In not going to drop things off at the hospital

[Hoppinggreen]

My mum fell about 10 days ago and was taken to hospital where she has had an op. The hospital is very close to my house and when she has been there before I have been daily and taken food etc (she hates hospital food). I don’t mind visiting under normal circumstances and it’s nice to see her.
However, we have been pretty careful during Covid and stuck to the rules around seeing her. She and my sdad have health issues so are vulnerable but have been out and about more than they should, plus I know my brother has visited regularly. We are healthy but DD has mild asthma and I am overweight, plus DH is SE so if he was ill and couldn’t work it would cost us ££££££.
I dropped off a book and a couple of things my mum asked for last week but despite wearing a mask, using have gel etc I was pretty uneasy about being at the hospital and when DH had a blood test he also dropped off some clean nighties for her, the nurse taking his blood actually advised against it as he said Covid was rife in the hospital and my mums ward was opposite the Covid ward. DH did it anyway
This morning I had a text asking me to take her some more things and some food as the food there was awful, last time she was in hospital I cooked extra and took it in a cool bag to keep warm. I have replied saying I am not going to shops at the moment (thank you Ocado) and in any case I am not comfortable with coming to the hospital. I have suggested sdad do it as he has had both jabs so it’s safer to him. He does have some cognitive issues but can drive, go to shops etc.
I have had quite a nasty text back and now feel guilty - not guilty enough to do it but even so. DH is quite cross my mum would even ask
I am right not to go aren’t I? In an emergency I would go obviously but wanting a sandwich and clean undies isn’t an emergency

No, I think the post that suggested I LTB for agreeing with me was funnier

I love how you’re the one being dramatic @Hoppinggreen because you’d rather not potentially expose your entire family when there is two others that could actually do this chore?!

YANBU, personally I would probably do it but none of my immediate family have any risk factors aside from DH and I being overweight. And as an aside, if I said I couldn’t to my mum but I would call her partner and give him a list over the phone to do it instead, she wouldn’t kick off about it.

The only available option is to drop off clothing in a named bag at the (locked) ward door. anybody could do that.

^ This is true. My DH was in Hosp in April and I had to drop off his clothes, meds etc off with a nurse at the locked door - I put it on the floor and a gloved hand poked thru and retrieved it.

@Hoppinggreen

Wow, quite surprising it appears I may BU. DH was so sure I shouldn’t go - he won’t stop me but he said he felt it was unwise

Think about the risk here. You are not ill (and not actually vulnerable - mild asthma and a bit overweight doesn't make you high risk), your mum has had an op and is more vulnerable at the moment than you are.

Take her what she needs. If she's still in hospital after 10 days she's clearly not well. Covid isn't the only game in town.

Hi OP,

What a typical AIBU pile on which I don’t think you deserve at all. YANBU in my opinion, you have repeated yourself over and over again but half of this lot won’t read or take on board what you are saying as per usual.

Your Mum has her husband and/or son who could take her stuff and you’ve outlined why several times. She seems to not take yours or your family’s health concerns seriously and hasn’t done throughout the pandemic. You have stated if nobody else could do it you would in a heartbeat but you are just trying to be careful. The infection control measures at the hospital do not appear to be in the least bit robust so if I were in your shoes and others are better placed to do the delivering I would prefer they did it too. It does not mean you don’t care or are heartless at all, you are just being sensible.

You are ordering shopping for your step dad and check in with him daily so you are doing your bit. Why isn’t your brother the one who is getting a verbal kicking on here? Like you said upthread if you had worded it differently and just stated person A, B, C, D for example the responses would be totally different.

jackieweaver thank you
As far as I am concerned you have full authority here

@Hammonds

This thread is bonkers.

Also not all 80 year olds are cognitively impaired. My granny is 88 and is sharp as a tack and can do better maths than me! She only stopped playing darts in the women’s pub team when covid started!

OP said he was cognitively impaired and then explained that meant he only had issues with long-term memory.

Regardless, an 80-yr-old is more at risk of Covid than the OP is. And vaccination doesn't mean you definitely won't catch Covid. It means the symptoms should be less but there is limited research on the efficacy of the vaccines for 80+ year olds especially those with co-morbidities.

@Hoppinggreen

Because firstly he has been vaccinated and secondly because he doesn’t have any concerns about catching Covid and thirdly because he has the items she wants

I can’t believe the shit your getting

MN has gone mad

@Hoppinggreen

jackieweaver thank you As far as I am concerned you have full authority here

Thanks OP. I was channeling my inner JW with that post 💪

Don’t let (some of) the bastards on this thread grind you down. Stand firm and go with your gut instinct even if you dare to go against some of these nasties.

He might actually be more at risk but he has chosen to expose himself to risk repeatedly even before vaccination whereas we have been very careful.

If you think channelling Jackie Weaver means calling people nasties and bastards then I think you missed the entire point of that council meeting.

