Would you contact your real father after 47 years?

[MakeMineADoubleCake]

A brief background ...

Him and my mum divorced when I was a baby - both too young probably! He had an affair and indeed, went on to marry the woman he had the affair with. My mum took me to live back at home with my gran and grandad and before too long met my stepdad and they married when I was 2.

My real dad allowed my step dad to adopt me so he didn't have to pay child maintenance, we ended up moving 200 miles away as a family and i always thought my stepdad was my real dad until I was told the truth aged about 14. My mum and stepdad were sorry their kept this from me and I totally understand why .... this was the 70s and things were a little different then. It's not something that would happen now but back then ... like I said, different times.

Anyway , aged 14 I now knew I had another father. All I knew - and know to this date - is his name, the name of his wife, the town he lives and the fact he went on to have 2 or 2 more kids.

Fast forward to now. Both my parents are now sadly dead - I think of my stepdad as dad by the way! And it's got me thinking about possibly making contact with my real father

But should I? He is 70 now. I believe he's still alive. He's still married to the woman he had an affair with. I spoke once with my mum about him many years ago and she said he was not a bad person or anything like that, he was just a young 20 year old who couldn't deal with the responsibility of marriage and a baby.

I'd have to write to him and I 'think' I have his address but then again, there's a chance it's wrong. Don't think so though. He doesn't appear to have any social media but not unusual at his age

So... should I do it? I've been perfectly happy for 49 years with no contact so on the one hand it seems pointless. I also don't want to give him and his wife any big shocks! He's obviously aware that I exist so perhaps the eh con wouldn't be as great as if he didn't know about me

I'm veering towards leaving it alone ... my stepdad was a good dad to me and he is part of the reason I've not done anything this far - didn't want to cause any hurt. But now they are both gone so do I do it?

WWYD?

I wouldn't but I see you are anyway. I don't think absent fathers deserve to have their adult children in their lives, especially those who didn't financially support their children. I can't understand why anyone would want contact with someone who literally didn't care if their own children were homeless and hungry.
I hope you get whatever it is you want out of this though. Sorry you lost your parents .

He was merely a sperm donor who has happily signed you over to another man, hasn’t been part of your life at all. Not sure what your expecting? I knew my dad and went NC for 30yrs. He died last year, he didn’t get to meet my children, he deserved no such privilege. If anyone should be seeking to meet it should be him, not you.

@bigbird1969 ah but you're projecting your own experiences into me and expecting me to see things the same way, which I don't really. I'm sorry you went through that though

Ok so a card is in the post as of five mins ago and I'll come back if there's anything to come back and share

Thank you all for your views and advice

@MakeMineADoubleCake Good luck 👍
I hope it works out for you if not it is his loss.

I last saw my dad when I was 8 years old after my parents divorced. Early 20's I started looking for him in towns I knew he'd lived in, travelled all over but gave up after 10 years when someone in a pub he used to go in told me he'd died. Couldn't find where he was buried either. Fast forward another 10 years, a family member doing our family tree hired a private detective to find out some history on my late dads side. Took him 3 hours to find him. Alive and living on his own aged late 70's.
Took me 3 weeks of courage to phone him, visited 2 weeks later 160 miles away and we now have a wonderful relationship, very close and we visit him for the weekend every couple of months or so. Adult Dd also visits him too.
12 years back in contact best thing I ever did.

Good luck OP. I think you've done the right thing - you sound as if you've got the right approach to it. It's as you say - it's human nature, a natural curiosity. Half your genes, where you partly came from biologically. If you felt very strongly about it or had more conflicted feelings, I would urge caution, but you sound pretty realistic about it all.

The only thing I'd say is, if you do get an enthusiastic response, be very careful how soon you let people in to your life, wait until you have a good handle on what kind of people/family they are (thinking almost more of the half-siblings etc than your biological father) - you never know, they could turn out to be complete pains in the bum! But, as you say - it's more likely perhaps that they may not want to follow things up.

Someone I have known since childhood and who knew they had been adopted was contacted by their birth father when they were in their late forties. Contact was established and a relationship of sorts now exists, in no way denying 'mum and dad' (adoptive parents).

I hope things turn out as well for you.

Good luck OP! I hope you heard something rather than nothing at all and wondering if you did get the right address

Good luck. I think you are doing the right thing given how you expressed your thoughts. You might love to regret it if you don't

I hope it goes well for you @MakeMineADoubleCake. You come across as such a lovely person. I think the condolence cards and your mum’s comment on them is very telling, clearly she had no ill feelings and she was the injured party.

