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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to daughter staying overnight with grandparents

116 replies

SidSparrow · 13/02/2021 07:17

My Dad and his wife want DD1 to stay overnight and I don't want her to. We have a bit of a troubled relationship which I'll get to in a bit. We have 2 children - DD2 has just turned a year and is a bit of a lockdown baby so has never really left my side so there would be major drama on her part if she was stay with them. DD1 is very comfortable with her grandparents and could stay no bother. They asked me last week if she could come stay and I said no, that she's a sibling (they share a room together) and you can't really take one and not the other and said that when DD2 is a bit older they can both stay.

Now they have come back to me saying they don't understand my logic. So, here's the background. Firstly I feel that they treat DD1 and DD2 differently. I think they blame it on DD2 being a baby and not seeing her much due to lockdown so they haven't got to know her as much. But when we are all together they are so enraptured by DD1 that DD2 doesn't get as much attention. When DD1 was a baby they were all over her but DD2 is left to get on with it. Even things like food, they give DD1 food then ask about DD2 like she's an afterthought. Letting DD1 stay over would just cement this different treatment. Also, DD1 is nearly 3 now and I wonder what it would say to her that only she goes to gran and grandads and not her sister. It very much feels like DD1 is a grandchild and DD2 is by default.

I don't have a great relationship with them myself. We get on but this is due to considerable effort on my part in keeping the peace - I don't let rip. I feel as though my Dad only tolerates me in order to keep seeing his grandaughter. He often falls out with me, he doesn't say so, he just ignores me for a few days then messages again. He's only finished ignoring me because he reccommended a movie - I said if it included children being hurt then I'm out because I can't watch things like that anymore - I wasn't rude or cheeky and only said it because the last time he recommended a movie it had children dying in a house fire. So he took the huff ane ignored me for about a week. He came back saying he hadn't been in touch because he was hurt?!?! It was ridiculous that anyone could be offended!! Then he was in touch to ask if DD1 can stay. In terms of a supportive loving father - he helps me now and again with money which I am very appreciative of, but that's all I get. He can barely have a conversation with me and I find talking to him extremely difficult as he is so judgemental. I am reluctant to allow DD1 and DD2 get so close as I don't know how he'll be with them when they get older. If it's like how he is with me then I'd rather they never saw him.

I find the whole thing awkward - I don't know what to say to them. Am I right that they should only go as a pair? Is there anyway I can back up this angle to keep him at bay? Any advice on what to say back?

(We're in scotland and they are in our extended household)

OP posts:
Serin · 13/02/2021 10:53

If you aren't happy with her going then just say that, dont make up an excuse about her needing to go with her sister.
They aren't joined at the hip.

Ginfordinner · 13/02/2021 10:54

Have the posters saying YABU even bothered to read all the Op's posts?

Of course YANBU.

FlyingSuitcase · 13/02/2021 10:55

You need to untangle a lot of different issues here. I disagree with you on separating the siblings - they are individuals and sometimes one will be old enough to do something before the other is.

However, she is only 2! It's completely fine to say no. Don't say "yes when DD2 is old enough", don't say "yes but not til she's 4" or even 8 because that time will come before you know it and there may be other concerns then. Just say no, she's still too little, repeat ad nauseam until she is 17 if necessary Grin. Do not get into a discussion or give them 17 spurious reasons because they will just see that as a challenge. The less you say, the more convincing you will be.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 13/02/2021 10:57

Gosh OP..pretty much everyone except for the mother thinks of the oldest child as a more dominant and interesting character!! I mean babies are mainly just attached to their mother right? Feeding, a bit of crawling,a bit of babbling..3 year olds are funny, can do lots of things, and most importantly are interested in their grandparents. Babies don’t care about grandparents! I think you’re being silly. If she wants to go, and they’re kind to her and she has fun, just let her go.
And I don’t know how bad a parent he actually was to you, but grandchild/grandparent relationship is a very very different dynamic. So unless there are safeguarding concerns I don’t think you should worry.

ArnoJambonsBike · 13/02/2021 10:57

I'd blow the whole thing up. The relationship is abusive so you have nothing to lose. Disclaimer - I'm a that with clear boundaries.

"Just because you were so terrible at parenting that your daughter had to stay with her grandparents, doesn't make me have to do the same with mine"

Then delete, block and be happy with your nuclear family, not the family you've gone nuclear with.

splishsplashsploosh · 13/02/2021 10:59

YANBU - Trust your instincts.

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 11:02

I used to go and stay with my granny without my brother all the time. He’d have been bored shitless by the stuff we used to do together. He didn’t appear to have been scarred by it, I suspect he really enjoyed having my mum all to himself while I wasn’t there.

B1rthis · 13/02/2021 11:02

No
This works for us
We do things differently in our little family
Thank you for offering but no my daughter will not be staying over night.

