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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another unfaithful husband. WTAF

128 replies

Howcanthishappen · 13/02/2021 22:01

Ohhh where do I start. DH has history but this has blindsided me. He had an 'emotional' (fckin hate that term) affair three years ago but with counselling we got through it but it turned out to be more than that. He never lets his phone out of his hand but got pissed last night and left it on couch and lo and behold not just one woman messaging him but TWO. I am in total shock. We are in middle of house renovation, WFH and homeschooling. He's meeting them through his work. A fckn plumber. Such a flippin cliche. I'm so sick today. Spent day in bed with a pretend tummy upset. Im so worried about effect on kids. They are 12 & 10. I'm so sickened and I'm so angry. I don't know what I am. Mam is eldery and I'll health. Can't talk to anyone in RL as don't yet know how I'm going to do this. Am so lost and scared

OP posts:
Jasminexx · 14/02/2021 10:00

@Howcanthishappen please please leave him. My heart goes out to you. You don't deserve this, you have given him 26 years of your life and this is what he does to you for the second time. He broke your trust and bind once and he's done again not with one but two and that's if the isn't anymore in the past you don't know about. Even if you wanted to stay and work it out, realistically how could you ever trust him again? You couldn't and that would be a disaster. You can't stay with someone for the sake of the kids, I totally understand you don't want to hurt them but you also have to think of your self and your happiness and he can still be a great dad to them and they can still have the relationship they have but you deserve to be happy and be with someone who looks at you and couldn't dream of breaking your heart. I believe he loves you but he loves himself more knowing the damage he can cause yet still doing it. Please do not let yourself get old with him and look back and regret bit leaving him and letting your life pass you by. If you own half the house, finish it, sell it and move, you will also get maintance of him and he can see the kids as often as he likes. If mum is happy then the family is happy. Right now you can't I agien your life without him but trust me time is a healer and you will be fine without him and in time you will meet someone who loves you enough to not cross boundaries.

Rhiannon13 · 14/02/2021 10:07

Let him finish the house then get rid (of him obviously, not your home).

'Change' isn't something men can do, sadly. Catch them at it once and you can pretty much guarantee there have been more, especially after making them 'agree'' to counselling when the thrill of sneaking around is presumably heightened. He's just got complacent I expect, otherwise he wouldn't have left his phone lying around. Cheaters, even when arseholed, are usually more than keen to keep their phones close.

The worst he thinks will happen if he's caught is that you'll insist he goes for counselling again. Prove him wrong.

PS Your kids will be fine. Mine (early 20s) recently thanked me for ending the same situation when she was 11. We owe it to our kids to not put up with this shit.

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 10:10

It doesn't have to affect his relationship with his kids at all. They don't have to take side, they don't have to stop loving him. It has nothing to do with them. He hasn't done anything to or against them.

You can safely concentrate on YOU and decide what is best for YOU. The kids will be fine either way as long as you both stay civil and reasonable.

Mrgrinch · 14/02/2021 10:13

I honestly didn't really think people actually cheated until I joined MN. I thought it was very rare. How sad that I've had my mind so drastically changed.

OP I'm so sorry this has happened. Give him hell.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/02/2021 10:21

So sorry this has happened to you OP. Leery Tradesmen like that give me the creeps, but it is what it is unfortunately for you. I'd be looking to get the house finished and then kick him out. He's unlikely to change his ways. Very good advice upthread about staying calm and dignified rather than shouting. He's the one who has betrayed his family and put your health at risk, but it's better all round especially for your DC if you can hold your head up high. Tell people what he's done, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Thanks

MummytoCSJH · 14/02/2021 10:22

God I hate when people say he hasn't done anything to the kids. Anything to minimise and make sure Mum isn't allowed to show her emotions and just has to carry on as normal. I was 4 when my dad had an affair and even took me to OW house to meet her kids and I didn't really know what was going on but I knew it was hurting my Mum and it definitely affected me, then and in later life. If he wanted to keep his family together he shouldn't have cheated on the one holding them together and doing 90% of the work! Fuck off, of course his decisions hurt the kids, so no it isn't nothing to do with them.

couchparsnip · 14/02/2021 10:23

Have you got support IRL? There will be local support groups if you need them. It might be worth getting some legal advice before you make any decisions. Divorce seems scary but it might be best for all in the long run. Your kids don't need to stay in an environment where you're unhappy. It won't be good for them.

Rhiannon13 · 14/02/2021 10:27

Tell people what he's done, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Definitely agree with this. I didn't talk to anyone when it happened to me, my ex spun a story to all our long-standing'friends' (which they believed because his cheating was so 'out of character'), and now none of them speak to me and it's too late to rectify.

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 10:28

@MummytoCSJH

God I hate when people say he hasn't done anything to the kids. Anything to minimise and make sure Mum isn't allowed to show her emotions and just has to carry on as normal. I was 4 when my dad had an affair and even took me to OW house to meet her kids and I didn't really know what was going on but I knew it was hurting my Mum and it definitely affected me, then and in later life. If he wanted to keep his family together he shouldn't have cheated on the one holding them together and doing 90% of the work! Fuck off, of course his decisions hurt the kids, so no it isn't nothing to do with them.
ahem no....

first it only hurst the kids if you make a drama out of it and bring the kids in it, which is totally unnecessary and unfair.

