My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

[NetflixandChillOut]

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

@NetflixandChillOut

People saying I am jealous of his brother are wrong, as are those who say I dislike him. Because I am not jealous of him and we get on great and I really like him. Also, people being sniffy about my partner and saying "partner" as though it's something of less importance, we have been in a relationship together for years, it's not like he is a boyfriend for 6 months or so and I'm asking him to include me on financial decisions after just months of being together.

I'm just disapointed nobodycan see my side, I don't think I've explained it very well in the OP, it's a very one sided thing with my DP's brother always constantly on us asking us for money but we never do the same back to him.

Also, to the people saying we're not married, have no kids together, do not live together, etc, does that mean you would stand back and not get involved or say anything if your partner was being financially taken advantage of by their sibling or other family member just because those things don't apply to your relationship?

Yes!

Because you are not a partnership! You share nothing.

You are boyfriend and girlfriend. Until you live together that is what you will be.
If you are together for 50 years but just continue to date without sharing a home or a family or finances you will still be boyfriend and girlfriend and what he does with his money is nothing to do with you. And what you do with yours is nothing to do with him.

Why hasn't your relationship progressed, anyway?

OP - your partner giving his brother money is a red herring. You keep focussing on that and ignoring might be another, much harder, fundamental issue. Your partners commitment to you. I wonder if he has any actual commitment to you apart from the words he says to you?

You do not live together, you aren't each others family, you don't seem to 'share' anything much in life apart from your time and your bodies. I wonder if you are directing your frustration at the wrong thing. Maybe you are stuck in this loop and trying to work out the 'problem' of the brother but have you thought you are focusing on the wrong problem and externalizing it? It is clear you are experiencing frustration and dissatisfaction with your relationship but to face this might hurt too much and maybe your brain is protecting you and trying to project this onto your boyfriend giving his brother money? Either way it must be an unhappy way to live and even unhappier for all these people to consistently say what you don't want to hear?

You are not in the level of relationship that gives you any right to influence his spending in the way you want to. Fine to make a comment, but once he's told you he's sticking by his decisions you should back off. But you've had advice like this before and don't take any notice...

Years? How many?

There must be some reason after all this time that you've chosen not to live together or share finances or get married or have children...

And I recommend you do NONE of the above ^^ without serious conversations of how you would share your financial lives together

I have a relationship like this with my younger sister and I am absolutely not being taken advantage of. I looked out for her alot growing up and that has continued into adulthood. Yes I am better with finances and can help her, no I dont need loans or big presents back from her and it doesnt bother me. If my husband went on like you I'd be fuming. Take a step back, it's his brother and his finances.

If you don’t live together it’s absolutely none if your business. By all means raise your concerns with your DP if you think he is being ‘taken advantage of’ (which I am not sure he is) but once you have done so, but out.

Is your DP quite a bit older than his brother or is he significantly better off. Both of these would explain why he feels the imbalance of gifts is ok. If he were putting himself in financial jeopardy in order to do things for his brother that would be different but if he can afford to buy holidays and cars for his brother it sounds like he must be pretty well off.

When you talk about not getting gifts from the brother for yourself, do you buy anything for him yourself or just tag your name into your DPs gifts.? I.e you say we bought them a honeymoon but did you actually pay anything? Your own contributions are what you can control (I doubt you are contributing though).

It seems that what you’re struggling with is people not agreeing that your partner is being financially taken advantage of.

But it doesn’t matter what anyone on here thinks. If your partner doesn’t agree with you, there is no issue, and you need to find something else to occupy your mind.

As a pp said, if he is mentally disabled in some way that means he is not aware of things that non-disabled people are aware of, you have a point. But if he knows exactly what he’s doing and is happy with the arrangement, you really need to stop. If you keep banging on about it, he will leave you.

I differ slightly from what others are saying. I do think it sounds like your partner is being over generous and of course you are entitled to express your view on the matter. However, I think because you are not married and don't share finances and your partner doesn't have to agree with you or not buy his brother the car. As a wife or someone who shares finances with your partner he would have responsibility to ensure your family is secure. But because you are not married or anything he can do what he likes with his money.

Perhaps this is what you are really upset about ? You are acting like a wife and expecting him to honour some obligation to you as a husband, but really this is not the case.

Hi OP,
You say that your partner lends money and does not ask for it back and that he buys the presents but in the next breath you say “we” and “us”. Meaning you and your partner are asked or bought.

Have you lent any money? Have you gone halves on any of the presents? If you paid half to give the brother honeymoon money and are now asked to pay half of a car of course say no. If you paid nothing and lent nothing then there is no need for “we” or “us”. You need to get your hear around this. If you gave nothing then you gave nothing. Even if your partner said “this is from us” it wasn’t actually from you at all.

You go on to say that your partner is being “exploited” and ask people if they would stand back and allow exploitation. Does your partner lack mental capacity in some way? Does he have a learning disability or is he being scammed and lied to? If he is vulnerable and being financially exploited then it is a police matter and you can report it. If he has a social worker you can speak to them. If he has full mental capacity and he chooses to lend money and not ask for it back or buy expensive gifts that are not reciprocated then that is entirely up to him.

Of course you can have a different opinion - you can dump him if you like - but what he does with his money is up to him.

