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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 12/02/2021 16:43

@NetflixandChillOut

  • you don't live together
  • you don't share household expenses
  • you don't have children together requiring financial support

= there's nothing you can do about how your DP decides to spend his money and how. If he wants to spend it on a caravan full of dancing squirrels dressed in golden tutus, it's his right.

TigsytheTiger · 12/02/2021 16:48

You're the only one who thinks he's being taken advantage of, your DP doesn't, he's helping his brother because he either wants to or can afford to, but probably both of those.

You say his brother asks to borrow money from you both but have you honestly lent him any of your own money or do you consider DP's money your money too and NEWSFLASH if you do, you're wrong, it isn't!

altiara · 12/02/2021 16:48

Sounds like it’s your partners choice what to do with his money.

Yes, I’d find it annoying too if you were saving up together towards a goal of moving in with other or something but you’ve not mentioned anything like that, so your choice is stay with him and let him spend his money how ever he wants or break up.
You have the power to choose rather than just complaining.

SixesAndEights · 12/02/2021 16:49

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

But it's not us and we though. It's him and he. You're not involved in this, you don't share finances and you don't contribute any of your money to this do you? Therefore it's nothing to do with you how your partner spends his money and who he spends it on. Whatever you think about it.

HoppingPavlova · 12/02/2021 16:53

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

In the situation you are in, yes.

JustLyra · 12/02/2021 16:54

@LetMeBubble

I’m quite surprised at how strongly people feel against the OPs stance...

I do think a lot of people want to have a say if they think their partner is being exploited.. regardless of the status of the relationship especially if they’ve been together long and have some sort of commitment.

Perhaps the way OP is handling it isn’t the best but I’m just unsure why they’re being vilified for feeling annoyed and questioning it

Any relationship when there is no reciprocation is a bit annoyed to witness to be honest especially when it affects a loved one..

I’m clearly an odd one here !!

Quite honestly surprised by the vilifying responses. Unless there is a backstory I don’t know then I feel most pp here are quick to jump to conclusions

I’m aware thrrr are previous threads that I haven’t read.. so that might explain things

But based on this one alone I think the pp are over reacting to a normal relationship tension scenario.. and quick to conclude that this is financial control.. when it could have multiple explanations..

I also see the OP clearly doesn’t find expressing themselves that easy and so that’s more of a reason to assume there is more to it than the surface and that asking them leading questions might be more useful than jumping to accuse !

The OP has posted numerous times about this. The DP has made his position clear over and over again. The OP is controlling to the point of binning a Christmas present deemed not worthy and once snatched the phone from the DP's hand and ended a call with his brother.

The only one attempting to control the DP is the OP

okokok000 · 12/02/2021 16:57

It's been 3 years of the same posts and you being being told the same thing.

Are you not getting bored?

Can you not see you're sabotaging your own relationship?

This is all really destructive. Faceless people on the internet are pissed off with this circular chain of events and saying the same thing to you again and again. It is clear you disagree with the responses you've received which is absolutely your right, but you will at some point likely push your boyfriend too far.

You need to either let it go and enjoy your relationship, or vote with your feet and leave if you cannot stop getting angry / frustrated about this. It really isn't healthy for either of you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/02/2021 16:59

"Also, to the people saying we're not married, have no kids together, do not live together, etc, does that mean you would stand back and not get involved or say anything if your partner was being financially taken advantage of by their sibling or other family member just because those things don't apply to your relationship?"

I'd point it out, probably along the lines of "when are you going to let your brother be an adult, this constant bankrolling is infantilising". And I'd do this once. (I might eye-roll and audibly snigger on subsequent occasions).

Other than that, in your shoes - he's an adult, it does not affect me financially, he can crack on. It might affect my opinion of my boyfriend (he really isn't a partner) but how he spends his money is not up to me. Or you.

"But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter?"
Authority? No, you have no 'authority' here. You seem to think you have, and this is your actual problem, not his brother.

Respectabitch · 12/02/2021 17:01

Oh my god, fucking you again.

Your BF and his brother are happy the way they are and aren't going to change. You are controlling, critical and onto a loser here.

Accept their relationship and stop all of your awful controlling behaviours, or dump him. Preferably both.

3rdNamechange · 12/02/2021 17:01

@NetflixandChillOut

People saying I am jealous of his brother are wrong, as are those who say I dislike him. Because I am not jealous of him and we get on great and I really like him. Also, people being sniffy about my partner and saying "partner" as though it's something of less importance, we have been in a relationship together for years, it's not like he is a boyfriend for 6 months or so and I'm asking him to include me on financial decisions after just months of being together.

