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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another unfaithful husband. WTAF

128 replies

Howcanthishappen · 13/02/2021 22:01

Ohhh where do I start. DH has history but this has blindsided me. He had an 'emotional' (fckin hate that term) affair three years ago but with counselling we got through it but it turned out to be more than that. He never lets his phone out of his hand but got pissed last night and left it on couch and lo and behold not just one woman messaging him but TWO. I am in total shock. We are in middle of house renovation, WFH and homeschooling. He's meeting them through his work. A fckn plumber. Such a flippin cliche. I'm so sick today. Spent day in bed with a pretend tummy upset. Im so worried about effect on kids. They are 12 & 10. I'm so sickened and I'm so angry. I don't know what I am. Mam is eldery and I'll health. Can't talk to anyone in RL as don't yet know how I'm going to do this. Am so lost and scared

OP posts:

supersop60 · 14/02/2021 11:15

@grassisjeweled

I'm sorry, but are all these unfaithful men all gorgeous or what? How come all these women are hounding them? Whhhaaattt?

OP has a DH problem. Nothing to do with women hounding married men. It's the men who don't set boundaries. OP - so sorry this has happened - listen to the wise people on here.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/02/2021 11:20

So you really think that secretly texting "flirty messages" to other women is ok in a marriage is ok and not infidelity? It is absolutely infidelity and more importantly you are buying in to the often male excuse that of a bit of harmless flirting is ok and doesn't constitute betrayal.

It certainly is!

And arguably worse than a drunken fumble in a cupboard at the office Christmas party.

It's deceitful, long-term and deliberate.

BillMasheen · 14/02/2021 11:31

He fckn lives himself and is a sex obsessed arshehole. Can't understand why I'm not always up for it. I work, do all house stuff plus 90% of looking after the kids

Mate, I’m sorry but he is NOT your best friend.

billy1966 · 14/02/2021 11:31

He sounds so sleezy.

He IS unfaithful to the whole family.

How awful but you don't sound that surprised.

You know exactly who he is.

He's not worth your tears.

Focus on your children and their future.

Please get support IRL.

Tara336 · 14/02/2021 11:41

I’d have got their numbers and dropped them a text introducing yourself as his wife and ask them to explain themselves, forward a copy of the text to him and watch his face when he realises he’s been caught again. Utter prick he is, I’m so sorry.

HitchFlix · 14/02/2021 11:56

I’d have got their numbers and dropped them a text introducing yourself as his wife and ask them to explain themselves

Don't do this. Keep your dignity OP. They don't have to explain themselves - the onus is on OPs husband. HE cheated on her, these women don't owe her an explanation even if their behaviour was shitty (assuming the woman you know is aware he's your husband).

Honestly staying with a serial cheat is not a life worth living. You lose all dignity and self-respect. He'll just keep on cheating as he knows you won't do anything about it and when your DC eventually find out then their respect for you will be diminished too. I hope you find the strength to leave this man before he decimates your self-esteem beyond repair. He is NOT your best friend

2ndtimemum2 · 14/02/2021 11:58

Op nothing to add but just take as much time to process it as you need. I will say this though if you forgive him this time without a shadow of a doubt he'll do it again because he knows you aren't going anywhere. He has no respect for you but you have to have respect for you...you have tried everything to make it work you gave him a second chance you went to marriage counselling.

And yes the kids will be upset any change to their life will cause upset but with the right communication and support they will be fine. You want to teach them that being treated like this is not OK and to leave an unhappy situation, lead by example. It will make you and your children happier in the long run

In all honestly if he managed to find to women during covid the liklihood was there has been more women prior to them you just didn't find out about them. I'm so sorry this has happened to you op

peboh · 14/02/2021 11:59

@Tara336

No! The blame falls solely on ops husband. He has to explain himself, not the women who he's probably sold half truths and lies to.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/02/2021 12:12

Hrft. But - effect on the kids? An awesome one. (Not immediately but a year or so down the line). If they're girls - message- we don't have to put up with this shit men dish out. If they're boys - message - treat women with respect.

Singlenotsingle · 14/02/2021 12:17

I think you need

Singlenotsingle · 14/02/2021 12:23

I think you need to cool down and consider the alternatives. You stay with him and put up with it. You chuck him out and tell him to sod off. Or maybe sit down with him and discuss how you can stay together until the dc are older. He's obviously bored and looking for fun outside the marriage. Maybe suggest that what's good for the goose.....? You will take this as his permission for you to look for fun elsewhere too? He can hardly say no, can he? You might not actually want to do it, but it will unsettle him to think that you might!

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 12:27

Maybe suggest that what's good for the goose.....? You will take this as his permission for you to look for fun elsewhere too? He can hardly say no, can he? You might not actually want to do it, but it will unsettle him to think that you might

I think this is a really bad idea, one person cheating is bad enough.