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

So you seem to be of thr opinion that your partner is lacking the capability to make financial decisions?

If this is the case you need to request he gives power of attorney to his next of kin.

If however he is fully on grasp of his faculties then you need to stop being so controlling.

I can see how this could be annoying OP, assuming your partner isn’t hugely wealthy.
For example, I have a non resident partner - been together for 5 years but don’t live together, and our finances are completely separate.

We go on holiday, days out etc together. It would irritate me if our joint activities were diminished because he’d spent all his money on members of his family when he didn’t need to. Yes it’s his money and his choice, but if it impacted on me, I’d be a bit peeved. I also wouldn’t like to see him being taken advantage of.

Go and do something useful, kind or gracious; stop this.

@NetflixandChillOut

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

That is what everyone is saying. You don't have a joint life and joint finances. So he can spend his money on whatever he wants

So if your partner was being financially taken advantage of you would just stand back and not say anything or do anything at all?

It doesn't sound like he's being taken advantage of though, it sounds like he is an adult who is making his own decisions about his own money. The brother isn't lying or tricking him, he's not being manipulated, he's not vulnerable or struggling, he's just supporting his brother in a way you wouldn't. But you don't share a life or finances, so it isn't anything to do with you.

Do you not get fed up of posting the same topic over and over again? Why aren’t you getting the message - you get the same response each time you post. It’s none of your bloody business. Keep your nose out of his finances or prepare to be dumped. He must have the patience of a saint because I would have kicked you to the curb a long time ago. What a pain in the arse you are.

You are boyfriend and girlfriend

Not that it matters I think thr op is male, and this is boyfriend boyfriend.

@NetflixandChillOut When you are not married, you have no say on ANYthing your partner spends, and you are entitled to NOTHING.

Watch Finding Alice on ITV hub, and see the shitstorm Alice's partner left behind when he died. She had no say in ANYthing. And the house he built (that she, and he, and their daughter moved into several weeks before he died,) was in HIS name, and became the property of his parents when he died, and they put it up for sale.

Even if a couple are living together (which you are not,) I can't take their relationship seriously if they're not married. And the law won't either.

Several years ago at my workplace, within 4 or 5 weeks, one woman lost her partner after 23 years together, and another woman lost her HUSBAND after 7 years of marriage (and 9 years together.)

The one who was married got WAY more sympathy and attention and care, (and was allowed 2 weeks off with pay.) The unmarried one was virtually overlooked, and didn't even get a sympathy card. She was not allowed a single MINUTE off, and even had to book half day leave for the funeral. Even though she and her partner had been together 23 years and had a 12 y.o. son, the relationship was not taken seriously because they were unmarried.

YABVU. Your partner can spend HIS money on whatever he likes.

OP I think you need to focus on your relationship for now and not the brother. You say you have been together for years but your partner is not treating you like a partner, including you in his finances. Ask him, where is our relationship going, do we see ourselves getting married, having kids?

Oh it's the "borrow me money" guy!

If I was your DP, I’d be running away from you pronto - and I bloody hate running!

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

YES.

Look, you keep saying that "we" buy them presents but they don't buy "us" the same thing back.

But your DP buys the presents, lends the money, is happy to do so.

So what does it have to do with you? Really, truly?

They're not taking advantage of "we/us". They are taking advantage of your DP, and he doesn't care and LIKES DOING IT.

He LIKES DOING IT SO MUCH HE'S BUYING THEM A CAR AS WELL AS A HONEYMOON.

He's not coerced, blackmailed - he's never even moaned once.

If he was moaning about it, then OK you'd be fine to be annoyed. But he's not.

If you're not happy, either get over it or break up with your BF.

Why are you do bothered about how much your presents cost? How old are you? You sound very childish. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to live with you or marry you. He’s not being taken advantage of. Assuming he is of sound mind, he is spending his money voluntarily. It’s his choice. He knows how to say “no”. He just chooses to say “yes”.

Why does your partner feel the need to help pay for a brothers wedding? Very strange, usually the couple pay and maybe the parents help if they can, but a brother WTF.

Buying a brother a car? WTF

This is one strange family where the brother wants to be overly generous and more worryingly the other brother is a cheeky sponger.

This is literally none of your business 🤷🏻‍♀️

Money is not being handed over at gunpoint here. Forgot seeing the brother as grabby. Start looking at your boyfriend - the one who perhaps likes to play The Big I Am, Mr Moneybags - and therefore, is getting value for money.

Do you really think your boyfriend is such a sap that he doesn’t know it’s unequal, even without you pointing it out?

I’d tell you once that it wasn’t your business.
I’d tell you the second time to fuck off with the comments about my money.
And the third time I’d dump you 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s worse than people think, he doesn’t even want his partner talking to his brother on the phone often, the whole thing is about envy.

The one who was married got WAY more sympathy and attention and care, (and was allowed 2 weeks off with pay.) The unmarried one was virtually overlooked, and didn't even get a sympathy card. She was not allowed a single MINUTE off, and even had to book half day leave for the funeral. Even though she and her partner had been together 23 years and had a 12 y.o. son, the relationship was not taken seriously because they were unmarried.

Your workplace is shit. Did nobody think to buy the poor woman a card?