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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:

DavidsSchitt · 12/02/2021 13:14

"Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever? "

Yes, that's what it means. You have no say in the matter.

It's got literally fuck all to do with you.

Shoxfordian · 12/02/2021 13:16

It doesn’t have anything to do with you but I can see why it would annoy you that your dp is a mug

MadameButterface · 12/02/2021 13:17

His brother probably gets you shit presents because you've got a horrible attitude towards him and he picks up on it.

I think the brother doesn't get op any presents at all, (which is fair enough, as op clearly thinks that gift giving is a straight swap transaction type of affair, and if op spends a penny of their own money on the brother I will show my arse in lidl), I think op has a long standing habit on their many many threads going back for years of talking about 'we' and 'us' wrt their boyfriend's own private property, hence a gift given to the bf is 'for us'.

MustardMitt · 12/02/2021 13:18

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes that is exactly what everyone is saying. Over and over, on all the threads you post. You’re allowed an opinion, but you’re not allowed any input because it’s not your money!

fistasledge · 12/02/2021 13:21

Even if you think IABU would you not be annoyed at the unequalness, especially if you were told that it didn't involve you and you had no say, if your partner did this to you?

But he isn't doing anything to you. It literally doesn't affect you in any way at all. You are not hard done by in this decision, out of pocket or at all inconvenienced. It may be unfair but it isn't your business how he spends his money

rawlikesushi · 12/02/2021 13:22

Anyone telling me what I could and couldn't spend my money on would be told to fuck off.

And the reason his brother buys you a shit gift is because he tells his brother everything you say about him.

I'd buy you a shit gift too.

Redwinestillfine · 12/02/2021 13:22

It depends on whether 1) he is a partner or boyfriend, you say partner but don't seem to be in a serious relationship 2) is his brother a brother? What's the age gap? Could it be a son? 3) culture, maybe big brothers mothering little brothers is a thing? Either way if it's not family money it's not really your business but if he's like this a lot then it may be worth finding someone else who wants to make it family money if you want a say in how it's spent.

MrsBobDylan · 12/02/2021 13:24

You aren't compatible.

user1473878824 · 12/02/2021 13:25

Oh my god you again

espressoontap · 12/02/2021 13:27

You don't live together.

You don't have joint finances.

It's your DP's money, not yours.

Nothing to do with you. He can spend it on what and who he likes.

SlothMama · 12/02/2021 13:28

It's his money at the end of the day, he can do as he pleases with it

Ginger1982 · 12/02/2021 13:28

You're batshit. Would you expect the same if the situation was reversed?

ittakes2 · 12/02/2021 13:29

I think it depends very much if these purchases affect you in anyway. My husband is equally very generous with his family - even more so than your hubby. But he is also generous with me and I want for nothing. My husband works hard and it makes him happy to provide for his original family. I want my husband to be happy and it makes him happy so I don't involve myself. I kind of view it like a hobby for him - if he spent this much on a hobby it wouldn't bother me either. I think it strengthens our relationship because he knows I am supportive of him helping his family. But I guess if supporting his family meant our family had to do without - I might feel differently.

Ivy455 · 12/02/2021 13:31

@Iloveacurry

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be honest. But that being said, if he’s your partner, you’re not married, and you don’t live together nor do you share finances, you can’t really say anything as it’s his money.

Obviously your partner is a mug when he comes to his brother. His brother is old enough to be married so their relationship should be equal, but it’s not.

If I was you, you need to think about if you were ever to get married or live together, have kids, how this would effect you and whether your partner would put you and your family first over his brother.

This really. I can see why you're irritated - he's spending an insane amount of money on an adult sibling when he could be saving for your future, however as others have pointed out as you don't share finances there isn't anything you can do about it. Personally I don't think I could continue the relationship knowing we had such opposing attitudes towards finances so I'd have a long think about the future of this relationship OP.

Jasmin3Tea · 12/02/2021 13:32

I don't understand why you're so annoyed if you're not sharing finances...it's literally no skin off your nose what he does with his money. What would you prefer him to do with his own money? Give it to you? This poor man is covered in leeches.

Topseyt · 12/02/2021 13:35

Bloody hell. I've seen some of your previous threads.

You aren't married, you don't share finances and as far as I can work out you don't even live together. You are just two people who live at different addresses. You have NO more say in how HE spends HIS money than you do over how your neighbours spend theirs. It really isn't difficult to understand.

Wind your neck in and leave him to it.

MacDuffsMuff · 12/02/2021 13:36

Hang on ... you think you should be able to tell your boyfriend what to spend his money on, even though you're not married, don't live together and don't have children together? Is that right?

Neenan · 12/02/2021 13:37

I remember your posts because you write "borrow me some money" instead of "lend me some money" and it drives me nuts.

MacDuffsMuff · 12/02/2021 13:37

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Well, yes. Why on earth would you have any say on how he spends his money? Genuinely, why?

thelittlestrhino · 12/02/2021 13:40

@Neenan

I remember your posts because you write "borrow me some money" instead of "lend me some money" and it drives me nuts.

Same!

LuaDipa · 12/02/2021 13:40

You are obviously unhappy with his attitude towards you, and to be honest even though you have received a bit of a battering I don’t necessarily think you are wrong to expect to have some input.

However I do think that he has made his feelings extremely clear. He isn’t going to change his opinion, however many times you post. I think you need to decide if this is something you can live with or not and if you can’t you need to end the relationship and move on.

JustAnotherOldMan · 12/02/2021 13:41

Sorry, but If I was seeing someone (I not), and they told me not to spend my money on my own family, she would be out the door so quick feet wouldn’t touch the ground

FrancesHaHa · 12/02/2021 13:42

I would only be concerned if either a) your partner lacked capacity which clearly doesn't seem to be the case and/ or b) he was being financially exploited, which also doesn't seem to be the case. Otherwise he can crack on and do what he likes with his own money as he doesn't share finances or have kids with you.

VeganCow · 12/02/2021 13:42

YANBU to be pissed off at the grabby brother and his wife, however YABU to think you have any say in it at all. I would leave him, imagine how bad things will get if you do ever marry him, there will be uproar

LolaSmiles · 12/02/2021 13:49

Even if you think IABU would you not be annoyed at the unequalness, especially if you were told that it didn't involve you and you had no say, if your partner did this to you?
You're still not getting this.
You and your boyfriend (I'm not going to say partner because it doesn't sound like a partner relationship) haven't built a life together. You don't live together. You don't share finances.

His brother might be the grabbiest grabber of them all, but it is still none of your business what your boyfriend does with his money.

I would be annoyed if my DH bought a sibling a car, because we have a joint life, joint finances, children etc. The fact you can't (won't) see the difference between relationships that are a shared life and 2 separate adults dating is the cause of your anguish. You seem to view this relationship as a lot more serious than it actually is.

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