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

Also, to the people saying we're not married, have no kids together, do not live together, etc, does that mean you would stand back and not get involved or say anything if your partner was being financially taken advantage of by their sibling or other family member just because those things don't apply to your relationship?

You say he's asking 'us ' for money. No he's not he's asking your partner. You've obviously pointed this out numerous times to your partner and he's still doing it so I'd probably shut up about it or end the relationship if it bothers you so much.
Vicky1y · 12/02/2021 17:04

I think you should let it be, you feel he's being taken advantage of and have raised your concerns that's all you can do from your side. Your partner still wants to buy him the car that's upto him.

Viviennemary · 12/02/2021 17:04

Dearie me Respectabitch. I thought I was bad. Grin

MsPavlichenko · 12/02/2021 17:04

Back again? I am amazed you two are still together.

As has been said before. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with it or not. Even less whether we do or not. It is what your DP chooses to do with his money. You must get that by now. You can live with it or not.

Pebbledashery · 12/02/2021 17:09

Lol Respectabitch wins the prize 😂🏆

maddening · 12/02/2021 17:11

Yabu, and you are not financially compatible.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 12/02/2021 17:18

I doubt this sorry tale is true. Surely another troll??

Holly60 · 12/02/2021 17:18

There is so little context that it’s impossible even to make a judgement regarding if your boyfriend is being taken advantage of. For example you say he is a younger brother - has your boyfriend taken on a parental role for some reason, therefore giving more than would be usual for a sibling, and not expecting it to be reciprocated? Or is his brother significantly less well off than him and therefore they are each giving each other a similar proportion of their income even though the actual amount is vastly different.

However, ultimately as other posters have said, as you don’t live together, don’t share any financial responsibilities, and you don’t share your incomes, you have no say in how he chooses to spend his money. Why do you even care really? If he didn’t spend it on his brother but spent it on something else, what difference does it make to you (other than if he was spending it on you I guess)?

Frequentlymisunderstood · 12/02/2021 17:21

@NetflixandChillOut

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

I read the first 2 lines of the op and I knew instantly it was you. He isn’t being taken advantage of, he is choosing to spend money on his brother.
Respectabitch · 12/02/2021 17:22

@sotiredofthislonelylife

I doubt this sorry tale is true. Surely another troll??
This poster has cropped up multiple times trying to get MN to agree that their BF indulges his brother too much. The poster is male, incidentally, and explication of previous arguments has shown that he's been shockingly controlling of his BF, including taking the phone from his BF's hand while he is talking to the DB and hanging it up. He has been roundly told YABU a dozen times but never gives up.

So if he's a troll, he's a remarkably persistent and consistent one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/02/2021 17:30

Dump him. We will never see your POV

angelaEhen · 12/02/2021 17:30

You don't give to recive especially with family. Sounds like a nice generous caring family man.
Sounds like you want more gifts for yourself.

iljatdip · 12/02/2021 17:33

You again.
Why are you still with him?
I'm amazed he hasn't got sick of this and dumped you by now.
You don't live together. You don't have joint finances. Therefore he can do what the FUCK he likes with his money. He can donate a thousand quid a month to the local donkey sanctuary if he wants to.

If you don't like it, leave him. End of.

AmandaHugenkiss · 12/02/2021 17:47

@NetflixandChillOut

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

I’d be upset if he was being taken advantage of, yes, but it doesn’t sound like he is. He isn’t being bullied, blackmailed or coerced and when you bring it up with him he tells you he wants to do it. He’s choosing to give his brother money. You just don’t like it.

Some people have been very harsh, but you sound like you are in denial, repeatedly going on about this when it’s just a symptom of a bigger issue you can’t bring yourself to face.

Maybe the bigger problem you don’t want to admit to deep down, is that you have a long term partner who won’t treat you in the same way as his family. And you respond to this with awful, controlling behaviour like grabbing phones and throwing away presents to try and get him to choose you. It won’t work.

I don’t know the circumstances because you haven’t explained them, but if you’ve been together years and don’t share a house, finances or any other commitments it sounds like you are more invested in this relationship than he is. His brother is his priority not you. Maybe you need to have a talk to your DP about where he sees your relationship going. But genuinely you sound financially incompatible.

I wouldn’t like his brother’s attitude to money either, but then if I were you I’d probably have left early on when it was clear his brother treats him like a piggy bank and that he didn’t want to ever develop serious commitments to you.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 12/02/2021 17:48

Not your money, not your business.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2021 17:49

I agree that it does sound like his brother is taking advantage and your DP, for reasons of his own, refuses to see it.

But as you do not have shared finances and are not married I really dont think that you can say anything about it. What I would recommend you do is decide whether this is how you want the rest of your life to be, because frankly it will not change any time soon and will cause massive arguments if you do ever get married or share finances.