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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 13:53

People saying I am jealous of his brother are wrong, as are those who say I dislike him. Because I am not jealous of him and we get on great and I really like him. Also, people being sniffy about my partner and saying "partner" as though it's something of less importance, we have been in a relationship together for years, it's not like he is a boyfriend for 6 months or so and I'm asking him to include me on financial decisions after just months of being together.

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

Also, to the people saying we're not married, have no kids together, do not live together, etc, does that mean you would stand back and not get involved or say anything if your partner was being financially taken advantage of by their sibling or other family member just because those things don't apply to your relationship?

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 12/02/2021 13:55

You post very similar posts every few months. Get told that whilst yanbu to be annoyed it is essentially none of your business and your partner can spend his own money however he chooses to. Yet still you persist with the posts. I am not sure why?

In my opinion you are not being unreasonable to be annoyed that the brother is a money grabber but your partner enables him. He clearly has no issues with providing for his brother and probably will do so till his deathbed or when he finally sees the light (if ever). You can't control that, he has made his feelings quite clear. What you can control is your own life and whether you have him in it. I would ditch the partner and get with someone who has similar financial expectations to you. Honestly it will save you the annoyance and stress going forward.

user1473878824 · 12/02/2021 13:55

Why do you expect the answers to be different to ALL THE OTHER times you’ve posted with the exact same problem.

myrtleWilson · 12/02/2021 13:56

I can't tell with this one if the OP is a serial troll who pops up every few months with the same story just to wind us up or if he is genuinely so deluded that he thinks he is in the right...

Dishwashersaurous · 12/02/2021 13:56

Also, to the people saying we're not married, have no kids together, do not live together, etc, does that mean you would stand back and not get involved or say anything if your partner was being financially taken advantage of by their sibling or other family member just because those things don't apply to your relationship?

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

Didkdt · 12/02/2021 13:56

@Bluntness100

Oh god, have you posted several times before about his brother and your boyfriend who you don’t live with ans what he gives his brother.?
My first thought. I’m amazed they are still together
VinylDetective · 12/02/2021 13:57

DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him

Who’s this “us”? You don’t live together or share finances. Financially there is no “us” or “we”.

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 14:02

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/02/2021 14:03

I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him

Your partners money is not your money. You need to stop thinking it is. His brother is not asking you. He is asking him and he has the sole authority to make that decision. It is absolutely and utterly none of your business.

Your partner has the ability to make the decision on whether he wishes tp provide or not, he is not being taken advantage of or abused.

Well not by his brother anyway,,

Playnoh · 12/02/2021 14:03

@NetflixandChillOut

You realise this is your response on every thread you’ve started where you’ve been told overwhelmingly yabu.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 12/02/2021 14:03

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

Head. Brick wall.

There is no WE. He is asking his brother for money and it's nothing to do with you.

99% of us are not disagreeing with you because you don't explain things well, but because you are WRONG.

okokok000 · 12/02/2021 14:05

@NetflixandChillOut

People saying I am jealous of his brother are wrong, as are those who say I dislike him. Because I am not jealous of him and we get on great and I really like him. Also, people being sniffy about my partner and saying "partner" as though it's something of less importance, we have been in a relationship together for years, it's not like he is a boyfriend for 6 months or so and I'm asking him to include me on financial decisions after just months of being together.

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

Also, to the people saying we're not married, have no kids together, do not live together, etc, does that mean you would stand back and not get involved or say anything if your partner was being financially taken advantage of by their sibling or other family member just because those things don't apply to your relationship?

But he isnt asking YOU for money. He is asking his brother.

We see your side. We've seen your previous posts. Despite repeatedly trying to put your spin on it to encourage us to agree with you. We don't because you're being ridiculous.

Also saying you like and get on with his brother is at odds with what you gave previously said.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 12/02/2021 14:05

I take more issue with you being controlling than him helping his family financially.

slashlover · 12/02/2021 14:05

People saying I am jealous of his brother are wrong, as are those who say I dislike him. Because I am not jealous of him and we get on great and I really like him. Also, people being sniffy about my partner and saying "partner" as though it's something of less importance, we have been in a relationship together for years, it's not like he is a boyfriend for 6 months or so and I'm asking him to include me on financial decisions after just months of being together.

If you do not dislike the brother then why did you bin a present he bought and try to not allow your boyfriend to talk to him on the phone?

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

We/us does not exist. It is NOT your money. Unless the brother is threatening or taking advantage then it seems as if your boyfriend is perfectly aware of what he's doing and is happy to do it.

Also, to the people saying we're not married, have no kids together, do not live together, etc, does that mean you would stand back and not get involved or say anything if your partner was being financially taken advantage of by their sibling or other family member just because those things don't apply to your relationship?

He's not being taken advantage of, he is capable of saying No.

