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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not going to drop things off at the hospital

820 replies

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 11:38

My mum fell about 10 days ago and was taken to hospital where she has had an op. The hospital is very close to my house and when she has been there before I have been daily and taken food etc (she hates hospital food). I don’t mind visiting under normal circumstances and it’s nice to see her.
However, we have been pretty careful during Covid and stuck to the rules around seeing her. She and my sdad have health issues so are vulnerable but have been out and about more than they should, plus I know my brother has visited regularly. We are healthy but DD has mild asthma and I am overweight, plus DH is SE so if he was ill and couldn’t work it would cost us ££££££.
I dropped off a book and a couple of things my mum asked for last week but despite wearing a mask, using have gel etc I was pretty uneasy about being at the hospital and when DH had a blood test he also dropped off some clean nighties for her, the nurse taking his blood actually advised against it as he said Covid was rife in the hospital and my mums ward was opposite the Covid ward. DH did it anyway
This morning I had a text asking me to take her some more things and some food as the food there was awful, last time she was in hospital I cooked extra and took it in a cool bag to keep warm. I have replied saying I am not going to shops at the moment (thank you Ocado) and in any case I am not comfortable with coming to the hospital. I have suggested sdad do it as he has had both jabs so it’s safer to him. He does have some cognitive issues but can drive, go to shops etc.
I have had quite a nasty text back and now feel guilty - not guilty enough to do it but even so. DH is quite cross my mum would even ask
I am right not to go aren’t I? In an emergency I would go obviously but wanting a sandwich and clean undies isn’t an emergency

OP posts:
Overtherainbow12 · 13/02/2021 16:14

Why don't you go wear the ppe gloves and obvs a mask. Keep to other side of corridor if you have to pass people, I doubt it will be busy. And just wait for elevator to be empty to use or use the stairs. When you leave gloves mask in bin, take off your jacket put in plastic bag and wash as soon as home. Sanitise obvs throughout. It's really a non argument, just do it and take precautions. Is step dad in your bubble?

Tubs11 · 13/02/2021 16:14

Your mum is being unreasonable asking for non essentials
I think it's the kids not the sdads duty to drop off essential items as he is more vulnerable even if he has been vaccinated
I would be gutted if my kids didn't help out in my hour of need but I certainly wouldn't be asking for nail varnish
Also I'm shocked the hospital are allowing people in willy nilly, no wonder covid is riff there

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:18

Someone asked about a bubble, sdad and mum weren’t because firstly as there were 2 of them I understood it wasn’t allowed but also because they weren’t sticking to guidelines.

OP posts:
Hammonds · 13/02/2021 16:25

I don’t know. Id pretty pissed off tbh.

Hospitals are NOT a good place to be going right now as covid is rife in there. If my step dad was regularly going then tbh I’d expect him to just go alone. I’d support him and tell him what he needs to take ect. There is no point risking catching covid and passing it on if some one is actually travelling there anyway.

However I’m that one person in the family that is left to deal with my elderly grandmother despite her having two sons and a live in grandson. It fucks me off that it’s me travelling up and down to hospital when there are other people that should be involved too I love my granny to bits but she does expect more from me as a women than she does the males around her.

diddl · 13/02/2021 16:27

Why didn't you ask your brother rather than sdad?

BottleFlipper · 13/02/2021 16:27

@Hoppinggreen

If she is hungry is because she is being a pain about the perfectly adequate food. It won’t be what she prefers but it will be edible and she had enough clean undies to last until tomorrow but sdad is taking/has taken some. Not hungry, not in unclean clothes
Ah, glad to see you've cleared up that you just don't like her...
SabrinaMorningstar · 13/02/2021 16:28

There are so many undercurrents to your resentment. You're clear you consider dropping off items to be a risk - now although you were happy to do it until your DH changed his mind and voiced his opinion.

But if one comment from your DH means you genuinely think it's a risk, you're happy for your 80-yr-old sdad to take that risk rather than you. And you're happy for an 80-yr-old to have to organise and drop off items rather than you doing it when you're closer.

Your response isn't just about Covid. It's highly unusual for an adult child (male or female) to expect an 80-yr-old to run errands.

It's almost as though you're choosing to punish your dm and sdad because they haven't acted the way you wanted. And your complete about-turn on assessing risk because of what your DH has said points to an odd power dynamic in your relationship.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:31

@diddl

Why didn't you ask your brother rather than sdad?
Because he lives in the place where the items she wants are and DBRO probably wouldn’t have done it
OP posts:
Jeremyironseverything · 13/02/2021 16:32

This pandemic is making people go absolutely beyond the realms of thinking straight. My nan needed to go hospital last week, she went twice, she was ok, I’ve been to appointments, my ex and his new wife been visiting her father, my DD has gone there, I shop every week i could catch it shopping, i could catch it from my DD when she returns, I had an interview this week could have picked up from there, had stuff delivered, we can take as much precautions and our own responsibilities but the hysteria is turning everyone against everyone like we are all some diseased plagued zombies. If my parents were in hospital I’d take stuff to them. My friends dad is in hospital and they allow stuff to him on the ward, every hospital has their own rules

Well bully for you. You'd be comfortable with it as are the ops relatives but you need to empathise with those who aren't.
Just because you've been lucky doing all that stuff, doesn't mean the risk isn't there. I'm sure all those dead people, and people with long covid wish they'd been so lucky.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:33

@SabrinaMorningstar

There are so many undercurrents to your resentment. You're clear you consider dropping off items to be a risk - now although you were happy to do it until your DH changed his mind and voiced his opinion.