But the point was not that at all, you spectacularly missed that.

If he wanted to keep his family together
No one HAS to keep their family together! No one has to be a martyr. I agree that he should have left his wife before playing around, but NO ONE has to stay in an unhappy marriage, and that includes the OP! (which is what you are missing!)

A wife and mother does not have to stick to a bad marriage "for the children". It's absolutely fine to take them off the equation and make plans for YOU. Not for everyone else. If you do it right and chose what makes you happy, the kids will be fine.

It might be better if kids live with happily married parents, but when it's no longer possible, it doesn't mean their childhood is ruined or their relationship with one of the parents is ruined either.

SuperSange · 14/02/2021 10:32

He's made a fool of you once; are you going to let it happen again?

AMK42 · 14/02/2021 10:34

Great advice RaidersoftheLostAardvark Halo

Livelovebehappy · 14/02/2021 10:35

Horrible situation OP. But you have the advantage here of him not knowing yet that you know. You can start preparing. Your only option is to split with him. Open your own account if you don’t have one. Start making sure your half of the money is ring fenced. Look at options for your living circumstances - can you afford to live alone with your children where you are. If not, look at your options regarding employment. Or look at costings of moving somewhere smaller or renting. Make an appointment with a solicitor. Lots of solicitors do free initial consultations. Go on ‘What I’m entitled to’ on benefits site, if you are on lower income, one adult family, you may be entitled to help. Once your plans are in place, confront him. Tell him you intend to split. Then walk away. It’s going to be a hard long road Op, but you will get to a point where you will be happy. Stay strong Flowers

peridito · 14/02/2021 10:35

I'm so so sorry OP .How utterly shit .Drink tea .Get through the day .Things will get better .

Flowers and >>>hugs

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 10:38

Of course it hurts the children, you can try and minimise the hurt but unless it’s a volatile situation where the kids hear shouting etc and are glad themselves to be out of it all by their parents splitting up , I think children will be upset that mum and dad no longer live together.

BlueSuffragette · 14/02/2021 10:39

So sorry OP. He is a cheat and will never change. This relationship will never be what you want as you will never be able to trust him. Look after yourself now and get your ducks in a row. Could you live in the same house until the building work is finished? That may buy you time to sort out legal advice. Them boom, divorce him. Move on to a new start. Good luck. Flowers

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 10:48

@FossilisedFanny

Of course it hurts the children, you can try and minimise the hurt but unless it’s a volatile situation where the kids hear shouting etc and are glad themselves to be out of it all by their parents splitting up , I think children will be upset that mum and dad no longer live together.
it's not ideal, but no need to make their mum feel guilty and believe she should make her life plans based around the kids

it won't be good for anyone in the long term, and not fair on her.

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 10:51

get your ducks in a row

so there IS a MN bingo!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/02/2021 10:54

You just can't put up with this OP, he is a scumbag and you cannot spend your life with someone like this.
He has destroyed your family life not you.
I wouldn't even be able to look at him never mind touch him again.
My husband did this to me and that was it. Game over.
The children will still see him but he should have thought of them before putting his dick into other people.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/02/2021 10:58

This reminds me of the time a bloke came round to do my tiling when I was a single mum in my 20's and if I say so myself very attractive.
He told me he also took cash for sex (gigolo) if I was interested and I said I can pick up a bloke better looking than you for free on any street corner love. That got rid of that creep.

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 11:04

@SteveBrexit I haven’t said anything about making the mum feeling guilty , I was just saying that kids do not come out of these situations unscathed. When a parent cheats they hurt the whole family.

Rhiannon13 · 14/02/2021 11:08

I think children will be upset that mum and dad no longer live together.

Children are allowed to be upset, and of course they will initially because their worlds are very black and white, but the OP should not be making decisions based on her children's happiness alone. It's our reponsibility as adults to make the right long-term decisions for ourselves and our families, and to not fall into the trap of 'not upsetting the children'. Children are ALWAYS happier in a home without conflict and we absolutely must teach them what's acceptable in a relationship, and (most importantly) what isn't.

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 11:09

[quote FossilisedFanny]@SteveBrexit I haven’t said anything about making the mum feeling guilty , I was just saying that kids do not come out of these situations unscathed. When a parent cheats they hurt the whole family.[/quote]
and that's helping the OP how....?

Lightningcrops · 14/02/2021 11:09

Sorry to hear this OP, I would be heartbroken too, even without knowing you at all, I think it's safe to say you deserve better. If he is a good dad, he can continue to be a good dad after seperation, and if you can both be civil for their sakes, no reason that can't be the case. But you are important, and staying with someone who treats you like that isn't fair.

It is overwhelming and scary, take today to feel like crap and stay in bed, and then make a plan.

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 11:14

I am not saying the op should stay for the children, of course she shouldn’t !

wizzbangfizz · 14/02/2021 11:15

What a bastard Thanksfor you OP.