MaybeNew · 14/02/2021 12:31

It’s probably not wise but I would be tempted to screen shot some of their messages and send them to each other in a group text. I would then point out that although they do not owe me any loyalty, did they really think that a man who was prepared to cheat on his wife would be faithful to them either? And personally, I do think that their behaviour is as bad as his. Why do they think that it is acceptable or reasonable to have a relationship with a married man? It’s not and the sooner that people understand this, the better for everyone.

Singlenotsingle · 14/02/2021 12:31

FossilizedFanny - I'm not saying she should play away if she doesn't want to. But he won't like the idea that she might. It might make him think twice. And it's hardly cheating if the other person knows about it.

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 12:37

@Singlenotsingle his marriage vows didn’t make him think twice , or the fact that he knew his wife wouldn’t be happy about him cheating , I doubt a threat of doing the same and playing a silly game of tit for tat will make a blind bit of difference. He’s done this before and hasn’t learned his lesson.

Rhiannon13 · 14/02/2021 12:44

It might make him think twice.

It's a bit late for that @Singlenotsingle.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2021 12:50

@Howcanthishappen

Yeah he's attractive and knows it. He's my best friend. Together since I was 22; for 26 years. Married for 16. I feel totally adrift. I can't see a future without him

I'm so sorry for what he's doing to you and his family. Remember, he's doing it.

And best friends don't betray their friends. So he really isn't your friend at all.

If you can, start feeling the anger.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2021 12:53

@Singlenotsingle

What on earth is the point of that sort of game-playing?

Won't erase what he's done. Won't save the marriage. Won't make the OP feel better. Won't keep the family together.

(And I'll ignore the risk he's already taken in the middle of a bloody pandemic!)

Worst advice I think I've read for a while.

GabsAlot · 14/02/2021 12:56

what an arsehole

sorry hes not your best friend my best friend would never do anything to hurt me

the kids will get over it-he clearly thinks after the lat time you'll just forgive and move on

LaBellySausage · 14/02/2021 12:58

So sorry you're going through this, OP

MummytoCSJH · 14/02/2021 13:10

@SteveBrexit I am not missing anything. He made his choice re what makes him happy too. That was being a cheating wanker and ruining his family. It wasn't an unhappy marriage until HE chose to cheat. He could've left. He turned it into a drama and family issue by not doing that and cheating instead. That isn't the OPs fault His choice, as you said. A stupid one, which will affect his relationship with his children. Mum shouldn't feel guilty. He should.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2021 13:18

@Nandakanda

Has there been any actual infidelity?

Have I missed something somewhere? He's been messaging two women - is this now considered to constitute an affair? What is an "emotional affair" anyway? Is that the same as fancying someone or having a crush (incidentally considered fairly normal on mn).

Excuse my failure to join your lynch mob, but from what you have described so far, there is no evidence of any actual infidelity, but a lot of adding two and two and getting twenty.

Apologies if I've failed to grasp something - you are obviously quite distressed.

Yep. You've not grasped quite a lot.

An emotional affair is an affair with everything bar sex. So all their time/emotions/feelings/attention etc. Everything you should have with your spouse but with someone else.

And if you think him messaging other women and seeing them in their homes (during covid!) is ok...

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2021 13:20

@SteveBrexit

get your ducks in a row

so there IS a MN bingo!

Is it bad advice?

No.

Livelovebehappy · 14/02/2021 15:01

Of course DH is at fault here, but we shouldn’t minimise the behaviour too of women actually getting involved with someone who is married. That is, of course, if they are aware he is. My DH is self employed, and is no Brad Pitt, but occasionally gets someone he has done work for continuing to communicate with him in an inappropriate way. He has a woman who is messaging him at the moment, who asks him to fit a toilet seat for her, go and take a look at one of her radiators, looking at her door lock which is sticking etc etc. She has a partner who doesn’t live with her. All the above jobs are outside his skill set/occupation. No indication she will pay him. He has said no to every request. Lots of kisses on her messages. He’s not a banter sort of person, and is reserved with people he doesn’t know well. It’s difficult to know whether she is flirting with him, or just wanting freebies tbh, but I’m just pointing out that some women don’t care whether someone is attached or not and can be pretty persistent. This particular woman knows I exist as i answered the phone to her during the previous job.

Original poster

Howcanthishappen · 15/02/2021 08:20

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all the kind words and handholds. It has given me some comfort. Still all over the place but it's funny I've been here before so think I can handle it. More clear headed today. My heart breaks for the kids but I can't continue in this marriage. The house situation means I have to stick here now now. He's moved into the liveable part of house. Me n kids in mobile. They think it's cause of his snoring. Another flipping thing I had to put up with. I hope a big fcking rat eats his dick off. We are going to finish house and I'm making sure it goes into my name with kids. We have another rental property, he can have that. He can then go off and text as many women as he likes. Dreading the fallout from this with his and my family but I have time on my side to build myself up. I'm going to sign off now and concentrate on getting through this. Happy again all you lovely kind mumsnetters. It's been a lifesaver to me this weekend. XxX❤️

OP posts:

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