My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

[NetflixandChillOut]

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

As a thought OP, have you ever stopped to think why your partner/boyfriend/fiancée/friend with benefits delete as required doesn’t want to share finances with you? Could it be that he has cottoned on to the fact that you would be the one with an iron grip on his bank account and he would be lucky to get enough spare change in his pocket money purse to buy a take away coffee?

For the love of god woman let it go! It’s none of your business and the fact that you keep posting about it says you’re never going to accept your partners decisions. Move on!
If I was him I would see your controlling behaviour a massive red flag and would walk away....
You have fundamentally different views on family and what is and isn’t acceptable and whether you like it or no that won’t change (unless you can manipulate him to change).....

@NetflixandChillOut

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

Is your boyfriend vulnerable? Do you think his brother is financially abusing him and essentially forcing him to do it against his own wishes as he can exert control over him? Or do you think he CHOOSES to do these things? Cos nothing else suggests he's a vulnerable adult who needs other people controlling his decisions

constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him why are YOU giving him money of your expenses aren't shared?

Poor boyfriend - looks like he has grabby people on all sides.

What @CharlieParley said is 100% right

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever? I don't think his DB even needs a car as he and his wife has got one between them already

Of course you get no say in the matter! It’s not your money, it’s none of your business.

It also doesn’t matter whether or not you think they need a car. Your partner decided to buy them one with his own money and that’s it.

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone where you’re not married, have no kids and don’t share finances then you have to accept you have no say in them either.

He’s not your ‘Partner’, he’s just your boyfriend.

You don’t live together, you don’t share finances and you have no children.

If you want some entitlement to his money, you both need to commit more to this relationship than you are doing currently, but presumably, your boyfriend is happy with things the way they are.

DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him

He asks his brother for money. Not you...so there is no WE.
The money given is not yours.

Years... and yet you don’t live together.

How old are you OP?
Are you happy to live apart and not having a shared life?

OP
You're clearly unhappy about how your boyfriend chooses to use his money and about his relationship with his brother. You have been unhappy for a long time about this.
Stop torturing yourself and just end this relationship.
It sounds like it's going nowhere.

@NetflixandChillOut

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

He is not being taken advantage of if he is choosing to do it.

And as others have pointed out, if you have no joint finances and don't live together, then absolutely it is none of your damn business. You can explain it any way you want. It is not going to change peoples opinions.

@NetflixandChillOut

Serious question. Just exactly HOW does your 'DP' giving money/cars to his brother actually affect you directly?

Does it mean that he can't give you money?
Does it mean that he asks to borrow money from you?
Does your 'DP' 'do without' in order to help his brother?
Is your 'DP' going into debt to help his brother?

Only the last three of the above would be a real cause for concern. The first one is just you being selfish.

I would be FURIOUS if my 'DP' tried to tell me how to spend my money. In fact, I'd probably end it if they kept nagging about it.

I'm married with joint finances. That, or living together with joint finances, are the only ways that mean financial decisions should be joint. Even married couples with separate finances normally do it to preserve some financial decision-making independence. You, as a non-married, non-living with GIRLFRIEND have absolutely NO say into how your 'partner' spends his money. You can tell him you don't think it's a wise idea, but then you need to STFU.

This would annoy me too OP. Just because you aren’t married it doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have an opinion on things like this

I’m quite surprised at how strongly people feel against the OPs stance...

I do think a lot of people want to have a say if they think their partner is being exploited.. regardless of the status of the relationship especially if they’ve been together long and have some sort of commitment.

Perhaps the way OP is handling it isn’t the best but I’m just unsure why they’re being vilified for feeling annoyed and questioning it

Any relationship when there is no reciprocation is a bit annoyed to witness to be honest especially when it affects a loved one..

I’m clearly an odd one here !!

Quite honestly surprised by the vilifying responses. Unless there is a backstory I don’t know then I feel most pp here are quick to jump to conclusions

I’m aware thrrr are previous threads that I haven’t read.. so that might explain things

But based on this one alone I think the pp are over reacting to a normal relationship tension scenario.. and quick to conclude that this is financial control.. when it could have multiple explanations..

I also see the OP clearly doesn’t find expressing themselves that easy and so that’s more of a reason to assume there is more to it than the surface and that asking them leading questions might be more useful than jumping to accuse !

@RedLlama

This would annoy me too OP. Just because you aren’t married it doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have an opinion on things like this

It does actually. Unless you think it’s OK for me to tell my next door neighbours how to spend their money?

