Would you contact your real father after 47 years?

[MakeMineADoubleCake]

A brief background ...

Him and my mum divorced when I was a baby - both too young probably! He had an affair and indeed, went on to marry the woman he had the affair with. My mum took me to live back at home with my gran and grandad and before too long met my stepdad and they married when I was 2.

My real dad allowed my step dad to adopt me so he didn't have to pay child maintenance, we ended up moving 200 miles away as a family and i always thought my stepdad was my real dad until I was told the truth aged about 14. My mum and stepdad were sorry their kept this from me and I totally understand why .... this was the 70s and things were a little different then. It's not something that would happen now but back then ... like I said, different times.

Anyway , aged 14 I now knew I had another father. All I knew - and know to this date - is his name, the name of his wife, the town he lives and the fact he went on to have 2 or 2 more kids.

Fast forward to now. Both my parents are now sadly dead - I think of my stepdad as dad by the way! And it's got me thinking about possibly making contact with my real father

But should I? He is 70 now. I believe he's still alive. He's still married to the woman he had an affair with. I spoke once with my mum about him many years ago and she said he was not a bad person or anything like that, he was just a young 20 year old who couldn't deal with the responsibility of marriage and a baby.

I'd have to write to him and I 'think' I have his address but then again, there's a chance it's wrong. Don't think so though. He doesn't appear to have any social media but not unusual at his age

So... should I do it? I've been perfectly happy for 49 years with no contact so on the one hand it seems pointless. I also don't want to give him and his wife any big shocks! He's obviously aware that I exist so perhaps the eh con wouldn't be as great as if he didn't know about me

I'm veering towards leaving it alone ... my stepdad was a good dad to me and he is part of the reason I've not done anything this far - didn't want to cause any hurt. But now they are both gone so do I do it?

WWYD?

And I have no hard feelings!

I find this interesting. I’m in a similar position but decided not to look for him because I very much have hard feelings. It doesn’t eat me up and I don’t think about it day to day but he left me, paid nothing, left me to grow up in poverty and went off and had whatever life he wanted.

I would harshly judge anyone who behaved that way. I wouldn’t go near a bloke with a child he didn’t support properly.

Do you honestly have no feeling of anger for him?

If it was me I wouldn't bother. Even if he was dumb at 20, why didn't he reach out at 25 or 30, or when his other children were born. Because of his selfishness you didn't get to grow up knowing your half sibling/s. He, not you, should have fixed this year's ago.
But I'm not you, so do what you think is best. Good luck with whatever you do.

@Merryoldgoat none whatsoever. Human beings do stupid things and they make mistakes and nobody is infallible. I had a happy life with my mum and dad and I have a very comfortable life now which I'm grateful for.

So no, I don't harbour feelings of anger to a 70 year old man for what he did when he was 20. It's not black and white either as these things never are

I'm sorry you feel differently - your feelings are equally valid

@tillytown I hear you but it's not as easy as him reaching out: he signed adoption papers for a start.

But again, him not contacting me doesn't bother me

If I wrote to him I think I'd just say ' hello Xxx. I believe we knew each other many years ago for a short while : ) if you'd like to contact me then here's my address and here's my number. If you don't want to, then all the best'

Oh and I'd sign it! He knows my name

I would try and contact him.

I did this . I found my father who I had never met nor seen a photo of in my late twenties . Sadly after forming what I thought was the beginnings of a relationship with him he then stopped contacting me ( still don't really know why to this day ... however I suspect I didn't live up to expectations)
It really screwed my head up for a while afterwards .
I'm glad I met him in some ways ... at least to put a face to the name and now I know who I look like but being what I felt at the was abandoned .. twice over by a parent was not nice . If you go ahead I hope it all goes well.

I'd write to say you've been on my mind recently and I think I'd like to meet you again.
Is he on social media?

@Emeraldshamrock I don't think so. I've found someone who could fit but no photos on there - only a football club logo as a profile fit

His name is common too. Not quite John Smith but not a million miles away. And that's why I can't be certain I have his correct address. I'm almost sure as it shows him and his wife living there - and her name matches what I think it is

I have no one to ask questions about him to so all my knowledge is based on what I learnt years ago in just the odd chat with my mum.

I do remember when my grandma died when I was 20 and we travelled up north for the funeral. I was looking at the sympathy cards people had sent and there was one from him. My mum said ' yes, that's the sort of thing he would do. He sent one when great grandma died to. Just thoughtful really'

(And he'd know about their deaths as they were all put in the local paper back then!)

But now, there's no one up there that I know. So I can't find out any more info.

I believe that as you were formally adopted you can seek support from your local authority adoption team. They can give advice or simply act as a middle person by approaching your birth father rather than you doing it directly. However with staff shortages and red tape it could take much longer.

And not being 100% on the address, it's probably wise to just send a card with very little in it bar a 'hope you're well and I believe we may have known each other many years ago. Please feel free to drop me a line if you'd like to chat etc' as opposed to a YOU ARE MY REAL DAD!!! .... and I've got the wrong people

@Pastnowfuture gosh I don't know if I'd waste anyone's time nor their valuable resources on the whim of a 49 year old woman who should probably know better!

@MakeMineADoubleCake

I was adopted when I was two weeks old, and after I managed to find my BM six years ago, she wouldn’t tell me anything about my BD.

It took me six years to find him, only to discover he’d died five years previously, and I don’t know why but I’m heartbroken and I didn’t even know him.