Don't entertain a discussion over your parent decisions.

teaorwine · 13/02/2021 11:07

@sidsparrow, that you experienced such emotional neglect /abuse that your school intervened and arranged for you to return to your grandparents care presumably at least 15 yrs ago tells me that they could see your unhappiness was directly caused by living with your df and dsm. Emotional neglect and abuse wasn’t taken as seriously then as physical or sexual abuse, and schools were often reluctant to get involved in this way, so it’s indicative of how unhappy you were.
I think you need counseling to help you with your past and to help you with your boundaries. yabu to say no to overnights, but you can say no without needing to make up a reason. No, I’m don’t want overnights is enough.

Wearywithteens · 13/02/2021 11:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Nacknick · 13/02/2021 11:09

What does it mean to bean extended household in Scotland? Forgive my ignorance but I haven’t come across the term before.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/02/2021 11:13

Op I think you’re over thinking it. I used to worry the same, as my in laws were all for their first grandchild (my eldest DC) They would ask for eldest to stay over and not take my youngest DC however this definitely all changed when my youngest DC got to around 2/3 years old, had their own personality and emotionally needed us less. They love and spoil them both and have them together now. Although my eldest hardly ever goes now as at that age, but my youngest Dc is there right now playing in the Hot tub and controlling their tv Smile

ursuslemonade · 13/02/2021 11:13

Errr I think you need to work on yourself because what you've said about them and the way they were and are right now with you and your dd I would be massively reducing the time spent with them. Frankly they were mentally and psychologically abusive to you when growing up. Why would you expose your kids to this shit deliberately? You can say no. And don't have to justify it.
Yes your kids are only small and cute now but the crap already started (the constant put downs for a 3 yo, wtf)

You and your kids don't have to have a relationship with them. And you don't have to explain. Well you could tell them how shit it was for you living with them but I don't think they would see it themselves.
If I were you I would distance myself from them. After all, they are not decent people and your dd is not their plaything. Perhaps they should have treated you with love and kindness...I am sorry for what you went through while in their "care".

Thislittlefinger123 · 13/02/2021 11:14

Just say no. They don't need to stay overnight so if you're not comfortable just say no. No GP has a right to have their GC overnight. Be polite but firm.

Snowymcsnowsony · 13/02/2021 11:16

Beware of the future op. Regular unsupervised access can lead to your frankly not very nice df trying to claim dgps rights... My df was a useless df. He did see my dc with me present for a couple of years. Then he went back to his feckless ways and we are now nc. Shudder to think if he had tried for access...

superram · 13/02/2021 11:16

Mine usually go together but there have been times when only one has gone, you are being ridiculous.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/02/2021 11:17

And before covid patrol hound me he is allowed over because he has SEN and they help with childcare and respite.

MsSquiz · 13/02/2021 11:17

If you don't want your child to stay with them, then just say no. You don't have to explain why or make up excuses.

If they are good grandparents and she enjoys spending time with them, I don't see the problem, personally. People can be very different as grandparents than they were as parents.

MsSquiz · 13/02/2021 11:21

Also, some grandparents can only cope with 1 grandchild at a time. My PIL's have had their oldest grandson stay many times, but his twin younger siblings have never stayed.
While this might be unfair to the twins, it means he has spent time separately with his grandparents and his parents have 1 less child to look after.

You might be cutting your nose off to spite your face when it comes to you or one of your children wanting one on one time with you, as they might not offer to babysit

Scarlettpixie · 13/02/2021 11:22

You are under no obligation to lend your child out for sleepovers. She is not a toy. They can see her in the daytime (covid permitting).

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 13/02/2021 11:37

I don't know why you want your children being alone with them full stop?

Is it the obligation of 'they're the grandparents'?

But they were shit parents. So shit you were sent to live with someone else. Why do you think they'll treat your daughters any better?

It's not a right to see grand children. You sound like you have a lot of emotional baggage to unpick from your childhood. I wouldn't inflict that upon your children too.

cautiouscovidity · 13/02/2021 11:39

I don't really get it. My eldest often stayed at grandparents on her own when DC2 was still a baby. They then started staying together once DC2 was perhaps 2.5.

MzHz · 13/02/2021 12:13

@SidSparrow trust your instincts

What you’ve said here is probably the tip of the iceberg.

You’re not comfortable with your kids staying over, then just say no.

If you get ignored for a while - bonus. Let him stew.

You’re not in the wrong here.

EachBleachBlairTrump · 13/02/2021 12:21

Given your examples you are right to not want them to have unsupervised contact, but your excuse is rubbish

WingingItSince1973 · 13/02/2021 13:00

Just say no. They are your children and you have every right and very good reasons. I wouldn't want my parents saying those weird things to my kids and I certainly don't say them to my 5 year old GS. Also I totally agree with the film. My mum recommended a programme to me, Marcella, because she knows I love detective dramas and she had watched it but I said no as it involved children and I just don't find anything like that entertaining. She didn't fall out with me (she falls out with me other other stuff though 🤣). Please please don't be forced into something you don't feel comfortable with. A sleepover is a whole different level to just a couple of hours spent with them. I do have my GS alot but that's because he lived with us for the first 2 years of his life and we have a strong bond and I make sure I'm on the same page as my DD. Take care and just relax and keep her at home with you. If they sulk then so be it, not your problem x

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