Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
Sosigsandwich · 12/02/2021 18:03

Of course you don't get a say! You don't live together and don't share money. You definitely need to back off where their relationship is concerned.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 12/02/2021 18:04

@NetflixandChillOut

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

But you tell him. Every.Single.Time. He doesn't care ,he doesn't want to listen and he keeps telling you to butt out. He keeps telling you it's his money and his brother. Why don't YOU listen ?

If you can't accept this just end it and save everyone all this fuss and hassle,including us.

You bitch about it every time. He tells you to stay out of it. We tell you he's right. Repeat.

Bonkers...

caringcarer · 12/02/2021 18:14

If you don't share finances, why does it bother you? If you were married with children and he was taking money away from your kids I could understand your concern. I bought sister a car a couple of years ago. Her car broke and she could not get to work so I helped her out. I could afford it and she could not and she would have done the same for me if boot on other foot. My dh did not mind.

morninglive · 12/02/2021 18:15

Your partner can spend his money however he pleases. It's not your money, it's not depriving you, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Your partner is an adult and clearly doesn't think he is being taken advantage of. When and if that day comes he can decide for himself. I also think you won't be on the scene when that happens with your current attitude.

BraveGoldie · 12/02/2021 18:37

OP, the problem is you don't come across as concerned for your partner. You come across as pissed off on your own behalf.

If you said - 'I am worried for my partner that he is being taken advantage of... what should I do?' That would be different. I think we would still recommend not interfering, but we would recognise you were concerned for a loved one.

But you are concerned for yourself! You talk as if your DP is doing something wrong to you and you have a right to be angry/ a right to be consulted etc..... you really really don't.

Rose789 · 12/02/2021 22:35

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?
You- again

BonnieDundee · 12/02/2021 23:11

YABU. Are you seeing it as your money? I suspect that many of us if we were really properly rich would love to do things like this for our friends and family.

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 23:27

@BraveGoldie

OP, the problem is you don't come across as concerned for your partner. You come across as pissed off on your own behalf.

If you said - 'I am worried for my partner that he is being taken advantage of... what should I do?' That would be different. I think we would still recommend not interfering, but we would recognise you were concerned for a loved one.

But you are concerned for yourself! You talk as if your DP is doing something wrong to you and you have a right to be angry/ a right to be consulted etc..... you really really don't.

No, that is entirely my point. I am not pissed off about it for myself, I am pissed off on behalf of my partner constantly being taken advantage of, but he doesn't seem to be bothered about it so maybe I shouldn't be either if he isn't.

But I don't understand why this doesn't affect him. His DB is constantly doing this to us and he puts up with it each time. It hurts my feelings to see him being taken advantage of like this and how he refuses to step up to his brother. It's not like he is scared of him but that he does everything he says in case he says no and scared of the reaction or something.

When he got home earlier I talked to him again about it and said that I don't think it's a good idea to do this. Eventually he said he saw my point and said he would think about it from my side of things, but who knows if he will. I know I've asked this a few times, but if you were in this situation would you not be hurt on your partners behalf if their sibling was doing stuff like this to them while you watched but were helpless to help them out?

OP posts:
RedLlama · 12/02/2021 23:27

RedLlama
This would annoy me too OP. Just because you aren’t married it doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have an opinion on things like this

It does actually. Unless you think it’s OK for me to tell my next door neighbours how to spend their money?

But that’s completely different. Before I was married to my now husband, we lived together (in a house that we both owned) so I could have an opinion on what he does with money if I feel it’s going to have a negative effect on us. What steve next door does with his money is completely different and not comparable to a situation where you are in a relationship with someone

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 23:30

@BonnieDundee

YABU. Are you seeing it as your money? I suspect that many of us if we were really properly rich would love to do things like this for our friends and family.
That is not a problem, of course people should help out friends and family. I haven't explained the situation properly. It is literally all the time, my DP's brother is constantly begging him for money none stop Every conversation we have with him, in the first ten seconds or somewhere in the conversation he will say "DP, you wouldn't happen to have X pound I can borrow?" and my partner always says yes or says he will get it. If he wasn't asked, he wouldn't offer, so it is like he is almost being forced into it.
OP posts:
ShopoholicIn · 12/02/2021 23:45

VinylDetective

"DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him

Who’s this “us”? You don’t live together or share finances. Financially there is no “us” or “we”."

This.
You are not accepting the fact that your partner's brother is not asking you for money nor is your partner taking your advice or money, so there's no "we"

okokok000 · 13/02/2021 00:09

"His DB is constantly doing this to us and he puts up with it each time."