I’m furious with my BM, I know she doesn’t want contact with me, that’s fine I don’t care, but I’ll never forgive her for not even having the decency to at least tell me about him.

His family are lovely and have told me that he’d of been over the moon if he’d have known about me, he was 72 when he died and she denied me the chance to know me out of spite.

I’d get in touch OP Good Luck!

My dad has an older child I have never met. Much like with your situation my sisters mother remarried and moved away (she would be older than you though). My dad was heart broken but eventually decided all the bitterness was going to hurt his daughter so stopped trying to see her and she was bought up with her step father as her dad. We always had photos of her in the house when I was growing up and I was told about her and as a teenager I tried to find her although my dad always thought she knew where we were (one of my cousins who she was friendly with had tracked her down once) and did not want to know... Anyway, just wanted to give a slightly different perspective. I would have loved to meet my sister once, now I'm not too worried either way, obviously if she was nice it would be great, but I expect we feel very differently about my dad and that might prove insurmountable.

Op you have nothing to lose.
I’ve been in a similar position. My dad isn’t my biological dad but adopted me and will always be my father.
My mum and bio dad were very young and from what I understand, he didn’t want me and wanted to pursue his career.

Anyway, 9 years ago I tracked him down snd wrote to him. I never heard back so I’ve left it. I was fine with the “rejection” as I already have a loving family. I just wanted to know a bit more about him and about my background that’s all.

If you’re curious then do it. Just be prepared to not hear anything back.

That was kind of him sending cards. It really sounds likely he kept his distance to allow you settle in the family unit.
Another advantage if it goes well you'll hear different stories about your DM before you it might be comforting.

Do it. When he's gone, it will be too late. Perhaps it won't work out well - but if so, you won't have lost anything by trying.

70 isn't too old for social media, by the way. I'm not expecting my typing skills to fade away in the next seven years.

I did and although it did not work out in the long term with my bio father I have no regrets. The best part is the sister I did not know about (and who knew nothing of me) and I are now very close. She has enriched my life.

I was in near same situation. Biological father left when a baby in 70s. though my mum never remarried. I had stepdad till I was 11 I still see occasionally. He snd mum stayed friends so think of him like that. My father married again but no kids. I knew where he was for fair bit of my life as he ran pub in town where my cousins lived.
Sometimes thought of popping in but never got round to it. I just didn’t have burning desire to make effort He reluctantly paid toward upbringing cos court made him and stopped when I left school.
He never made any attempt to contact me and in era of internet id have been easy enough to find.
Found out via cousin he died months after he had and meant nothing. This was person never knew and had no dealings with. Never think of him.
My pal same though in her case her mum amd dad didn’t marry so her mum couldn’t even get payments towards her in 70s. We sometimes talked about meeting dads back when we were in 20s but just didn’t care enough for the effort involved.
You’d need to be up for rejection or being kept secret from his kids but equally may gain lot family members. Good luck. Please update on your decision!!

I wouldn’t contact him, he may have been young and immature but unlike your mother, he did ran away from responsibility and... stayed away.

If he was a nice warm person, having more children at an older age, would have made him aware of how bad his behaviour towards you had been and take responsibility but... he didn’t. I can assure a person like that is not going to welcome someone bringing the past back into the spotlight and disrupting the narrative of his life. How does he explain to his children that he abandoned one? How does he explain to them that their mother was the OW?

Honestly, save yourself the trouble and the heartache, you really do not need to lose a third parent. This one is not worth your time, your mum did an amazing job of putting you first so you didn’t grow up with resentment/rejection, don’t undo her job, you have had a happy family life, keep it like that

I wouldn't describe him as your 'real father'. He is a sperm donor and I dont mean that in a bad way. The man who raised you is your real father.

Would I contact him 50 years later, no definitely not. He is a stranger to you.

What do you really want to get out of it? Are you trying to replace your real parents who have now sadly passed away. Why open Pandora's box, it could destroy peoples lives.

I think a gentle letter with minimal info but somehow saying no hard feelings/I was happy might be a good idea if you are prepared for rejection. There is a chance it could bring about huge happiness for a man in his late years, and for you too. He may well have been pushed by his family/ society norms into allowing you to be adopted and have regretted it.

I had a similar situation. I contacted my biological dad as I knew from my mum that he had married the woman he met after they split when I was a baby (so I wasn’t going to be a shock to her). He didn’t want anything to do with me and his wife said some very unkind things to me.
However, I am now in contact with one of my sisters, a cousin and my aunt and uncle and we have a long distance relationship as I live abroad but always get together when I visit and keep in contact throughout the year.
I just wanted closure and to see if I was anything like him and if I had any of his traits and although I am upset I don’t have a relationship with him, I am super happy that I do with other family.
Good luck with whatever you decide. I think as long as you go in with no expectations, you can at least live without thinking what if?

What do you hope to gain from reaching out to your birth father?
I too was raised by a stepdad and not told until I was older (and this was the 90’s!) I have found my father on social media and whilst I’m curious to know what he is like as a person I don’t really know what I want from him so I have never made contact.

Hmm, I was in a similar position.

I’ve met my dad. He was an arsehole.

I imagine that you’ve wondered about him since you found out. He may have always wondered about you too. Or he may not.

I personally would have assumed that when he had his own kids, it probably hit home that he had missed out on you. But it may not. He may be an awful father to his children.

I suppose my advice is, you don’t have a lot to lose if you contact him. But don’t assume his character is positive just because your mum was a good person and didn’t slate him. You may be bitterly disappointed. I hope you aren’t, I just thought I had no expectations and it turned out I did!