In not going to drop things off at the hospital

[Hoppinggreen]

My mum fell about 10 days ago and was taken to hospital where she has had an op. The hospital is very close to my house and when she has been there before I have been daily and taken food etc (she hates hospital food). I don’t mind visiting under normal circumstances and it’s nice to see her.
However, we have been pretty careful during Covid and stuck to the rules around seeing her. She and my sdad have health issues so are vulnerable but have been out and about more than they should, plus I know my brother has visited regularly. We are healthy but DD has mild asthma and I am overweight, plus DH is SE so if he was ill and couldn’t work it would cost us ££££££.
I dropped off a book and a couple of things my mum asked for last week but despite wearing a mask, using have gel etc I was pretty uneasy about being at the hospital and when DH had a blood test he also dropped off some clean nighties for her, the nurse taking his blood actually advised against it as he said Covid was rife in the hospital and my mums ward was opposite the Covid ward. DH did it anyway
This morning I had a text asking me to take her some more things and some food as the food there was awful, last time she was in hospital I cooked extra and took it in a cool bag to keep warm. I have replied saying I am not going to shops at the moment (thank you Ocado) and in any case I am not comfortable with coming to the hospital. I have suggested sdad do it as he has had both jabs so it’s safer to him. He does have some cognitive issues but can drive, go to shops etc.
I have had quite a nasty text back and now feel guilty - not guilty enough to do it but even so. DH is quite cross my mum would even ask
I am right not to go aren’t I? In an emergency I would go obviously but wanting a sandwich and clean undies isn’t an emergency

YANBU

Your step dad - her husband can take up clean undies. He’s had both jabs.

@Brefugee

Don't ever ask your mum or dad for anything ever again. Not ever. You'll be in and out and masked up.

Oh my god. How many times?

Masks. Don't. Protect. The. Person. Wearing. Them.

@Brefugee

Don't ever ask your mum or dad for anything ever again. Not ever. You'll be in and out and masked up.

Did you skip over the part where OP’s DH visited her literally 2 days ago?!?

So how do hospital patients who have no relatives to bring them in stuff manage?

OP you can't miss her that much or you'd take her the stuff she's asked for. I hope my children aren't as selfish when they are grown.

I'm heavily pregnant and go to hospital at least once per week for appointments and one day per week for work (office based at present). Some people have no choice.

Your step-dad isn't immune because he's had both vaccines, he must also be very elderly and probably feels lost being separated from his partner. That's what happens with the elderly.

None of you are vulnerable really are you? Plenty of my colleagues are overweight but come to work every day and mild asthma is not a high risk at all. Especially not in children.
You're making excuses because you can't be bothered.

YABVU

Also 40% of covid infections are from catching it in Hospital. No one should be going hospital unless it’s an emergency. Her husband is capable of picking up knickers for god sake.

My mum was in hospital for a few weeks just before Christmas. My sister and I took it in turns to take clean clothes in and collect her dirty washing. We had to take it up to the ward reception rather than the main reception, so I can entirely believe that the op's hospital has a similar system. There was absolutely no question of being allowed to see mum or any other patient though. It was mask on, gel, up to ward entrance hand bag over and bye. We were also asked only to send essentials because every additional item increased the risk. In your case I'd just buy some pants and drop them off, but I'd also be explaining that I couldn't send food in. And, if you put the pants in a padded envelope labelled with her name and the ward number and dropped them through the hospital letter box I bet they would get to her.

@JoKenda

Just reading this made me burst into tears. My 84 yr old mother lives abroad and I haven’t been able to visit for a year due to Covid. I’d give anything to see her in person. You don’t know how lucky you are to have loved ones near.

I haven't seen my parents who live abroad since 2019 - my dad is in his late 70s and I don't know whether I will ever see him again. I totally feel you.

I understand Covid fear is a real thing (I have been indoors for ages and always feel a bit anxious going to the shops) but clean knickers for my mum - I wouldn't even hesitate.

How can your stepdad be immune just because he's had the jab? 🤔

Sounds to me like you're using any excuse to not be seen as unreasonable.

You're unreasonable. Still.

@PurpleDaisies

I would say needing clean undies was a pretty dire situation. I couldn’t imagine leaving my mum without clean pants. Hospital food can be really awful too.