Perhaps the way OP is handling it isn’t the best but I’m just unsure why they’re being vilified for feeling annoyed and questioning it

because op has been posting in this same manner for years, their bf has told them he does not want or appreciate their interference, and op has done things like snatch bf's phone off him while mid conversation with his brother, and throw a present the brother had bought for bf straight in the bin. op is crossing a line with their behaviour and will not be told. other people have linked some of the previous threads. mn tends to give short shrift to toxic controlling manipulators who disrespect others' boundaries and long may it continue.

@VintageStitchers

He’s not your ‘Partner’, he’s just your boyfriend.

You don’t live together, you don’t share finances and you have no children.

If you want some entitlement to his money, you both need to commit more to this relationship than you are doing currently, but presumably, your boyfriend is happy with things the way they are.

Er, tell the 'just your boyfriend' bit to the thousands of people that have perfectly good relationships living under a different pile of bricks to their partner or spouse, including numerous famous people, who just get on better without being around someone 24/7 or cleaning their skid marks off the toilet!

This would annoy me too OP. Just because you aren’t married it doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have an opinion on things like this
They don't have to be married to have a say.

They do need to have some form of joint life to have a say though. They don't live together,don't have children, don't have shared finances and have different priorities.

LetMeBubble
It's worth reading some of the threads linked to up thread.
This must be the 3rd/4th/5th thread that boils down to a poster taking an issue with their financially independent boyfriend's relationship with his brother.

Is your DP being 'taken advantage of' - in that is he vulnerable in any way?
Is his brother blackmailing him or guilt tripping him?
Does your DP have any condition that could lead to him being taken advantage of for spending , for e.g bipolar disorder or autism?

If not, he is not being taken advantage of, he is just a spineless idiot - unless he actively wants to give his money away to his brother.

Fair enough to make the occasional observation: ask why he gives such huge presents when brother gives cheap presents in return, for example. Or say 'that is s surprising thing to do, not many brothers buy cars for their siblings unless they are extremely wealthy or the brother is in a terrible situation', but beyond that, it really is not your business.

But it would put me off ever sharing finances, a home or a child with him. Because then it would be your business and he would probably keep doing it.

@NetflixandChillOut So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

I think you are going at this from the wrong angle. If your concern is your partners long time ability for his pension. your and his future etc Have those conversations with him. Say things like. I get why you feel this is something you want to do but can I ask.. How is your pension? / Do we have plans for children? etc etc and get him to look long term at HIS future (yours and his?) and then make the decision from there.

Right now by going on about the brother, you appear almost grabby at his money and that is what he is reacting to. So have the conversations about the future and perhaps he will stop at his choice.

Honestly? Yes, that would annoy me, and I'd have trouble accepting it. However, if you're not married, don't share finances, don't have a child together, ultimately, it's not your decision. Clearly your partner doesn't want to include you in his decision-making.

You need to realise that this is who your partner is. This is his dynamic with his brother. It may be a mess, but it's unlikely to change. Unless you want to subject yourself to a lifetime of frustration, you have to either accept that this is how your partner is (and understand that he probably won't change even if you do marry, have a child, share money) or cut your losses and leave.

Lolololol @Dishwashersaurous your YESES made me properly guffaw!!

I disagree that it's like having an opinion on a neighbour's spending, but that's only on the basis that you're presumably not going to progress a relationship with your neighbour further.

That said, it sounds like for your partner, this relationship has found its level and he doesn't want you to have any say over how he spends his money ever. This is fair enough as long as:

(a) you're also happy with this level of commitment
(b) there aren't any double standards - he shouldn't be telling you how to spend your money either

Do either of you want to progress your relationship to a more formal level of commitment? Are you confident you're both on the same page with this? I'd run a mile if a partner with no skin in the game was battering on & starting arguments about how I spend my money.

This would annoy me in the same way a partner who is a Disney parent to his kids would annoy me.
I just couldn't be attracted to someone with no back bone.

If the shoe were on the other foot and I was a walk over, being taken advantage of and a long term boyfriend of mine were pointing it out and saying I should reign it in because the person who's lifestyle I'm funding doesn't even seem to respect me then I would think they were looking out for me.

I would end the relationship if I were you OP, purely because he sounds weak. He doesn't seem to to see your relationship in the same way that you do either.

FWIW, it would annoy me too. Not the fact that he's being generous, but that the recipient of his generosity is pushing it and taking advantage.

He's going to do it regardless, so if you can't accept it, why not ask him to spare you the details?

Bit unhealthy, but no more damaging than constantly disagreeing over something that he's fixed on.