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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 12/02/2021 12:35

You don't live together. You don't share finances. It's none of your business what he does with his money.

However as you are in a relationship with him and know his family well then of course it's normal for you to pass comment when the subject comes up. Couples do that.

Is there really any point throwing your lot in with a man hellbent on regularly bestowing large monetary gifts/items on his adult sibling?

Are you planning to live together if so are you both saving towards that? In any event you'd forever be arguing about him spending your
family money on his brother.

You don't live together now and you're already arguing about money. Sometimes you have to know and accept when you are beaten. For him, his brother comes first. If that bothers you this much your only option is to walk away.

Or stay, and still be posting same subject on MN for years to come.

Playnoh · 12/02/2021 12:39

It’s hard to vote op @NetflixandChillOut without knowing your circumstances as that would affect the way I vote l. If you live together, have a mortgage/share rent, or have kids then I would I say yanbu. However, if you don’t have kids/live together then I would say YABU he can do what he likes with his money.

Frazzled2207 · 12/02/2021 12:41

I said YANBU but then I realised that you are not married nor cohabiting with this man. And you don't share finances so YABU.

Clearly it is unsatisfactory but unless he agrees to share finances with you (which IMO is a must-have for a long term relationship) then it's nobody's business but his.
If on the other hand you had joint money and him buying a car directly meant that you could not have a car, or a holiday, or a house extension then clearly ywnbu at all to be thoroughly miffed.

ArosGartref · 12/02/2021 12:42

Thanks to @Bluntness100 for getting in quick and preventing me from wasting time on this thread. I shall duly go waste time on another thread.

RantyAnty · 12/02/2021 12:43

It seems you feel your relationship is more like a marriage than he does.

I haven't read your previous posts. Is there a reason you're not married to your bf? If you were, then I'd say you would have some say about it as it would affect the marriage.

Since you aren't married, he doesn't see you as having any say in his finances.

Yes, your boyfriend is being a mug with his DB but there isn't much you can do about that.

WilsonMilson · 12/02/2021 12:47

You need to elaborate more on the circumstances.

You say you don’t share finances. But do you live together or have children? If not then it’s frankly none of your business how he spends his money.

Secondly, what’s your partner’s financial status compared to his brother? Perhaps your dp is wealthy and can afford to. Also, is this a cultural thing as in some cultures it’s common for this sort of thing in families.

I think the real question here is whether you should remain in a relationship where you have fundamentally different ideas about your finances, as this won’t get better if you do end up living together, having kids, sharing finances. I’d suggest that you’re fundamentally not suited in terms of your values around money.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 12/02/2021 12:48

I don’t think the issue is the money but how much of a doormat your partner is. If this is unappealing you need to tell him so

merrymouse · 12/02/2021 12:49

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes.

HoppingPavlova · 12/02/2021 12:49

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes, that’s exactly what it means. You have no say in the matter whatsoever.

MrsIsobelCrawley · 12/02/2021 12:49

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

As he has made clear, it is his money and you don't have any say in the matter.

Also, he is not your partner. He is a boyfriend.

KaptainKaveman · 12/02/2021 12:53

It's his money. He can do what he likes with it.

Clearly you are the grabby one OP.

2020iscancelled · 12/02/2021 12:54

Well yes OP that’s exactly what people are saying.

You have no authority here!!!!

You do not share finances and therefore assuming that your partner is of sound mind, is not vulnerable and being taking advantage of, this has absolutely nothing to do with you and he does not have to discuss it or seek your input or approval.

The only exception to his would be if you had discussed marriage and babies and would be joining finances in the near future and needed to have financial clarity and agreement on expectations. This is the only time I would say that someone has some right to an opinion.

But even then I would say he isn’t wrong for helping his brother and he wouldn’t be unreasonable for saying “this is what I choose to do with my money so either like it or leave”

Then you have to make a decision if this is the type of dynamic you are happy with in future life.

As it stands you have very little right to a say on what he does - have an opinion all you like but you might find he does not want or need to hear it

clockstopper · 12/02/2021 12:54

You don't share finances so it is absolutely none of your business.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2021 12:54

you need to elaborate more on the circumstances

Honestly he really doesn’t, plenty of threads to read from the op on this subject, a couple even linked on here. 😂

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 12/02/2021 12:55

Omg you're still posting about this relationship!

Jackie7527 · 12/02/2021 12:56

If you dont have kids with him, are not married to him or dont live with him you DON'T have any rights to tell him how he can or cannot spend his money. GET OVER YOURSELF!

sadie9 · 12/02/2021 12:59

There's obviously something going on between the two brothers. Your BF is treating him like he's the Dad and the brother is the son.

I doubt your BF has offered to buy you a car, has he?
Does he spend £500 on your presents?
Do you have a lot of money yourself, like are you paid the same as your BF or much less?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2021 12:59

@VinylDetective

So OP is a bloke?
If they are the same person, yes. But it will be a few pages yet before any useful information is dragged from them!

It is painful. Mainly because OP doesn't sound at all happy and just can't seem to accept that they have choices... or that they'd get better advice if they gave us a better idea of their real situation up front!

Illberidingshotgun · 12/02/2021 13:01

It appears that you are not living together so as the majority have said he can absolutely do what he wishes with his money. The only exception to this is if you believe he is vulnerable and lacks the capacity to make financial decisions. If that's the case, you would need to raise a SG alert with your LA.

If however, he has capacity to make financial decisions, he is at liberty to do what he wishes with his money. Like anyone else, he has the right to make unwise (or what others may perceive as unwise) decisions.

Do you see this relationship being long term? Do you want marriage, children? You may need to take into consideration that he likes to help his family out, and how would that impact on your long term plans and happiness. What does he want? What do you want?

Dishwashersaurous · 12/02/2021 13:06

You are fundamentally jealous of his relationship with his brother.

You are jealous that you are not the most important man in his life.

He is not going to change his relationship with his brother.

For your own sanity you need to leave this relationship

foxhat · 12/02/2021 13:08

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes this is what I think.

I don't think his DB even needs a car as he and his wife has got one between them already and this wasn't the original present, the original present was the honeymoon which has still been given as they have spent the money so this is an additional one

As it is solely your DP money it is irrelevant whether you think DB needs a car. It's also irrelevant that your DP is choosing to give an additional present.

Even if you think IABU would you not be annoyed at the unequalness, especially if you were told that it didn't involve you and you had no say, if your partner did this to you?

I might be cross on my DPs behalf at the unequalness but if he is a competent adult I would also recognise that he will make his own decisions about whether that bothers him. I absolutely would think he was right to say it did not involve you and whilst we can't see the ins and outs of how the argument started, it looks like you started an argument not your DP.

NotFabulousDarling · 12/02/2021 13:08

His wife is also quite a grabby type too.
The irony.

yvanka · 12/02/2021 13:10

His brother probably gets you shit presents because you've got a horrible attitude towards him and he picks up on it.

If I was well off and my sister needed a car, I wouldn't think twice.

ImFree2doasiwant · 12/02/2021 13:12

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes, that's what it means.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/02/2021 13:12

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

I mean, he's literally told you, you don't have a say over what he spends his money on, if you disagree with him maybe you could call the Police and ask them?