The nasty text was out of order. I would have still gone to the hospital.

Me too. But I’m possibly not the best person to ask, I’d have walked over hot coals for my mum.

This is a difficult one.

It must be incredibly hard to be in hospital at the moment and have no visitors. Even where visiting is allowed it is usually restricted to one visitor for one hour a day only.

With that in mind though I can understand her wanting underwear etc, and while this might sound sexist, I can understand that your mum might want you to bring underwear rather than her partner. I know that when I wanted specific things in hospital when I was in in 2019 I would ask my mum because she would know exactly what I wanted such as body lotion/hand cream that sort of thing. And while my partner absolutely would have brought me these things, I would have had a protracted conversation with him about exactly what I wanted etc.

As for food, perishable food really isn’t a good idea, and if she doesn’t like the cooked meals then maybe she should try the sandwiches/soups/baked potatoes.

There needs to be middle ground. I would just tell her you really can’t bring food, but would drop off some underwear.

How can your stepdad be immune just because he's had the jab?

Isn’t that why an alternative name for vaccination is immunisation? Or am I missing something here?

Christ I would have done anything for my mum, I think you sound completely selfish. What a way to treat the woman who gave birth to you and spent 20 odd years of her life looking after you..I'd be really disappointed if my son treated me like this.

YABU. I don't get on with my mother but I couldn't leave her without what she needed when she was in hospital.

[quote Orcadianrythyms]@Hoppinggreen - if you didn't want to know if people thought your behaviour was unreasonable, then why ask? It seems strange to gets arsey with everyone who replies.
And yes you are clearly a very unreasonable person about helping your mum and nipping at everyone who replies.[/quote]
I do want to know and please could you show exactly where I have been arsey?

My mother used to treat going to hospital as though it were some kind of exotic adventure. She used to sit by the phone and literally go through every one in the family until she made contact to "inform" them she was going in on xx date. She had great fun with me because I lived in another city and was employed on an EU funded project. So I was constantly travelling between my home and various European cities. There were no mobiles then (1980s) so she would go frantic trying to reach me. She gave my sister all kinds of grief because she could not get through. Then my sister would be trying to get through. I used to come back to a tape of 30 calls. I just deleted it and blamed the machine. My mother loved her little bit of attention.

Well, I think it's unwise, I wouldn't want to be going to hospitals myself.
If your mother is really stuck for clean underwear and you live so close, I would drop the items she needs off at the main reception desk to be sent up. And then text to say you won't be doing regular drops from now on, due to the current situation.

However, food? No, you shouldn't need to be cooking specially or buying stuff to take into the hospital. Hospital food is bland and boring but it is provided and you aren't a restaurant delivery service. I wouldn't, and I wouldn't expect anyone to be doing it for me either. But then I wouldn't be asking.....

Sdad could have got clean undies to her faster than me

Maybe his cognitive issues means she's asked him repeatedly and he's forgotten?

@Brefugee

Don't ever ask your mum or dad for anything ever again. Not ever. You'll be in and out and masked up.

Well my Dad is dead and as my Mum is unwell anyway I don’t ask either of them for anything

This is your mother

I think your getting Guilt Transference.
All the ones saying you have to go do it, are saying it because they are not the scared person, worrying about illness and money.
Your trying to shield your own family unit.
Your not supposed to go to the hospital, but as said people on this site are trying to bully you.
Stay Home, Stay Safe, Protect the NHS.
Ballderdash about the mum being in dirty knickers.
The NHS do not do that, they have supplys if needed, the mum just needs to ask, The Nurse telling you to go in is a fool and My family member who is Hospital HR says the Nurse could be fired for advising you to VISIT.

Your poor mum! If my DD left me high and dry like this I'd be absolutely devastated.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Sdad could have got clean undies to her faster than me

Maybe his cognitive issues means she's asked him repeatedly and he's forgotten?

Nope, she’s only asked me He doesn’t forget things like that, just things that happened a while ago

Jesus Christ. Are people missing the fact that (apparently horrific and neglectful) OP has in fact visited her mum already and brought her stuff - and her (apparently abusive) DH dropped off clothes literally 2 days ago?