In not going to drop things off at the hospital

[Hoppinggreen]

My mum fell about 10 days ago and was taken to hospital where she has had an op. The hospital is very close to my house and when she has been there before I have been daily and taken food etc (she hates hospital food). I don’t mind visiting under normal circumstances and it’s nice to see her.
However, we have been pretty careful during Covid and stuck to the rules around seeing her. She and my sdad have health issues so are vulnerable but have been out and about more than they should, plus I know my brother has visited regularly. We are healthy but DD has mild asthma and I am overweight, plus DH is SE so if he was ill and couldn’t work it would cost us ££££££.
I dropped off a book and a couple of things my mum asked for last week but despite wearing a mask, using have gel etc I was pretty uneasy about being at the hospital and when DH had a blood test he also dropped off some clean nighties for her, the nurse taking his blood actually advised against it as he said Covid was rife in the hospital and my mums ward was opposite the Covid ward. DH did it anyway
This morning I had a text asking me to take her some more things and some food as the food there was awful, last time she was in hospital I cooked extra and took it in a cool bag to keep warm. I have replied saying I am not going to shops at the moment (thank you Ocado) and in any case I am not comfortable with coming to the hospital. I have suggested sdad do it as he has had both jabs so it’s safer to him. He does have some cognitive issues but can drive, go to shops etc.
I have had quite a nasty text back and now feel guilty - not guilty enough to do it but even so. DH is quite cross my mum would even ask
I am right not to go aren’t I? In an emergency I would go obviously but wanting a sandwich and clean undies isn’t an emergency

So the hospital is very near where you live, yet you won’t drip clean underwear off for your Mum who is ill/recovering in hospital? Are you always so awful and self-centered?

Why is this week so much more risky than last week when you said you went? If you had spoken to the same nurse they may have said ohh it's rife in hospitals at the minute etc to you then, it's a constant topic at the moment, I highly doubt she means that last week was totally safe pop on upto the ward but don't come next week or you and your family will likely be struck down with Covid for even entering the car park.
You are definitely being unreasonable, mild asthma in children doesn't seem to be posing much extra risk, over-weight is a problem you have made for yourself (not meant in a rude way, I too am over-weight but it didn't happen overnight and there's only me to blame for it and only me who is able to change that) and 2 vaccines is not equivalent to being immune the vaccination is to lessen the effects if you were to catch it.

Unbelievably mean.

Gosh I hope my children never do that to me.

Hope you're finding this helpful OP

I'm glad, at least, that you've identified some underlying resentment. In your shoes, I'd feel the same.

I feel sorry for your mum, but she also sounds childish.

Prob best to stay pragmatic, & try & keep guilt out of the equation.

I know things are raw for many at the moment, but there is an astonishing amount of projection on this thread.

I think YANBU as the sdad is perfectly able to take in whatever your Mum needs.

I would like to know which hospital Trust is allowing visitors onto wards ATM! My DH came out last Tuesday after nearly 2 weeks (not Covid) and I was only allowed to drop off a parcel of clean clothes at reception at main hospital entrance. DH had access to a free phone at bedside 24/7 because no visitors allowed.

Which hospital is your Mum in OP? They are large places so not outing to say.

I understand what you’re saying. If you e been told Covid Is rife then don’t go putting your immediate family at risk. Certainly drop some things off for her at reception or whatever , but no, I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to want to go visit at her bedside. Yes, drop something off. No, don’t visit.

@Whythesadface

Why do you think a 1,000,000 people are dead? Do you think maybe it's because lots of people thought they were invincible, that because they show no signs they don't have it. Well the figures who that your wrong. I know a fair few people who buried loved ones, and they are the reason why. They will never forgive themselves that they are the reason their loved ones are DEAD.

