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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not going to drop things off at the hospital

820 replies

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 11:38

My mum fell about 10 days ago and was taken to hospital where she has had an op. The hospital is very close to my house and when she has been there before I have been daily and taken food etc (she hates hospital food). I don’t mind visiting under normal circumstances and it’s nice to see her.
However, we have been pretty careful during Covid and stuck to the rules around seeing her. She and my sdad have health issues so are vulnerable but have been out and about more than they should, plus I know my brother has visited regularly. We are healthy but DD has mild asthma and I am overweight, plus DH is SE so if he was ill and couldn’t work it would cost us ££££££.
I dropped off a book and a couple of things my mum asked for last week but despite wearing a mask, using have gel etc I was pretty uneasy about being at the hospital and when DH had a blood test he also dropped off some clean nighties for her, the nurse taking his blood actually advised against it as he said Covid was rife in the hospital and my mums ward was opposite the Covid ward. DH did it anyway
This morning I had a text asking me to take her some more things and some food as the food there was awful, last time she was in hospital I cooked extra and took it in a cool bag to keep warm. I have replied saying I am not going to shops at the moment (thank you Ocado) and in any case I am not comfortable with coming to the hospital. I have suggested sdad do it as he has had both jabs so it’s safer to him. He does have some cognitive issues but can drive, go to shops etc.
I have had quite a nasty text back and now feel guilty - not guilty enough to do it but even so. DH is quite cross my mum would even ask
I am right not to go aren’t I? In an emergency I would go obviously but wanting a sandwich and clean undies isn’t an emergency

OP posts:
ColdandFrosty1 · 13/02/2021 15:44

Its odd you're not allowed to drop off at reception and the hospital is allowing it, anyway where I am the hospital corridors are like a ghost town with barely anyone wandering them including the stair cases.

If you can't manage the stairs then wait until the lift is empty or there is only one other person. As for being opposite the covid ward there is probably less risk going "opposite" there than anywhere else in the hospital/shops/the street. Staff on covid ward are not allowed to leave the ward/covid Bay all day and all day they have been wearing gloves, aprons masks and visors which have to be binned inside the ward before they exit. As for pushing the button on your mums ward just wear disposable gloves to do it and sanatize straight away after. If you're really that worried about the people then go after 7.30/8pm when there are a lot less staff around. Going in and popping up to the ward and popping straight back out really won't put you at that much risk. However your mum has acted through the pandemic, I can guarantee you it is really really miserable on those wards for patients at the moment and even clean underwear and snacks would do your mum the world of good, however you feel about her behaviours.

EileenGC · 13/02/2021 15:45

@Whythesadface

EileenGC, I know people are hurting. This family wanted to see each other, the mum was desperate to see her children and grandchildren. She freely admits she bullied her DP who was not related into driving an hour away. This is why she blamed herself.
This has nothing to do with the situation I described. None of these people sound isolated, they just wanted to socialise together. I agree with you, that type of behaviour is selfish. Very different to someone being alone in their house/hospital bed and asking for help. Everyone is free to make their own risk assessments and decisions. I am not in favour of careless socialising, that's for sure. But you can also catch Covid without socialising. The virus is shit, doesn't mean we need to give up every little ounce of humanity for it.
Bilgepumper · 13/02/2021 15:46

Reading all the madness on here, it's educated me about why the virus is still spreading.

A friend of ours has COPD. His oxygen was low, so he was admitted to hospital. He caught Covid but recovered enough to be sent home. His wife now has Covid and is on a ventilator, their son also has Covid.

It's infectious, contagious, you can catch it, from others. What's wrong with you people?

Charleymouse · 13/02/2021 15:47

YANBU

Stay home and stay safe

Abraxan · 13/02/2021 15:48

@Chloemol

Gosh lots of nasty posts again. Did any of you read the bit that she feels vulnerable, her child has asthma, her husband is SE

The mother has a partner, who having had both jabs is in a far better place to go, and who would have to go if the daughter lived hundreds of miles away

I would probably go ( but would prefer one of my sisters who has had the jab due to work to do it) but I would leave stuff with someone, rather than walk through the hospital to a ward

But is the OP or her dh actually vulnerable?

The OP's first post says this:

We are healthy but DD has mild asthma and I am overweight, plus DH is SE so if he was ill and couldn’t work it would cost us ££££££.

They are healthy - this suggests neither are CEV or CV.
The Dd has mild asthma - this is not a risk factor, especially in a child, from what I remember. Mild asthma doesn't make someone CV in most cases.
The overweight thing depends on the OP's weight. Being 'overweight' doesn't necessarily increase the risk. Being obese might depending on BMI,
Being self employed isn't a medical risk factor.

We also know that the SDad is far more vulnerable simply due to age. We know that the vaccine does not necessarily mean he can't catch covid. It just means that hopefully if he did he'd not be seriously ill.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 15:49

Just in case anyone is still concerned about my poor starving knickerless mother I have phoned sdad and asked him to go. I have explained what she wants and suggested he also take some items from the food delivery I sent him last Sunday. I have also explained where to park and how to get to the ward and what the procedure is
He should be on his way by now
She’s still not speaking to mec

OP posts:
Getoutofbed25 · 13/02/2021 15:49

I think would message her and say in reflection you have weighed up the risk and being there for her outweighs any risk involved. I would however ask her to plan what she will need for the next few weeks incase she is kept in longer than she anticipates. I would say I would feel happier making as few trips as possible to hospital. Ask her to think about underwear, nightclothes, lounge clothes, and an outfit to wear home. Things like slippers, books and snacks, charger etc. I’d then do one big drop off and I wouldn’t be running up with small drops every few days. I take it you know the hospital/ward system for handing things in. I would also tell her that you can’t be handing in food (meals) due to Covid and the quarantine system.

MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 13/02/2021 15:50

Haven't RTFT, but it sounds like you mother is being rather demanding, considering the risks involved in going, the multiple visits you've already made, and the fact that there are other people she could ask, to give you a break. It was wrong of her to respond in a nasty way when you expressed concerns about visiting.

If you can drop things off at the main desk, I think that's worth the risk, but I'd definitely tell her you can't go up to visit. You can visit over the phone, instead.

Getoutofbed25 · 13/02/2021 15:50

Sorry op, just seen your update!

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 15:54

Although we do have a couple of mild risk factors I still don’t want to catch Covid and I believe all hospitals are hotspots so if there is an alternative to me going (there is) I would prefer it
In an emergency or if no one else was available I would drop everything and rush there, as I have previously
I am quite scared about getting Covid, although most people who have died from it have other risk factors not everyone has, there was a lady on here last week who’s healthy BIL was having his ventilator switched off. It is still killing people and unless I have no other choice I won’t be visiting somewhere where there is a higher than average chance of me catching it.

OP posts:
Sojo88 · 13/02/2021 15:55

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be surprised that your mother would expect you to go if you don't feel safe doing so. If sdad is immunised and happy to go it makes a lot of sense that it's him who does it.

Bathbrush · 13/02/2021 15:55

Wow, you’ve had a really hard time on here! I can’t believe you’ve actually had posters advising you to LTB!
YANBU, it’s your choice, if you feel the risk is too high and there is someone else who can do it then I don’t see the problem. Tbh, my mum wouldn’t want me to come to the hospital because she wouldn’t want to put me at risk. In my circumstances, I would still go and take her anything she needed but I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

Whythesadface · 13/02/2021 15:58

OP Just stay safe and well, do what you need to , to make your own family situation as good as it can possibly be.
Deciding to stay away is what I think is best right now.
I am sure if things change you will reassess your position.

DurhamDurham · 13/02/2021 15:58

Is everyone missing the bit where I am not the only person able to do this?

But the fact remains that at the moment no one is taking the things that your mum needs. One of you will have to do it, you can't leave your mum with no clean underwear. Whether it's you, your brother or your stepdad you need to make sure it happens. No point you all sat there thinking someone else is going to do it. I'd be heartbroken if various members of my family were trying to come up with the best reason not to drop some clean underwear for me.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:00

@DurhamDurham

Is everyone missing the bit where I am not the only person able to do this?

But the fact remains that at the moment no one is taking the things that your mum needs. One of you will have to do it, you can't leave your mum with no clean underwear. Whether it's you, your brother or your stepdad you need to make sure it happens. No point you all sat there thinking someone else is going to do it. I'd be heartbroken if various members of my family were trying to come up with the best reason not to drop some clean underwear for me.

They are doing it, she has what she needs or will very shortly. I have made sure it has happened, despite the fact that I apparently hate her (I don’t)
OP posts:
TheDuchessOfBeddington · 13/02/2021 16:03

@PurpleDaisies

I would say needing clean undies was a pretty dire situation. I couldn’t imagine leaving my mum without clean pants. Hospital food can be really awful too.

The nasty text was out of order. I would have still gone to the hospital.

Exactly. Your mum is hungry and has dirty underwear but you’re worried because your overweight?

Fair enough lots (40%??) of cases are catch in hospital but I can’t imagine leaving my DM in that position.

combatbarbie · 13/02/2021 16:05

Why didn't she call your SDad first, why call you?

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:05

If she is hungry is because she is being a pain about the perfectly adequate food. It won’t be what she prefers but it will be edible and she had enough clean undies to last until tomorrow but sdad is taking/has taken some.
Not hungry, not in unclean clothes

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:06

@combatbarbie

Why didn't she call your SDad first, why call you?
Because it’s a girl job
OP posts:
DurhamDurham · 13/02/2021 16:07

@Hoppinggreen I don't think you hate your mum, that doesn't come across in your posts. What does come across is that you were surprised when everyone said to take your mum some clean underwear. Your brother and stepdad would have had the same response from me if they had posted.

CharlotteRose90 · 13/02/2021 16:08

I’m extremely vulnerable but I’d go for my mum In a heartbeat. Being in hospital is an awful time even worse during covid when you can’t have visitors. I’m sorry but where gloves and a masks and drop her some fresh clothes In and leave. It’s not hard.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 16:09

I WAS surprised to be fair, not that people were concerned about her, that was really nice actually
I was surprised people thought I should do it rather than sdad

OP posts:
ColdandFrosty1 · 13/02/2021 16:09

@Hoppinggreen

Just in case anyone is still concerned about my poor starving knickerless mother I have phoned sdad and asked him to go. I have explained what she wants and suggested he also take some items from the food delivery I sent him last Sunday. I have also explained where to park and how to get to the ward and what the procedure is He should be on his way by now She’s still not speaking to mec
Your mother won't be knickerless or left in dirty underwear dw, nearly all wards have "netted pants" of different sizes for people to wear for this very reason then they go straight in the bin. They are not the most dignified but they do the job and you can put a pad in them so they are less see through or itchy on your bits Smile
Wnikat · 13/02/2021 16:13

Everyone has absolutely lost their minds. Well, 37% of people anyway.

Okokokbear · 13/02/2021 16:13

You're being really dramatic op. The chances of catching covid from walking up some stairs and along a corridor while wearing a mask are pretty low.

It's so awful being stuck in hospital any treats and comforts are really welcome. I'd go to the shops and buy snacks then take them to the hospital for any family member and actually probably my neighbours who I don't really know. So I'm surprised this is such an issue for you.

But you're arguing the toss so obviously think you are right.

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