OP, you've posted about this for YEARS. Your DP is not going to change so you're either going to have to accept it or leave. Constantly posting on here and moaning about it is not going to change anything.

XelaM · 12/02/2021 14:07

If he is wealthy, let him do what he wants with his own money. What's the problem?

My grandmother was wealthy and gave away hundreds of thousands of pounds whilst she was alive - to various family members who never could reciprocate (because they weren't well off). It was entirely her decision who she wanted to give money to and the amounts she gave out.

Floralnomad · 12/02/2021 14:08

@NetflixandChillOut

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

Unless your partner is mentally challenged in some way he is not being taken advantage of , he is willingly buying stuff for his brother and as you do not share finances or even a home it is absolutely none of your business .
Pumpkinpied · 12/02/2021 14:08

Fucking hell, give it up! I knew it was you before the end of the first paragraph. You’re obsessed. You don’t share finances so what does his spending have to do with you? and just how many more times are you going to ask?

CrazyCatLazy · 12/02/2021 14:10

@NetflixandChillOut

People saying I am jealous of his brother are wrong, as are those who say I dislike him. Because I am not jealous of him and we get on great and I really like him. Also, people being sniffy about my partner and saying "partner" as though it's something of less importance, we have been in a relationship together for years, it's not like he is a boyfriend for 6 months or so and I'm asking him to include me on financial decisions after just months of being together.

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

Also, to the people saying we're not married, have no kids together, do not live together, etc, does that mean you would stand back and not get involved or say anything if your partner was being financially taken advantage of by their sibling or other family member just because those things don't apply to your relationship?

Is he also asking you for money? You can say no, if he is asking your DP for money then that isn’t “us” as you say as it isn’t your joint finances. I’ve been with my DP years, we don’t live together, we don’t have joint finances and we don’t comment or get involved in how the other spends money unless we ask for advice on something
ComeCovidCloser · 12/02/2021 14:10

It's up to your partner to decide what he does with his money that he earns. If he wants to provide things/money for his sibling then he is perfectly entitled to do so and you have no right to any say in that. Who says he is being taken advantage of? Maybe your partner 'wants' to do things for him. I was in a similar position where I was buying/doing stuff for my sister, because I wanted to and never once felt taken advantage of. I think if you keep touching this subject he will walk away. Or if you really can't accept your partner's decisions on his own money then you should walk away and let him get on with it instead of continuing to get frustrated over something that has nothing to do with you.

Greendoonan · 12/02/2021 14:11

If you don’t share finances then it’s technically up to him. But it won’t stop when you do get married or share finances in future. So for me this would be a deal breaker and I’d end the relationship.

MadameButterface · 12/02/2021 14:13

your boyfriend does not want to share finances with you. your boyfriend does not want you to have a say in how he spends his money. he has told you this for years, both with actions and with actual words. you can feel however you like about that, but you cannot make him change his mind. he is not being unreasonable. it is ok to not form a level of commitment that you do not want to form. it is ok to have boundaries.

if you don't like it, the only thing you have a right to do about it is end the relationship.

Viviennemary · 12/02/2021 14:14

It depends on your relationship. If you're just his girlfriend he can spend what he likes. But if you are looking long term it's a problem that's going to get worse.

sonjadog · 12/02/2021 14:18

This here in your second last post I think sums up the problem. You write:

"my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him"

There is no "us" when it comes to finances in your relationship. There is no "our" money. Your DP's brother is asking HIM for money, and HE may never to the same back, but that is HIS business. You seem to have enormous trouble getting your head around that. Your partner is getting annoyed with you about it, not just the posters here. You think he is getting taken advantage of, he doesn't. Presumably he is a functioning adult who can make his own decisions? It is his money and his decision.

LetMeBubble · 12/02/2021 14:20

Is it impeding why future plans of commitment and showing you signs that he isn’t taking the relationship seriouslt and not planning th take it up a level?

I think it would bother me to be honest if my DH was being used in this way regardless of whether we share the money or not..

But I don’t know how I would handle it because it’s also an issue of he is independent and that’s his money unless you have clarified plans together about how you want to join finances or how you are both contributing towards common plans towards marriage or whatever

I think your issue here is lack of communication which is making you take this all personally

However I can understand why it bothers you yes. Just I think you’re mixing things up a little

unmarkedbythat · 12/02/2021 14:21

@NetflixandChillOut

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

I work in safeguarding. When a concern is raised regarding financial abuse, you start by working out whether the person the concern related to is an 'adult at risk'- someone who is "aged 18 years or over; Who may be in need of community care services by reason of mental or other disability, age or illness; and who is or may be unable to take care of him or herself, or unable to protect him or herself against significant harm or exploitation." Is that your partner? Does your partner lack capacity to make financial decisions? If so, then yes, take appropriate action (which will not be posting on MN!). Otherwise, you just have to accept that your thinking a decision he makes is the wrong one means absolutely nothing. You cannot control his financial choices.