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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to daughter staying overnight with grandparents

116 replies

SidSparrow · 13/02/2021 07:17

My Dad and his wife want DD1 to stay overnight and I don't want her to. We have a bit of a troubled relationship which I'll get to in a bit. We have 2 children - DD2 has just turned a year and is a bit of a lockdown baby so has never really left my side so there would be major drama on her part if she was stay with them. DD1 is very comfortable with her grandparents and could stay no bother. They asked me last week if she could come stay and I said no, that she's a sibling (they share a room together) and you can't really take one and not the other and said that when DD2 is a bit older they can both stay.

Now they have come back to me saying they don't understand my logic. So, here's the background. Firstly I feel that they treat DD1 and DD2 differently. I think they blame it on DD2 being a baby and not seeing her much due to lockdown so they haven't got to know her as much. But when we are all together they are so enraptured by DD1 that DD2 doesn't get as much attention. When DD1 was a baby they were all over her but DD2 is left to get on with it. Even things like food, they give DD1 food then ask about DD2 like she's an afterthought. Letting DD1 stay over would just cement this different treatment. Also, DD1 is nearly 3 now and I wonder what it would say to her that only she goes to gran and grandads and not her sister. It very much feels like DD1 is a grandchild and DD2 is by default.

I don't have a great relationship with them myself. We get on but this is due to considerable effort on my part in keeping the peace - I don't let rip. I feel as though my Dad only tolerates me in order to keep seeing his grandaughter. He often falls out with me, he doesn't say so, he just ignores me for a few days then messages again. He's only finished ignoring me because he reccommended a movie - I said if it included children being hurt then I'm out because I can't watch things like that anymore - I wasn't rude or cheeky and only said it because the last time he recommended a movie it had children dying in a house fire. So he took the huff ane ignored me for about a week. He came back saying he hadn't been in touch because he was hurt?!?! It was ridiculous that anyone could be offended!! Then he was in touch to ask if DD1 can stay. In terms of a supportive loving father - he helps me now and again with money which I am very appreciative of, but that's all I get. He can barely have a conversation with me and I find talking to him extremely difficult as he is so judgemental. I am reluctant to allow DD1 and DD2 get so close as I don't know how he'll be with them when they get older. If it's like how he is with me then I'd rather they never saw him.

I find the whole thing awkward - I don't know what to say to them. Am I right that they should only go as a pair? Is there anyway I can back up this angle to keep him at bay? Any advice on what to say back?

(We're in scotland and they are in our extended household)

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 13/02/2021 07:21

My eldest sleeps at my parents house, my youngest doesn’t yet- mainly because he wakes up throughout the night even at 2. But I let my eldest who’s 4 do lots of things his younger brother can’t do due to his age. Would seem unkind holding one back as they have a younger sibling. For example would you not allow the elsest go to a friends birthday party if the younger one wasn’t invited etc?! Although no parties during covid times

AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 07:21

That’s a lot of baggage, OP. The sharing a room thing is a bit of a thin excuse - the baby is 1, she’s attached to you, not her sibling. What does your DD1 want?

devildeepbluesea · 13/02/2021 07:22

I'm afraid I think YABU.

If your first DD enjoys being with them why would you stop her? It probably is because DD2 is a baby that they're not keen on having her - babies are a much bigger deal overnight.

And I also agree with you that they're probably not that bothered with DD2 because they've hardly spent any time with her. That seems perfectly normal to me. Fingers crossed they can get to know DD2 this year.

I get the impression that you're a bit over-sensitive when it comes to your dad. The movie recommendation thing also sounds like an odd thing to say to him.

OverTheRainbow88 · 13/02/2021 07:22

Also, I think most grandparents find the eldest child easier to look after, mine struggle with my youngest as he’s so full on and busy and won’t really listen that well, but as he gets older and hopefully more calmer they will see him equally as much

Phillipa12 · 13/02/2021 07:24

I think the only angle you need is the fact that you feel that dd1 is still too little. You are the parent, not them and if you say no that should be the end of it, you don't need to defend yourself, just tell them no and its not up for discussion, then sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet for a few days.

Iris27 · 13/02/2021 07:24

Yeah sorry I don't get your logic either.

PracticingPerson · 13/02/2021 07:26

If the GPs are difficult people, you are entitled to say no. There is no law that they have to do this and no law that GPs are entitled to demand it. I would stop making specific reasons though as they wear thin and people argue and argue and argue.

What I would say is simply 'Oh, sorry, that just isn't what I want to happen' and leave it there.

What other people do with their kids is irrelevant - there are millions of families and everyone does things differently. You can do what you like in this regard. The context of your relationship is important. Anyone who has difficult relationships with family will understand.

user1493413286 · 13/02/2021 07:28

My first thought was that one going is fine as my pil will take just one of our DC (1 yo and 3yo) but that’s primarily because they find having both quite tricky while DS2 is still so young but in a different way to your situation they do alternate having each and there’s no difference in their treatment of either child. They haven’t seen as much of DS as they did DD in her first year but they still absolutely dote on him.
Considering how differently they treat your DC I’d be cautious of encouraging that. In terms of how he treats you it’s really hard as I think how grandparents are with dgd is often very different to how they were as parents; I’ve seen that with my DHs parents and my own grandparents.

Marley20 · 13/02/2021 07:30

I really think you're overthinking this. DD2 is a baby, who they've never really known up until now and who just needs you atm. DD1 they have a relationship with and have obviously missed terribly. Their attitude towards DD2 right now will probably not be how they act moving forward when DD2 is older and they get to know her. Both kids are too young to notice being seperated or treated differently. It's usual in kids this age I think.

It doesn't sound like there's a real issue with DD1 staying with them. It sounds like you just don't want her to because of your poor relationship with your dad. I think you have to make a choice, is he in their lives, as a grandparent doing all the things a grandparent does (like overnight stays) or not? Then be open about your choice.

Original poster
SidSparrow · 13/02/2021 07:30

My logic is that if they were terrible parents then they can be terrible grandparents. Maybe not now when they are young and cute but older. My background with them is really troubled.

I know I'm using the sibling thing as an excuse but I don't know how to let them down gently.

OP posts:
year5teacher · 13/02/2021 07:30

Fair enough it’s your choice to say no, you are the parent. However, YABU about the “sibling” thing. Sorry but no one could think that made sense. It’s obvious that you could just explain to DD1 that her sister isn’t going yet as she’s too little to have a night away from home without you.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/02/2021 07:30

OP, in the nicest way, you sound a bit precious.

My parents adore both of my children but they know DD1 so much better because they’ve known her longer. They know what she likes to eat and play with. She stays at theirs regularly. DD2 will have the same relationship when she’s older but she’s just a baby currently. They both love playing with her but she doesn’t stay over because she’s a baby and needs DH and I.

The film thing does sound like you were rude. Next time just ask what it’s about. If it doesn’t sound like your thing, don’t watch it. Hmm

Mypathtriedtokillme · 13/02/2021 07:31

If you you don’t feel comfortable with your DD going stay, then she doesn’t.
End of discussion, no excuses.
“No Dad that doesn’t work for us” if he gets in a gets in a huff about it then that’s his issue.

Your Dd is 3 and won’t actually care and would likely rather be at home with you.

Jinglealltheway22 · 13/02/2021 07:31

Have a look at the stately homes thread in relationships.

If you don't want DD1 to go overnight then the answer is no.

You don't get on with your dad, so why would you allow him unsupervised access to your children?

AnnLouiseB · 13/02/2021 07:33

I don’t think it’s an issue for them to have one and not the other at this stage - the baby is too young to go, it’s fine to have different rules for kids of different ages. But all of the other stuff changes things - if you don’t trust your father to have a fair and reliable relationship with the girls, then I can see why you want to keep your distance from him. But in that case I would never let either child stay overnight with him.

LBTM · 13/02/2021 07:33

I've got two of the same age as yours OP and the older one has had a few sleepovers with grandparents (and loves it) but the younger one is nowhere near ready for that. I really don't think they need to go as a pair. My parents have a closer relationship with my DC1 than DC2 but I'm sure that it will even up as they get older. It's fine if you don't feel comfortable with your DC1 staying over, but saying they need to come as a pair isn't reasonable.

glassshoes · 13/02/2021 07:34

I think your first sentence is enough for me. These are your children. Your are not deprivibg then of a relationship with their grandparents by not allowing them to sleepover. I think the more you talk and think of reasons the more they will counter this. I think smile and say it doesn't work for us, and refocus the conversation on something else.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/02/2021 07:35

@SidSparrow

My logic is that if they were terrible parents then they can be terrible grandparents. Maybe not now when they are young and cute but older. My background with them is really troubled.

I know I'm using the sibling thing as an excuse but I don't know how to let them down gently.

If there was abuse, I’d agree with not letting them having either child without your presence. You let DD1 stay by herself though...

From the sounds of it, my PIL did not parent in a way I agree with. They are very doting grandparents though because parenting and grandparenting are two different things.

bez91 · 13/02/2021 07:36

I'm a bit unsure as to why your parents would be in your 'extended houses hold' if you say you don't get on with them, you have a troubled past with them and they were terrible parents 🤔 but they lend you money and stuff.

The film thing is just odd on your part. It sounds to me like there's a bigger picture here that you need to make a decision on... does the problem lie with you OP or them and act accordingly. The DD staying overnight seems to have actually nothing to do with it

Love51 · 13/02/2021 07:36

In Mumsnet land it seems like everyone sends their kids for overnights at grandparents, whether they like the grandparents or not. My dd first did an overnight at 4.5. (I was lucky enough not to need her to be looked after overnight when I had dc2). Why would you send your child for an overnight if there's no reason to, especially if you aren't totally relaxed with the adults. They can see your child with you!

PinkyParrot · 13/02/2021 07:37

Perhaps you need to come out and say that you feel they were not good parents to you and you don't want the DDS to stay with them.

Otherwise this will run and run.

If you are happy that the DD1 stays with them then let it happen otherwise speak up.

If you are dependent on them for child care or support then you will have to put up with it.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/02/2021 07:37

I think YABU regarding the children but I can see that you have a lot of underlying issues with your parents here that have not been resolved. It seems like you are making small things into big things but that’s probably because of the troubles you have had.

The film for example (Manchester By The Sea?) seems like an overreacting but it sounds like all this stems from something much deeper.

Stressedoutsomuch · 13/02/2021 07:39

Ultimately they are you kids so you get to decide.

It sounds as if there must be a huge back story. Why was your up bringing troubled.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/02/2021 07:42

Why would you send your child for an overnight if there's no reason to, especially if you aren't totally relaxed with the adults. They can see your child with you!

My DD1 goes for sleepovers at my parents’ house because she loves it. She gets their undivided attention and they love having her. We live close enough to them that she never really needs to stay over apart from a few odd occasions but it happens because they all enjoy it.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 13/02/2021 07:43

Ok they are your kids so what does it matter what a bunch of strangers think. But you did ask .... and I think you are being a kill joy only from what you have told us