Please update, I really want to know how it turns out.

I may be projecting. However this man allowed you to be adopted, didn’t choose to have a relationship with you and has a family and kids. I worry for you and your expectations from your contact. I wish you all the best

I may be projecting. However this man allowed you to be adopted, didn’t choose to have a relationship with you and has a family and kids.

I think this was pretty common when OP was a child and we shouldn’t judge by what is the norm for today. Don’t know if there are any statistics for this but think it is now quite rare for children from a first marriage to be adopted by a second husband.

I think OP has done the right thing; I certainly would in her position (far to curious to let things lie). Good luck OP, hope things work out well for you!

Yes, but not speaking on behalf of the OP of course. Could a person be so content with their childhood that that didn't hurt?
Anyway, the situation is usually a little bit more nuanced.
He may not have been equipped to handle a difficult situation so he avoided it altogether, which isn't brave, and isn't mature. But it's something we can all relate to on a smaller scale? The realisation that you were at a cross roads and took the easiest path even though it played on your mind for years.

For me, I'd want to see if he glossed over it like it was NO BIG DEAL.

If he acknowledged that he had handled the situation badly and / or even acknnowledged that he had a few regrets, then if I were in a contented resilient place, I would have room in my heart to meet up and see what I thought.

@bigbird1969 honestly please don't worry! Although it's kind of you! I have a happy family life with my husband and kids, I'm lucky. I had a great relationship with my parents and nothing can begin to replace that.

I did some stupid things aged 20. Hell, I do stupid things now and sometimes I do bad things - like every other human being out there. It was not unusual in the early 70s to do this. I harbour no ill feelings whatsoever. It wouldn't even enter my head to ask him (if I got the opportunity to) why he signed adoption papers ... I know why he did! He was very young, unemployed and this was a good way out of paying child maintenance!

And anyway - I honestly am fine either way. I'm 49, it seems like if I'm going to make contact then now is about right - I'm not getting any younger but crucially neither is he. I'd be happy to have a letter back from him. I'd be equally content not to have one back and knowing I'd made an attempt - albeit a very muted one. In my card I ended it with saying I hoped both him and his family were well and stayed well ... I really won't be knocking on any doors any time soon and wanted to try and convey that to him. My main aim here is not to upset him or his wife

I think I'm motivated by curiosity and the fact that I can't hurt my dad (my stepdad) which I'd never have wanted to do when he was alive.

You sound so emotionally mature 👍
I think you have nothing to lose.

I am glad that you are reaching out to your biological father. You mentioned that he and his second wife had children together, so that means you have some more half-siblings, and perhaps they would be very interested in meeting you. Your children would be cousins. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will be a positive experience that will enrich everybody's lives.

@Hydrate yes I think he has 2 or 3 children - all boys I believe but god knows where I got that from! So they'd all be in their 40s I should think

@DanceLikeAdamAnt aw thank you

Name change fail, OP.

@VinylDetective doesn't matter! I'd just name changed as I do every weekend as a rule

Thankfully nothing juicy attached to this new name

OK, I wondered if it was deliberate is all!

I can say what happened in my DH family for another perspective.

His stepdad raised him and his sister from very young, stepdad and mum had another daughter (DH's half sister but obvs just thought of as sister)

Stepdad had a daughter from a relationship from before he met my DHs mum. Never had any contact but he did alway pay financial support.

When she was in her 30's she made contact with stepdad. She became Disney daughter. Stepdad and estranged daughter have a good relationship now but it's difficult on the family as to DH and his sisters the estranged daughter is, in their lives, a nobody. She's a stranger who has imposed herself in their lives and expects to be treated like part of the family (invited to weddings, birthdays etc) they have to walk on eggshells not to cause offence as they would never upset stepdad but this new sister was not in their lives growing up, they have no relationship with her and quite frankly can't be arsed to be forced into an insincere forced friendship with this person. It doesn't help that new sister is quite intense and a bit too 'keen'.

Just bear in mind you turning up will affect a lot more people than just you and him. If you really want to then go for it. If you're just a bit curious and not that bothered then I wouldn't.

FWIW I have been estranged from my dad since I was 5 so I get the curiosity, but I know he's just a random stranger to me now as an adult, I have no desire to have him in my life.

@VinylDetective no, I'm just a bit dense

I’d do it, because I’d be really curious. But I don’t think anyone can tell you what you should do.