How can you still not see he is doing it to his brother. You're not involved in it for the reasons people have been giving you since at least April 2018!

GrettaGreen · 13/02/2021 00:10

It doesn't matter if he's giving his brother half his wage. It's absolutely none of your business. Not even a teeny weeny bit. You're totally overstepping even if you are dressing it up as faux concern. It's so obvious that you're thinking of it in terms of what if we share money and need to do x or y in the future. That's irrelevant. At the minute, you don't share finances so you need to keep your beak out.

emilyfrost · 13/02/2021 00:12

From every single post it seems clear your partner isn’t being taken advantage of because he doesn’t mind. It’s only you that minds and thinks it’s a problem.

It’s his money, not yours. It’s not even shared money. You’ve said your piece now leave it.

Pebbledashery · 13/02/2021 00:30

Op. For the love of Jesus Christ and all the saints and angels in heaven.. Please don't post about this again and move on. You're clearly not taking on board what people are saying and you're getting a battering... Save yourself any drama and remove yourself from your partners financial circle. His finances don't affect you in any way. You're not on the breadline. He can help whoever he wants to financially. Until you're married with joint finances.. You get no say whatsoever.

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 00:34

Oh Christ, is he still at it?

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 13/02/2021 00:51

we lived together (in a house that we both owned)
@RedLlama but the OP doesn't do that and has no investment. They are two people going out with each other.

MeanWeedratStew · 13/02/2021 02:29

Why are you still with him?

Is living together/getting married in your plans for the future? Because I will bet you anything that your boyfriend will expect to use your joint finances to prop up his brother. Even if you keep your finances separate, your BF and his brother will start to eye up your bank account if/when your BF has nothing left to give.

Seen it before. His brother is his top priority and you will never change that. Leave him to it and find someone with similar priorities to your own.

VettiyaIruken · 13/02/2021 03:04

Look. You've told him how you feel. More than once.
You've told us how you feel. Over and over and over. And over and over...
Yes, he may well be a mug. But unless he lacks capacity, he can if he chooses set up a direct debit for the whole of his salary to go straight to his brother and it's still not your decision!

You talk of us and we but how much money have you personally handed over? I'm guessing none. There is no "we" with money given from someone you don't live with or share finances with.

Yes, it's annoying to watch. Yes it's upsetting to feel someone you love is being taken advantage of. That doesn't mean you get a vote or veto power when it comes to his money.
He knows how you feel. It's up to him to decide what to do.

For your sake, his sake and above all else, our sake, for the love of God either accept it or walk away but please stop wanging on about it!

Krampusnolongerbabysits · 13/02/2021 03:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2021 03:37

@VettiyaIruken

Look. You've told him how you feel. More than once. You've told us how you feel. Over and over and over. And over and over... Yes, he may well be a mug. But unless he lacks capacity, he can if he chooses set up a direct debit for the whole of his salary to go straight to his brother and it's still not your decision!

You talk of us and we but how much money have you personally handed over? I'm guessing none. There is no "we" with money given from someone you don't live with or share finances with.

Yes, it's annoying to watch. Yes it's upsetting to feel someone you love is being taken advantage of. That doesn't mean you get a vote or veto power when it comes to his money.
He knows how you feel. It's up to him to decide what to do.

For your sake, his sake and above all else, our sake, for the love of God either accept it or walk away but please stop wanging on about it!

This with bells on!! 👋👋
KunekuneKristmasCake · 13/02/2021 04:03

Omg not you again! It’s not your money so keep your beak out. Your partner doesn’t mind and it’s their money. You need to stop, or you’re going to get dumped.

Jollygoodtime · 13/02/2021 04:17

I can see why you might be annoyed or feel your partner is taken advantage of but you keep saying ‘we’. Does he borrow from you also/are your finances/bills tied to DPs? If not it really is his call to make.

Merryoldgoat · 13/02/2021 10:14

I know I've asked this a few times, but if you were in this situation would you not be hurt on your partners behalf if their sibling was doing stuff like this to them while you watched but were helpless to help them out?

I'd have the conversation and if it was something that we couldn't agree on I'd either decide to make my peace with it or I'd move on and end the relationship.

I wouldn't go ON and ON and ON about it knowing things wouldn't change. And I wouldn't be daft enough to keep posting on here where I know people would rip me a new one because I'm behaving like an idiot.

foxhat · 13/02/2021 10:38

If he wasn't asked, he wouldn't offer, so it is like he is almost being forced into it.

No, asking someone is very different from forcing them into it. It's not helpful to conflate the two.