Thanks to everyone who has messaged etc
I am fine, if I was in any way vulnerable I wouldn’t have posted on here.
None of it is actually getting to me, I appreciate there is a looootttttt of projection going on and also it’s touched a nerve with people who want to see their mum but can’t.
I like MN for it’s often brutal honesty and if I can’t take it I have no right to dish it out either (which I certainly do)

@SabrinaMorningstar

If you think channelling Jackie Weaver means calling people nasties and bastards then I think you missed the entire point of that council meeting.

Looking at your previous post it seems you miss the entire point on a regular basis.

I'd do this for random people who I'm not related to. Seriously mean to not help your own mum unless there is back story and she is not a nice person.

Keep on setting this example and your dc will merrily abandon you when you are ill and infirm!!

@SabrinaMorningstar

If you think channelling Jackie Weaver means calling people nasties and bastards then I think you missed the entire point of that council meeting.

This thread is mental 😂😂

I’d do anything for my mum and I live 3 hours away. So selfish.

If she dies you'll feel awful. Take her some stuff.

You lot are mental and massively projecting 😂 OP given the specifics of your situation I would feel exactly the same (and I love my mum a lot!)

Given how quick Mumsnetters normally are to rail against the assumption that daughters/wives/women in general have to automatically pick up the work, I'm astounded at the comments on here.

Even if you want to ignore the presence of the stepdad, there's a brother too. Perhaps he would like to help out?

Some of us feel genuinely worried about COVID and don't want to take risks. Lots of posts on here make it clear that others are happier to accept a higher level of risk. Both approaches are fine. The OP has made it very clear that if her mum was in desperate need, or there was no-one else to help, she wouldn't even hesitate and she would help.

However, in view of the fact that there's stepdad (plus the brother) who's been merrily out and about, there is absolutely no need for the OP to take on this task - or to expose herself to what she perceives as an unacceptable risk.

Imagine if the brother posted saying - mum's in hospital and wants some little bits brought in, I think my sister should do everything even though she's already been into the hospital once - and has been shielding for months while I've been out and about. He'd be ripped to shreds, and rightly so.

I'm with you OP. Your mum is being an arse by not speaking to you.

This thread is such a good example of how heightened people are bc of covid. The OP is doing what she believes to be right in order to feel safe during the pandemic while her mother has a different set of behaviours that work for her.

The fact they disagree doesn't mean either of them is "wrong" or that being "wrong" deserves vilification, it just means they have differing coping strategies.

Yes of course it can be challenging being in hospital and not having your wants met as quickly as you'd like, it's a horrid loss of agency and can leave you feeling very vulnerable. However that does not translate to it being someone else's problem.

The OP is obviously and quite rightly concerned for her own well-being and has explained, repeatedly, that there are others able and willing to run the errand. The insistence from many posters that it is solely the OP's role to play caretaker is absurd and smacks of sexism. Frankly it is refreshing to read of a woman putting her own needs first rather than stooping to martyrdom.

To the posters who suggested the OP does not love or care for her mother, when you calm down you might realise how histrionic you sound, probably because you feel anxious about the pandemic. It's OK to feel worried, it's normal, but it would be so much nicer for everyone if you could try to contain your anxiety to socially acceptable behaviour rather than resorting to internet bullying.

@ufucoffee

If she dies you'll feel awful. Take her some stuff.

No, I’ve changed my mind. This is the funniest post on here

Going against the grain here, but your mother sounds quite selfish. You have a valid reason to not want to go. I think most parents would accept the risk (or even concern about the risk) of catching COVID trumps them wanting clean pants and nicer food, and would make do with what they have rather than insist their child take a risk they’re not comfortable with.

There’s plenty of food in hospitals and it isn’t that bad. They also have pants and nighties for patient use. These may not be what she wants or prefers, but they’re good enough.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. I’m actually more concerned about the people who think nicer food and pants for someone who isn’t dying and could probably cope without is a good reason to risk catching or passing on COVID.

No wonder we’re in such a mess.

The OP isn't putting her own needs first. She's putting her DH's changing opinion before her own decision (which was to drop stuff off at the hospital).

@VinylDetective people are laughing because your post was entirely illogical and it’s concerning that you had the sagacity to post something so asinine.

Would someone with a measles vaccine be scared about catching measles after their jab? What they felt towards measles prior to having the vaccine has zero relevance as their personal risk has diminished after being vaccinated. It’s the reason why people get a vaccination.

It safer for someone vaccinated against measles to enter a hospital where measles is rife and highly contagious, as opposed to someone who isn’t vaccinated against measles

As This thread has got very long now I am going to do people who can’t be arsed RTFT a favour and recap
My Mum had clean nighties (DH took them on Thursday)
She had clean pants until tomorrow
She didn’t like the food, there was plenty on offer
Sdad took her what she asked for when I contacted him. He was fine
She thought I should do it rather than dbro even though she knows how careful we are being because I am female
I don’t hate her
DH isn’t controlling