I have lost someone close to Covid (they were only 58) and I am currently losing my dad to cancer - I don’t need you to tell me what the risks are and I think others here are perfectly well informed. I have a similar need to go back and forth to hospital right now. When you are in the position of having to have contact with hospitals and CEV people you do so using what we understand to be best practice. You wash your hands and use sanitiser, you use a hospital grade mask, wear latex gloves, keep sanitising, distance from others. You make a decision based on your duties v the risks. Do I think I’m invincible? No. Do I think that my risk should come before all others? No. Do I think I should abandon all humanity to keep myself safe? No. Do the figures you fail to quote show that people taking sensible precautions to make a brief hospital visit are the source of the Covid spread? What do the figures say about the increased suicide rate during Covid?

I am totally with you on the careless socialising but that isn’t what this is. This is about helping a family member and sensibly managing risk, and I say that as a person who has experienced a Covid related loss and will experience another one in the next few days.

Please start a thread about your husband so we can advise you on how to leave him, or at the very least, think for yourself.

I can't help feeling reason we have a so many deaths and hospitalised cases in the UK is because people put their emotional needs above everything else.

No, that's not what (most) people are doing. We're all just trying to explain to you that life can't stop indefinitely and there are some cases when rules have to be 'broken' to preserve the mental and emotional health of someone. Emotional needs are varied. When

I voted YABU even though I wouldn't personally moan about hospital food even if I was rightly fed up with the situation. Nor would my mum. But there are others on whom isolation takes a much harder toll. Perhaps the OP's mum is one of them.

I live alone, in a different country than all my family and friends. I have hugged 3 people in the last 11 months. The last time I had any kind of human contact was before Christmas. Before that, it was August. Weeks and weeks without touching ANYONE is bloody hard. No annoying kids or annoying husband in the house. Completely alone. I have very bad days when all I can think about is how unnatural being away from other humans is. It's hell, but I get through it without much moaning.

I have a colleague at work, who is very young and also away from her family, she moved here in August and it's the first time she lives alone and in a foreign country. Support bubbles don't exist where I live. Her mental health is shot. She's depressed, she's suicidal, some weeks she can barely function. I regularly have her over for dinner. I will continue seeing her, because her risk of dying of Covid is 0.001 or similar. Her risk of dying from loneliness is much higher. Me seeing her is essential to her mental health. Both our mental health. We need other people to live.

Your friend who in your opinion killed their partner, how essential was that BBQ to either of them? There is a difference between being alone, isolated and needing some human contact from time to time, and just being bored and deciding to break the rules. I have also lost loved ones to Covid. I believe they wouldn't want me to hide away in a cave until this is all over. I'd rather die from the Covid my work colleague brings into my home, than seeing us both be miserable for years on end because we're not allowed contact with other people. We've given up many liberties, I refuse to give up humanity too.

I couldn't leave my DM without clean clothes. But you've asked a question, you've got the answer and you're still arguing.

I'm quite surprised the nurse doing a blood test would have told your dh not to take a bag of items to a vulnerable patient. He'd not have been mixing with patients and just passing them to the ward staff at most.

Or is your dh CV or CEV to covid?

The nurses and doctors on my ward when I was in actually suggested to me that dh was fine to bring bags to my ward. I was also close to the covid wards. He wasn't allowed onto the ward, just like as a patient I wasn't allowed out of the ward, but was fine to be in the corridor handing a bag over.

Not one medical staff suggested that dh, as a healthy non-CV adult, wasn't safe to do so. Obviously he wore a mask and was sanitising his hands before and after.

@Heyahun

Don’t understand how she keeps running out of clean pants - surely one visit to drop off a load of pants and clothes is all that was needed! I’d not be going up daily with bloody food though. She won’t starve.

Maybe go once with a loada underwear, nightwear and snacks in a suitcase and then you’ve done your bit.

How’s she going to get laundry done in hospital? That’s why she’s run out of clean knickers.

This hospital is allowing Visitors.
That is wrong.

Are they allowing visitors? Or are they allowing people to drop off bags to patients at the ward doors? The latter is not wrong.