But if one comment from your DH means you genuinely think it's a risk, you're happy for your 80-yr-old sdad to take that risk rather than you. And you're happy for an 80-yr-old to have to organise and drop off items rather than you doing it when you're closer.

Your response isn't just about Covid. It's highly unusual for an adult child (male or female) to expect an 80-yr-old to run errands.

It's almost as though you're choosing to punish your dm and sdad because they haven't acted the way you wanted. And your complete about-turn on assessing risk because of what your DH has said points to an odd power dynamic in your relationship.

I wasn’t happy doing it and expressed that to DH, he agreed and reminded me what the nurse said to him on Thursday. He then shut me In a cupboard for a while until I agreed with him ( that bit might not be true)
OP posts:
Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 16:35

OP, I’m with you. You’re in the right. Try and ignore the pile on from people who haven’t even brushed their teeth yet.

Jesus Christ the hospital will have provisions available for inpatients - they’re not going to let her sit around in used underwear. What do you think hospitals do for patients that don’t have loved ones nearby? OP isn’t her mother’s only solution for clean underwear.

If someone has been immunised to COVID, they should go. If the brother doesn’t care about COVID, he should go.

SpnBaby1967 · 13/02/2021 16:35

I can't believe you think sending a cognitively impaired 80 year old is the best option here out of the two of you. Confused

MyLittleOrangutan · 13/02/2021 16:36

I honestly dont see why she'd be reasonable to ask you instead of her husband. You have to either go to the shop and buy her some new underwear. Or go to her house, where her husband is to het her underwear to take it to her. Its definitely something I wouldnt expect anyone but my husband to do for me. It's just wierd to ask your daughter who's working and has a child instead of your retired, vaccinated husband.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:37

I am please to report that the physically fit vaccinated 80 year old with long term memory issues has done it and is fine.

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 16:39

”you know Hopping I don’t think you should, the nurse advised me on Thursday it wasn’t safe up there on the 3rd floor. It’s a bit unfair of her to ask, can’t sdad go?”

It wasn’t safe for you on the third floor so why can’t someone who must be over 80 go? So much for protecting the vulnerable.

PussyCatInChristmasStockings · 13/02/2021 16:40

@Hoppinggreen

So to clarify The nurse warned my DH it wasn’t safe to go to the ward and drop off. We can’t leave things at the main Reception Someone else can take her what she wants (who has been immunised) And I am still awful for not doing it?
No, YANBU.

She has an immunised husband who will have ready access to her knicker drawer.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:41

Because firstly he has been vaccinated and secondly because he doesn’t have any concerns about catching Covid and thirdly because he has the items she wants

OP posts:
PoppyLovesCakes · 13/02/2021 16:43

My mum is no longer with me but I'd be there all day, every day if I was allowed to be, catering to every whim but that's just me

But it doesn't matter what I'd do - you've got to do what you're comfortable with

callmeadoctor · 13/02/2021 16:44

Clearly there are a lot of posters on here at the moment who have no idea what its like to be in hospital at the moment. Virtually impossible that a hospital will allow visitors, most definitely will not allow perishable food to be brought in. It is absolutely horrible. I have spent the last 7 months a s a visitor (vulnerable child) and the state that patients are in is a disgrace, but that is how it is at the moment. Our hospital only let visitors outside the garden where they could talk over the fence, if it was raining or snowing there was no shelter, and only for those patients who were mobile or in a wheelchair. It is really inhumane and I wonder whether vets treat their patients in this way......... but realistically the OP absolutely shouldn't be visiting or dropping food off. The only available option is to drop off clothing in a named bag at the (locked) ward door. anybody could do that.

Hammonds · 13/02/2021 16:45

This thread is bonkers.

Also not all 80 year olds are cognitively impaired. My granny is 88 and is sharp as a tack and can do better maths than me! She only stopped playing darts in the women’s pub team when covid started!

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 16:47

@Hoppinggreen

Because firstly he has been vaccinated and secondly because he doesn’t have any concerns about catching Covid and thirdly because he has the items she wants
He must have concerns about catching covid or he wouldn’t have bothered to be vaccinated.
Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:49

Not really, he’s of the generation/mind set where if you get an official communication you do as you are told. My Mum did say ages ago she might not have it but I strongly suggested they both did.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 13/02/2021 16:50

VinylDetective, that rates as the funniest post on this thread! Grin

callmeadoctor · 13/02/2021 16:50

OP Im totally with you on this.

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 16:51

@callmeadoctor

VinylDetective, that rates as the funniest post on this thread! Grin
Why? Why would you bother to be vaccinated if you didn’t care about catching covid? It’s entirely logical.
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