Would you contact your real father after 47 years?

[MakeMineADoubleCake]

A brief background ...

Him and my mum divorced when I was a baby - both too young probably! He had an affair and indeed, went on to marry the woman he had the affair with. My mum took me to live back at home with my gran and grandad and before too long met my stepdad and they married when I was 2.

My real dad allowed my step dad to adopt me so he didn't have to pay child maintenance, we ended up moving 200 miles away as a family and i always thought my stepdad was my real dad until I was told the truth aged about 14. My mum and stepdad were sorry their kept this from me and I totally understand why .... this was the 70s and things were a little different then. It's not something that would happen now but back then ... like I said, different times.

Anyway , aged 14 I now knew I had another father. All I knew - and know to this date - is his name, the name of his wife, the town he lives and the fact he went on to have 2 or 2 more kids.

Fast forward to now. Both my parents are now sadly dead - I think of my stepdad as dad by the way! And it's got me thinking about possibly making contact with my real father

But should I? He is 70 now. I believe he's still alive. He's still married to the woman he had an affair with. I spoke once with my mum about him many years ago and she said he was not a bad person or anything like that, he was just a young 20 year old who couldn't deal with the responsibility of marriage and a baby.

I'd have to write to him and I 'think' I have his address but then again, there's a chance it's wrong. Don't think so though. He doesn't appear to have any social media but not unusual at his age

So... should I do it? I've been perfectly happy for 49 years with no contact so on the one hand it seems pointless. I also don't want to give him and his wife any big shocks! He's obviously aware that I exist so perhaps the eh con wouldn't be as great as if he didn't know about me

I'm veering towards leaving it alone ... my stepdad was a good dad to me and he is part of the reason I've not done anything this far - didn't want to cause any hurt. But now they are both gone so do I do it?

WWYD?

I don't think anyone an advise you on the right choice, assuming his wife knows about you it solves one problem, do you have siblings? Can you emotionally handle rejection if it went that way.
If it was me I would I'd want to try even it didn't work out at least you know and can leave it behind.

His wife will know about me yes. And I know they went on to have more children - obviously I know nothing about them at all.

I have a brother that my mum and step dad went on to have - so he's a half brother I guess but I don't think of him on that way. Just my brother! He wouldn't give two hoots about what I choose to do though

And yes I think I can handle the rejection! I wouldn't take it particularly personally I don't think - how could I? He doesn't know me as a person so it wouldn't be me as a person he's rejecting

I am relatively certain that's how I'd view it anyway

I would, but with detachment. I'd just the first meeting on its own merit and see how it went. Satisfy your own curiosity.
Good luck.

I would do it. But I’d go to his door rather than post a letter.

In a few years he might pass away and you would have missed your chance.
I say this with a dc with a totally absent parent. I would support her if she wanted to do this on a few years.

Of course he is your brother. ❤
Losing your parents is very difficult it makes you realise life is very short, your Dad leaving your DM and Stepdad wasn't uncommon blended families were probably more uncommon he probably thought he was doing the right thing.
Write to him it could be the best or worst scenario not knowing IMO is harder.

I can't visit in person - he's over 200 miles away. Well up north!

yeh, he can't reject you, he'd be rejecting any insinuation that he should have taken more responsibility for the situation! He might be defensive.. You will not know how emotionally mature he is until you have seen his reaction to a few questions you no doubt have.

If you can deal with possible rejection then you have nothing to lose. You have half siblings and probably nieces, nephews and cousins that might love to meet you. If I had a half sibling out there I'd definitely want to have the opportunity to meet them.

Wishing the best of luck whatever you decide

@Emeraldshamrock yes you're right. Losing my mum and dad has been horrible - especially my mum and we were very close. And I lost them both within weeks of each other in 2019.

So I hope me pondering on this now isn't down to that in some weird way

This man is not your "real" father.

I don't think you should unless you have a burning desire to do it. What do you think you'd get out of it and would it be worth the potential drama and pain it could cause.

And I have no hard feelings! Genuinely! He's 70 now and he was 20 back then. My mum seemed rather sure that he would have some regrets, knowing him as she did. She had absolutely zero contact with him once the adoption was finalised and my stepdad became my dad

I have no bad feelings towards anyone in my family for the decisions they made.

Yeah good point. The desire isn't 'burning' at all. Curious maybe? Wondering if I should?

I don't want to upset or shock him and his wife at all

@Sheleg well he is biologically! But no, my stepdad was my dad and I've always thought that. I would never have considered this had he been alive

I am in exactly the same situation. I don't know what to do.

Surely if my dad was interested in me he would have tried to make contact in the 55 years since he last saw me? I just don't know.

My dad met his parents when he was about 10 years older than you. He stayed in touch with them for the rest of their lives, and was really happy to have met them. Obviously it was never going to be the closest bond in the world, but it was very interesting and grounding for him. (And terrifying, beforehand!)

Both had gone on to have more children (they were never married to one another). Six of his seven younger half-siblings were welcoming to him. The other was a grouch about it, but didn't get in the way of his getting to know their mother.

The Big Question is obviously: how would you feel in the event of his death if you hadn't got in touch beforehand? That bit's up to you privately and you don't have to answer it here.

If you decide to go ahead, I hope it works out really well for you! x

I did and I so wished I hadn't, its one of the biggest mistakes of my life and very nearly destroyed me. All the lies, the games, the twisting of the truth and then refusing to tell his current family about me like I was some dirty little secret, it turned out he was embarrassed and ashamed of me as I was raised in a children's home. I ghosted him just as he had done to me when I was a baby

I'm sorry you lost your parents so close together too.
If gives you a new outlook on how short and precious a loved life is, the chapter with your Dad has probably been open for years it might be nice to see it ended.
Your parents probably wondered how you felt? They sound lovely and supportive btw I'm sure they'd have your back whatever you decide.

@DimplesToadfoot sorry to hear that. How hard for you.

It wouldn't be the same for me. I'm not about drama and he certainly couldn't cause any for me! I'm more concerned about causing drama for him

@Username2ElectricBoogaloo I wouldn't feel anything much at all if I was to hear of his death. Sad that someone had died maybe?

So I'm rather detached it seems. It's human nature to be curious isn't it though

@Emeraldshamrock thank you for your kind messages

Hilariously we never really spoke about it again once i was told aged 14! My stepdad was err a bit 'old fashioned' and wasn't keen on me knowing - my mum was modern and hadn't liked not telling me. But like I said - this wouldn't happen now of course! Children are brought up knowing this stuff

I’d do it

DimplesToadfoot that sounds so distressing for you.

Although I think your father not wanting to tell his family about you was due to his shame about his behaviour and how they would view him for abandoning a child to be brought up in a children's home, rather than anything to do with you.

I'm glad that you got the chance to ghost him, and hope that it helped you feel better about your decision to contact him.

MakeMineADoubleCake you sound very grounded and open-eyed about the possibility of contacting your father.

I would mull it over for a bit, and if you can cope with the thought of sending a letter that may not get a response (either because he doesn't write back or he's moved) then it might be the right thing to do.