And actually in some cases patients can have a visitor. Again this is not wrong.

Gosh lots of nasty posts again. Did any of you read the bit that she feels vulnerable, her child has asthma, her husband is SE

The mother has a partner, who having had both jabs is in a far better place to go, and who would have to go if the daughter lived hundreds of miles away

I would probably go ( but would prefer one of my sisters who has had the jab due to work to do it) but I would leave stuff with someone, rather than walk through the hospital to a ward

Is the problem more that you’re the one expected to provide support and deemed mean for not giving it when other perfectly capable people are about?
Come on be honest

EileenGC, I know people are hurting.
This family wanted to see each other, the mum was desperate to see her children and grandchildren.
She freely admits she bullied her DP who was not related into driving an hour away. This is why she blamed herself.

@BMW6

I think YANBU as the sdad is perfectly able to take in whatever your Mum needs.

I would like to know which hospital Trust is allowing visitors onto wards ATM! My DH came out last Tuesday after nearly 2 weeks (not Covid) and I was only allowed to drop off a parcel of clean clothes at reception at main hospital entrance. DH had access to a free phone at bedside 24/7 because no visitors allowed.

Which hospital is your Mum in OP? They are large places so not outing to say.

@BMW6 I don't think the OP said she would be allowed to visit, only that she isn't able to drop things at Reception, so would have to walk through the hospital to leave the belongings at the ward door. This isn't unheard of. .

@EllaPaella

You will only have to go to the entrance- a member of staff will come outside and meet you and take the stuff off you. I am a nurse and we send someone down to the main entrance to pick up belongings - no-one is required to set foot inside the hospital.

Unfortunately not true in this case. I have to take it to the ward

Oops sorry didn’t rtft thought only 2 pages not 20

What a horrible post.

YANBU OP.

@Hoppinggreen

I do comprehend why people don’t agree with me. I actually find it very interesting because when I started the post I was pretty confident I was right but clearly given the strength of opinion it seems I was very wrong. I also think someone has highlighted something very interesting i debt realise - there is some resentment too. I have been pretty careful in Lockdown and my Mum has pushed back against those. She has regularly complained about me “being ridiculous” and has pushed my boundaries on it. She, my sdad and my brother have done whatever they wanted and made me out to be silly for not doing the same. Maybe this request from her felt like another attempt at that and I felt why should I do what I feel puts me and my family as risk when there are people available who havent stuck to the rules. This is why I love MN, your friends and family too often tell you what they think you want to hear but the vipers are brutally honest so genuinely thank you Apart from the cunt who called me fat.

You're the one who's using being overweight as a reason not to take your Mum clean pants! Absolutely no reason to call PP a cunt...

@MaLarkinn

Please start a thread about your husband so we can advise you on how to leave him, or at the very least, think for yourself.

This is probably the funniest post so far Are we now LTB for mildly saying “ you know Hopping I don’t think you should, the nurse advised me on Thursday it wasn’t safe up there on the 3rd floor. It’s a bit unfair of her to ask, can’t sdad go?”

@harriethoyle the post OP is referring to was a pretty vile personal attack: now deleted.

If ever there was a time to call someone a cunt...

And this isn't a male/female thing for me. If the OP was a son I'd say the same.

And again, my dh wouldn't need his mum to ask. He'd have already asked.

I do agree with another poster though - if family have already visited at least 2 or 3 times in the last week how on earth is your mum already running out? As a family you need to be better organised. Take in a rucksack with underwear, nightwear and toiletries to last far longer.

I didn't know how long I'd be staying in hospital so dh made sure he packed plenty just incase. We (the two of us) preempted a longer stay and ensured I had a week's worth of staff inc clothing, toiletries, snacks, chargers, reading materials, things to do, etc.

Depending on the reason for your mum's stay it may be that you need to pack a fortnight's stuff or more. Certainly more that what has been sent so far.