

They may only be messages... may.... but if one of the women indicated she was up for it, I'm not sure he would say no.

You deserve better than this. And better then all the anxiety that will come if you decided to try and move past it.

fuzzymoon · 14/02/2021 08:33

I'm so sorry.
This is terrible timing but there's no going back or putting it on hold.
Try not to engage in rows and ask him not to shout.
He's done what he's done. That's it. It shows that he has no respect for you and also no respect for the family.
He may say this has nothing to do with your children but doing something that will split the family does. That he is setting an example of how fathers / husbands behave and that is what your children will think is acceptable when they are adults.
Leaving him will show your children that you will not accept being abused and badly treated. Your children will see that.
You are not splitting the family , he is.
I don't see how you can become a trusting , happy relationship after this.

Ilovebigmacs · 14/02/2021 08:35

It's just texting? So you can 'just text' two men in the tone and about the things he was texting two women about? He wouldn't mind?

tensmum1964 · 14/02/2021 08:39

[quote RuggeryBuggery]@tensmum1964 what?
So if someone has a slightly different opinion they’re a man or a woman with low self esteem?
I’m with @Nandakanda on this and I’m neither of the above!

Just think there is quite a range from some flirty messaging to physical infidelity and it would make a difference to me, I think.
But also appreciate that here even if it appears “just” texting there could well be Kristi it.[/quote]
So you really think that secretly texting "flirty messages" to other women is ok in a marriage is ok and not infidelity? It is absolutely infidelity and more importantly you are buying in to the often male excuse that of a bit of harmless flirting is ok and doesn't constitute betrayal. This man has form for this and is now secretly...yes secretly, not openly, texting two other women. It is irrelevant that he supposedly hasn't met the women in person and had a sexual relationship. What are women to do, hang on a wait around for them to go that far? It saddens me that some women appear to minimise this and I do absolutely feel that this could be due to no self respect and or low self esteem. Why else would a woman stay with a man that does this to her.

NeverWillIEver · 14/02/2021 08:41

You need to leave him.

Don't let him make a fool of you again.

AMK42 · 14/02/2021 08:42

So dreadfully sorry. It happened to me after 30 years of marriage. I gave him a chance, he blew it. Divorced him. Horrible at the time, but far happier now than i’ve been for years. Your children are much younger than mine were, but divorce doesn’t mean they won’t see their father. Far better for them to learn now that cheating and lying is wrong, otherwise they’ll grow up to be no better than he is. If men think they can get away with lying and cheating they’ll go on doing so.

RandomMess · 14/02/2021 08:44

Nsky · 14/02/2021 08:49

I’m sorry this has happened to you, tho the women have enabled him, I texted them back and enlighten them, just deserts.
If he effectively is dumped by them, karma.
Get rid please

31RooCambon · 14/02/2021 08:54

oh no that sounds awful. The worst time ever to discover this.

Detach from caring what he does mentally. I know you say the kids adore him but you matter too.

You can tell them what happened ''Dad was using his job to meet women and he was having relationships with them. This doesn't mean he loves you less but it does show that he doesn't love me''.

You can get through this when the time is right.

I'd let him finish the house and then tell him you don't find him attractive. He does sound like he loves himself. Tell him you've gone off him. Then you can tell him the porn plot sleazing on to customers who need their damp spots looked at has turned you off.

Eurgh.

Marley20 · 14/02/2021 08:56

I'm so sorry, what a shit. He's had his second chance though hasn't he and he's fucked it up. You even went to counseling with him, doing it again won't help now. He won't change, you know what you need to do. Good luck and hugs xx

Marley20 · 14/02/2021 08:59

Although how long will the house renovation take? Would be good to get it done before you kick him out if you can bear it!

31RooCambon · 14/02/2021 09:00

Just read that you know one of the women.

What an arse he is. Really. There is nothing lower. Because it's not just cheating it's actively humiliating you as well.

I know you're stuck in a mobile home but get him to finish the house so it can be sold.

Maybe he will be motivated to finish the house quickly to sell it and get his share.

If you've been together 26 years since you're 16 then this is going to be hard but you WILL get through it. yOU'RE only 42 right? LIfe is easier when you're not trying to keep a dog on the porch.

user1471538283 · 14/02/2021 09:02

Whilst this is horrific it is good that he has under estimated you. He thinks you believe the emotional affair thing. So you've got time to get everything together.

He is not your friend and pretty soon no doubt he will be acting either cold or the injured party

yearinyearout · 14/02/2021 09:11

You can never trust him again can you? You say he's your best friend and you can't imagine life without him but do you really want to carry on living like that? No doubt he will deny it all and even if you decide to forgive him this time you'll forever be wondering, trying to check his phone etc. It's no life.

addicted2spaniels · 14/02/2021 09:33

You'll never ever trust him. Not for one second. Every single moment, this will be there at the back of your mind.

No one deserves that for a future.

He had a chance to repair the damage the 1st time, he knows what it did to you, but he's doing it again. He doesn't love or respect you, sorry to be brutal. You're worth more

oakleaffy · 14/02/2021 09:35

@Howcanthishappen
So sorry this is happening.

There was a another thread on here about a 'Flirty husband' that was deleted as MNHQ deemed it to be faked.

How can anyone waste time by faking when real relationship breakdowns are so common, and so utterly painful?

Ugh, men and their sex drives.

''Bromide in the tea'' may be an old trope, but so few men can stick to just one woman.

All sense goes out of the window.

Silly sods.

Mamagotskills · 14/02/2021 09:39

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. Do you have a sibling or friend you can confide in? How long till extension will be complete?

RaidersoftheLostAardvark · 14/02/2021 09:45

From a practical point of view I would be tempted to get the house renovation done to a livable/saleable standard, whilst quietly sorting out things to divorce him (financials, personal belongings etc.). From a personal vindictive point of view I would be sooo tempted to shop him to both women (who probably don't know about each other, or you), and possibly the police for breach of Covid rules. But don't do that, the fallout would be terrible. Maybe just imagine it. Or later sell your story to Take a Break. Bide your time, sort the house, cut yourself off emotionally then get rid.

maddening · 14/02/2021 09:45

Put the 2 ow in touch with each other, get a covid test and sti test. Dh should not be living with you and the kids if he is mixing socially as he is risking your health!

DNHandTNS · 14/02/2021 09:49

Awesome idea @Maddening What hes done must be literally criminal.

PeriM · 14/02/2021 09:54

If he felt the same way about you he wouldn’t do these things to you

Lovemusic33 · 14/02/2021 09:59

Agree with others, kick him out. He can be a good father without being with you, he’s obviously not that great of a father if he feels he has to cheat on the mother of his children.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread