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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to daughter staying overnight with grandparents

116 replies

SidSparrow · 13/02/2021 07:17

My Dad and his wife want DD1 to stay overnight and I don't want her to. We have a bit of a troubled relationship which I'll get to in a bit. We have 2 children - DD2 has just turned a year and is a bit of a lockdown baby so has never really left my side so there would be major drama on her part if she was stay with them. DD1 is very comfortable with her grandparents and could stay no bother. They asked me last week if she could come stay and I said no, that she's a sibling (they share a room together) and you can't really take one and not the other and said that when DD2 is a bit older they can both stay.

Now they have come back to me saying they don't understand my logic. So, here's the background. Firstly I feel that they treat DD1 and DD2 differently. I think they blame it on DD2 being a baby and not seeing her much due to lockdown so they haven't got to know her as much. But when we are all together they are so enraptured by DD1 that DD2 doesn't get as much attention. When DD1 was a baby they were all over her but DD2 is left to get on with it. Even things like food, they give DD1 food then ask about DD2 like she's an afterthought. Letting DD1 stay over would just cement this different treatment. Also, DD1 is nearly 3 now and I wonder what it would say to her that only she goes to gran and grandads and not her sister. It very much feels like DD1 is a grandchild and DD2 is by default.

I don't have a great relationship with them myself. We get on but this is due to considerable effort on my part in keeping the peace - I don't let rip. I feel as though my Dad only tolerates me in order to keep seeing his grandaughter. He often falls out with me, he doesn't say so, he just ignores me for a few days then messages again. He's only finished ignoring me because he reccommended a movie - I said if it included children being hurt then I'm out because I can't watch things like that anymore - I wasn't rude or cheeky and only said it because the last time he recommended a movie it had children dying in a house fire. So he took the huff ane ignored me for about a week. He came back saying he hadn't been in touch because he was hurt?!?! It was ridiculous that anyone could be offended!! Then he was in touch to ask if DD1 can stay. In terms of a supportive loving father - he helps me now and again with money which I am very appreciative of, but that's all I get. He can barely have a conversation with me and I find talking to him extremely difficult as he is so judgemental. I am reluctant to allow DD1 and DD2 get so close as I don't know how he'll be with them when they get older. If it's like how he is with me then I'd rather they never saw him.

I find the whole thing awkward - I don't know what to say to them. Am I right that they should only go as a pair? Is there anyway I can back up this angle to keep him at bay? Any advice on what to say back?

(We're in scotland and they are in our extended household)

OP posts:
Original poster
SidSparrow · 13/02/2021 09:06

@yahyahs22 I did, it was about a child being kidnapped.

I was friendly, 'if it's about children being hurt then I'm out, I get anxious enough as it is.'.

My Dad has a bit of a history with movies. I laugh about it now but he gave me Deliverance on dvd (or maybe it was vhs) when I was 12.

OP posts:
WhySoSensitive · 13/02/2021 09:09

You don’t need an excuse.

You just say no? You don’t want them staying away.
Surely?

Aspiringmatriarch · 13/02/2021 09:15

Without knowing the background of why your relationship is so strained, your behaviour and reasoning don't really seem to make much sense. So it's hard to say whether you're being unfair.

On the strength of what you've posted, I think your reasons for not allowing DD2 a sleepover are a bit flimsy and it sounds as if you're very prickly with your dad (the comment about a film recommendation was unnecessary), there's no suggestion that they're deliberately excluding DD2, and you obviously have some sort of relationship if they're part of your extended household and help out with money here and there.

But I'm sure you have reasons for feeling the rest you do, and where there is a lot of complicated backstory it can be hard to gauge your own reactions as things can trigger you in different ways. Also difficult for anyone on the internet to understand and advise.

I had a similarly strained relationship with my parents a few years ago, dating back mainly to my teenage years when things were difficult and frankly they did not behave at all well and it was quite damaging. I found counselling really helpful and actually after a period of being more distant I now have a really lovely relationship with my parents as I've been able to let go of some of the baggage and redraw the boundaries (however, this was quite traumatic at the time and did involve one major falling out).

Anyway I'm not sure how relevant this is to you but I had a similarly conflicted relationship - close on the one hand, distrustful on the other, and I found counselling the only thing that helped me make sense of it all.

Onadifferentuniverse · 13/02/2021 09:15

‘ My logic is that if they were terrible parents then they can be terrible grandparents. Maybe not now when they are young and cute but older. My background with them is really troubled.’

But you’ve openly said you’d let dd1 go and she’d be fine. You’re only saying no as they don’t want both of them?

There is no logic here. If they’re bad people why would you allow either of them to have such a close relationship?

Whywonttheyhelpme · 13/02/2021 09:15

My two didn’t have sleepovers until they were old enough to go together and more importantly I was comfortable with them going. If you are not comfortable then they stay at home.

Don’t mince your words or make thin excuses for them to pick apart. Just say you are sorry to disappoint them but although DC1 loves their company you are not confident in leaving her overnight.

Ginfordinner · 13/02/2021 09:27

I don't understand the posters who say YABU. Your dad and stepmum don't sound very nice, and if you don't feel comfortable about your youngest staying there then she doesn't go. End of.

Sickoffamilydrama · 13/02/2021 09:30

It's okay OP to say No.

Isawthathaggis · 13/02/2021 09:35

If you’re not comfortable then say no, you have sound reasons, well done for standing up for your dd.
You should probably stop taking his money too though.
Not that by him giving you money he’s buying you, absolutely not. But you can’t take with one hand when it suits and push away with the other.

Sickoffamilydrama · 13/02/2021 09:42

Grrr caught the post button 🤦‍♀️
You also don't have to explain your No just No thanks.
Years ago My MIL and SisIL pushed and pushed to have our DDs overnight I ignored my feelings of discomfort it turns out I was right to feel uncomfortable although nothing majorly bad happened & luckily they are both okay but we will never allow them to have them again.

Since then we've had a third child & My MIL is obsessed with boys has a very good relationship with DS but still will not be allowed to take him overnight.

bloodyhairy · 13/02/2021 09:52

You're being massively unreasonable. I have 3 siblings, and I'm so glad that my parents didn't do the whole 'all the kids or nothing' thing, as we were growing up. You are thinking only of yourself. If your daughter is keen, let her go!

bloodyhairy · 13/02/2021 09:53

And my parents are much better grandparents than they were parents.

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 13/02/2021 09:59

The way you describe your dad and your relationship with him and concerns for the future I would refuse full stop.

2021ishere2021 · 13/02/2021 10:00

To be honest your logic doesn't make much sense which is why they are questioning it. You have kind of made life more complicated for yourself by the way you have gone about it.

I think there is a lot of background here that is missing if they were horrendous parents because there was some sort of abuse obviously you just don't let your child/ children go there. If they were horrendous parents because you just weren't similar people and had a lot of friction, that is totally different. It would be a shame to not know your GP's because your mum was a difficult relationship with her parents but they are good people

MissMarpleDarling · 13/02/2021 10:01

Ridiculous logic. YABVU.

MissMarpleDarling · 13/02/2021 10:03

I'd babysit my nephew over night but not his 1 year old baby sister as she is 1..... you made yourself look simple OP.

Cocomarine · 13/02/2021 10:06

I love that this is all so awkward, but not so awkward that you can’t take his money.

YoniAndGuy · 13/02/2021 10:09

@SunshineLollipopsRainbow

The way you describe your dad and your relationship with him and concerns for the future I would refuse full stop.
Yes, this.

You describe a lightly abusive relationship with your father. You step out of line, he punishes you. You've said no thanks to a suggestion regarding YOUR children - he's come back questioning it.

You say you keep the peace. This only works up until the point you have children of your own, in my experience. I was where you are at. No contact with certain family members was the end point.

You have two choices - withdraw a LOT, to low or no contact, or start setting boundaries for the sake of your children.

Start with the messaging. He ignores you to punish you, then he messages again. Don't reply. Don't let him get away with it. He bows up. You reply - 'I'm not ok with you punishing me by ignoring me, I'm not putting up with it any more. Next time you do this, I'll be deleting your number, because I'm not going to allow my children to see an adult thinking it's ok to behave so atrociously.'

Your kids. He 'doesn't see your logic'. You reply with a smile - 'Well, you don't have to - I'm their parent, I know them, and I know what we want to do here. We're not up for overnights when they're so small.' The end. No need to get into a discussion on how they treat them. YOU feel it has the potential to be divisive - that's enough. If they come good, if you SEE them come good - then things can change.

Your children.
Your responsibility.
You don't have to justify the decisions you make.
You ESPECIALLY don't have to justify them to an adult who clearly feels they have some right to control you, punish you, dictate to you.

Mischance · 13/02/2021 10:23

The reason that my DC did not stay with grandparents was because one lot were seriously eccentric and drank a lot; and the other lot were at each other's throats all the time and I did not want my children to be exposed to that with no escape.

Both sets seemed perfectly normal to an outsider, but we knew better.

LuaDipa · 13/02/2021 10:34

YoniAndGuy has it.

On the surface your concerns may seem trivial but they come from your own disfunctional upbringing. Your dp have no right to punish you for perceived slights, don’t tolerate this treatment. Your kids, your rules.

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2021 10:34

You don’t need an excuse. You’re obviously uncomfortable with it. But, your life would be easier If you could face things more directly. It’s ridiculous to say they always go as a pair, dd1 is older and will do many things before dd2. You need to say no she’s too young to stay over.
And I’d watch the time she spends with them if they speak to her like that. When they say something critical do you contradict them so she knows you have your back and she doesn’t have to go along with it? They were crappy parents to you and you don’t owe them your children.

Angeldust2810 · 13/02/2021 10:41

They don’t need to understand your logic. You don’t need to justify your decision to anyone. They are your children. The answer is no. End of.

ChancesWhatChances · 13/02/2021 10:43

YABU

TartanLassie · 13/02/2021 10:45

@Mypathtriedtokillme

If you you don’t feel comfortable with your DD going stay, then she doesn’t. End of discussion, no excuses. “No Dad that doesn’t work for us” if he gets in a gets in a huff about it then that’s his issue.

Your Dd is 3 and won’t actually care and would likely rather be at home with you.

This! If you don't want her to stay, she doesn't stay!

If they were shit parents chances are they will be shit grandparents. Protect your child.

Thesheerrelief · 13/02/2021 10:47

It's fine to say no for whatever reason you think. They don't have to understand your logic and the fact they keep pushing it shows they don't respect your view. Your dad's moodiness seems to be a tool to get his own way.

Cherrysoup · 13/02/2021 10:49

Why on earth would you leave your child with them? They sound horrendous!